Mentionitis? Should I be worried.

[overthinkingmum1]

DH is a headteacher, and, therefore a DSL. I have no idea about the context but since September a child/family in the school have got a social worker, something quite serious I assume as he is attending a lot of meetings about it.

DH talks endlessly about this SW. How hard she works, the hours she’s doing, she was poorly, she was in again today etc etc. Something feels uncomfortable and I don’t want to hear about her again! At the same time, I could be being really unkind, without knowing what’s going on, he could be quite upset about the situation and the SW is a bit of a comfort. How can I manage this?

Bloody hell, MN is funny. Is this man having an affair? Or are there other very valid reasons that he might talk about someone he’s working closely with in the midst of what can be a really traumatic thing to process?

I do some safeguarding work as part of my job and it’s hard, sometimes to work out how to manage how you feel. Yes, detached, but sometimes it’s hard to be detached. Do teachers have access to debriefing /supervision? This may well be at the heart of what’s going on.

I’m not saying he isn’t dabbling, btw; I’ve no idea, obviously. However, pushing a partner with repeated queries just gives them a window to think “Oh, I could, couldn’t I?” Plus (and I’m not saying this is the case here OP) they’d get away from the endless insecurity and nagging…

The holidays are coming up which should provide a reset.
In my experience SW move on quickly as the job is stressful.
Sorry you are having to deal with this. Mid life crisis or stress response. It’s not great.
Had a similar situation with my DH in an educational setting. Mentionitis. It passed, He went down in my estimation and never came back.

Thanks you all. The rest of the marriage seems fine, in the deep end with young kids but happy.

nothing to do but monitor the situation I suppose, and hope she moves on quickly.

And if she doesn't?

And if she does and someone else comes along for him to mention?

Respectfully, you're very passive

It's really very difficult though to strike the right balance. Partners are allowed to talk about work and colleagues and offload at home. It's really hard to pull them up on it without sounding jealous and controlling. I'm not saying do nothing but saying she's passive is a bit much.
Op, my ex talked a lot about his job and colleagues, so there was nothing unusual there but he made a comment once about a woman he worked with. Said she was bullied in this particular meeting and got upset. There was something in the way he said it that made my ears prick up. Your spidey senses can usually pick up that tiny little nuanced difference. I never found out if anything was going on because I left him anyway, as he was abusive and ironically enough, an enormous bully to me. It stuck in my throat that he had sympathy for her being bullied at work, all the while being the most vicious bully to me at home.

just to address the point that she won’t be working with him for long. He’s said her patch covers his school. So there is the potential that she’ll be in and out for years!

Considering you have already said she could potentially be working with him for years your hope she moves on quickly
sounds rather like you trying to bury your head in the sand OP.

I think you need to really digest what he said in your conversation:
that you found out he is working with other Social Workers but he has never even mentioned this before, that he doubled down in his admiration of her, and he virtually told you that the reason he wouldn't have an affair with her is because she wouldn't be interested because she is married with children.

When you have processed what he said you really need to talk to him again - trying not to get emotional and crying - and challenge him on what he said. And explain to him how his behaviour is affecting you and that it is a threat to your marriage.

I also agree with pp that you would be very wise to prepare yourself with legal advice re your situation if your marriage were to end.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

If your husband is the DSL, he will have met many other social workers during the course of his work. Has he mentioned any of them at length or just this one? He will know by nature that social workers work long awful hours so I would just say, ‘Johnny, you know how awful a social workers work is, why are you so bothered about this one’s job? You have never ever shown concern for any other ones in your school work ever’
See what his reaction is to that. It’s causing you worry and stress and I hope it just turns out to be general concern and not a stupid bloody crush.

I’d watch and see how it goes in the next few weeks and not do anything more for now.
Your own gut feelings/intuition is your best guide.
Years ago my other half started mentioning a woman at his work saying she was fab, was like one of the blokes, loved footie blah blah blah. Then lo and behold he was having an affair with her. She was his boss and married. I was totally blindsided as I could not take it in that he would so that!
It happens unfortunately….mentionits is a thing they can’t help themselves!
It happened to me doesn’t mean it will be the same for you ….but forewarned is forearmed.
Do you work? You said he is a head teacher do you have a job too or is he the sole breadwinner?

He has never behaved like this before.

@overthinkingmum1, please don’t backpedal and gaslight yourself that you are selfish for expressing your feelings and boundaries. You have legitimate and very reasonable concerns, as your H’s behavior has changed and your marriage is under threat.

