Is a man being bisexual a turn off?

[Username3021]

As a man I think im bisexual but when it comes to dating and being in relationships I only see myself with women, I also want a family someday also. Apparently lots of women are turned off by bisexual men where as a lot of men dont mind bisexual women, I also dont like the idea of hiding it from my future partner because I think your partner should know everything.

Would my sexuality be a problem?

If you are sexually attracted to the same gender - you are gay. But you seem to need to make a point that you are not romantically attracted to men, and thus not gay....

So - I think many straight women would hear you say this and think that you are not yet able to accept to yourself that you are, in fact, gay. And that is why you won't be an ideal partner for many women.

You probably would be better off with someone who is bi.

I think it might be that if you are bi, you know that it's a load of nonsense that one person won't be enough to satisfy a bisexual partner and equally nonsensical (and weirdly akin to manosphere purity bullshit) that having sex with a man leaves you somehow permanently changed and dirty and defiled.

But even with a straight man, you're likely to find that. Lots of straight men are happy to have one night stands or flings with women they don't see any prospect of romance or a future with. I think for most men, sexual attraction and romantic attraction are two separate things, whereas for women, they're more intertwined. (Obviously I'm generalising here, and there are plenty of people of both sexes who break the stereotype)

I think the reason for that comes down to vulnerability

I'll try and explain. I'm like the OP, in that I'm a bisexual man, but not really romantically attracted to men, only sexually.

For me, sex is the easy bit. It's fun, it's messy, its telling your body to do things to do someone else and generally its easy to work out what they like. For me, sex in the early days of a relationship is much the same whether it's with a man or a woman. Not the actions obviously, but the feelings involved.

Romance on the other hand is different. Romance involves being vulnerable with someone. It's intimate in a way sex isn't. It means letting someone else know your thoughts, feelings, fears. It means trusting someone else not to hurt you.

I'll happily roll around in bed with another man, but I can't imagine curling up in a mans lap sobbing my eyes out because my Mums died.

Women are vulnerable during sex in a way men just aren't. Yes, I could be hurt by another man during sex, but I'm 6ft 3 and built like a rugby player. If they hurt me, I can turn around and hurt them right back. So there's no risk, no vulnerability.

And I think thats why a lot of bi men are happy to have sex with other men, but want a relationship with a women. It's not because they want kids, or a heteronormative lifestyle. It's because they can't imagine themselves being intimate with a man.

I hear what you are saying but the truth is I am not attracted to the "one night stand" kind of guy. I have never met a partner that way, and never developed a sexual relationship before a romantic one, and the sorts of men I would click with have been similar. As you say, it takes all types to make a world.

It was massively biphobic though.

Not being attracted to bisexual people - that’s fine.

Accusing bisexual people of just being gay people who want a family, implying that they must be more likely to cheat, suggesting that they probably have STDs - that’s biphobic.

Bisexuality is one of those issues on which the prevailing opinion on Mumsnet is way out of step with the prevailing opinion among women in general. I think there are plenty of women who might not be attracted to a bisexual man, and that’s fine, but I don’t think it’s at all standard to spout the sort of bile I see on here every time bisexual men are mentioned. It’s fucking bizarre.

You don’t seem to understand what ‘gay’ means. Gay means homosexual, ie, someone is ONLY sexually attracted to the same gender.

If someone is sexually attracted to people of the same gender AND people of the opposite gender, they cannot be homosexual. They are bisexual.

How are you using gender? As a euphemism for sex or as something people identify as?

Because that’s a whole other can of worms.

”Bisexuality is one of those issues on which the prevailing opinion on Mumsnet is way out of step with the prevailing opinion among women in general.”

It really, really isn’t.

How bisexuality is defined is a matter of opinion and discussion.
For me the issue is that OP seems to make a point of not being "gay" because it's only sexual attraction, not romantic.

So - if he were actually into having sexual and romantic relationships with men - by his OWN definition he'd be gay. And there is where I see an issue.
And so will many straight women.

Personally for me it's a turnoff if a man is attracted to men. Why? Not sure, but it's not something I can change. I am also not attracted to a whole list of things - prefer a man to be taller than me, for eg. Attraction is a personal thing and is often subconscious.

Generally seen on MN that users wouldn't go anywhere near a bisexual man and make a variety of reasons why it isn't biphobic. You don't like Tories and don't like bisexual men, fine, but don't start pretending it's do with physical attraction.

No, the definition of bisexuality is not a matter of opinion or discussion any more than heterosexuality is or the definition of a tractor or a whale. If someone is attracted -sexually, romantically or both - to both sexes they’re bisexual, not gay. You can say you think they’re gay, but you’re wrong.

So I take it you’re attracted to every single adult on the planet then?

Attraction is not just about physical appearance though...I have found objectively less good looking men far more attractive than objectively better looking men.

