Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

But you could meet him somewhere it does sound like you might want to reconnect or talk things through i mean thats fine if that is what you want, but to collect belongings doesn't need a "talk" does it? He lied to you because he thinks young women wouldn't be open to having sex and going on dates with a 54 year old and men like that think they are entitled to young girl friends.

Look OP, the generous view is that he got caught out in a lie that many men do on Dating sites. That he didn’t reply sooner that weekend because he thought ‘Oh shit’ and needed thinking time. That maybe the only lie and also one that you could possibly forgive - but- you said he’s goodlooking and has a good job. So why hasn’t he been snapped up yet? The bottom line is that he’s possibly a player and that he’s too old for what you want. Time for full disclosure I think - what’s he been up to since his divorce and who with? And did his wife really have an affair- would be very interesting to hear her side.

You just forgor stuff you’d want back.

right,

How much stuff can you have left at his house after only 4/5 dates? 😳 You could get him to post it to your work if you didnt want him to know your address.

I agree with PP- why do you need to "talk to him"? what is there is to discuss after he blatantly lied to you and then tried to justify it.

Obviously, this is entirely your choice and your decision but I think you are going to end up back with him and you are going to let this loser talk you into forgiving him.

Op unless the stuff is particularly valuable then forget it.
If we are talking about a toothbrush n knickers forget them.

And don't go leaving stuff at other people's houses so soon into a relationship.

The man (the 54 year old man who the OP was dating) lies. We have evidence that he lies. The OP has evidence that the man lies.

Why is it not any surprise at all that he would lie / obfuscate / shilly shally about in his text response (apology) about his age - and about having lied about his age ????

1. He lied on his dating profile by entering an incorrect made up date of birth.

1. He then lied to the OP on their first date when she questioned his age. Instead of confirming that he was 49 (his pretend age on the dating site) he now compounds that lie by saying he is 48 today - the day of their first date - and it is the dating app which is wrong.

1. He lies to every woman he meets via the dating app - both via his profile and also in person.

1. The clue that he knows he lies about this issue to other women is contained within the word salad of his apology to the OP. Where he says:

"For those with whom I have done and discussed age they have come forward with various things.... "

1. So we know he lies about this matter (his age) to all the women he dates - because he likes to date women under 40 years old .... and he likes to think in his deluded head that he is still younger than 50.

He lied about the number of dates at which he would divulge his real age:

"Typically I would have thought 3 to 4 dates which is when ....... [people feel on] ...... sure enough footing"

1. He knows darned well that he has seen the OP for two months and 5 dates (I'm assuming that phone calls, texts and other communication would have continued during the time not on actual dates due to his "travel" -- therefore despite only 5 specific dates, they had been building up a friendship / dating situation with regular communication for two months).

1. The 54 year old man knows this - he did not forget how many times he had dated the OP. He came up with a pathetic bullshit word salad waffle excuse for not having told the OP earlier. **

** In fact in his own word salad apology he almost admits that it would be typical to come clean about these things after 3 - 4 dates.

He knows he has failed to meet that standard (the "standard" he has suggested is acceptable for liars - divulge your sins / lies by date no.3) because he has been seeing the OP longer than that.

Also within the man's apology is a lot of blaming of women lying. This bit:

"For those with whom I have done and discussed age, they have come forward with various things they had either omitted or indeed stretched the truth on. Outdated or augmented photos are a given......"

To me this comes across as victim blaming / blaming all women as liars with fake photos.

● women lie / all women lie / they've all stretched the truth to me
● they all have out of date or filtered photos
● therefore because all women lie, I also lied and shaved a few years off my age.

It's actually blaming the OP for the sins of other women in order to diminish and obfuscate the scale of his own lie.

●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●

However, I would go even further than that. My spidey hunches tell me there could be other things the man has lied about. Now I'm just guessing here (based on my own experiences of online dating).

1. He has told the OP he has one broken marriage (divorce) and teenage children. He is 54 years old - this means he married mid 30s and started having kids (his teenage) children later in life - age 36 to 40.

