Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

Personally, I don't think a lie about age is a hugely relevant lie. I don't put it in the same category as being married, having a criminal record, lying about their job or income.

I know most on MN would disagree.

Obviously people lie because they feel insecure and think they won't get enough matches if they say they are older.

I'd do 2 things -

1 Tell him you know how old he is. Companies House will be right as it's a legal requirement to be honest.

2 Ask yourself if the age difference of 18 years is important long term.

Also ask yourself if he'd said he was 54 right from the start if you'd have met him.

Some people are really funny about their age, especially if you’re old enough to be his child… going out with someone who is 18 years older than me would be ok, but if I was 54 I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is 36, two different generations

We've all been naive and believed or excused liars when we shouldn't have done. It's not a personal failing to be naive - it's his failing. Don't waste your precious time on someone who will lie to you.

Personally this would be a reason for me to bow out. Firstly, he lied. Not by omission but to your face, as many others have pointed out. Secondly, honestly, because 18 years would be too big an age gap for me. Just imagine, when you are his age, he will be 72. It might be a choice for some but I don't see my future as someone's nurse. I wonder if he would consider dating a 72 yo right now? To me there would be no future in this relationship.
As for the excuse of wanting more children, is he thinking of himself again or putting the children first there? For a woman it would be out of the question anyway and she would have to come to terms with it. For his child (assuming he has one RIGHT NOW), he would be well into his 70s before they are even an adult. What else will he lie about if it is important enough to him?

I'd drop him immediately for the lie not the age.

There is no good interpretation that can be put on the lie in terms of a future relationship.

IMHO the lying and the age difference are both serious issues. The lying speaks for itself - dishonesty has no place in a relationship no matter at what stage it manifests itself.

As to the age difference, it might not feel a big deal right now, given that as a presumably healthy 54 year old he will likely still be quite fit and able. What about in ten years though, or twenty? Your setting yourself up to be a carer, restricted in what you can do to enjoy life because of his ever increasing limitations. As to him wanting (more) kids, is he deranged? By the time they start secondary he'll be touching 70. You would effectively be a single parent with the added burden of a geriatric to care for.

Yeah agreed although actually I made it clear I was more kids averse than he is on the second date so he wouldn’t have needed to go down that route!

oh and of course I don’t doubt it’s also a sexual attraction thing but actually compared to other guys I’ve dated he’s not been pushy or seedy in terms of sex. Maybe he is too tired for it 😂😂

I'd check someone out before a first date.
Nothing wrong in that at all.

You're meeting someone unknown based on an online profile.

Surely you want to be safe and know something about them?

There are so many terrifying news stories every day, and those are just the few that make the news, of violence towards women.

If I was ever to OLD I would be so far deep into Google, I'd know his GCSE results before I ever set foot in a coffee shop to meet a man.

Lying about his age is a massive red flag and I would walk away right now.

He has though - he's fully lied to your face about his age to make you fancy him!

MN is obsessed with age and lying about it.

When you get to my age you realise it's not the HUGE lie people want to believe and it doesn't mean they lie about everything.

They do it to open up the pool of people they can meet.

In real life you'd not know someone's age usually when you meet them.

That would be a hard no from me . I think I would also tell him face to face , that I liked him , and find him a great person but his continued lying about his age and the not being upfront about it is showing you be is not the person you thought he was .

The age wouldn't bother me but the ease with which he lied, even after questioning, definitely would!

I was in a similar situation several years ago. I met an older man who misled me about his age, making me think he was eight years younger than he actually was. He looked great and could have knocked a few more years off without making me suspicious.

He did admit the truth after a while, but it turned out there were many more lies where that one came from. For example, he was actually unemployed, but talked as though he still had a job. Later after we split up, I noticed that he'd put his house up for sale (it was on a main road near me) and when I bumped into him, I asked where he was moving to. He denied that it was for sale (it later sold). I'm sure there were other lies too. With hindsight, I should have run away at the first lie.

Oh and his age did eventually catch up with him, just in a less common way. He didn't have many wrinkles, but his face got redder and redder, his eyes looked sunken and his black hair looked very much as though he'd dyed it.

Maybe he only has a certain amount of blue pills maybe keeping them for special occasions!

Many of them struggle sexually at that age (look up stats if you doubt that), so they want a younger woman because they think that will help. Sad but true.

It is more of an ego thing rather than a sexual attraction thing he wants a "young girlfriend " to stroke his ego.

I think you’re being naive thinking manipulative men pick weak women- they don’t.

he is looking for a trophy to show off, so you being intelligent and successful is a bonus for him. These men are so arrogant anyway, he’ll think he’s too clever to get caught.

and it’s very difficult for anyone to detect lying - while you’ll be good at picking out discrepancies, spotting lying in a close romantic relationship is completely different. As you’ve said, you’ve been really excited about this - that completely skews your perception.

I would normally say dump him. But this happened to my friend. Pretty much same age gap. She was 23, he was 40 but said he was 35. They have now been married 20 years with 2 kids and he has been the perfect husband to her.

Wow that’s crazy.

I would only ever think to look into someone more if I thought they were lying.

Meeting someone on OLD is no different to meeting them at a bar or gym etc. You wouldn’t know anything about them either.

I also don’t trust men purely because they have not been convicted of a crime - it doesn’t make them any less capable of committing one.

This is why I barely have an online presence and anything I do have is private.

I would feel really uncomfortable if a man I barely knew, knew lots of things about me that I hadn’t told him - in fact I think I would run for the hills.

After only 2 months, I would still be enjoying the dating side of things and getting to know them to see if we’re compatible.

Obviously it was good that OP trusted her gut and will now dump him but I personally am not going to be googling anyone anytime soon still.

My previous partner did this, and I found out in exactly the same way - Companies House. But not until I was head over heels in love with him. I didn't say anything. It didn't really matter, right?

Later on in our relationship, I found out that he had stayed on the OLD apps. He just said it was an oversight, and he logged in when he was bored. I could check his messages if I liked. I did - nothing there.

It ended when we went away for the weekend on my birthday, and he was working away the week before so travelled to the destination separately from me. His phone was on the table in a cafe, next to the menu we were both looking at, and I saw a load of messages flash up. A woman called Rebecca. She'd been that swimming that morning and got nice and wet. Not as wet as she was on Friday night though. Though she expected he'd be as hard, if he saw her in her swimsuit.

Bless his beautiful heart, he picked up the menu and tried to discretely cover it up.

I walked out of the cafe, drove down the A1 and never spoke to him again.

The lies won't stop. Runnnnnnnnn.

well the lying about his age would have just been a catch all to widen the pool, not directed at me. I was more making the point that if his motivation for pursuing a relationship with a huge age gap was to feel superior and able to easily manipulate I wouldn’t have been the obvious choice. I get that for some of them it actually more of a draw or challenge and reflects well on them. I am well versed in narcissists because exH was one. I don’t get that impression with this guy but equally I am very disappointed that yet again I can’t just be fully relaxed or excited about it.

Obviously it was good that OP trusted her gut and will now dump him but I personally am not going to be googling anyone anytime soon still.

You can of course, make your own choice here but you called OP a "red flag" for doing it and thats simply not true as others have explained why.

Throw him back. My ex lied about his age, told me he was older than he was. I didn't Throw him back.

It was just one in a long list of lies over the years, I'm not sure he knew what the truth was.

I agree with @Quiltedconcrete you are a Trophy he has hit the jackpot in his eyes, young, successful interested in him so he thinks I still "have it"