I think this is the end of my marriage and I don’t know what to do

[VeryOriginalUsername1]

I don’t know what to do. I have been married for 12 years. We have 2 boys. Our eldest is 7. He is autistic. Our youngest is 3.

My husband cannot manage his behaviour. I have begged him to access some parenting advice as I have so that we can be consistent. He says he can’t, he would not understand.

A lot of the time things are fine and we are a happy family. But then something will happen. This morning my eldest son was taking something that is special to him into school. He dropped it in the car and in anger kicked my husbands seat. My husband was driving.

This has happened to me before. I pull over, explain how unsafe it is for me to drive like that, wait for him to calm down, and then carry on.

My husband flipped. He did an emergency stop on the car, both boys cried. He screamed at our eldest son. He carried on driving and then did an emergency stop again because our eldest son kicked again. I banged my head on part of the car and the boys cried even more. I was trying to stay calm and diffuse everything. We got to school and my husband was still shouting. Another mum who I know was looking at me as if to see if things were ok.

When I took my eldest son into school he told me that his dad had shook his (my sons) leg. I asked my husband about this and he said he did, to stop him because he was about to kick again.

This kind of thing is happening more frequently. I’d say maybe one a fortnight or once a month I’m not sure.

What do I do. My children love their dad and he loves them. We have a happy family life usually. But I feel like I’m on eggshells and knowing my son has gone into school after all that has broken my heart.

Is this just normal and to be expected, am I expecting too much of my husband in terms of managing our son’s behaviour? He thinks I am. I just don’t know anymore.

The first thing I would do is change the seating arrangements in the car, put the autistic child behind the passenger seat. It's not safe to allow him the freedom to kick the driver's seat. That should have happened immediately after the first time he did it, tbh. DH is possibly correct that you are 'too soft' because you have allowed the behaviour to continue. The answer is not to expect the child to regulate his behaviour in the moment but to make it easy for him to do the right thing which if you work with SEND children I would expect you to do automatically.

If husband has gone to stay with his mum, now would be a good time to insist that he engage with specialist parenting classes. He will never understand if he doesn't do them.

If you’re the poster with the son being thrown off the chair then I want to say get urgent intervention.

Your boys are experiencing weekly physical threats/ punishment, mum and dad arguing loudly, explosive parent, kids crying and worrying.

This is very damaging to them.

Thank you so much everyone. Absolutely take it on board about where his seat is. Him kicking the back of the drivers seat is not a regular occurance (has happened to me twice in the last few years) so it’s not something that was in my radar. But yes absolutely we will change that.

Can I give some other examples of things that are a trigger? Because I’m finding it so hard to work out if this is my husband struggling with some impossible behaviour and my standards are too high.

One regular example is if my oldest son is having a meltdown or distressed you just need to leave him alone. If you don’t he will shout at you to ‘shut up’. Now, obviously this isn’t ok. But he having a meltdown. He is distressed. My husband will scream back at him ‘you don’t tell me to shut up’ or something like that, which escalates things.

This will then lead to our son shouting more, my husband storming off and slamming things, slamming doors, hitting the wall etc.

He then says that I’m always on our sons side because I will comfort my son because he’s scared and upset, as is our younger son who is witnessing it.

And what he doesn’t understand is that the whole thing could be avoided if he just left our son alone when he’s having a meltdown.

I should point out too our son does have consequences. He knows any hitting, throwing things at anyone he loses his tablet or switch time (which is limited anyway). Being consistent with this has pretty much stopped our son from hitting at all. He has told me that he wants people to shut up so that he doesn’t get angry and doesn’t hit.

Other examples are all similar. So our son might have pushed a chair over in anger, not ok, I would never say that it is. My husband would respond by matching his anger and more, will push chairs over himself and shout at him. I’ve explained time and time again that all he is doing is teaching our son how to act when he’s angry and it’s making it worse.

Thank you again for the replies and giving me this space to think everything through

Do you have autistic children?

I understand it. I absolutely understand why husband is doing this. Every day relentlessly, it does destroy a part of you eventually. He has zero capacity remaining.

OP is right to see that something has to change.

Any way imaginable to get son to school etc separately. They need to be separated.

But OP doesn't want to make things harder for herself. She'll burn out.

No, that’s wasn’t me. I don’t usually post

I’m sure OP will find your delightful comments really helpful. Careful in that glass house of yours…

Why is the husband apparently the most important person here?. And what’s all this too about honouring the husband?. It’s bullshit.

Fundamentally your husband has a bigger ego than understanding of how to care for and manage an autistic child. He’s more concerned about his son getting one over on him than understanding his son’s distress so he’s more concerned about putting him back in his box than calming him down and making him feel safe. My ex-h was exactly the same as this and he never changed. Hence ex. Your son is 100% more calm without him there because he feels the tension just like you do. IMO your husband needs to do a 180 on his parenting or a 180 out the door. I now live in a lovely calm house with my girls and everyone is much more relaxed. Meltdowns are minimal and de escalated quickly when they do occur. You sound like a fab mum.