1. Possible lie (omission of extra facts). It is entirely possible that he had another marriage or "significant relationship" before his marriage. It is chronologically biologically possible thar he had an earlier marriage or relationship in his mid 20s and he may have much older grown up children in their 30s. He may even have grandchildren already.

1. Travel / unavailability for regular dates. This could all be genuine business travel. But, again, my spidey senses tell me it could just be excuses and lies to give him time to date *other women* - during the dates he was allegedly travelling and unavailable for dates with the OP.

^ I could be wrong with my theories outlined at 1, 2 and 3 above but am basing these hunches on my own experiences of dating a "player" 12 years ago. The player was always travelling (actually seeing other women) ..... and once you know a man has lied about one thing, I would get my detective specs on and try to work out what else he has lied about.

@RavenFinch have you considered being a "dating guru" as an antidote to all the BS that is out there. It looks like you have the buggers sussed 😀

Crumpet, you’re getting some weird responses here you’re having to defend yourself against. I just wanted to say you’re dealing with this in a measured, intelligent and sensible way - please don’t doubt your response against stranger’s criticism, some who don’t seem capable of reading properly, or your family. You’ve got this all right as far as I can see. The lie might be insurmountable or you might decide it’s something you’re willing to get over for the benefits. Relationships generally have pros and cons. But it’s your choice and yours alone. You’re intelligent. You’ll make the right choice for you. Trust in yourself 🤗

Thank you, and yes some random nit picking this afternoon all because I said I told him I would talk to him once he’s back, and confessed to ideally wanting some stuff back I accidentally left at his, which I have also been reprimanded for 😂

I needed some time to just have some space from it, and I have had a lot on work wise. I never said I wanted to carry on seeing him, and indeed haven’t said that to him either.

MN is a weird place sometimes.

I've sadly learned the hard way - dating all the wrong geezers in my 30s and 40s.

● dated 2 x married men against my wishes who did not disclose their married status (one date was a one date wonder I worked out he was married immediately afterwards, the other one I dated for six weeks before finding out the truth from one of his other mistresses)

● dated a player who wanted to "travel" (shag as many women as possible in between dates - and also keep the first woman in constant anticipation waiting for his return and eagerly awaiting to see him / hear from him again)

● a few other charming liars (so many I've forgotten all the details now).

Sadly I went thru many experiences of dating liars and cheats in my 30s and 40s. And I'm still single now in my late 50s.

Because of the various experiences I had with online dating 10 - 20 years ago, I'm now quite sharp to their (mens) wily ways.

But even I haven't (quite) given up hope of meeting a nice man late in life. It's a bit sad and tragic that there are so many lying cheating, deceitful liars on dating apps.

I'm not on a dating app at the moment, but it is something I would consider doing again.

If ......... if I do ever go back to OLD I would follow the "Burned Haystack Dating Method". The BHDM has already been referred to a few times within this thread.

The author of BHDM is Jennie Young - you can find her on Instagram, Substack snd other places (and the "Burned Haystack Dating Method" group on Facebook).

Tbf people were just wondering what you had to talk about it does read like you are stringing it out. I honestly don't think it is "nit picking " more wondering.

Or I was at court at the time and couldn’t be bothered to reply properly or start engaging with his non-apology so I just simply said I couldn’t talk about it right now and speak when he’s back, but tbh that will be probably it because I don’t think he will message again, and I’m not pushing for anything and haven’t asked to meet. It’s not really worth engaging and gave me some time to figure out if I wanted to meet to get my things or just cut my losses.

it’s not some great mystery 😂

But you don't need to reply properly or start engaging, that's the whole point. You're making this into a long drawn out thing when it really doesn't need to be. You've only been on 5 dates!

But you do you, obviously. I'll stop replying on this thread, I doubt anything anyone says will change your mind. Though that does make me wonder why you bothered posting in the first place.

Ah well, tis the season to be jolly! Hope 2026 goes well for you, OP.

