I think this is the end of my marriage and I don’t know what to do

[VeryOriginalUsername1]

I don’t know what to do. I have been married for 12 years. We have 2 boys. Our eldest is 7. He is autistic. Our youngest is 3.

My husband cannot manage his behaviour. I have begged him to access some parenting advice as I have so that we can be consistent. He says he can’t, he would not understand.

A lot of the time things are fine and we are a happy family. But then something will happen. This morning my eldest son was taking something that is special to him into school. He dropped it in the car and in anger kicked my husbands seat. My husband was driving.

This has happened to me before. I pull over, explain how unsafe it is for me to drive like that, wait for him to calm down, and then carry on.

My husband flipped. He did an emergency stop on the car, both boys cried. He screamed at our eldest son. He carried on driving and then did an emergency stop again because our eldest son kicked again. I banged my head on part of the car and the boys cried even more. I was trying to stay calm and diffuse everything. We got to school and my husband was still shouting. Another mum who I know was looking at me as if to see if things were ok.

When I took my eldest son into school he told me that his dad had shook his (my sons) leg. I asked my husband about this and he said he did, to stop him because he was about to kick again.

This kind of thing is happening more frequently. I’d say maybe one a fortnight or once a month I’m not sure.

What do I do. My children love their dad and he loves them. We have a happy family life usually. But I feel like I’m on eggshells and knowing my son has gone into school after all that has broken my heart.

Is this just normal and to be expected, am I expecting too much of my husband in terms of managing our son’s behaviour? He thinks I am. I just don’t know anymore.

Sort of OT but why on earth is your son seated behind the driver if he has form for kicking?

Thank you. What you have said about it not aligning with my values or professional advice really resonates, because that’s exactly what it keeps coming back to. No matter what anyone tells me, no one can convince me that it’s ok for my sons to witness this type of anger regularly. And it’s hard, because my husband isn’t this horrible, abusive man. But it’s almost as though he becomes one in the moment.

@ElatedPinkSeal you sound like a man. Go find some other thread to satisfy your needs perhaps.

@VeryOriginalUsername1 I have myself engaged in behaviour your husband has. My ex does it. My friend with a difficult ND son does it.

It is a huge undertaking for some of us to check our own inner children and manage our own reactivity.

I am endlessly triggered by teenage autistic son. He says shut up continuously. But life is very stressful for me. When stressful, it's hard to be the parent needed.

Does your husband agree in any way that it's best and effective to just be quiet until the meltdown or problem is over? ( You are right in your approach).

Some people do separate in this situation. I've seen it. The problem is that you will have everything on your shoulders. Also if alone your husband will be worse than useless.

Why on earth would he not understand a parenting course?. He just does not want to understand does he?. He saying he can't either is a complete cop out.
I cannot see such a man being at all bothered about seeing his kids going forward because all he ultimately cares about is his own self.

I have to say I’d be angry if I was getting kicked while driving. I’m not sure that I’d calmly stop and explain and sit and wait until a child had calmed down - especially on the school run. I’d probably shout at them to stop it.

I had a car seat escapee and I remember jamming the brakes on and yelling in pure panic because I thought they were going to be injured.

I have to say, the first time they’d kicked the driver would have been the last time because I’d have moved the car seat and I’m glad you’re going to do that.

having said that, your husband isn’t handling the meltdowns of your 7 year old well - but have you considered that he might be autistic as well?

The risk is that if you separate, he will have the kids on his own.

can you persuade him to do a parenting course?

@ElatedPinkSeal You’re being unkind. I would suggest you stop typing and pause and just have a think about why you are being deliberately provocative and unkind to someone. After this I will ignore any messages you write and I hope others do the same.

I’ve reported the nasty, goady comment.

@VeryOriginalUsername1 your instincts on how to parent your son are all correct, unsurprising really as you have taken the time to learn how to parent him.

I have no patience or understanding left for men who are too lazy to step up or stick around when the going gets tough. He acknowledges that his behaviour is unacceptable, perhaps even harmful, but does nothing about it because he knows you will eventually tell him to leave. He then gets to be “free” whilst able to argue that you are the one who wanted the divorce. Divorcing him will hurt like hell whether you do it now or in 10 years time (and, unless he gets a personality transplant, you will absolutely leave him because you are so obviously a good mother and good mothers protect their children) so I would do it sooner rather than later before he leaves a more permanent mark on your children.

