I think this is the end of my marriage and I don’t know what to do

[VeryOriginalUsername1]

I don’t know what to do. I have been married for 12 years. We have 2 boys. Our eldest is 7. He is autistic. Our youngest is 3.

My husband cannot manage his behaviour. I have begged him to access some parenting advice as I have so that we can be consistent. He says he can’t, he would not understand.

A lot of the time things are fine and we are a happy family. But then something will happen. This morning my eldest son was taking something that is special to him into school. He dropped it in the car and in anger kicked my husbands seat. My husband was driving.

This has happened to me before. I pull over, explain how unsafe it is for me to drive like that, wait for him to calm down, and then carry on.

My husband flipped. He did an emergency stop on the car, both boys cried. He screamed at our eldest son. He carried on driving and then did an emergency stop again because our eldest son kicked again. I banged my head on part of the car and the boys cried even more. I was trying to stay calm and diffuse everything. We got to school and my husband was still shouting. Another mum who I know was looking at me as if to see if things were ok.

When I took my eldest son into school he told me that his dad had shook his (my sons) leg. I asked my husband about this and he said he did, to stop him because he was about to kick again.

This kind of thing is happening more frequently. I’d say maybe one a fortnight or once a month I’m not sure.

What do I do. My children love their dad and he loves them. We have a happy family life usually. But I feel like I’m on eggshells and knowing my son has gone into school after all that has broken my heart.

Is this just normal and to be expected, am I expecting too much of my husband in terms of managing our son’s behaviour? He thinks I am. I just don’t know anymore.

Your husband's issue with your son is that he (ds) can't contain his anger and lashes out. Your husband then explains to you that he can't contain his anger when it happens and therefore, lashes out. The big difference though, is that he's a grown man and a parent while your son is a 7yo with autism. It's simply not okay and if he's not willing to address his problem with therapy or parenting classes, he's clearly not as determined as you are to be a good parent.
In your shoes, I'd leave if it meant the kids were protected from him. Unfortunately that won't be the case. He'll end up solo-parenting them at times and you'll be so stressed out about what's going on while you're not there.
It's such a tough situation but I think I'd stay if only to make sure I was around when things kicked off. Leave in a few years when the kids will be able to choose who they want to live with and see.

@VeryOriginalUsername1 are you too soft? I think that’s the wrong question. In my view you are not too soft, because you don’t tolerate anger outbursts from an adult. It sounds like you neither tolerate those from your son.

When your husband can’t cope and lashes out you could then in turn lash out at him and end up in spiral of shouting and have children crying.

So if anything, you are strong.

I’m saying this from own experience, no autistic children. But have very young children and my husband has very little patience. It is definitely linked to his past and his upbringing.

The kids are much better with me. Yes, I allow them much more, but it’s things that ultimately don’t matter. He on the other hand escalates and then says it’s because I allow them too much.

Doesn’t happen too often. It’s a funny one, though, because I am much less tolerant to his behaviour and have much less patience with him, whilst with the kids I always catch myself if I start winding myself up - as I expect more from him, whilst I understand that the kids’ brains are not yet fully developed (and what we do now does shape that development!).

Moral of the story being, shouting, lashing out, getting angry is ultimately not good for anybody. It’s a sign of not coping.

I challenge the people who have very strong views on being very tough. Up to what extent is that linked to them being raised in similar ways - by people who were unable to handle situation without becoming an authoritarian.

I’m feeling for your husband here, he’s trying to drive his family, safely and the last thing he needs is anyone kicking his seat. To be fair, I can see why he’s annoyed and sick of it all. Doesn’t make him a bad dad or deserving of leaving or divorcing, goodness. Breaking up your family is a bit extreme because he shouted with just cause. People shout, kids get irritating, it’s life x

I also struggled to manage my children's behaviour when they escalated, and would shout and scream. We have talked about it as adults (we are still very close, miraculously). I just couldn't stop my own emotions from overwhelming me, and it wasn't a good combination.

The only thing that helped was having my husband step in and tell me to calm down/step back. I think if you could come to some type of consensus that parenting difficult children is enormously stressful, and that you will 'tag team' and step in if the other one is having difficulties, and that other person will step back, it would help.

I wish I'd done a parenting course to teach me how to manage my own overwhelm in the face of defiant or challenging behaviour.

By all means leave, but then they will still have contact with him, he will still struggle and ultimately being a single parent to young autistic boys on your own isn't for the faint-hearted. I found being a lone parent the hardest time of my life.

If there is a way that you can get on the same page, show understanding that he cannot control himself BUT that this cannot continue (so the same calm firm attitude you show with your son, not blame/judgement) then there may be a way forward worth working towards together. I would go all out for flattery myself, make him the expert in dads and autistic boys, give him pride in that, can he connect in with other dads in similar situations? At the moment he probably feels very shit about his lack of abilities.

