Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

Which is probably why you even considered a creep like this, unfortunately

@Crumpet444

Reading your reply about his response and your family, the lyrics of an old Stealers Wheel song popped into my head "Clowns to left of me, jokers to the right, stuck in the middle with you". Except you're NOT stuck, are you? You're in control of both situations.

That man's 'word salad' reply really made me laugh. Talk about an attempt an obfuscation! If you decide to respond, as a barrister with a solid knowledge of 'legalese', I'm sure you can come up with an equally baffling reply.

As far as your family, less is more. I know it's hard to 'shut up' when in conversation with people we should be able to confide in, but in their case 'grey rock' is the way to go.

Haha sadly it's the opposite. I am far too direct. Probably why I am so scary and confrontational 😂

As said family member also told me, it wasn't a lie, it was 'obfuscation of the truth', which was quite good actually and I may borrow it for some closing submissions at some point 😂

'The truth was obscured, your honour'...

'The truth was obscured', I think I can find uses for that one lol.

And on that subject, I once had a manager whose lies about his life were legend. If his child won an award it became the Oscar. If he caught them before a fall it became a daring rescue. If they went to Disney they ended up as 'special guests' and were given the Keys to the Kingdom (literally). One of our coworkers used to say tongue in cheek "He doesn't lie, he just exaggerates the truth".

Let's take his response apart shall we, Universal Bullshit Translator style

As to the question- it’s obviously very fair - and not sure I have an exact answer other than it would have been forthcoming obviously at some point soon.

Translation: I was planning on telling you this vital piece of information about myself at a time when it would have been to my advantage

Typically I would have thought 3-4 dates which I think is when people generally feel they are sure enough footing.

Translation: After 3 or 4 dates (or is that months ?) or as soon as I think I can control your mind and emotions

For those with whom I have done and discussed age they have come forward with various things they had either omitted or indeed stretched the truth on.

Translation: Everybody lies so why not me?

Outdated or augmented photos are a given.

Translation: Photos - schmotos - Age - schmage

In any regard unreserved apology for being dishonest about my age.

Translation: I don't feel I owe you any emotion whatsoever so here is a platitude.

He looked you in the eye and declared himself 48. That’s a straight up lie..

@Thatsalineallright You said on a different thread that you are late 30s. Would you want to date a woman who is almost 60?

What's wrong with women who are 60?

Would you be a bit annoyed if a woman lied about her age and used filters, wasting your time?

Why would I be annoyed if someone lied about their age? As long as they are a good person with a good heart, that's the most important thing.

Im pretty sure shuggles lied about his age and is actually 20 years older 😂

So what happened @Crumpet444 is he officially dumped?

The main thing I would take from his non-apology reply was he didn't know how many dates you have even been on.
That would imply he is dating others at the same time.

I think it's really sad that an honest, intelligent, independent woman with a good career can't find someone similar her own age.

I think it's that you are looking for older and wealthier. What was his minimum age set at on the app? You are asking for trouble. Nice men come in all ages and states of wealth.

Way to twist things to make this OP's fault! The dating pool at all ages is dire. On most apps you can't see the other person's filters, so you clearly have no recent experience of dating.

I don’t have an age filter set on the app. I don’t pay for it, and wouldn’t. There’s not really any need, and as I said earlier in the thread, I don’t swipe myself anyway I essentially just select from whoever likes me.

most men my age are married. I actually don’t mind going a bit older and I don’t mind if they already have kids as I’m not sure I want them myself. So arguably no pressure for me there. If they had been young kids that wouldn’t be ideal.

54 is at the very top of what I would consider. It’s not so much his age, it was the lie. I do prefer men who are more established in their careers as they tend to be more of an intellectual match and are less likely to try and compete with me. You’d be surprised at how many men have an issue with my career.

He’s travelling at the moment so I just said I would talk to him once he’s back - I want to go and get my stuff 😂

he just keeps digging doesn’t he?

he is basically just training his dates to accept his poor behaviour isn’t he?

I find the way he normalises lying really creepy. And I hate it when people just don’t apologise fully.

@Crumpet444 if you don’t want kids, have you considered just staying single and investing in friends? I have to say very few men seem worth the effort

I think you don’t need to be embarassed about rhe fact you want to keep seeing him op;

I never said I want to keep seeing him ☺️ I couldn’t really be bothered to have a big debate about it over text so I just said I’d talk to him when he’s back, we haven’t arranged to meet. I also just wanted a bit of time to be clear in my own head about it because I was also pretty upset by what my family have been saying to me and I wanted to be sure I wasn’t conflating the two issues.

@Quiltedconcrete I would except I don’t want to resign myself to a life of celibacy just yet. I also like nice dates, holidays etc. I haven’t ruled kids out but I’m not desperately trying to find someone to have a baby with. I’ve seen women do this in a panic, and then end up with me in court fighting over child arrangements with abusive losers…

Well first off anyone 25 years older is much more likely to die earlier so not a good long term romantic prospect. Secondly, I would argue anyone who lies to your face is by definition not a good person with a good heart.

36 is extremely young to suggest to someone they just give up on men, dating, love and sex entirely !!!!

I'm 56 and I still live in hope of a silver surfer late in life romance. I can cope with celibate single life - I've had to for the past 9 years.

However, deep down we all want love - to give love and be loved.

36 (or even 56) is very young to abandon all hope of ever being loved again by the right person.

What did you leave at his home after just a handful of dates?

OP, you seem like a genuinely nice person and I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered previously. I'm honestly saying this because I'm concerned: your boundaries really don't seem to be strong enough for online dating right now.

Your family sound like they're actively pushing you towards untrustworthy men and you are apparently ready to give your dates multiple chances despite clear red flags.

OLD might not be a good idea right now. Perhaps meeting people in real life through friends etc would work better?

I’m curious about this, not least because it’s very clear you’ve met this man a maximum of twice, as he says he’d have told you on date 3-4. But you’re spinning it into this big two month relationship where he’s so besotted with you. It seems it’s the opposite, it is you who is very invested in him.

I said very clearly we’d been on five dates over nearly two months, as he travels a lot we’ve not seen each other super frequently.

I don’t know why he said 3-4 dates given it’s been longer than that. you’re assuming I’m the one who’s lying based on his assertion of when he likes to tell people the truth about his actual age? Bizarre.

Why do you.need to talk to him ? You can just get your stuff back,all this need to talk it has been 2 months and 5 dates !

It just seems an odd thing, the fact he doesn’t even know how much he’s seen you or would lie about that too.

What is there to talk about? Genuine question. Just message him to send your stuff back. I can’t imagine leaving things at a man’s house I’d only met 5 times tbf!

It wasn't intentional, its not like I moved in and have a drawer there 😂

If he sends it back he will need my address and would rather not if I don't have to.