Page 7 | Mentionitis? Should I be worried.

overthinkingmum1 · 2025-12-11T20:07:38+00:00

DH is a headteacher, and, therefore a DSL. I have no idea about the context but since September a child/family in the school have got a social worker, something quite serious I assume as he is attending a lot of meetings about it. DH talks endlessly about this SW. How hard she works, the hours she’s doing, she was poorly, she was in again today etc etc. Something feels uncomfortable and I don’t want to hear about her again! At the same time, I could be being really unkind, without knowing what’s going on, he could be quite upset about the situation and the SW is a bit of a comfort. How can I manage this?

Runrunrudolph · 14/12/2025 00:31

overthinkingmum1 · 14/12/2025 00:05

Before we got together!

I’ve lost the chance to discuss this again, at least for now. Crying wasn’t helpful.

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How have you lost the chance OP?

Why is he allowed to talk ad nauseum about this woman but you are only allowed to speak to him once about his behaviour and the effect it is having on you?

You have every right to challenge him, especially given the worrying way he responded the first time you raised it.

If you don't challenge him you are allowing him free reign to eulogise another woman while you, his wife , is reduced to an audience to his admiration of her.

Doubledenim305 · 14/12/2025 00:31

overthinkingmum1 · 14/12/2025 00:06

always one. Why?

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Just ignore. You don't sound like hard work. Something feels off with what's going on and u are checking if u r right or wrong.
All the answers say something IS amiss.
Absolutely nothing you have said or done merits that response.

Pryceosh1987 · 14/12/2025 02:17

You can manage it is calm and paitence. Paitence gets better the more we use it.

MrsDoubtingMyself · 14/12/2025 06:24

overthinkingmum1 · 14/12/2025 00:05

Before we got together!

I’ve lost the chance to discuss this again, at least for now. Crying wasn’t helpful.

Show quote history

You haven't lost any chance. You can speak to him about anything at any time.

You are not restricted in any way. He's not in charge. Your feelings are 100 % valid and you are allowed to express them 24/7/365 should you want or need to. You are in charge here. Not him

Please stop being so passive

BuckChuckets · 14/12/2025 07:39

Runrunrudolph · 14/12/2025 00:31

How have you lost the chance OP?

Why is he allowed to talk ad nauseum about this woman but you are only allowed to speak to him once about his behaviour and the effect it is having on you?

You have every right to challenge him, especially given the worrying way he responded the first time you raised it.

If you don't challenge him you are allowing him free reign to eulogise another woman while you, his wife , is reduced to an audience to his admiration of her.

Show quote history

Very much this. Come on, @overthinkingmum1 , he doesn't give a shit about reassuring you, his thoughts are too consumed with her. You've nothing to worry about because she's married with kids, not because he'd never betray you. He said TO YOUR FACE he'd be up for it if she was single. Plus she's the only one of the group of social workers he talks about.

Kidsgotothatschool · 14/12/2025 08:31

It is absolutely fine to do things at your pace, but that needs to be YOUR decision. It’s very concerning that you feel you have to wait to bring this up again. Why?

As for being passive, I do think that although this is your decision it is IME the wrong one. I should have gone scorched earth before it became something larger and more threatening. I did not. I cried. I reasoned. I chose to believe his platitudes. I should have gone with my gut, I allowed the creeping ‘he wouldn’t do this to me (and the children)/he hasn’t got time/he’ll listen if he knows I’m upset etc etc to railroad. Tbh I gaslighted myself. To this day I wish I’d laid what cheating is AS ABUSE in front of him, talked about how ‘the friendship’ was threatening our marriage and found more strong ways to deliver my message.

And don’t listen to the minority of posters who always come on threads like this to shout their you’re being ‘controlling, manipulative, needy, whiney, jealous’ or whatever, your instincts are spot on. We do recognise when we’re unsafe and this growing attachment is clearly leaving you feeling unsafe.

Your feelings matter, your right to safety in your marriage matters.

UninitendedShark · 14/12/2025 09:13

It’s worrying that you think you have lost the chance to discuss something with your husband and that by showing emotion he will take you less seriously. Let this situation hold a mirror up to your relationship in general.

ClareVoiance · 14/12/2025 11:47

always one. Why?
Probably because it was late on a Saturday night, @overthinkingmum1 .

Catpiece · 14/12/2025 11:50

I’d tell him to shut the fuck up about her I’m not interested.

rainbowstardrops · 14/12/2025 11:59

Catpiece · 14/12/2025 11:50

I’d tell him to shut the fuck up about her I’m not interested.