It seems to me you aren't saying he's like this on a daily basis, more that his frustration mounts up and explodes.

Anyway, hard times, either way. It is not easy but you have had some good suggestions on here about working together on this, at least if you try that way and fail you will know you have done everything you can.

Autism presents in many different ways. I do know that, I'm autistic myself. The kid may be able to be taught to not kick seats.

No child should be kicking the back of the driver's seat whilst the car is moving. It's not safe. What with OP giving in over everything and gentle parenting I'm not surprised her DH is getting to the end of a very short (now) tether. Having an autistic child is hard work and it's not made easier by telling OP that stopping her autistic DS from kicking the driver's seat whilst the car is in motion is dangerous. Or should they just crash the car?

Came here to say this. Your DH is probably autistic, given that your son is, and never learned to manage his emotions.

I split up with my ex because he could not sort his shit out on this stuff. Every time we tried to talk about it he would be saying "but he..." of our tiny son. Like why are you telling me about someone else's behavior when we are talking about you? He's not in charge of your behavior, you are.

The split was horrendous and ex's behavior was worse for a long time. It's better now our children are older (DS is 15). But it was horrible thinking I had to send my son in alone and unaccompanied to his dickhead dad. I didn't believe they were in absolute danger and I sought help from the family services near us. They actually weren't that good but it felt good to be feel like there were eyes on the ex and he was forced to behave a bit

My son is smart and now just thinks his dad is a bit of an idiot. His dad continues to believe everything would be much better if everyone just did what he wanted at all times and if there are any problems., they are everyone else's fault.

My son has had a sanctuary of calm since we left and for more than a year hardly saw his dad. His dad did not much to repair this and well. It's his loss I guess.

You can't really protect your kids fully from who their dad is. Or from the world being as it is. I felt the only agency I had was to say at least, I do not agree with this, I do not have clsoe relationships with explosive or controlling people and they do not belong in my home or family. I can't stop them existing, I can't change their behavior and I'm not able to stop them coming into contact with me or my family. But I don't have to accept their behavior and I don't. It's hardly anything really but it was all you cam really hope for.

The truth is though, that blokes and parents like my ex need to be met with support and love. They need to be supported and cared for in the way we want to offer their kids. They need to feel not judged if they are to shift at all. I eas unable to offer this to my ex. I even said to him, you need ro look elsewhere for support on this because I actually can't look past what you are doing to DS, I've tried but I can't. And I think it's in that where you can work out where the marriage stands. I said to my ex if you are unwilling to shift then you are forcing me to choose between you and him and I will always choose him. So either stop putting me in this situation or accept that I will leave. This just made him stick to his guns more. So I left.

None of it was good and none of it makes me think oh everyone in this situation should do x. But the fact is you can not shift this man out of your life entirely and leaving doesn't evaporate the problem, it just changes your position in relation to it. That was right for me and my kids I think. But it brought its own misery

I agree. It must be possible to teach avoidance of dangerous behaviour. And maybe OP could sit DS behind the passenger seat?

This was thought as well. It doesn’t help with your husband’s behaviour but it will certainly be safer all round in the car.

Your husband is as disregulated as your son. It can be exhausting mentally and emotionally to navigate behaviour like this. You seem to be able to take it in your stride but not everyone can do that, and I’d never expect all parents to reach your level. Your husband needs additional support to get to a place where he can parent your child in difficult situations, which he needs to be willing to engage with

That’s not universally true. Autistic children can absolutely be taught not to do certain things.

There are times it is difficult to maintain your cool at all times even with neurotypical children. Especially when parenting styles aren't aligned (e.g. one parent is gentle, and other is more firm). So I kind of empathise with your husband.

It does feel that sometimes, there's a perception that because a child has ASD, there's no point in setting parental boundaries because of the misconception the child won't be able to grasp it. That's certainly not the case for all.

You have gained some space with your DH staying elsewhere. This is a really useful first step.
If you do have to separate, it is because you don't have any other choice to in order to look after your children.
Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job with your children. ❤️
Your DH urgently needs support - it maybe that he is autistic as well! He clearly isn't coping and it's not sustainable. Possibly go to the GP or reach out to support groups/other men who he can talk to about what he is going through.
This is such a tough situation for you all to be in and imo, shouts about abusive behaviour are really unhelpful. This is so much more complicated than simple 'abuse'.
Kate Silverstone's book there's no such thing as naughty and the follow up book there's still no such thing as naughty maybe worth your DH reading. They aren't aimed at autistic children but in understanding what's happening with children and the interactions of parents and children. They are an absolutely brilliant resource.....

Agreed - and how do we teach them? Do we lose it, yell, shake, and make everyone in the car cry?

Or do we pull over where it's safe, and calmly tell the kid how dangerous it is to do that (OP says this is rare)?

Is performing an emergency stop because a 7 year old kicked you in the back a proportionate response?

