I think this is the end of my marriage and I don’t know what to do

[VeryOriginalUsername1]

I don’t know what to do. I have been married for 12 years. We have 2 boys. Our eldest is 7. He is autistic. Our youngest is 3.

My husband cannot manage his behaviour. I have begged him to access some parenting advice as I have so that we can be consistent. He says he can’t, he would not understand.

A lot of the time things are fine and we are a happy family. But then something will happen. This morning my eldest son was taking something that is special to him into school. He dropped it in the car and in anger kicked my husbands seat. My husband was driving.

This has happened to me before. I pull over, explain how unsafe it is for me to drive like that, wait for him to calm down, and then carry on.

My husband flipped. He did an emergency stop on the car, both boys cried. He screamed at our eldest son. He carried on driving and then did an emergency stop again because our eldest son kicked again. I banged my head on part of the car and the boys cried even more. I was trying to stay calm and diffuse everything. We got to school and my husband was still shouting. Another mum who I know was looking at me as if to see if things were ok.

When I took my eldest son into school he told me that his dad had shook his (my sons) leg. I asked my husband about this and he said he did, to stop him because he was about to kick again.

This kind of thing is happening more frequently. I’d say maybe one a fortnight or once a month I’m not sure.

What do I do. My children love their dad and he loves them. We have a happy family life usually. But I feel like I’m on eggshells and knowing my son has gone into school after all that has broken my heart.

Is this just normal and to be expected, am I expecting too much of my husband in terms of managing our son’s behaviour? He thinks I am. I just don’t know anymore.

please do not leave your child alone with your husband. if he can do such things in front of you, then it could escalate more if alone.
he needs to go to his GP for a start, and any groups in his area which would help him with living with an autistic child.
if he continues like this, Social Services will intervene, and they will make you choose between him and them. if you choose him, chances are the children will be removed.

I have a son with autism so I know that shouting of any kind or raised voices has little effect on behaviour it just makes things much worse with our son and then he gets distressed and anxious.

Your husband needs to do a parenting course for autism parenting. This will only escalate as your son gets older and will end in disaster I fear.

Sorry I missed that bit in the updates, it’s still worth her having a look on there because there were a few posts on there from people with ND children whose husbands/partners struggle/ed, myself being one of them.

Op my husband used to really struggle and thought I was ‘being too soft’.
It was only by talking about our parenting differences/styles with my son’s consultant and therapy team that he came to realise that getting cross was not helping our situation at all.
I can very easily see the emergency stop situation happening because almost identical situations have happened here. The last time it happened my DH safely parked up at the nearest opportunity for us to calm the situation down etc previously he would have done the same as your DH.
The most important thing is that your husband recognises that there is an issue and it’s something that needs working on urgently, time will tell if he can take on board the advise.
Parenting children is hard on any relationship, parenting ND children is even harder which puts an even bigger strain on everyone. Hope things settle and you can get the support you as a family need.

Hi @VeryOriginalUsername1 i dont have any experience with autism or any other areas your family is struggling so cannot help, and you also got some great advices already. I just want to say you seem to be a brilliant person and a mother. That calm tone and warmth coming from your messages is truly inspiring. You seem to be very intelligent and down to earth. You are doing an amazing job.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha are you actually serious? You do know that some people have actually brain damage? My son is autistic because his brain was starved of oxygen at birth. Autism does excuse a lot of things actually except no one wants to say or hear that. Do you think some autistic children smear themselves in shit because they enjoy it? You need to realise that some autistic children have absolutely no control over their emotions instead of judging.

Jeez, calm the fuck down.

"My husband cannot manage his behaviour. I have begged him to access some parenting advice as I have so that we can be consistent. He says he can’t, he would not understand."

Your husband can not manage WHOSE behaviour? His own or his son's?
WHO would not understand?
Does your husband also have autism?
It is confusing because it sounds like they are both autistic.

Find something they both like and share it with them as the middle man.

Hi everyone. I wanted to update as there were so many of you who took the time to reply. I found many of the replies extremely helpful in helping me to makes sense of things and balance it all out.

My husband has seen the doctor (he actually already had an appointment booked but hadn’t told me as he was debating cancelling it). He has been referred for counselling and prescribed some anti-depressants.

We are both feeling more positive now that has happened. I think it has been a weight off his shoulders and it has made me feel hopeful. We are both trying to be a bit kinder to ourselves and each other and recognise that we are on the same team, we’re not supposed to be battling with each other.

Thanks again for the support and advice 😊

Well here’s hoping he gets some help for his own issues and some understanding for your child’s needs leading to better days ahead.

If you are interested in the future of your marriage your husband’s needs for love and security and a happy life need to be considered too. I think you need couples counselling to understand each other and work as a team with your son.

Your husband needs to be much more than "a bit" kinder to you. I am not sure if him being normally kind will ever be possible. Anti-depressants cannot make him less reactive. On the other hand I can't find anything that suggests that you have ever been unkind to him.

Given that in your experience your son behaves better when your husband is not there; and according your husband your son behaves well when they are alone together; this suggests that splitting up and parenting separately will be the least-worst option for your son. Though you should expect that if anything ggoes wrong while your husband is sole-parenting your son then your husband will blame you even though you weren't there, because that's how he rocks. And you will blame yourself even though you weren't there, because that's you rock.

But it does sound as if the worst things happen when the two of you try to parent DS together.

Sorry if I missed this in the replies, but has your husband autism too?