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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think this is the end of my marriage and I don’t know what to do

190 replies

VeryOriginalUsername1 · 12/12/2025 09:23

I don’t know what to do. I have been married for 12 years. We have 2 boys. Our eldest is 7. He is autistic. Our youngest is 3.

My husband cannot manage his behaviour. I have begged him to access some parenting advice as I have so that we can be consistent. He says he can’t, he would not understand.

A lot of the time things are fine and we are a happy family. But then something will happen. This morning my eldest son was taking something that is special to him into school. He dropped it in the car and in anger kicked my husbands seat. My husband was driving.

This has happened to me before. I pull over, explain how unsafe it is for me to drive like that, wait for him to calm down, and then carry on.

My husband flipped. He did an emergency stop on the car, both boys cried. He screamed at our eldest son. He carried on driving and then did an emergency stop again because our eldest son kicked again. I banged my head on part of the car and the boys cried even more. I was trying to stay calm and diffuse everything. We got to school and my husband was still shouting. Another mum who I know was looking at me as if to see if things were ok.

When I took my eldest son into school he told me that his dad had shook his (my sons) leg. I asked my husband about this and he said he did, to stop him because he was about to kick again.

This kind of thing is happening more frequently. I’d say maybe one a fortnight or once a month I’m not sure.

What do I do. My children love their dad and he loves them. We have a happy family life usually. But I feel like I’m on eggshells and knowing my son has gone into school after all that has broken my heart.

Is this just normal and to be expected, am I expecting too much of my husband in terms of managing our son’s behaviour? He thinks I am. I just don’t know anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeryOriginalUsername1 · 12/12/2025 14:05

Thanks again everyone, I truly appreciate every reply. There have been so many replies and this has given me a safe space to talk openly and reflect on what happened.

My husband has just called to say he has made a GP appointment to talk about his anger and get some help for that. He is also willing to do any parenting class, and we will go together so we are both working from the same page.

He is also happy to give me any space I need, but was clear that he wants to do whatever he can to keep our family together.

This doesn’t dismiss what happened this morning and how upsetting it was. It can never be ok to me and it would mean the end of our marriage if things don’t change. I have asked for some space still because I feel like we both need time to reflect and think about what we do next for our family.

OP posts:
TreeDudette · 12/12/2025 14:15

My ASD DD is 15 and when she has a meltdown she still yells at me, usually shut up or go away. It's totally normal, she needs to let the anger out. She often also grits her teeth and makes screaming or groaning noises. She punches her pillows on her bed to also let it all out. It is my role to stay calm and be there when it passes to provide her a hug and mop up the tears. Shouting at her is the most counter-intuative thing I can think of. It would add to her overload, all that noise and stress. Your H needs to attend some autistic parenting courses and do some reading and control his adult self!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 12/12/2025 14:15

Iseeyou99 · 12/12/2025 10:29

My immediate understanding and empathy as a mum has gone to your husband.

Why - because I have absolutely felt destroyed by behaviour and I've done the emergency stop in absolute despair. I have absolutely lost it over my situation. I'm on my own so it is relentless.

I would change the seating where you can. Any way you can move the seats forward. Anyway to change driving arrangements.

I'm not excusing your husband. He has had enough which you can't fix but removing the triggers for now is important.

Edit - parenting classes feel useless to me if or don't fully understand autism and have their own autistic children.

Edited

💐

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 12/12/2025 14:18

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2025 10:50

Why is the husband apparently the most important person here?. And what’s all this too about honouring the husband?. It’s bullshit.

Who is saying/where is it said the father is the most important person here?

RightSheSaid · 12/12/2025 14:25

VeryOriginalUsername1 · 12/12/2025 14:05

Thanks again everyone, I truly appreciate every reply. There have been so many replies and this has given me a safe space to talk openly and reflect on what happened.

My husband has just called to say he has made a GP appointment to talk about his anger and get some help for that. He is also willing to do any parenting class, and we will go together so we are both working from the same page.

He is also happy to give me any space I need, but was clear that he wants to do whatever he can to keep our family together.

This doesn’t dismiss what happened this morning and how upsetting it was. It can never be ok to me and it would mean the end of our marriage if things don’t change. I have asked for some space still because I feel like we both need time to reflect and think about what we do next for our family.

It sounds like he wants to change things. I hope he's true to his word. The thing is (and this really resonated with me) promises of change without action are a form of manipulation and behaviour is a form of communication. You'll know if your relationship is salvageable by his actions moving forward.

Also, when I do the wrong thing I actually apologise. I think it's good to model the behaviour we expect. H should, in my opinion apologise for his behaviour.