I've had my child accidentally hit me with something in the car, an emergency stop wasn't a safe or sensible response. I told them that that was stupid and dangerous, then emphasised why when we pulled over. Child hasn't done it again, and if it looks like they might, I remind them why it's stupid and dangerous.

I agree, losing it at the child is unlikely to help. I am surprised he was sitting behind the driver tbh, as he has done this before according to the OP. However, I also have some sympathy for the DH who sounds at the end of his tether and I know that feeling of rage when you’re placed in an intensely dangerous situation (such as someone kicking your car seat). Hopefully both the DH and DS can learn techniques to manage their behaviour.

My dad spent my whole childhood "sick of me" and behaving like this, when really I needed help, desperately.

It destroyed me. I'm a successful 36 year old woman now, but I remember the shouting and accusing every day. I still hate my mother for not making the right choice when I had none.

If you feel for this immature, bellowing man so much, you marry him.

Most men don't want children in the first place. Add in a child with disabilities and they want them even less!

OP, it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job with your kids - I parent a neurodivergent child (possibly 2 - jury still out!) and it is HARD.

Completely agree that it is not OK for your kids to witness these explosions from your husband. Now things have come to a head, if you sent him a link to a specific parenting course running at a specific time that can be worked into his diary, do you think he would do it (and no - you shouldn't have to organise this of course, but we're not in a perfect situation here...).

What is his / your relationship like with wider family - his parents etc? Can they help talk him round to doing a course and also some therapy?

Do you think it's possible that your husband is himself neurodivergent, and so the sensory stimulation of his son melting down is particularly difficult for him to deal with? Is this something he might be willing to look at?

He needs parenting courses and therapy - possibly also family therapy. I think you should explore those routes before accepting that the marriage is over, if your family life is happy with the exception of his reactions to meltdowns. But as you are exploring these routes, you probably do need to be also making a plan for if the marriage does have to end.

My own father was gentle and kind 99.9% of the time, but when he wasn't, he very explosive and drove dangerously when angry. I still have a memory of him driving like a lunatic with my mother screaming at him to stop. Things like this have definitely impacted me as an adult, but it's impossible to say what impact a divorce might've had. And of course, if you divorce and he has access, you are not there to mediate and comfort when he is solo parenting through meltdowns...

Oh yes. We did this. Got a social worker in. She was so wonderful and helpful.

For whatever reason some men (particularly men) need to hear from a third party in authority that their behaviour needs to change.

I know it shouldn’t be like this but sometimes it just is.

If you have been raised in the old school way of ‘bad’ behaviour = shouting / punishment it’s very very hard to learn that you have a child this approach doesn’t work for. It’s not an excuse. But it is an explanation. Parenting SEN kids is harder than parenting norms (I have one of each. I can assure you the SEN child is 5x more work than the NT). And when things are harder, people are more likely to make more mistakes along the way

Only the OP can know if her marriage worth saving. All i’m saying is @VeryOriginalUsername1 you are not alone x

I have begged him to access some parenting advice as I have so that we can be consistent. He says he can’t, he would not understand.

What wouldn't he understand?
Why won't he even try for his son's sake?

He then says that I’m always on our sons side

Well yes because he is a child trying to deal with emotions & witnessing his dad making no attempt to rein in those same emotions!

If he only adds to the problem then you might all be better off with him living elsewhere.

This has been my observation over a long life. They go along to get along, but the vast majority really don’t have the strong desire for parenthood that can get them through unexpected difficulties.

More people should be discussing “how would we cope with x, y or z?” before conception. Because these issues are hardly uncommon.

Huh my husband begged for kids.

Then we got a SEN child not the rugby-playing straight-A student he’d manifested and his approach was very much ‘i wanted a kid but not THIS kid’.

FFS.

To be fair we got through it and he’s a lovely dad now.

I couldn't put up with the child's behaviour, either.
Yes, I'm child free. Usually don't take men's side here, however.... most posters probably advise you to leave. May be the best thing for both your son and your husband.
Before anyone screams "You are weird",
I was born in a country where the well being of PARENTS was actually prioritised and it worked very well.
I understand that it's not the way it works now.
Your son's behaviour in the car was dangerous.
See how far your husband is willing to go to suppress himself for the sake of the family.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but it really does sound if your DH has real issues with emotional regulation.

As you well know, this can be an autistic trait. I wonder if DH should explore that as, if this hunch is right, he will need different coping strategies to you. Yes, he‘s an adult, but if he hasn’t learnt strategies to deal with regulating his emotions, he’s actually as helpless as your son in that situation, and wouldn’t be able to use the parenting tips. Indeed, on the off chance he recognises elements of himself in his autistic son, there may also be resentment that his son is ‚getting away‘ with something he just had to ‚deal with‘.

I‘d invite you to consider that scenario as, if he is undiagnosed autistic himself, that’s something he‘ll have to understand and work with in order to cope with the challenges of raising children, ND or NT.