In my view he is indeed infatuated with this woman. Yes, he admires her stamina and rapport with children, but this goes way beyond professional respect. There is an intensity here that is non-platonic. He has opened a personal window to her and brought her into your marriage. [I echo @Kidsgotothatschool‘s suggestion that you read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.] They are building a close emotional connection, and that intimacy and reliance are escalating. He is getting a buzzy gratification from their dynamic and his laser focus on her is spilling out at home.

His comeback of ‘She’s married with children’ was appalling. He is saying that her marital status protects his fidelity [which is ludicrous anyway, as married women do cheat]. Where was his strong reassurance in terms of his boundaries and his love, attraction, cherishment, commitment and respect for you??

@overthinkingmum1, I suggest that you readdress your valid observations, feelings and boundaries, as well as what the consequences would be for emotional infidelity, or physical. He has so much to lose and is already in dangerous territory. If it would help, pull from the thread and write down what you want to say as a guide to refer to.

I think his reasoning about why nothing would happen was off. He said she wouldn’t because she’s married, but he didn’t say anything about himself, which should be the real focus. Or you, for that matter.

This is how my exhusband started his affair. Chatting a lot about a woman at work. Little things. How much is get on with her too! I’d check his phone when he’s out of the room. Photo any messages then confront him. Or just chat to him as others have suggested. He eventually left me for her and lied to me for at least a year about the relationship. Good luck.

PS spell check: I’d not is!

I hope he stops talking about her OP. You seem really nice and have lots of trust in him which is lovely to see. I can be quite negative when it comes to men because of my own experiences but I genuinely hope this blows over quickly for you. Try and keep yourself busy so you’re not consumed by the thoughts and also remember that you’re incredible too! Just because this woman is busy and good at her job it doesn’t make her any better than you. Your husband sees you every day and you probably make running a home and taking care of children look easy but we know it’s not. Know your worth and what you bring to the table, teachers and SLT wouldn’t be able to have children without a very supportive partner so you’re facilitating his success - remember that. If he carries on after you’ve shared your concerns then start to harden a little if you can to protect yourself, just start to consider your options etc, not obsessively but it doesn’t hurt to know what you would do, where you would go, how you can fund things etc.

Believe me busy people with kids have affairs.hes put her on a pedestal. You have kids, sw has kids. I dont know if you work op? But he is seeing her as some kind of superwoman that he admires.

Yeah this wouldn't fly with me, sorry op. No reassurance about him not being interested because HE'S married.

Being “married with kids” has never stopped an affair, ever.

OP just reread what @MsDogLady said.
It’s far easier to convince yourself of what you want to be true rather than what it was that was bothering you in the first place, which (with kindness ) you have backtracked a bit from and has now moved from
a more sceptical view to defending it all.
You can take your time and wait and see, if you wish, or convince yourself that it isn’t what it looks like and that you’ve always believed he would never, ever etc etc, so obviously it’s all fine, but people do, OP, they really do, and his investment in this, especially since he now knows you have noticed and don’t like it, is not acceptable.

I would never believe people don’t have time for affairs. They make time.

If it was a bloke, your h wouldn’t give a shit about how hard this sw is working.

I would not bother asking if he fancies her or if anything is happening. Like he’s going to tell you the truth if he is!!!

I would keep my ear to the ground and keep alert. Don’t let on you have your spidey senses triggered.

On one hand, I've often spoken about someone at work a lot but it's just I've been round that person a lot and they've made me laugh or annoyed. On the other hand, I'm paranoid and him saying she's unavailable wouldn't necessarily mean he doesn't fancy her, just that he hasn't a chance.

Yes ☝️. Not impressed with him one little tiny bit.
But men can say incredibly stupid, inconsiderate and insensitive things and still be actual quite nice guys and decent husbands.
He needs to be told that was an awful reply and what he should have said and that you aren't at all happy that he's head of heels enamoured with this lady and doesn't mind telling you. It stinks and he needs to stop it and not take you or your marriage for granted.
Questionable behaviour and completely unacceptable reason not to be worried.

Married people have affairs
Pregnant married people have affairs
Nothing flabbergasts me anymore
Mentionitis is a huge waving red flag
Especially when it is out of character .
Be wary .

Is it worse as you’ve had crushes that you’ve let get out of hand

does he talk about your hard work?

just be honest and say if he is getting a crush he needs to stop it - we all get crushes but we don’t let them escalate if we are committed to our marriage

You sound like hard work

Before we got together!

I’ve lost the chance to discuss this again, at least for now. Crying wasn’t helpful.

always one. Why?