Mentionitis? Should I be worried.

overthinkingmum1 · 2025-12-11T20:07:38+00:00

DH is a headteacher, and, therefore a DSL. I have no idea about the context but since September a child/family in the school have got a social worker, something quite serious I assume as he is attending a lot of meetings about it. DH talks endlessly about this SW. How hard she works, the hours she’s doing, she was poorly, she was in again today etc etc. Something feels uncomfortable and I don’t want to hear about her again! At the same time, I could be being really unkind, without knowing what’s going on, he could be quite upset about the situation and the SW is a bit of a comfort. How can I manage this?

ClareVoiance · 11/12/2025 20:44

Are there any changes in his behaviour?

HoneyParsnipSoup · 11/12/2025 20:45

‘Comfort’ - he’s a grown man in a position of great professional responsibility. He clearly has a crush.

Lamentingalways · 11/12/2025 20:51

This is one of the grossest traits isn’t it? I think he has a crush - sorry! I bet if she was a 55+ year old
lesbian he wouldn’t give a shit that she was poorly or overworked. He has a lot of staff that he is responsible for, has he ever mentioned feeling sorry for them due to being unwell or because of their workload? I’m guessing not. I feel like it’s quite unusual for it to be the head teacher in all these meetings, has he been this heavily involved previously? They usually get another member of the safeguarding team to do it, they’re the boss after all. Also, does he usually need comforting about children having a difficult time? This is going to sound awful (I’m a teacher) but after a while, whilst you do care, you detach.

Disclaimer; I don’t trust any men.

sprigatito · 11/12/2025 20:56

If he’s wanging on about how hard she works and how stressful her life is 🙄 then they’re already talking outside of the formal meetings about a specific child. No way of knowing how far it’s gone at this point, but I think you’re right to be concerned.

RollyPollyBatFace · 11/12/2025 21:00

I’d ask him outright if he has a crush on her tbh. Providing that he’s never given you cause for doubt before and you have a good relationship, then yeah - he’s your husband and you should be able to be upfront and blunt with him. I would be with mine

However, if you suspect he’s messing around in some capacity with her then you may wish to hold fire and try and gather some evidence

Lamentingalways · 11/12/2025 21:08

sprigatito · 11/12/2025 20:56

If he’s wanging on about how hard she works and how stressful her life is 🙄 then they’re already talking outside of the formal meetings about a specific child. No way of knowing how far it’s gone at this point, but I think you’re right to be concerned.

Yes actually never considered that. If she’s so busy why does she have time to stay and chat? Surely she would arrive, go into the meeting and then leave after. It also wouldn’t usually be the HT that contributes the most to these situations, the class teacher knows the child best so they should also be in the conversations. I would think the HT and social worker actually have very little to discuss between just the two of them outside of the meetings.

Thereisalight4 · 11/12/2025 21:09

I mean I am going to guess she is a good looking younger woman!

Original poster

overthinkingmum1 · 11/12/2025 21:10

I don’t think he’s messing around with her, doesn’t sound like she has the time 🙄 there’s no change in his routines, he works long hours.

He has never behaved like this before. Perhaps why I’m having such a response to it. He talks about colleagues but in a very neutral way.

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Lamentingalways · 11/12/2025 21:12

I’ve already posted - sorry. If this does become ‘something’ then your husband and the social worker are playing with fire. Impartiality, integrity and fairness are absolutely imperative in a safeguarding situation. If you feel that there is anything inappropriate between them then I would suggest taking photos / evidencing any messages etc between them. This is not a line to be crossed. (I know it hasn’t got there yet and maybe won’t).

Lamentingalways · 11/12/2025 21:14

overthinkingmum1 · 11/12/2025 21:10

I don’t think he’s messing around with her, doesn’t sound like she has the time 🙄 there’s no change in his routines, he works long hours.

He has never behaved like this before. Perhaps why I’m having such a response to it. He talks about colleagues but in a very neutral way.

Well it’s not looking good for him then is it? If he doesn’t usually comment on anyone else. I echo the comment about her being attractive. Sorry OP. Hopefully she is finished in school soon

Original poster

overthinkingmum1 · 11/12/2025 21:15

Thereisalight4 · 11/12/2025 21:09

I mean I am going to guess she is a good looking younger woman!