Why is he the least important person as is always the narrative here? She chose her husband after all. He’s probably the one paying for it all too

You obviously know nothing about autism. Autistic kids lose control of themselves and their physical selves when they are stressed. If it were possible to ‘learn’ self control it would be possible to teach kids not to be autistic. Which it isn’t.

I shouldn’t allow you to derail the helpful and supportive responses I’ve had so far.

I parent my son to the best of my ability. I am calm because it helps. I model how his teachers respond to him.

He has clear, consistent consequences and these work.

I am not perfect. I am trying my best.

Sorry I think I quoted the wrong message there and responded to a supportive reply by mistake.

“One regular example is if my oldest son is having a meltdown or distressed you just need to leave him alone. If you don’t he will shout at you to ‘shut up’. Now, obviously this isn’t ok. But he having a meltdown. He is distressed. My husband will scream back at him ‘you don’t tell me to shut up’ or something like that, which escalates things.”

OP, your DH needs to remember that he’s the adult - to shout back that a seven year old doesn’t tell him to shut up makes him sound like another kid in the playground. You need to speak to your DH and tell him that an autistic seven year old is not very good at self-regulating, which is why he has meltdowns in the first place, and that he (DH) needs to learn to ignore and walk away. To “scream” at a seven year old is never acceptable (unless he is in imminent danger) and simply escalates the situation. My own DF was a great shouter, and it never helps anything, and particularly not with an autistic DC. Ask him also if he would find it acceptable to be shouted at by the DC - he is modelling behaviour that they will copy.

What about your husbands needs? Do they not matter? How will it be if you are a single mum without no support whilst hr lives it up with another gf, which is what would happen if your relationship breaks down. You are not the powerful one here. His needs absolutely must be considered too

thanks, Joan and Jericha....

I know you’re only trying to get a response from me, but no, no one’s needs matter to me more than my children’s.

I guess it's less of a question of whether or not you're expecting too much of your husband and more of a question of whether he is coping right now and his behaviour shows he clearly isn't. Let's be honest here, having an autistic child is incredibly stressful and difficult and some people are better cut out to deal with their own frustrations than others are. It really doesn't matter whether people think your husband should be controlling himself better or not, the reality is that he isn't so I would be looking into divorce and the children living with you alone before things escalate.

I can not say strongly enough that you are not expecting too much. I have an autistic child and dh is sometimes the only one that keeps me sane. Yes, sometimes it can push you to the brink, but we walk away, or in your example, stop for a minute whilst everyone calms down. You cannot have an adult behave in an unsafe way around your child. He needs to acknowledge that his reactions are wrong and learn some coping strategies or he needs to go.

sorry for confusion OP. It was a similar setup….and also a another dad (parent) not bothered to control his explosive anger and instead acting and venting it like an overgrown toddler.

Things need to change. It's good that you've told your husband you want some space from him, and I hope you follow up on that. It is entirely possible for your husband to learn to manage his anger, but he has to want to, and understand that the consequence of him not taking any action will be that you don't want him around you or your children any more.

So following through on that, making sure he does go and stay with his mum, and making sure that there is a reset moment in your marriage - I need you to go to parenting classes, I need you to develop strategies for managing your anger, I love you but I don't love your behaviour and I am not going to live like this, our children deserve better and so do I...

You are not over-reacting. I wish you love and strength.

My husband used to be very angry. He worked on it. He went to the GP and got anti-depressants, he read self-help books, and he is genuinely much less angry now. People CAN change - but it isn't easy, and if your husband doesn't put the work in, things will only get more explosive as your son gets older and hormones are added to the mix. You do need to take action now, either by removing yourselves from your husband's life or by laying down the terms for him staying in yours.

It could easily get taken out of your hands if another parent or the school report this.

Take a look at the Calm Parenting Podcast, specifically the short episodes aimed at dads. It might be something that resonates with him. At the very least you’ll both know that this pattern you’re both in isn’t unique. There’s great advice and techniques on that podcast, for both parents - as mums we can be too soft at times and learning to work as a team is half the battle.

If this man can control himself around people like his work colleagues or to people in the outside world then he does not have a problem with anger. He has a problem with anger, OPs anger, when she rightly calls him out on his behaviour.

It’s worse! My DS was like @VeryOriginalUsername1s DH and, eventually left because he couldn’t cope. However, my DGS has learnt that losing your temper is “normal” and does it himself now. My poor DiL has had to “train” this out of my DGS and, gradually, it’s working but it’s hard.