In a very happy, healthy relationship but get panicky at night due to age

[Vorkya]

I am married to a really amazing man. There is a 21 year age gap between us. I’ve just turned 31. Have been together for three years.

Objectively speaking DH is very attractive and fit. He’s a builder and his female clients often make it known they find him good looking. Most assume he is early/mid 40s. Only saying this because that part of the relationship is not an issue.

Dh has made it known he absolutely wants children - his ex wife sadly suffered many miscarriages.

Im VERY content. I get treated well. Dh is well established. He has his own company so has a flexible schedule. He’s phenomenal with children. Dh is great to be around. Very easy going bloke. And he is very tidy!

Despite all of this. I will get terrible waves of anxiety at night. I really get a panicked feeling. And it definitely is caused by DH’s age. I know it sounds crazy but the idea that dh will be in his 60s with a 10 yo (when we have kids) absolutely terrifies me. My own dad had me at 40 and I really was really self conscious of that. But my dad has always had an old soy which I think aged him. He wore suits and briefcases as a child as a preference! And he also did not take care of himself at all health wise so undoubtedly aged prematurely.

I confided in my mum and she said “well why have you only done the maths now”. She never holds back and it’s hurtful to be frank. Dh has promised he will carry on eating well and running/cycling. But I really think I am scared of something happening. Or DH just not being someone who ages well. And then I’ll be in a very difficult position. DH’s dad still goes on long walks and is in good heath (physically and mentally). So that comforts me. We have had discussions about what would happen financially and whilst I would be provided for obviously that’s only part of the issue. I don’t want to raise a family on my own.

often I’ll think wow I’m being crazy. He’s 50 not 70! I need to calm down.

its odd because I only get this concern at night. The rest of the time I feel completely lucky and fortunate.

Love is good but the choice needs to be good, because it effects life. It sounds like you married him because he is mature. Women are drawn to mature men. I wasnt mature when i was younger, its probably why my relationships ended at dates. The bad news is he is growing older alot faster than you.

My ex was 56 when our ds was born. Ds is now 17, the best thing I have ever done, 6', 10 gcses, heading for 3 stem a'levels and a degree in engineering. The risks from degraded sperm are absolutely tiny and while they do increase, it is from tiny to very very slight. My ex is still going strong too.

The thing is, you can wait around and worry about it, or you can get on with it now because waiting doesn't improve things. Life is full of random risks.

Your oh is taking good care of himself, is active and healthy.

Don't waste your chance to be happy.

I thought he’s already 52 now… so he’d be 53 or 54 when his child is born!

We married when we were both early 30s but had fertility issues and ended up adopting in our early 40s. We're the same age and our children are 40 and 45 years younger than us. I agonised over the 45 year age gap as at the time, 45 years was considered the upper limit.

My DH has always been active - gym, regular sport etc but he had a heart attack in his late 50s. He was lucky that he was able to call for help and was treated very swiftly and is healthy nearly 10 years later (on daily meds). But we have two neighbours who died of their heart attacks in their late 50s and a relative of DH and a friend's husband who died of them in their 60s.

If you want to go ahead with starting a family OP, I'd suggest your DH gets a proper health check. Coronary artery disease is rife and causes heart attacks and strokes BUT it can be alleviated if you know you have it. Eg my DH had two stents fitted after his attack.

Life expectancy for males is around 79 in the UK but it would be higher if people had more understanding of how to really live healthily - being gym fit isn't necessarily it.

My DH's Dad was 50 when he had him. His DM was 40 with 2 kids from previous marriage.

He did grow up feeling he had an 'old' Dad who couldn't play rugby with him. But his Dad did have particularly poor health after breaking his spine when he was younger.

His Dad is wonderful. He planned out and carefully executed wonderful birthday parties etc for him. He's supportive, calm, endlessly patient, kind and full of integrity - he's what gave my DH his sense of integrity. His Mum is a hot head who regularly offends people by accident. His Dad is the antidote to this.

They are now 70s and 80s. Mum has a degenerative terminal illness, Dad does everything for her. It's not the way they thought it would go, but he does a great job, they've had a long and very happy marriage, raised 3 children who are all happily married with grandkids and they've travelled the world.

We all worry about what might happen in the future, it's sensible to take reasonable steps to consider what you might need to safeguard against. But don't let anxiety taint and destroy your happiness.

My parents were the same age as each other and had me early 30s. My Dad died 10 years ago (I was late 20s) and never knew his grandkids.

You just can't tell, so don't let anxiety hold you back from something you want. I'm assuming having a baby is something you'd like too ?!

Sorry, just a follow on thought to say.... I think the real issue is how much do you want a baby yourself?

For women I think this should always be the question, regardless of how much a man does.

I know this is very unpopular to say, but it's so irreversible and all-encompassing to have a baby and it's just not the same for a man.

You shouldn't have a baby for someone else, regardless of the circumstances. Not when it's your body, mind and soul that goes into it.

Is this the problem? That you don't want the baby for you, so when you consider a future without your DH in it you panic ?

I don't think it's unusual to panic at the idea of having a child on your own if your partner died, but I think in some people the driver to have the child is great enough they'd want it regardless so it's a non issue. Just wondered if perhaps your driver is the picture of the 3 of you, not the picture of you having a child.