He thinks they’re the same age roughly, discussed in the context of how much she works given she’s probably got children. This was when I wasn’t too worried, it was almost a fairly normal comment

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u3ername · 11/12/2025 21:23

I think you’ve got nothing to worry about as long as he talks to YOU about her. Yes, it might be a bit of a crush or he is just impressed by her. The important bit is he shares his thoughts openly with you. He is with you.

I imagine in a month or two she’ll be gone. And if she’s a mum, working long hours, she probably doesn’t have much time to pay attention.

Original poster

overthinkingmum1 · 11/12/2025 21:40

That’s what I thought initially. Then i searched Mumsnet and Reddit and ‘Mentionitis’ came back as a massive red flag. I don’t want him to have a crush on her. Crushes in my past have felt big and all consuming, and I don’t want him thinking about her like that. I already feel like he’s aligned with her because of their shared children or something

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Runrunrudolph · 11/12/2025 21:41

Well he seems to know quite a bit about her personally - her hours, her illness etc. - so there must be contact out with these meetings.
Do they message each other?

Original poster

overthinkingmum1 · 11/12/2025 21:44

Not on a personal level, I don’t think. No change in phone use or more secretive etc. I know there are a lot of emails because he commented once about a 7am email and “oh, her long hours”

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chipsticksmammy · 11/12/2025 21:47

I think you need to ask him if he fancies her. I don’t talk about my work colleagues like that with DH

Notthehill · 11/12/2025 21:54

u3ername · 11/12/2025 21:23

I think you’ve got nothing to worry about as long as he talks to YOU about her. Yes, it might be a bit of a crush or he is just impressed by her. The important bit is he shares his thoughts openly with you. He is with you.

I imagine in a month or two she’ll be gone. And if she’s a mum, working long hours, she probably doesn’t have much time to pay attention.

Sorry, but no.
No, no, no.
Just because he is chatting openly to OP about the woman, it does NOT mean he is not going to have an affair with her. I'm not saying he is, but many affairs start in plain sight like this, with DH talking openly about a work colleague or sports friend or fellow-hobbyist - in fact it's usually the first sign that something is amiss.

FredaMountfitchet · 11/12/2025 21:58

In a word yes .

wrongthinker · 11/12/2025 21:59

Trust your instincts, OP. They're telling you that he is seeing this woman as more than just a friendly colleague. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that you've clocked this, and that he will have to sort himself out, because the alternative is divorce. Make it clear what the boundaries are for you and what the consequences will be of him not respecting those boundaries. Remind him of his marriage vows. Just be really completely clear that you're not having any of it and he needs to stop messing around. Honesty is the best policy here.

Bobblehatwobbles · 11/12/2025 22:20

Yeah I’m a DSL and in senior leadership in a school so deal with social workers ALL the time…this isn’t normal behaviour whatsoever.
He definitely has a crush on her at the very least.

AnonAnonmystery · 11/12/2025 22:20

wrongthinker · 11/12/2025 21:59

Trust your instincts, OP. They're telling you that he is seeing this woman as more than just a friendly colleague. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that you've clocked this, and that he will have to sort himself out, because the alternative is divorce. Make it clear what the boundaries are for you and what the consequences will be of him not respecting those boundaries. Remind him of his marriage vows. Just be really completely clear that you're not having any of it and he needs to stop messing around. Honesty is the best policy here.

Exactly this. And now. Don’t let it linger.

Mirt · 11/12/2025 22:36

What is a DSL out of interest?

Obviously likes her else he wouldn’t talk about her. Men only talk about women they fancy.

Original poster

overthinkingmum1 · 11/12/2025 22:52

Asked him in a jokey way when social work was mentioned (not her, the profession) again tonight. Said he seemed to be obsessed with social work and social workers at the minute and had he made the wrong career choice? He just said something about she had made him see what the job really was and it was really hard or something, and that seemed to be another excuse to talk about it a length. Don’t know what I’m doing here, but he’s making feel a bit shit.

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Original poster

overthinkingmum1 · 11/12/2025 22:53

Mirt · 11/12/2025 22:36

What is a DSL out of interest?

Obviously likes her else he wouldn’t talk about her. Men only talk about women they fancy.

Designated safeguarding lead. I didn’t think the head usually did all this but apparently so

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Sodthesystem · 11/12/2025 22:54

I'd pull him up on it personally.

'Look John you have mentionitis with this sally person, it's making me quite uncomfortable. You do know you have a wife right? And I hope you've told her that. Sort your shit out. You're being really disrespectful and incase it bad to be said, if you ever cheat on me, I won't give you a second chance'.