I think this is the end of my marriage and I don’t know what to do

[VeryOriginalUsername1]

I don’t know what to do. I have been married for 12 years. We have 2 boys. Our eldest is 7. He is autistic. Our youngest is 3.

My husband cannot manage his behaviour. I have begged him to access some parenting advice as I have so that we can be consistent. He says he can’t, he would not understand.

A lot of the time things are fine and we are a happy family. But then something will happen. This morning my eldest son was taking something that is special to him into school. He dropped it in the car and in anger kicked my husbands seat. My husband was driving.

This has happened to me before. I pull over, explain how unsafe it is for me to drive like that, wait for him to calm down, and then carry on.

My husband flipped. He did an emergency stop on the car, both boys cried. He screamed at our eldest son. He carried on driving and then did an emergency stop again because our eldest son kicked again. I banged my head on part of the car and the boys cried even more. I was trying to stay calm and diffuse everything. We got to school and my husband was still shouting. Another mum who I know was looking at me as if to see if things were ok.

When I took my eldest son into school he told me that his dad had shook his (my sons) leg. I asked my husband about this and he said he did, to stop him because he was about to kick again.

This kind of thing is happening more frequently. I’d say maybe one a fortnight or once a month I’m not sure.

What do I do. My children love their dad and he loves them. We have a happy family life usually. But I feel like I’m on eggshells and knowing my son has gone into school after all that has broken my heart.

Is this just normal and to be expected, am I expecting too much of my husband in terms of managing our son’s behaviour? He thinks I am. I just don’t know anymore.

That is abuse. Please leave. No child should have to put up with that. Yes your DH is obviously not coping with bringing up an autistic child but there is help and he is choosing not to access it.

No not normal and potentially dangerous. I would say it’s definitely not too much to ask that your husband should attend classes and learn how to parent his child and control his anger. It shouldn’t be all on you to manage - you don’t get the option of saying it’s too much I can’t do it and neither should he.

I think his reactions are awful but your calmly pulling over is the other extreme, and something I know I wouldn’t do, and actually in most cases it isn’t faesible anyway. people panic, and kicking the seat while someone drives isn’t a small thing. I do think he needs to go to classes but if these things happen because of extreme situations as opposed to the everyday I don’t know that it helps any of you to break up the family. You both need to meet somewhere in the middle and show solidarity with each other

Massive overreaction on his part - an autistic 7 year old and a 3 year old having to experience that is heartbreaking.

Your DH is teaching his sons that anger is explosive and scary - you really don’t want that for them.

This is not normal and is indeed potentially dangerous from him. He would not behave like this to people in the outside world. He is choosing not to access help available to him in parenting his children (why?), your eldest in particular.

What do you mean he cannot manage his behaviour?. He certainly cannot manage himself around you or your kids and as I've written already he would not behave like this in front of his work colleagues or to people in the outside world. If he can behave himself around people in the outside world he can control his anger. It could be argued that he has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his behaviour. You do not get a free pass in dealing with your children and he saying he would not understand in relation to a parenting course is an absolute cop out. I would now take him at his word and send him back to his mother's.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.

If you feel like you are on eggshells your kids feel that the same and more besides. They are also picking up on your reactions to their dad, both spoken and unspoken, here. They are going to end up fearing their father as well as loving him at the same time; children are programmed to love their parents anyway no matter how crap they actually are.

I would seriously consider if this is a man you want to remain married to. You have a choice re him and your children do not.

Re your eldest have you applied for a EHCP document for him if there is no such plan in place. I would seriously consider applying yourself if you have not already done so. Do not rely on the school to do this.

IPSEA and SOSSEN are good websites to look at re SEN.

The difficulty here is, you could end your marriage but you can’t end him being their father. If you divorce he would still get to see his children but without you there as a stability factor.

Their father’s behaviour is abusive. Speak to a social worker to get help on what to do next. They might suggest a compulsory parenting course for him, or possibly, if you separate, supervised contact with the children.

You have to do something to protect your children from this man.

Mine does the exact same thing to my autistic son I’ve come to the conclusion that (most) men are just crap.

Im really grateful for the replies so far, thank you so much. It’s hard to talk about it in a real life.

Just wanted to respond to some of the points. He would say I’m too soft. He might not be wrong. But I have done all the parenting courses and I used to work with send children. My priority is always deescalation and then appropriate consequence.

I question myself because of this. I don’t expect him to be able to stay as calm as I do. I don’t expect him to be perfect (I’m not!). Sometimes I think well what do I expect, and is this worth breaking up the family over.

But then I look at my boys and I think no, no this isn’t ok. I just want them to know love and calm. I don’t want them to see anger in their home.

I have noticed my eldest son’s behaviour is better when his dad is not there. I don’t know if it’s because I’m less tense or because he is less tense. If it’s because he is less tense then my mind would be made up.

It is horrendous to have to decide whether to break up what is usually a happy family. I can’t even imagine it. But I don’t think this can carry on. I am so worried about the impact on our boys.

I have told him I want some space and for him to stay at his mums. He has accepted this and he has apologised and has said that he knows he is wrong and he wishes he could manage his anger better in the moment. But he says this and then it happens again.

