Lied about his age - sackable offence?

[Crumpet444]

Been seeing a guy for nearly 2 months. Met online, his age was 48 on his profile. I am 36, I generally have no issue with guys being a bit older, in fact have always dated men older than me.

First date was actually on his birthday which I didn’t realise until the day itself, he said he was 48 ON his birthday but the app changed to 49. I asked him about it and he said no, he was 48, so I assumed it was an error on the app. One year, no biggie.

However, I did a google search the other day out of curiosity, given I am getting a bit more invested and wanted to just check everything checks out, everything going well and I really like him - Seems mutual and we both want something serious. He is listed as a director for something on companies house, birth year 1971 which makes him 54!! Definitely him as the company tallies up with what he told me, his name isn’t common and month was correct.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off about this?! I get shaving a few years off for the app, but fess up straight away surely, especially when I asked him directly about it and he lied. I get it may be an insecurity thing but it’s not so much the age that’s an issue but the lying. It also means there is far more of a substantial age gap between us than I realised. FWIW he looks very good for his age!

I guess I’ll have to be the on to bring it up won’t I? And confess I was googling 😂 or is it likely companies house is wrong?!

You are not insane.

I hate the view that some people have that you have to “earn” the truth.

He did “only” knock off a few years, but if it was no big deal, why lie about it? And why be so arrogant when confronted about it?

Good you’ve seen him for what he is now, no doubt there would have been more lies over time and you’d have spent your time second guessing himself and potentially gaslighting yourself.

Yep, funnily enough confronting the truth is frowned upon in my family. The issue is not the lie the issue is how I handled it and my ‘scariness’ for doing so.
I was literally ex-communicated for a year for raising a very uncomfortable truth about a really long standing toxic family dynamic that hugely adversely impacted me. That’s another story, but their take on this has been interesting in that context.

It’s your family who are insane. They’ve come up with a lot of strange stuff on this thread.

Agreed. I don’t think I’ll be talking to them about this stuff in future.

I’m 54, when I was in my 30s I wouldn’t have dated (hypothetically as I am married) someone my current age. I do know women who had big age gaps but utd never be for me.

Your whole family wouldn't seem to have a lot of self esteem if this is how desperate they expect you to be to get a relationship and keep it?

Ah, that explains it. Welcome to my world. Blamed all my life for "causing upset" in the family - otherwise known as calling out truly toxic behaviour in family members. Fun isn't it?

I‘M actually surprised your parents would want you to date a man who is presumably much closer to your age than theirs.

Haha indeed. My personal favourite was when they sent a Christmas card to my abusive ex husband after I had managed to escape him because ‘he had been part of the family’.

funnily enough I did not get one when I was in exile last year 😂

it explains why I have been doubting myself so much over this I think.

OP- if you know they do this kind of thing, why are you telling them about your dating life and letting them give you "advice"?

If it were me, they wouldnt be getting a single bloody detail out of me about my dating life.

I know, and I won’t in future but you kind of just slip into it as you should be able to in most families.

Sounds familiar!

The last time I saw her, my mother had a photo on her sideboard of my brothers ex, who she knew was still in love with her, marrying her third husband. My brother was her first husband, there was another in the middle. "She's the mother of my grandchildren" was the excuse. She also had my other brother's wedding photo. And not mine. And she proudly told me that she'd been told before I got there that it would upset me (the ex's wedding photo more than the absence of mine) but she didn't see why she should hide it.

Which is only a tiny part of the reason why that was the last time I saw or spoke to her.

It sounds like our families have an awful lot in common, you have my sympathy.

Thanks, though, for a really entertaining thread! I'm selfishly hoping there might be more instalments 🤣

I get it- this is definitely the right decision going forward

Well she sounds like a delight!

unless I meet up with him for the plot I don’t think there will be 😂

Awwwwwww.... what if we all nicely 😆?

Seriously though, good luck with getting a better one next time!

Oh I mean he did text again saying he ‘understood I was upset iro dishonesty about age’ and makes no excuse for it, except he did try to excuse it and ‘dishonesty in respect of age’ is a very sanitised way of saying ‘I’m sorry I lied about how old I was’

like when people say ‘apologies’ instead of ‘I’m sorry’ 🙄 not really an apology is it.

thats it though 😅

He absolutely tried to scam you you don't have to be greatful that a 54 year old man finds you attractive and possibly "a catch" and had to lie to get the women he wanted.

Oh OP, your family sound batshit.
A complete information diet going forward.
Absolutely no personal information.
If you do they feel entitled to comment.

I really hope you get to call over to see him, to collect your things, if safe to do so.

I think you need to block him now. He will try and crawl back under your boundaries (without apologising or even acknowledging what he did was wrong). It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and are probably a little more susceptible to bad behaviour than you care to admit. Understandable but you deserve a good man and this man does not care about you at all.

Whatever about him -he's just another creep, but your family's attitude sounds really fucked up.

This man really does not deserve a response. Leave him hanging.

You sound like a lovely bright egg, you can do so much better.

Op your family sound like they have messed with your head.
Keep them out of your love life, until you are sure you have a future together.

I'm glad you've finally come to that conclusion 😂

@Crumpet444 I have been lurking and just want to add to the comments saying you should not bother to contact him/see him again. I'm sadly experienced now in dating woes over the last couple of years and I will say that I have posted under many different user names about various little bits and pieces of different men/red flags etc and the mumsnet consensus has always been right! Ofc I get pulled back in by the men when you see them in person and you feel like they have so much potential etc. So I do not think you should bother communicating again or trying to get your stuff back - you'll get tempted back into him in person... But there's a lot to be said about the wisdom of the women on here and they so far have proved themselves to be right in every situation I've posted about! Whether it's been slightly misogynistic comments from a guy or commitment issues showing up.. I would have wasted a lot less of my last few years dating the wrong men if I'd listened to the women on here! (The majority, I mean, there's always a few random ones saying "give him another chance" and sadly I often listened to those ones instead of the majority!!)

One thing I have learned is also to remember to mourn what you have actually lost and not the potential. You feel like all the good things (which you think you know about him, but remember you might not have all the truth) are so good that you build him up into "maybe I should give him another chance" etc.. but that's not the reality of what you're walking away from.

What you have ACTUALLY lost is the unescapable facts of a man who, at 54, decided to try to date a 36 year old woman AND lie about his age to make himself 48. (And I wonder what his age range was... how low did he look? 30? ick!). And he slept with you without telling you and let you start thinking of a future etc. These are facts and he is showing you who he is here - he did not think you deserved the right to make your own judgement on age/boundaries etc but felt like he could make the decision for you. THEN he did not reply for (a day or two I think it was?). Regardless of what the issue was that you were messaging about, he is showing you he doesn't care about the level of communication etc you want. FINALLY he's given a pisspoor "apology" which he has basically caveated as "but others do the same so it's ok" that is NOT taking accountability.

It's only been a couple of months, all the good things you know about him might be fake/you cannot prove. Sadly these bad things are facts and he has demonstrated very early on screaming red flags. Don't waste any more time. I can assure you that there is a HUGE drop in the decent men when you're a woman on a dating app at 36 (I still saw loads) to 38 (much less) and now I'm 39 and it's really unimpressive ha.. I wish I hadn't wasted the years of 36/37 on the wrong men... don't do the same.

Wise post