You say he loves your son but love without action is just words. If he doesn’t love him enough to read a book I’m not sure his kind of love is the type of love a child needs.

And he expects an autistic 7 year-old to control his behaviour at all times when he, a grown adult with decades of experience managing his own behaviour, can’t even do so himself? Laughable, really

OP - fellow autism mum here. Been through similar with my husband who absolutely couldn’t handle son’s meltdowns.

In retrospect (not making excuses but) I think he was mourning the som he thought he would and struggling with trying to parent the way he himself was parented, very strict. And he really struggled that this approach doesn’t work with autistic kids. The more he punished my son the worse his meltdowns got!

Things which helped -

I managed to drag him on a course

got third parties like school / gp to talk to him

connected with other sen families and the dads hung out and shared advice

talked to him in a calm moment and explained that kids store negative memories differently to positive ones. And that when our son is an adult he’ll remember being shouted at more than all the happy memories and birthdays and bedtime cuddles. That really made him reflect.

these threads are always heavy on the leave him narrative and of course do that if it’s what you want to do. But I don’t agree that someone losing their sh*t when under a lot of pressure makes them an abuser. It’s not good parenting. But if losing temper and shouting when we shouldn’t is abuse then i’m an abuser and so is everyone I know. Having an autistic child is so, so stressful and often dads process this very differently and often not well.

Remember most SEN families end up divorced. You are under more pressure than others.

He sounds scary. You’re not wrong op.

This is horrible. If he refuses to get parenting advice then he needs to stay away from them.

@VeryOriginalUsername1 I have two sons like you and eldest is autistic (15). I have always been the one to "manage" him. My dh did attend meetings with a psychologist to help us parent him which was good but I felt that it became more about him getting counselling with his own feelings due to son's behaviour rather than learning strategies to deal with son...

I'm a sahm, my dh works in a stressful environment and I have always told him to leave the eldest to me when it gets difficult rather than blowing up on him which will escalate everything. I am patient and I can focus on his needs thanks to me not working. I think that's why we are not divorced.

I can honestly say I know my H would have been utterly useless with a child with special needs - I feel for you OP

I think it is likely your DH is ND himself from what you describe. He sounds very rigid and having a ND child is means it is more likely that one of you is as well.

I really used to struggle to keep calm when Ds's (adhd and asd) behaviour was difficult . In the early years I had a few outburst along the lines you describe from your DH. I am ashamed of them and they seriously damaged my relationship with DS but that is the case and there is no point denying it

I did a lot of work to try to help me control my outburst of frustration with him over the years but like you husband I did feel that I would never be able to be as good at this as my DH is, who really does not do outward displays of anger at all and denies ever feeling it. (Though whether this is actually true is debatabl) .

When I get angry, the old description of red mist falling is pretty accurate. I feel out of control. However over the years I have learnt that that I can in fact control it, it just takes a lot more effort than other people might need to expend for a similar result. I am much better now. and am proud of myself for staying calm nowadays in many situations I wouldn't have in the past. However , I still lose it occasionally . Maybe DS would have been better without me around over the years i reallt struggled with this, I can't say for sure but I am grateful DH has been patient over the years

I suppose what I am saying is that your DH can definitely work on this and improve but also if you are expecting him to never shout and to always be calm , I think that is unlikely so you need to decide what you think is best for your family with regards to whether it works better with you DH living with you or not.

Remember he is still you DSs dad so leaving him won't change that, he will still spend time with your DS, just without you around.

Ask your dh to source a book that explains how to stop your ds being autistic..
Then he may realise how bloody ridiculous his attitude is..

@VeryOriginalUsername1 it sounds as though your DH is in denial about your son's SEND. Maybe feels he didn't get the child he wanted /expected.
Unless he accepts the situation and actively educates himself on why your son behaves as he does and how to manage it you are on a hiding to nothing. It's not a happy family life if your DH

doesn't support his child's needs and obstructs you in doing so.
He needs to make a clear choice and so do you.

I wonder if it might help your DH to understand and cope if you talk about your son’s behaviour in terms of overwhelm. This might be from stimuli inside (feelings both emotional and/or physical) and outside (sensory stimuli from sound, sight, touch, smell etc). Might this help your DH understand that for your DS adding in more stimuli, shouting, escalates the situation.

