Mentionitis? Should I be worried.

[overthinkingmum1]

DH is a headteacher, and, therefore a DSL. I have no idea about the context but since September a child/family in the school have got a social worker, something quite serious I assume as he is attending a lot of meetings about it.

DH talks endlessly about this SW. How hard she works, the hours she’s doing, she was poorly, she was in again today etc etc. Something feels uncomfortable and I don’t want to hear about her again! At the same time, I could be being really unkind, without knowing what’s going on, he could be quite upset about the situation and the SW is a bit of a comfort. How can I manage this?

Catching up with your other updates, it sounds honestly like this is one of those obsessive limerent style crushes where you literally can’t stop talking about them even though you’re starting to appear a bit nuts to other people. Coupled with ‘well she’s married with kids’ means he has definitely gone there in his head I reckon.

deeply disrespectful to you all round, and very immature.

Trust your instincts. Not sure the best way to go but I would make fun of how precious he gets when he talks about her so that he can gain some self awareness. Please don't worry about being unkind.

“Don’t worry because I can’t do anything even if I wanted to “

This is pretty much it with regards to his "reassurance" and in those words, it aint that reassuring is it @overthinkingmum1

I am sorry.

I don't know how reassuring this will be but as a social worker I can assure you she probably truly is that busy and hasn't given your husband a second thought, except happy to finally find a professional who also seems to actually care about the child/family in question.

I know I sound ridiculous but he’s really not the type to have an affair. He’s worked very hard to become a head. I’m inclined to think it’s the stress of the situation and working closely with her on it. Especially considering some of the comments from others working in similar contexts. Hopefully this chat and my crying will stop it.

How would you feel if his care was connected to his fancying you? Disappointed I would imagine, at a minimum? I am not a SW but I would question whether he would be this devoted to another child who had a different SW assigned to them.

ETA, wasnt disagreeing with you in case it reads like that! Just interested in how you would feel if you found out that he had a crush on you, which is why he was so keen to be involved.

Thank you. This is what I’m hoping. He’s obsessed with her hours, maybe he just really is impressed by the work she is doing.

Did he seem embarrassed or abashed? Was he surprised at you crying? Basically did he show any emotional sensitivity to you or self awareness during the talk?

Not really, but as I spoke I could hear myself sounding a bit selfish and me me me when he’s dealing with something sensitive. It wasn’t the best conversation as I back peddled and he seemed confused

I know I sound ridiculous but he’s really not the type to have an affair.
It might not be an affair but it might be an emotional affair.

I didn’t need to worry because she was married with kids.

Well that's a deflection. He never answered whether he's crushing on this particular SW that he's talking about all the time and they're discussing their personal lives.

Try again, dude. He's not even putting any effort into making you, his wife, feel reassured or that he's not extremely interested in her.

I have a question. Are the other SWs he works with emailing him outside school hours?

I think you need a long sit down with him and possibly in front of a counselor. He just gave you a load of bullshit and now it's pretty obvious that he is crushing hard. This is going to make it really hard to do his job and could affect his career as a whole.

I think he's skirting very near or in emotional affair territory.

But it takes two to have an emotional affair and from what everyone has said, including him 😒 social workers don’t have time to mess around. It’s clear there is a connection of sorts and that kills me. I’ve had crushes before, and they’ve consumed me. The thought of him thinking of her is awful. But it seems unlikely to have crossed a line

Yes, you should be worried.

He's got a close relationship with this SW and they're sharing personal stuff and his feelings for her and his emotional connection to her is certainly intruding on your marriage to the point he brings her up multiple times in just an evening together rather than focusing on you. They're using each other for support. So yes, I think this is very close to one if not actually there yet.

Like I said before, he has to leave these work issues at work and the associated coworkers. But he's bringing her home.

You can support him emotionally without knowing the details of the cases.

You only need the time to message somebody to have an emotional affair and share conversations at work. It’s far easier now with current technology and the internet than it ever was. Time and being busy is no obstacle.
As long as you’re sure then that’s all that matters, but I think if this has you this upset and posting here, there’s something not right about it all which you have noticed.

If it's a Primary school, it would be unusual for the H/T not to be DSL, especially where meetings about specific families are involved, there aren't enough staff available To go to meetings with outside agencies during the school day, if the H/T doesn't do it. And anyway safeguarding is ultimately the Head's responsibility.
Depending on the school, it could just be that OP's DH has little, or no, experience of working closely with a SW, to monitor the safety of a child within a family and is genuinely fascinated by the whole process.

Incidentally such meetings often have to delay the start time, waiting for the parent, or even a professional, to arrive, so there is often plenty of time for a chat.

You're upset about it so it has crossed your line.
Agree that one EA partner only has to feed the other the odd titbit, so your 'too busy' excuse doesn't work for me.

Teachers are (allegedly) so busy, he wouldn't have time.

(Siblings are teachers and they are unbelievably busy, whereas, of course, my job is 9-5 only, yet ...)

Perhaps he just respects her and is in awe of the jobs she does? It is a very difficult role. Maybe he feels like he’s met his match professionally. Some social workers are very well educated, articulate and commanding. That’s very different from having a crush (although that could also be the case). Perhaps examine your feelings around this - you seem to be secure in your relationship so tell him you feel uneasy and explore these feelings together.

Mm your update left me less reassured than before. Also there isn’t a type of man that has an affair. Equally busy people still have affairs. That’s down to attraction and opportunity versus risk. You are acting quite childlike op; crying and making sweeping statements . Is the rest of the marriage ok?

When you confronted him, did he deny it simply because she's married with kids, or did he say that he categorically does not fancy her, not his type, not attracted to her, he would never have an affair etc? Or simply the marriage and kids was presented as the only barrier?

I've spent 30 years in schools and I absolutely haven't seen that. Sorry.

I get that you dont want to look at what is more likely to be happening, I didnt either. But I would strongly suggest you look into making sure that you and your kids are protected financially. His actions and reactions suggest that he may be more open to the idea of another woman than you have previously thought.

I ignored the red flags, many of us on here did and it was a mistake. Shore up your defences, because as they say its best to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

You need to make sure you and the children are protected financially. Whatever you are choosing to believe now, chances are that this situation could blow up

Don't be a sitting duck

Don't leave yourself unprotected, OP. Hopefully you're right and your marriage is solid. But under the circumstances, I would look into your finances and housing situation and do whatever you need to make sure you're protected. Maybe speak to a solicitor if there's any joint money or complex finances. Be ahead of the game, so if things do go wrong, you're not left panicking about all of that.

I’m sure this has been said but this is not a reassuring answer.

‘He said he was sorry but he’s just impressed with her stamina and how good she is with kids, but I didn’t need to worry because she was married with kids.’

I’d be fuming if my husband told me that I didn’t need to worry because SHE was married with kids. And of course social workers have the time for affairs what absolute nonsense, as do teachers and senior leaders. It’s not ‘rife’ but it happens… (several years on education with dsl role). Cheats always find time for an affair of that’s what they want!

You need to prepare yourself, have a clear back up plan, protect your interests. I’m so SO sorry this response is a red flag. It might be worth reading ‘not just friends’ by Shirley Glass to explain how quickly these things develop and give you the language to be able to tackle this.

Been there and I know it really hurts.