Example
I'm sorry I broke / braked in the car and that scared you. I was feeling angry / frustrated. I shouldn't have done that. It's okay to feel angry/ frustrated but it's not okay to scare other people. Next time I feel like that I'll take a few breaths or have a timeout.

Bearbookagainandagain · 12/12/2025 14:26

It's an extreme reaction to someone kicking your seat. But so is pulling over IMO.
If your son has a tendency to kick the seat and it bothers you so much, don't seat him behind the driver.

RightSheSaid · 12/12/2025 14:28

Also, can I suggest that you don't source things for him. Let him find the course and book them. He needs to demonstrate that he wants to make the changes.

Glowingup · 12/12/2025 14:30

Bearbookagainandagain · 12/12/2025 14:26

It's an extreme reaction to someone kicking your seat. But so is pulling over IMO.
If your son has a tendency to kick the seat and it bothers you so much, don't seat him behind the driver.

Really? You think it’s cool when you’re driving and someone unexpectedly kicks your seat? It’s actually exceptionally dangerous and could result in a serious accident. But I agree he should not be seated behind the driver.

Genevieva · 12/12/2025 14:35

Soberfutures · 12/12/2025 09:27

That is abuse. Please leave. No child should have to put up with that. Yes your DH is obviously not coping with bringing up an autistic child but there is help and he is choosing not to access it.

This is not abuse. This is a parent broken by challenging behaviour who needs to listen to his wife and accept support in finding better ways of coping.

Iseeyou99 · 12/12/2025 14:42

VeryOriginalUsername1 · 12/12/2025 14:05

Thanks again everyone, I truly appreciate every reply. There have been so many replies and this has given me a safe space to talk openly and reflect on what happened.

My husband has just called to say he has made a GP appointment to talk about his anger and get some help for that. He is also willing to do any parenting class, and we will go together so we are both working from the same page.

He is also happy to give me any space I need, but was clear that he wants to do whatever he can to keep our family together.

This doesn’t dismiss what happened this morning and how upsetting it was. It can never be ok to me and it would mean the end of our marriage if things don’t change. I have asked for some space still because I feel like we both need time to reflect and think about what we do next for our family.

This sounds so positive. I agree with the poster who highlighted the need to see action. I know many people full of verbal promises.

I see a very assertive, yet lock g approach with the husband is best. I would say this is such a positive thing to hear. You absolutely understand how tough this situation is and not what you both hoped for ( that's the truth).

I'd want to know when the appointment is with the GP. I'd also want to have a talk about very specific plans for the next meltdowns ( sons), the driving arrangements need to be changed. Husband needs to talk to you about this.

Is there anyone who can have your kids overnight to give you a bloody break from this relentless monotony? You deserve a day and a night off. I'd bribe any family member to do it. I'd activity pay them tbh.

I also agree with the same poster who said it's important to model true accountability. I do this and it might be useless but it's right - and that's to apologise for ones own inappropriate behaviour. That involves never saying ' but you did this....' or any buts. Husbands on this situation rarely apologise I see. He should because he's the adult. He can apologisr for losing his cool. Then end conversation there.

Do what you can to change this driving situation. Separate them if you can in any way for now.

LadyRoughDiamond · 12/12/2025 14:47

VeryOriginalUsername1 · 12/12/2025 10:56

I know you’re only trying to get a response from me, but no, no one’s needs matter to me more than my children’s.

Show quote history

Excellent response OP 🩷

thechampselysee · 12/12/2025 14:48

VeryOriginalUsername1 · 12/12/2025 14:05

Thanks again everyone, I truly appreciate every reply. There have been so many replies and this has given me a safe space to talk openly and reflect on what happened.

My husband has just called to say he has made a GP appointment to talk about his anger and get some help for that. He is also willing to do any parenting class, and we will go together so we are both working from the same page.

He is also happy to give me any space I need, but was clear that he wants to do whatever he can to keep our family together.

This doesn’t dismiss what happened this morning and how upsetting it was. It can never be ok to me and it would mean the end of our marriage if things don’t change. I have asked for some space still because I feel like we both need time to reflect and think about what we do next for our family.

when I was a teen my dad had issues with his anger, he would shout and rage, prior to this he was a wonderful loving and caring father. I think his dad dying and some issues at work affected him. He went to his gp, had anger management classes and was like a new man. It completely changed him back to the lovely caring man he was before, for the rest of his life.He has a very traumatic childhood also and It think this was starting to affect him.
If your husband recognises he needs to change and gets help there is hope so it's great he is going to speak to his GP.