I think that would be my response too!

Upsetbetty · 14/12/2025 12:06

overthinkingmum1 · 12/12/2025 19:25

Had it out with him. I cried at him really. He said she’s married with children which is reassuring.

Waaaait a minute!! i’m sorry to burst your bubble but I wouldn’t find this reassuring at all… after all he is also married with children is he not? So what did he mean by this that if she wasn’t married with children it would be a different story!? Fuck that! Maybe he doesn’t have a crush and that’s not a big deal on the scale of things. But him reassuring you with the fact that she is married with children is neither here nor there , a fucking cop out, and not reassuring at all imo. I’m sorry.

UnintentionalArcher · 14/12/2025 12:15

overthinkingmum1 · 14/12/2025 00:05

Before we got together!

I’ve lost the chance to discuss this again, at least for now. Crying wasn’t helpful.

Show quote history

You absolutely have not lost the chance to discuss it. Discuss it whenever you want to.

If you’re still uncomfortable then discuss it. If you have even the tiniest niggle then discuss it. Calmly, ask him to sit down with you and tell him that you need to discuss it further, then discuss it! This is how healthy marriages function.

I mean the above really nicely and it’s not always easy to do it, but I’m trying to make the point that you are in charge, this isn’t a game, and you need to feel free to be able to talk to your husband whenever you need to.

If he really did say that the reason you didn’t need to be worried is that she’s married with kids (I appreciate this may have just been your quick summary of it which may have missed various other aspects of his response), then that’s worrying and not good enough. He should be saying that the reasons you don’t need to be worried are because he loves you, doesn’t see her that way and never will, and would never break his own marriage vows even if 90s heyday Cindy Crawford walked in naked and propositioned him, etc, etc. If he then, at the end of this long list, said as a sort of aside ‘and anyway, she’s married with kids as well’, then that’s different, but if he really did say the reason for him not cheating is that she’s married, I’d be a bit worried.

DoingAway · 14/12/2025 12:58

OP you have every right to bring this up again. Just make sure you have thought about what you want to say and how. Write it down maybe. Look online for ways to frame difficult conversations. Often these things if left unresolved will come back to bite us on the bum unfortunately.

Maddyisqueen · 14/12/2025 12:58

overthinkingmum1 · 14/12/2025 00:05

Before we got together!

I’ve lost the chance to discuss this again, at least for now. Crying wasn’t helpful.

Show quote history

Ah ok but it’s not bad to have a crush in marriage - it’s acting on it that’s bad

Maddyisqueen · 14/12/2025 13:00

BuckChuckets · 14/12/2025 07:39

Very much this. Come on, @overthinkingmum1 , he doesn't give a shit about reassuring you, his thoughts are too consumed with her. You've nothing to worry about because she's married with kids, not because he'd never betray you. He said TO YOUR FACE he'd be up for it if she was single. Plus she's the only one of the group of social workers he talks about.

Show quote history

I tend to agree with this

hadnt realised that about the answer she married

is he saying would if I could?

outerspacepotato · 14/12/2025 13:34

"You know, what you said the other night about SW being married with kids really deflected from the issue I was trying to talk about with you and that is you seem to have feelings for her. I'm very worried about our marriage because you talk about SW multiple times every evening. You've never talked about other SWs, but you're bringing this one home and into our time together. I think you've got a big crush and you've got feelings for her that affect our marriage. "

Something like that.

You can bring this up at any time because he just deflected in that conversation. There's something there that he won't address.

AnonAnonmystery · 14/12/2025 13:35

I think you really need to be careful as married people with dc have affairs. And also men like your husband that are slightly narcissistic and like to be perceived in public as a respectful pillar of the community. This men who really continue to soak affairs but will have one.
Hes having an emotional affair right now whether he realises it or not. I’ve read so many threads where the H is so blinded that he praises the ow to his wife while friend zoning the wife. Your approach is wrong. Forget about you crying - you think that because you’ve cried that you can’t bring it up again! That’s ridiculous. You can bring it up any time you want but I would say be more controlled about what you say and what you want the outcome to be.

Also, you cried, your husband knows you are upset - has be approached you to talk and repair? If he hasn’t that’s not very good either. He’s likely hoping that by gaslighting you and making you look unreasonable that you won’t bring it up again.

please don’t bury your head in the sand @overthinkingmum1 Things like this don’t go away.

