Mentionitis? Should I be worried.

[overthinkingmum1]

DH is a headteacher, and, therefore a DSL. I have no idea about the context but since September a child/family in the school have got a social worker, something quite serious I assume as he is attending a lot of meetings about it.

DH talks endlessly about this SW. How hard she works, the hours she’s doing, she was poorly, she was in again today etc etc. Something feels uncomfortable and I don’t want to hear about her again! At the same time, I could be being really unkind, without knowing what’s going on, he could be quite upset about the situation and the SW is a bit of a comfort. How can I manage this?

Sadly agree, he probably thinks he has a green light or will twist it to be that in his head. He sounds a tad obsessive.

What about couples counselling? Ask him to move out for a while? Or simply say nothing else, wait for things to unfold, and in the meantime, get your ducks in a row so you're ready to move as soon as you have confirmation from him. Speak to a solicitor and make sure everything is in order should it come to splitting up. If it's not, put it in order. If it is, you might want to let him know you've spoken to a solicitor and you're seriously considering how you can move forward with him under the circumstances. Right now he's just going to keep telling you it's all in your head. You know it's not. So make some decisive moves and let him know you take yourself and the marriage seriously.

And the messaging and constantly wittering on about her? What has other SWs coming and going got to do with any of this?
Her activities in a professional context are not what the problem is, it’s the unprofessional crush and obsessing that is.
He’s deflecting: “well, she’s married with children “ ie “My behaviour won’t make any difference because she won’t instigate any inappropriate behaviour with me”
And “other SW are in and out quickly or one meeting every 12 weeks, this SW is in court and around a lot more as a result” ie “I can talk about somebody as much as I like because it’s not my fault she’s at my school more often”

So:
“Not my fault she’s always around for me to obsess about and I can do as I wish anyway because she’s married with children, which exonerates me of anything you accuse me of because as long as she does nothing, I can crush and flirt and obsess all day long. “

It’s not his fault he has to work with her often, but it is his responsibility to treat her professionally, to treat her exactly the same as all the other SW.
She might take her marital status seriously, but even if she didn’t, he should take his marital status seriously and it is his responsibility to draw that boundary and close that window of opportunity between them as regards you, not hers.

I would suggest to H he leaves the family home to give you time to consider how you wish to take his emotional affair forward. Let him know you are considering a divorce. In the meantime consult with a solicitor so you know your financial entitlement. Perhaps you taking control will make you feel so much better. I wish you all the best.

He is saying he is trying to let me know about his day without breaking confidentiality of the case. That is why he talks about her.

when I said be careful it was because I won’t tolerate it going any further and he is clear on that.

I like what you said 👍
Very clear to him...stop talking about her. You have drawn a line in the sand.
Just step back now and see how he responds.
He will either stop talking about her or carry on.
If he carries on then you need to think about next moves. If he listens to you at least he's showing some respect.
Well down for confronting him. You have done well👍

So......you're OK about his emotional affair?

But you don't want him to sleep with her. Will he tell you if he does?😵‍💫

He isn’t telling you about his day his talking about a person too much

I think the thing you need to be careful of is if it is an emotional affair and if he takes it underground. I cannot advise on how you monitor this but well done for telling him what your boundaries are.

How did he respond and did he say anything to reassure you. Or was he pissed off that you had mentioned it ( again)?

But he isn't telling you about his day.

He thinks talking about her is talking about his day.

That's a giant red flag right there. He's emotionally invested in her. He's put her on some pedestal and talks about how she works so hard, like you and most other people don't. He's brought her into your home.

I think it's time to talk about marriage counseling. He's crossing boundaries here and if he can't leave her at work, you know this is deeper than a coworker relationship, at least on his side. That crosses your personal boundary.

I think just telling him to stop talking about her is not the solution. He needs to see that his fixation on her is out of line.

I think he also needs individual counseling if this case is so distressing he's using the SW as his emotional support. That's not healthy.

Hi OP, hope you’re ok. Any updates you’d like to talk about?

wouldnt the moving out thing be a bit hasty if there is nothign going on?

however, this whole thread is making me think aobut things in my marriage that I never spoke to my husband about when I should. And I agree about the being concerned thing - there was one of our friends my husband starting talking about a lot ad his concern for her having been 'forced' to have an abortion by her boyfriend. all the while he wouldnt even have a conversation between us about having kids and my declining fertility and upset at nto having kids. I didnt have the. courage to confront him about it.

gosh. I have had many instances like this in my marriage as my DH is 'staff welfare' person which means female staff are in his office sharing all their personal problems.

I never even had the courage to say - ok - im sick of hearing about Laura again.