You don't have to reply to him though you don't need a conversation with him wanting and needing is different, as a pp says you do you,

Omg just because I sent a text essentially buying me time to get my thoughts straight and consider whether I want to get my stuff back doesn’t mean I am going to!

MN gets so crazy sometimes when you don’t do things exactly the way other people want.

I'd want my stuff back, too. I don't ink it's unreasonable to take some time, either.

I know! I don’t post much here but that’s why I felt the need to add my piece. Just so you know some of us hears and gets you! You clearly have a sensible head on your shoulders and it can make the right decisions for you, whatever those decisions are…

Who said anything about celibacy? You can have plenty of sex without having one life partner. 😊

I was only half joking about staying single, but there is something to be said for women not centering a relationship with a man in their lives. ( I know this isn’t what you’re doing)

I get the sex part, but everything else is possible with a wide social circle and great friendships. ( I’d also recommend raising a family by yourself over the 90% of crap men out there) So many women I know in long standing marriages are desperate to go on holiday without their husbands.

dont get me wrong - I get it. I divorced at 40 and it took me 8 years to meet my partner. I met him when I’d given up on the dating apps and just got into my hobbies to meet new friends …and that’s where I met him.

Maybe take a break from dating apps and use the time to socialise in mixed groups? In my many, many years of dating, I’ve had 2-3 really good relationships and all of these were guys I met through activities we both enjoyed.

just a thought. I’m not criticising your approach, but I know that for educated, accomplished, emotionally intelligent young women, it really is slim pickings.

that’s all about the low bar society has for men and their behaviour.

Perfectly reasonable to want stuff back if she can get it back easily.

What if it was a favourite pair of 10 year old handmade Italian boots?

My buddy had a final night out with a guy when she forgot hers, even though she was so done.
We all agreed she needed to get the boots.

He can send it to pickup box. I hope you get it back.

Ah, what a disappointment.

I feel for you, it’s hard to find someone who seems like a good match and then to be side swiped must be horrible and so disappointing.

Then for him not to acknowledge your text or have a response or apology just doubles down on the crap-ness.

It’s all very well people telling you what’s what and critiquing how you handled it but it’s not them feeling the disappointment - you did great but alongside that are left with the feelings that things didn’t turn out or weren’t as you’d hoped which is hard for a short time.

I had a relationship (in hindsight maybe I should not call it a 'relationship', maybe a fling is a better description but I suppose I had imagined a future with him) with somebody eighteen years older when I was in my early thirties.

I also liked older men and again in hindsight I think I was quite impressed by men being more 'together'/settled into adulthood than I care to admit).
I was annoyed by the time we finished whatever it was we had. I remember feeling that I needed to retrieve whatever I had left at his house. I thought I really wanted them back. Perhaps I saw retrieving these belongings as some sort of control or closure or even that I just wanted to go back one more time as things finished quite abruptly in the end and I wasn't ready.
Its twenty years later and looking back these things were not important at all. In fact I wish I hadn't appeared so weak/blatantly obvious that I wanted to see him one last time.
You mght feel the same way in the future. My advice is just block him. Write off your personal belongings. They aren't irreplaceable even though you might have convinced yourself right now that they are......
Hold your head high and forget about them and him.

I think it’s because we have been there ourselves. Being sucked back in because we met ‘to chat’ or whatever. No one is judging. We just speak from bitter experience (very bitter!). But obviously OP is welcome to make her own mistakes (sometimes we need to) and potentially she will be the one advising others in a couple of years time.

@Thatsalineallright Well first off anyone 25 years older is much more likely to die earlier so not a good long term romantic prospect.

Contrary to popular belief, there are a lot of people who are a lot younger than 60 who become unwell and pass away too. It's a misconception that younger people are somehow invincible.

Secondly, I would argue anyone who lies to your face is by definition not a good person with a good heart.

As I already explained, that depends on the reason for lying. If they lied simply because they were being treated unreasonably on a dating app because of their age, then I would seriously struggle to see how that makes a woman a bad person.