If your DH can take this on board it might help to start exploring your DHs behaviour with the same language eg recognising that when DS suddenly behaves in X way it can feel overwhelming and a knee jerk response can be to shout to stop what feels like a threatening situation. But looking at how that turns out it Y happens as everyone’s overwhelm increases. Would it be possible to …

Just suggesting this to try and open up a conversation in a way he might find non-blaming. And yes, understanding both sets of needs from a neurodiverse perspective.

I have a son with special needs and learning difficulties (and related behaviour issues) and can relate to the difficulties you are facing.

Please don’t give up on your marriage (yet). You need to understand that some people,like your husband, find it really challenging to deal with this type of behaviour. It really is tough!

Talk to him calmly about how you feel, tell him you understand his frustration and help him find solutions. Antidepressants, parenting courses for children with additional needs (I did find this helpful), support groups for parents facing similar, giving each other a break from the kids, finding respite opportunities through charities, etc.

Self refer to early help

If he refuses to do the parenting courses then you need to tell him it is the end of your marriage.

It sounds as though he has massive pent-up anger that his life isn’t turning out as he expected. He needs therapy.

I think to clearly communicate how difficult this has become and you are seriously considering the future of your marriage.

As you have said he needs help to parent those flash points. I think he needs the chance to remedy this and understand the gravity of the situation before calling time - unless you’ve already given multiple chances and he knew this might be a deal breaker

However in the meantime you seem to be in the position of protecting your DC from him - can he live elsewhere temporarily?

@VeryOriginalUsername1 I’m in a similar position - my autistic son also loses his shit when he can’t find something he wants/can’t make something/something falls apart, etc. my DH also struggles to regulate his feelings (they are very similar in that respect!). In fact I remember being in the car with my DH before kids and he banged his head on the steering wheel because he was struggling to park. I’d never seen anything like it!

My DH is dismissive of parenting courses, etc. and does not always accept he has difficulties regulating anger/frustration.

What helps me is to be really clear with him (when I can see the red mist descend) that he needs to walk away and tell him that I will manage a situation. He can find this difficult and patronising from me, but I am getting better when I see it coming and I am extremely clear that he needs to go and take a breath. If he were ever aggressive towards me when I did this (or to our DS at any point) then that would be the end of the relationship.

I also try and talk things through with him when he is in a calm and relaxed mood. I talk about what makes me angry and what makes him angry - our different triggers.

I wonder if couple’s work could be helpful for you both - where the goal is to support you to understand each other and work as a team (you might need to try out some different therapists as some are a bit shit but some are brilliant!). My DH had dismissive and punishing parents and went to boarding school where I don’t think he had the help he needed to understand and manage emotions. I think when my DS loses control, my DH responds to him as he was responded to as a child! I think understanding what your DS’s behaviour taps into for you DH could be helpful and you could make a plan together about how to approach situations. I wonder if a written plan (involving your DS’s ideas too) could be helpful? Ross Greene has done some interesting work you might already know about.

It’s tough and there are no magic solutions, but i wish you well in whatever you decide to do. You really sound like a caring and thoughtful mum who has your kids best interests at the centre.

The question is, can he manage his behaviour in work and outside the home. Because if he can't manage his behaviour, he would have lost jobs or been penalised in other ways. If he hasn't, that means that he can manage his behaviour

This will then lead to our son shouting more, my husband storming off and slamming things, slamming doors, hitting the wall etc.

What you're saying here, is that your husband is expecting better behaviour from his 7 year old autistic son, than he has.

I don't say this lightly, because it will be awful, but he needs to go on the courses, learn to control himself, or leave, because all he's doing now is making you resent him and his son hate him (and causing more issues for you, because now you need to deescalate 2 people not just your son)

' he told me that his dad had shook his (my sons) leg. I asked my husband about this and he said he did, to stop him because he was about to kick again.'

when did that happen ? as you were with him during this car journey.

If you and your husband divorce, he could ask for every other weekend to see his sons, maybe more ( tho I doubt it ) that would mean he would have his sons all to himself - how would you keep your eldest son safe ?

or of course he may not bother having the eldest so often and just have the youngest which would split the family even further and you would never get a minute to yourself as you would be parenting 100% of the time.

Pp have talked about reframing descriptions of your child's behaviour, perhaps it would help DH if you discuss strategies that you can use to avoid escalating the overwhelm for DS and for the pair of you.
It can really help to let people know that walking away/ consciously ignoring behaviour is a deliberate strategy and is often very effective. Perhaps his role could be to remove your younger child and provide a distraction, which will stop DH feeling like an extra in his children's lives, which is probably part of the problem.