Mentionitis? Should I be worried.

[overthinkingmum1]

DH is a headteacher, and, therefore a DSL. I have no idea about the context but since September a child/family in the school have got a social worker, something quite serious I assume as he is attending a lot of meetings about it.

DH talks endlessly about this SW. How hard she works, the hours she’s doing, she was poorly, she was in again today etc etc. Something feels uncomfortable and I don’t want to hear about her again! At the same time, I could be being really unkind, without knowing what’s going on, he could be quite upset about the situation and the SW is a bit of a comfort. How can I manage this?

Well, he's married as well and it doesn't stop him obsessing about her... to be fair ge might not even have been aware himself but he should be now that you brought it up.

Was that it?

Talk about dismissing your concerns. That makes this inappropriate bonding even more troubling.

What do you mean “you cried at him”?

What’s ambiguous? She confronted him and cried.

You dont trust 50% of the population and you dont care much about the kids you teach. You sound lovely.

I thought it sounded like she was begging him to hear her- the “cried at him” instead of just getting emotional while talking. The question was if she felt he wasn’t hearing her and felt the need to plead. I don’t know, we weren’t there so I asked for clarification.

She didn’t say she didn’t care about the children in her care 🙄 in fact she explicitly said she did. She was pointing out that it’s not normal for a professional adult in a position of trust to be so emotionally incontinent that they end up trauma bonded to tangential colleagues.

And any woman who trusts men as a class must be a bit dim.

I used to work in schools. Everyone is shagging everyone else in my experience. I think you are right to be concerned and him saying she’s married doesn’t mean he doesn’t fancy her! He’s giving himself away with that comment. It’s not like he said ‘of course I don’t fancy her’.

I said “we need to talk about this social worker” or something along those lines. Then burst into tears and said something about clearly fancying her because he didn’t shut up about her. He said he was sorry but he’s just impressed with her stamina and how good she is with kids, but I didn’t need to worry because she was married with kids. Sorry, I should have added all of that in the last message

What does your gut say ?
Something clearly feels off ,don't alert him to your instincts keep a close eye on it .
Wouldn't be at all surprised if your instincts are valid .

So he said that the only reason you dont have to worry is that she isnt available, which implies that if she was single you may well have something to worry about. I cant say that I would feel particularly reassured by what he said.

I think you need to calm down and talk again.

Married women cheat too.

but I didn’t need to worry because she was married with kids.
That doesn't mean that you needn't worry or that SW is married with kids. Men who cheat lie.

So the reason he’s not shagging her is because she’s married?

And you find that reassuring?

That's not a good enough answer OP. What is he thinking?|

Trust your gut, I wish I had

Ooooffffff - you’ve nothing to worry about because she’s married with kids 🚩

I’d be MORTIFIED and heart broken if my OH said that to me when I was crying over the fear of him fancying someone else.

Lol.

From a slightly different perspective, it it that your husband needs to process things happening with this pupil but is so aware of confidentiality that they are focussing on other professional input as this feels ‘safe’ to discuss.

Sorry I don’t think I read the full thread before posting this.

He’s also said he’s working with at least 4 other social workers from that team but has never mentioned them until tonight. Obviously not a social worker liking he has. Just this one

He said you don't need to worry because she's married with kids? WTF?

He didn't say, you don't need to worry because I'M married, to you, and I love you?

He's a dick.

You shouldn’t worry because she’s married with kids? What the hell?
He should be saying that you shouldn’t worry because he would never, ever do anything to hurt you and he’s horrified that you think he has a crush on another woman because you come first and always have and always will.
What if she wasn’t married with kids? And (shock horror) do married women with kids never have affairs or flirt with other men?
Total abdication of responsibility for his fidelity and his crush onto her . It’s like saying “so what if I do have a crush on her? You’re safe because she’s very unlikely to do anything about it.” ?
I want to know what he thinks about his own behaviour and feelings about this, she’s irrelevant and her marital status is even more irrelevant than she is in this scenario: this is about him, not her.
“Don’t worry because I can’t do anything even if I wanted to “ really isn’t good enough.
it just isn’t.

Oh Lord I would not be feeling reassured by his response at all. Swerving the fancying issues and stating she’s impressive but oh well she’s not available is a long way from ‘don’t be silly of course I don’t I love you’

Thank you. I mean the OP’s husband is kind of proving why I don’t trust them. He’s hardly put her mind at ease has he? “Don’t worry she’s married with children.” As opposed to “I’m sorry, I’ve been insensitive, you are my wife and of course I think you are incredible, I will do this that and the other to rectify this.” And imagine if teachers and social workers were this heavily invested and emotionally affected by every safeguarding issue. We would all be on diazepam. I’m currently dealing with my own sick child at home because that is my priority as a mother. OP’s husband’s priority should be his family.

That just about says it all OP. Ask him why he mentions her five times an evening and you’ve never heard of the other ones.
Tell him his response is wholly inadequate, if she was unmarried with no children what would he say then, and you want a proper answer which involves why he has singled her out, why he thinks this is ok and why the hell he never shuts up about her. He really can’t see it, can he?
This is very unprofessional , disrespectful to you and very hurtful.