AnonAnonmystery · 14/12/2025 13:36

Correcting to prev post - I meant have affairs and not soak! Random auto bloody correct :)

AnonAnonmystery · 14/12/2025 13:37

outerspacepotato · 14/12/2025 13:34

"You know, what you said the other night about SW being married with kids really deflected from the issue I was trying to talk about with you and that is you seem to have feelings for her. I'm very worried about our marriage because you talk about SW multiple times every evening. You've never talked about other SWs, but you're bringing this one home and into our time together. I think you've got a big crush and you've got feelings for her that affect our marriage. "

Something like that.

You can bring this up at any time because he just deflected in that conversation. There's something there that he won't address.

We were thinking and writing the same thing!

Crunchymum · 14/12/2025 13:41

overthinkingmum1 · 12/12/2025 20:21

I said “we need to talk about this social worker” or something along those lines. Then burst into tears and said something about clearly fancying her because he didn’t shut up about her. He said he was sorry but he’s just impressed with her stamina and how good she is with kids, but I didn’t need to worry because she was married with kids. Sorry, I should have added all of that in the last message

Did he actually confirm he isn't attracted to her?

Telling you nothing is going on / could go on because she is married isn't exactly reassuring.

Maddyisqueen · 14/12/2025 15:07

outerspacepotato · 14/12/2025 13:34

"You know, what you said the other night about SW being married with kids really deflected from the issue I was trying to talk about with you and that is you seem to have feelings for her. I'm very worried about our marriage because you talk about SW multiple times every evening. You've never talked about other SWs, but you're bringing this one home and into our time together. I think you've got a big crush and you've got feelings for her that affect our marriage. "

Something like that.

You can bring this up at any time because he just deflected in that conversation. There's something there that he won't address.

That’s brilliant.

Wish I could conduct myself like that!

brunettenorthern91 · 14/12/2025 16:43

I have always told my husband if there are men at work (now and in the past) who seem to “like me“ and I avoid them as much as I can unless it’s work related.

They’re always sweet enough men and several have been married or had girlfriends… My husband has met several either at company drinks or even in the supermarket with me and he agrees he can just SEE the way they look at me. (I’m honestly convinced it’s because I’m ambitious and happily happily married so I’m always happy as a person - this is because of my amazing and supportive husband?!.)

I’m a head of legal, I talk to almost everyone, but it’s almost never legal related and I always have to remove myself from the conversations with an excuse.

They could very easily over mention me at home and say “it’s fine, she’s married” if questioned by their spouse and while they’d be right - I’m not interested and adore my husband - I’d be so hurt as their wife. So you can’t cheat simply because she doesn’t like you and loves her husband….?

I always trust my intuition - your husband will work with countless women in teaching and this one has pricked your ears when he’s mentioned her. There’s a reason… I’ve been there before myself. You need to sit him down. You haven’t missed your chance - tell him you understand he has to work closely with her on this case and it will continue but given there is a team of SW this is the only one he mentions and it’s coming across as adoration. Personally? My angle would be to say if you are noticing it, then others at work too and maybe even she and her SW colleagues. It will make him look unprofessional “even if they’re both married and wouldn’t actually have an affair” if he’s getting personal with her and he’s worked hard to get where he is and is jeopardising that. Some men need their work ego questioned to get a grip sadly! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster

overthinkingmum1 · 14/12/2025 18:22

Thanks everyone. We spoke again this afternoon and I said a lot of what was mentioned below. He said the other SW are in and out quickly or one meeting every 12 weeks, this SW is in court and around a lot more as a result. None of it was very reassuring, almost an opportunity to talk about her more! I told him I don’t want to hear about her again, and to be very very careful. Not sure what else I can do.

OP posts:

bleakmidwintering · 14/12/2025 18:31

Strikes me he’s got a touch of limerance. Your response to him almost implies ‘. get on with it but I don’t want to know’ are you feeling a bit defeated by his responses op?

MrsDoubtingMyself · 14/12/2025 18:57

overthinkingmum1 · 14/12/2025 18:22

Thanks everyone. We spoke again this afternoon and I said a lot of what was mentioned below. He said the other SW are in and out quickly or one meeting every 12 weeks, this SW is in court and around a lot more as a result. None of it was very reassuring, almost an opportunity to talk about her more! I told him I don’t want to hear about her again, and to be very very careful. Not sure what else I can do.

Ask him to move out ? Until he can stop having an emotional affair