Mentionitis? Should I be worried.

[overthinkingmum1]

DH is a headteacher, and, therefore a DSL. I have no idea about the context but since September a child/family in the school have got a social worker, something quite serious I assume as he is attending a lot of meetings about it.

DH talks endlessly about this SW. How hard she works, the hours she’s doing, she was poorly, she was in again today etc etc. Something feels uncomfortable and I don’t want to hear about her again! At the same time, I could be being really unkind, without knowing what’s going on, he could be quite upset about the situation and the SW is a bit of a comfort. How can I manage this?

I’m afraid the ship of not wanting him to have a crush has sailed, he clearly has a thumping great one. Hopefully it will subside when her business at the school does.

I asked that too. No end date in sight. He won’t go into any detail about the circumstances for the child/children but she’s a long term social worker and he made it sound like it was in court. I don’t know how to say it seriously, because I could be imagining it.

alternatively something devastating may have happened with a child and he is watching it unfold in front of him with SW and this is his way of talking about in and decompressing.

if she is pinging off 7am emails about this then probably a lot is going on and it might be intensely stressful and sad behind the scenes

He won't be allowed to discuss the circumstances.

In your shoes, I would level with him. If you've noticed his infatuation with this woman, he can bet his life that any other professionals involved in the case (and there will be others) will have also noticed.

He's not only putting his marriage on the line, he's putting his professional reputation on the line. Yes, people start affairs at work, but starting an affair via a safeguarding situation is pretty reprehensible. As a headteacher, his priority should be the safety and welfare of the children in his care, not a crush on the social worker.

He needs a metaphorical cold bucket of water to wake him up- other people will have noticed, and it's awfully seedy.

Like trauma bonding? This is why it felt unkind to mention it, it could be really bad.

Yes, I’m guessing he hasn’t had mentionitis in the past about Keith the social worker in his 50s!

So... the thing that almost always comes along with mentionitis is concernitis - and it sounds like your DH has both. With concernitis, DH will be sooo concerned that the poor woman has eg a heavy workload or a difficult job or a rough family life or an awful ex or legal problems or is terribly lonely or is having a hard time as a single parent or is showing signs of exhaustion or has bad health or is starting to drink a bit too much or...... WHATEVER. That is how they justify to themself the extra time and attention they are giving to the woman. They are only trying to help! They would have left her alone but she needed them!

If this is the case, then he should be discussing the circumstances with appropriate colleagues within the safeguarding team. If the SW is facing challenging and unsustainable working conditions because of this case (and I appreciate that social work can be shockingly brutal), then she needs to raise this in an appropriate manner via her line management. OP's marriage shouldn't be a dumping ground for the failures of children's services teams.

'He needs a metaphorical cold bucket of water to wake him up'

I agree. I had to do this once, and it worked. Brought him sharply to his senses, and the sudden appalled self-awareness on his face was something else.

He’s literally never spoken about a social worker in his career until this one 😢 he’s come home and talked about a ‘safeguarding thing’ never an individual social worker. And I’ve had months of this now! Getting worse

I agree with this.

Ask him if he would be as concerned and talk so endless about the social worker if she was a 60 year old unattractive man instead. Then remind him that if you’ve noticed this, so will his colleagues and how he’s probably become a point of ridicule.

That’s not what trauma bonded is OP.

Okay, but something crap they’re both managing that have pushed them together?

I’m a deputy DSL and my understanding is that the headteacher usually is the main one.

You do end up getting a bit trauma bonded to the social workers if there’s, for example, a particularly horrendous Section 47 investigation and you have to sit in multiple strategy meetings and listen to all the details from the police, health etc and then you can’t tell anyone else about it. I’ve got quite friendly with them before and done things like let them observe meetings at school to help with an essay they’re writing or whatever. Not to the point where I’d go on about it at home though.

Could be something, could be nothing.

Ok I just posted and I also did not know what trauma bonded was properly until I googled it 2 minutes ago. I thought it was when a horrible thing happened and brought you closer to someone!

And for obvious reasons they can only talk about it to each other.

Yep sounds like that have got a lot closer of this issue and he has developed a crush or sense of false intimacy over it.

How do you think he would react if you put to him in those terms? "I am worried because you are obviously struggling with this issue, can only talk about it with her and now are showing very obvious signs of emotionally connecting with her. Do you think its entirely professional? Because its showing as unboundaried unprofessional behaviour. What would you do if one of your staff was being like this over an outside agency worker?"

This might be a better way to bring it up.

He mentioned her on 4 separate occasions last night and was distracted. I ended up going to bed and leaving him to his thoughts!

He’s all about appearances and looking good, he would never start an affair and leave me for her or anything. But it’s almost worse knowing he’s thinking about her all of the time!

That is a little more reassuring - thank you

Are you saying she's unattractive?
I think he fancies her.

No, I think OP means appearing to have a good character to others, being considered honest, kind etc

Yeah it's the 'halo effect', I think... where something is seen as more amazing when it's done by an attractive person we fancy.

Most SW's are hardworking decent people with a strong sense of justice and work long hours, nothing new there..what's new is he fancies her.

When you say he doesn't mention his staff in the same way, that's because he's their senior. With the SW he's working along side someone he perceives as an equal if not more senior than him in some ways and therefore the context is different. Additionally, whatever they are working on means close contact on potentially intimate topics. It's an emotional bond OP, if nothing else and I think you'd be wise to mention to him that you sincerely understand how difficult this situation is and you're glad he is working with someone who he respects well enough to talk so highly of however.. the frequency of discussions is concerning you. If he wants to discuss the situation with you, albeit without detail that's fine, but the frequency of mentioning the SW is disconcerting for you. You are allowed to be honest and truthful about your feelings on this too, without it becoming an accusation. Traumatic events at work are par for the course in lots of jobs, and it's important people realise the impact that has on home life too and those people around you.

Midwife and I'd say the same. It doesnt happen every time that youre in a multidisciplinary team but I think as our jobs are somewhat related, we find attractive traits in the allied professions.

I find that SWs often think they've missed their calling as a midwife! I wouldnt be surprised if some go home and tell their OH they want to change professions.

Whilst I think it’s normal to bond with other professionals temporarily when working on something difficult or traumatic, I’m not sure it’s normal to be constantly going on about an individual to the point of worrying your spouse.

I think you should tell him how it is making you feel personally and not in a jokey way. It may not change anything but at least you will have expressed yourself.

I would struggle to not mention it. I’d end up saying like bloody hell give it a rest or something quite light.

But I’m wondering whether I would try and sit on it to let him talk more and dig himself deeper.

However, if you know that he’d never cheat and you’re not worried in that sense but it’s just making you feel self conscious, then just be honest and say he’s talking about her a lot and it’s making you jealous and so can he please stop.

FWIW I talk about my male boss all of the time (I didn’t realise before this thread). I think he’s absolutely amazing. We too work in a very stressful environment and he just handles everything and the team so well. I will talk about him very often and say how wonderful he is and if he ever leaves then I would too etc.
There is absolutely no attraction there and I don’t think anyone would think I was attracted to him but it is interesting as I think you can admire someone without fancying them.

What career do you have OP?

I do think there is something about someone doing a difficult job that makes you admire them.
I always feel something when I hear someone’s a criminal lawyer or neurosurgeon or something because I think how amazing they are. And it’s not a financial thing because I read a story about a foster carer who took on challenging teens and felt the same.