Glowingup · 12/12/2025 14:59

Im pleased he’s getting help. He doesn’t sound abusive, just very stressed and understandably so. And if it was a mum screaming at her kids in the car everyone on here would tell her to give herself a break and that she’s a fantastic mum (because I’ve seen several threads like that). But when it’s a dad people immediately say that the OP has to leave him.

lessglittermoremud · 12/12/2025 15:03

There was a very similar post about a father not coping well with his ND child off a chair after he refused to eat dinner.
If you are the same poster it’s really time to leave and if you’re not it’s worth looking on that thread because lots of helpful advise was popped on there.

Outside9 · 12/12/2025 15:03

I also find it weird that so many are asserting that because your husband lost his cool - which literally every human on Earth does from time to time - somehow that means he may also be on spectrum.

But trust mumsnet to throw a baseless diagnosis at any issue.

Glowingup · 12/12/2025 15:04

lessglittermoremud · 12/12/2025 15:03

There was a very similar post about a father not coping well with his ND child off a chair after he refused to eat dinner.
If you are the same poster it’s really time to leave and if you’re not it’s worth looking on that thread because lots of helpful advise was popped on there.

She’s said she’s not the same poster

Viviennemary · 12/12/2025 15:06

Your son is a naughty boy. It is dangerous to kick seats in a car. No your husband shouldn't have lost his temper. But you both need to step up discipline and discourage bad behaviour.

Ohthatsabitshit · 12/12/2025 15:08

If you separate your husband will have custody half of the week. How would that be better for your children? Nobody wins with that outcome.

LiveToTell · 12/12/2025 15:09

VeryOriginalUsername1 · 12/12/2025 10:48

No, that’s wasn’t me. I don’t usually post

Show quote history

You should read it - your situations are identical.

houseofisms · 12/12/2025 15:10

Viviennemary · 12/12/2025 15:06

Your son is a naughty boy. It is dangerous to kick seats in a car. No your husband shouldn't have lost his temper. But you both need to step up discipline and discourage bad behaviour.

Wow you sound pleasant and understanding of what it’s like to have an autistic child! I sincerely hope you don’t have one as I’d fear for the welfare of the child!

pikkumyy77 · 12/12/2025 15:14

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2025 09:45

This is not normal and is indeed potentially dangerous from him. He would not behave like this to people in the outside world. He is choosing not to access help available to him in parenting his children (why?), your eldest in particular.

What do you mean he cannot manage his behaviour?. He certainly cannot manage himself around you or your kids and as I've written already he would not behave like this in front of his work colleagues or to people in the outside world. If he can behave himself around people in the outside world he can control his anger. It could be argued that he has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his behaviour. You do not get a free pass in dealing with your children and he saying he would not understand in relation to a parenting course is an absolute cop out. I would now take him at his word and send him back to his mother's.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.

If you feel like you are on eggshells your kids feel that the same and more besides. They are also picking up on your reactions to their dad, both spoken and unspoken, here. They are going to end up fearing their father as well as loving him at the same time; children are programmed to love their parents anyway no matter how crap they actually are.

I would seriously consider if this is a man you want to remain married to. You have a choice re him and your children do not.

This is correct. Attila the Meerkat is offering a sound perspective.

MrsJeanLuc · 12/12/2025 15:18

@VeryOriginalUsername1 thank you for your latest update. It sounds positive - your husband is acknowledging the problem and proactively taking steps to address it. I hope you feel comforted by that and can start to see that there can be a way forward for you as a family.

houseofisms · 12/12/2025 15:18

I have a child with severe autism (as well as other stuff) I wasn’t allowed to drive on the car alone with him as he’d escape his harness and attack me!

unfortunately many marriages/relationships break down after having a SEN child. It’s generally the mother that takes on the role we never asked for and scrabble around doing our best with little support.

my exH couldn’t deal with our sons behaviour (he high ranking police) and he started using physical punishment. He had our son (then 5) in his room and slapped him hard for having a meltdown and wouldn’t let me in to get to our son. I kicked him out there and then and changed the locks! We had been together 13 years.

unless he can get his head around autism and do some research etc then it’ll probably only get worse.

on a positive note, I met my now partner 2 weeks after I kicked my ex out and we’ve been together for 6 years. He’s amazing with all 3 of our ‘quirky’ kids!

life is too short to put up with this, especially if he’s not on board/accepting of your sons struggles x

EddyNeddy · 12/12/2025 15:24

Why on earth have you considered to seat your autistic child behind the driver when this is a known issue?

Monty34 · 12/12/2025 15:26

Would it be better if just you drove him to school, rather than both you and dad ?