I'm clumsily trying to separate the pictures.

It’s not worth worrying about, we’ve lost 3 friends/ family in the last 4 years due to various reasons. All 3 were under 50 so you honestly just never know. Best to enjoy each day with your husband and the time you have together and carry on with your plans as normal.

I get this too. Although we don't have kids. I'm sad about the idea of being old and alone, or spending my 40s and 50s as a carer. But what can I do. This man has brought me more happiness than anyone else in my life and I adore him. Also there's a LOT of Cancer in my family so it's not actually a given that he won't end up out living me.

I don't think it's ideal and I think age gap relationships with a gap as big as this are quite odd really.

But you made the commitment to marry him & say the relationship is good so if you want a baby together then go ahead & try but don't leave it too long.

However ,the problem seems to be that he is very keen to have children but you aren't 100% sure or aren't ready.

You have had a lot of different views and replies here but ultimately life is very unpredictable!
There are so many variable to take into account, that if you try to do so you become paralysed by anxiey/indecision/other people's opinions.
You MIGHT not get pregnant. Your DH or you MAY have ill health...etc etc ad infinitum.

If you want a child and a family with your DH get cracking. There is never a right time. From what you have written, it sounds like he is a good life partner for you so live your life!

Has he had his sperm tested? He might well be the issue for his ex wife’s fertility problems.

It’s the same with older parents, it’s talked about like it’s common and normal but I don’t know a single person with a dad 50+ when they were born (except celebrities, of course) I only know 1 woman who had a baby 40+ but I just get told Im a chav on here when I admit that 🤣

No, they are not tiny risks at all. People used to think this, but increasingly the research says otherwise.

Men over 50 have sperm with increased chances of causing aneuploidy, miscarriage (which is often caused by aneuploidy) and stillbirth. It used to be thought most of these things had to do with the mother, but we now know better.

It has been well known for a long time that sperm DNA degrades (which is where the risk of things like autism seems to come in). Some of these risks are indeed quite slight. But this isn't the only thing you are worrying about - the sperm damage that could cause a disability in a living child. You are also worried about the more serious damage that means you simply won't fall pregant, or will fall pregnant and miscarry.

And, sorry to be a broken record, but I think the OP ought to find out whether or not her husband understands this. The comment in her OP about his ex having miscarriages makes me wonder whether he thinks its all a woman's problem.

Be interesting to know if the ex wife has gone on to have children with a different partner

dh and his ex were told why the miscarriages most likely were occurring. But I don’t really feel comfortable discussing DH’s ex’s body.

In the 70s I knew a couple with a 22 year age difference - the woman had quite a number of miscarriages and they later adopted. Even back then she was told that her husband's age could be a factor.

However, after they divorced a few years later, so the husband by then even older, both went on to each have a child with another partner.

I wouldn’t have children with a man that age. It’s becoming increasingly clear that it’s the age of the sperm which has a huge impact on viability of pregnancies, likelihood of disabilities, ASD etc. Too much of a gamble.

And as someone in their early 40s who has lost their dad recently, the idea of going through that as a teenager is horrifying. Obviously there are no guarantees in life but they’re far less likely to get to adulthood with both parents than if you were with a man your own age.

That's perfectly fair.

But, I would say - 'most likely' wouldn't fill me with confidence, and even if she miscarried for reasons that are to do with her body, you need to think about you.

I know it seems as if we're all being doom and gloom, but it's miserable if you find you want a baby and you can't have one.

Does your DH understand his age is likely to be an issue here? Have you had a talk about it?

No, the risks of older sperm are NOT tiny.

A recent study revealed that babies who are born to men 45 or older were 14% more likely to be admitted to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), 14% more likely to be born premature, 18% more likely to have seizures, and 14% more likely to have a low birth weight.
The same study also found that pregnant women whose partners are 45 or older are 28% more likely to develop gestational diabetes, which can lead to a larger baby, low neonatal blood sugar, premature birth, and increased risk of developing type 2 diabetes later in life.
Research has shown a connection between advanced paternal age and several childhood cancers, such as leukemia and non-Hodgkin lymphoma, and a range of psychiatric and neurological disorders, such as schizophrenia and autism spectrum disorders.

I am 11 years younger than my DH. We married when I was mid twenties and part of the reason we had a child quickly after was due to age.
When she was 19 he had major heart surgery. Realistically I’ll be lucky to have him til his mid 70s. I’ll still be working then. I understand I’ll be alone in my retirement.
It does matter but you have to decide what you want. I love him and everything about him so I accept it.

As a pp said, your anxiety may be surfacing at night, but in this case I think you should listen to it. You're now facing up to the real situations you may be in if you have children. And there would be real concerns in my view. You are completely within your rights to change your mind and decide not to have kids for this or any other reason. If you're DH doesn't understand anxieties about being left on your own with children or forced to do the majority of the work with them etc, then he is BU.

I'm 39 and my DH is now 56. He's also a builder who looks early 40's and is in great shape. We had our DS when he was 53. It's a bit weird that you've only just done the maths on this. Did something happen that made him seem old to you or something?

Have you talked to him about it? Dealing with the worries seems like the only way to make them go away.

If you just fall pregnant they are likely to just get worse as we all get a bit nutty with the hormones anyway !