Hi OP, sorry to hear this. It's easy to say leave your DH but if you do, he may potentially have them part of the week by himself which may make matters worse because you're not there to manage diffuse the situation. My DS isn't autistic however when he was around that age my DH and him were clashing a lot and we found it difficult to parent him. It nearly broke my marriage and 4 years later we are still recovering slowly. We did end up taking a parenting course and only wish we had done it together earlier. Your DH isn't coping as having young children is hard enough without the additional support your son needs. You need to find a parenting counsellor or a course you can go on together as that is the only way you're going to see an improvement. There are so many out there now, online, in person... I think local authorities run them too. Think of it as something you need to do together. I know he doesn't want to but does he at least recognise there is a major problem, does he appreciate the impact it's having on you and both DS, can you ask a family member or friend who he can feel comfortable around to help approach the subject. What helped us was giving my DH a chance to vent his frustrations with a third party who was an expert and could give really bespoke advice on how to handle certain situations. Sorry OP, I hope something makes him realise he needs to take action now.

Thank you, my son does have an EHCP in place already.

Is it a happy family though?. It appears not but the three of you will in all likelihood be a lot happier going forward without your current H in their day to day lives.

Have you basically been just trying to cover over the cracks that are fast becoming schisms?.

He can manage his anger, he is choosing not to around you and his children. He does not blow up like this in front of his work colleagues, people in the outside world or his parents does he?.

At least he is willing to go to his mum's but he is willing to do that because he then does not have to deal with his children whilst there. All credit to you for telling him you want space and for him to stay there.

I doubt that such a man would want to be with either of his children going forward seeing as he is not that bothered about them now. He seems to be more bothered about himself. I would fully expect more nastiness and or delaying tactics from him going forward if you do decide to divorce him.

Good news re the EHCP already being in place. If you do get any problems re this then contact either IPSEA or SOSSEN. Both are excellent resources and fully independent from LEAs.

As a temp measure while you decide what to do would it be a good idea to never seat your older child behind the driver?

You are handling things well with the kid’s behaviour. It seems there are so many fathers of autistic kids who refuse parenting coaching.
couple of things, it is not you breaking up a happy family, if you pull the plug on everything it will be simply because you are acknowledging what he has done. His behaviour is unsafe and damaging and frankly there’s no way you’re going to be able to get through the kids adolescence with somebody behaving like that. It Doesn’t align with your values or any professional advice, it’s not sustainable and this is not your fault.
I’d be proceeding here with one eye on what happens if he doesn’t sort it out and you have to call it a day.
I would be reporting this to school, asking for help potentially with social services/a family support worker and telling him it’s gone far enough and until he does a parenting course and shows he is serious about sorting this out Youre on a break wiyh a view to splitting up if he doesnt sort it out. You need a paper train showing that you have reported he is unable to stay calm and that you are advocating for the kids

Don’t allow him to behave like this your children and just say sorry each time, it will damage your relationship with them as well and they really desperately need at least one adult they feel safe with . Again/ It’s not to yiur fault, he is damaging the family unit with this behaviour, you are simply calling it.

absolute worst case is probably that you split up and he gets access, the relationship between him and his kids will break down because of his behaviour but you offer a safe calm space. This is basically what happened to my son and I and it was very hard, but definitely better than the alternative of him living in a chronically dysfunctional home

so sorry your husband is putting you in this horrible and painful position

Exactly what I was going to say.

Yes definitely a good idea and I don’t know why on earth he’s been allowed to continue to sit behind the driver since this has happened before. Switch seats immediately. While the father’s behaviour sounds scary it is extremely dangerous on the part of the son to kick the seat when his dad is driving and part of his reaction was no doubt due to fear. Just as your DH doesn’t lose it at his colleagues, I bet your son wouldn’t kick the seat if he was getting a lift with a school friend. So both are able to regulate their behaviour and if your son really is not then he needs to be appropriately restrained in the car.

My immediate understanding and empathy as a mum has gone to your husband.

Why - because I have absolutely felt destroyed by behaviour and I've done the emergency stop in absolute despair. I have absolutely lost it over my situation. I'm on my own so it is relentless.

I would change the seating where you can. Any way you can move the seats forward. Anyway to change driving arrangements.

I'm not excusing your husband. He has had enough which you can't fix but removing the triggers for now is important.

Edit - parenting classes feel useless to me if or don't fully understand autism and have their own autistic children.

I have an autistic daughter and the key to managing her is a deep breath and stay calm. Shouting would devastate her. She often cannot regulate her own emotions so it is down to me to help and support her. Your husband is obviously incredibly frustrated but I couldn't allow him to take that out on our child. He needs to leave and get some professional support in controlling his anger before returning or you need to split.

Your husband sounds at the end of his tether. Why does being autistic excuse your son kicking the seat though? He shouldn't be doing that, it's dangerous.

Emergency stop?
That's so concerning

I agree. A lot of these replies are baffling to me. How can you always remain calm and serene when you’re driving 2 tonne of metal and your kid is endangering your whole family and other road users with some tantrum. Yes the child can’t help their impulses but your husband is human too.

It’s not abuse, it’s his absolute frustration coming out. And I guess fury at having no one empathising with his situation. The child might not feel ‘safe’ in that moment but will get over it. The grown adult who holds all the responsibilty is not feeling safe at any time.

People on here must be absolute saints to never lose their shit around daily challenges and volatile behaviour.

So much poor advice from other people on this thread! Yours husband is losing his shit with his very small child on a regular basis, as you know this is not necessary or helpful. Moving your son to another seat may help with that one pro but doesn’t solve the overarching issue that your husbands parenting is inadequate, he knows it and he refuses to do anything about it.

As much as your son (as you’ve explained it) has challenges regulating his emotions, it sounds like your husband does too. It feels like the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.

Exactly. I also have an autistic teen and couldn’t agree more