This remind me of someone suggesting it's transphobic not to be attracted to transmen as a heterosexual woman.

Attraction is fundamentally on a physical level. Intellectually - bi-sexuality does not make a difference. But on physical level of attraction - it does make a difference for me.

So - let's not accuse women of phobias, when we don't find some men attractive attractive.

I am not fat-phobic when I don't feel attraction to fat men. Or short-men-phobic. Etc. My body just does not react on a primal level when I meet them. I don't "chose" how I feel physical attraction.

Has anyone seen Wicked 2? Elfaba is queer and Faiero is gay and their chemistry was amazing, I felt attracted to the actor and he is gay.. I loved him as Anthony Bridgerton in Bridgerton 2... and the chemistry he had with the actress in Bridgerton was also incredible... I know it's a testament to their good acting skills... but my point is that even in real life, sometimes the chemistry is there despite labels and you can surprise yourself by being attracted to people on paper, or you previously, didn't think you would. I think sexual orientation is fluid and nuanced and in any relationship you could have cheating, open or committed closed relationship. I really think you could find a soulmate in anyone, sometimes pets..but it could be a person who isn't normally your type.

I made a similar point upthread. If we were talking about not employing a bisexual person due to their sexuality or rejecting them as a friend, then that would be biphobic. But not choosing them as a sexual partner when you’re not sexually attracted to non-heterosexual men? I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous.

Sexual attraction is subconscious, it belongs in the realm of the body and the psyche. It is not something one can alter through reason or a desire to be politically correct. It doesn’t work like that. You can’t MAKE yourself fancy a man who has sex with men any more than you can make yourself fancy a ‘post-op’ man who used to be a woman. Being heterosexual does not mean you fancy every type of man or you’re prejudiced.

@Crushed23

I'd even go further. In most other areas of life - study, work, etc - biology or sexuality of the people does not matter. So - absolutely, people are equal, no discrimination.
There are some areas of life where biology (but not sexuality) does play a role - healthcare; sports; safety protection for single sex areas...

And then - there are intimate human relationships, that developed as an evolutionary way for our species to procreate and multiply.
I find that in this area - both biology and sexuality seem to matter. Personally - I am only attracted to biological males (made up of XY chromosomes) that are heterosexual. And at that - only to some rate men within that subgroup.
Other people have their attraction work differently. But none of us chose or are able to change what we find attractive.

But presumably you wouldn’t describe a fat man as gross, horrible, makes you feel sick etc

thats what’s phobic. The reasons, not the lack of attraction.

Gross, unattractive, makes you feel sick can be reasons for not wanting to have sex with a very fat man though. What do you think “unattractive” means in the context of sex and sexual preferences? I find the idea of performing sexual acts on a woman literally disgusting and would never engage in such acts. Tell me, am I homophobic?

I'd probably describe imagining being touched by anyone who I am not sexually attracted to as gross, horrible and making me sick.

This is how attraction vs lack of attraction works.
When I am are attracted to someone - sexual contact is possible and welcome.
When I am are NOT attracted by someone - sexual contact with them is repulsive.

If I were describing a fat man in a non-sexual context - there is nothing gross about him. If he was making sexual advance on me - yes, he becomes gross. As would anyone making unwanted advances.

In general, I probably won't describe most people as gross - except people lacking personal hygiene in an obvious way. I don't know if it makes me smelly-people phobic - but I am sensitive to smell and can't stand BO.

I can see again how people are starting to get confused with this, particularly over the idea of physical attraction.

I think it is ridiculous to pretend that you're only biologically/physically attracted to men of a particular sexual orientation. Like how on earth do you know? You could have two identical profiles on an app, two attractive men but somehow you're only physically attracted to one based off a non-physical feature?

Now on a romantic or personal level/attraction that is different. You wouldn't date a bisexual man because you don't want to be involved with a man who finds men attractive, fine. But stop trying to pretend it's to do with physical attraction.

Theoretically there could be a man I find physically attractive, but then find out that they are actually a trans man. I would lose attraction, because it would be a deal breaker, and there is more to attraction than just physical. But I wouldn't claim that I was never physically attracted to them.

There have been plenty of profiles on the apps where I've found the man physically attractive, but then the interests or profile has put me off.

Weight and height are physical features, sexual orientation isn't.

But would you describe 2 lesbians kissing as gross and makes you feel sick? Or would you say it’s fine, they do what they want, it’s just not what you want?

people upthread describe how the thought of 2 men together makes them feel sick and it’s gross. They have a problem with what that person did when they were not even there. I think that’s a step further than simply not being attracted to someone and to me it’s problematic.

I am not sure which posts you are referring to, but being repulsed by homosexual acts in the context of a potential sexual partner is not “problematic”. No more than being repulsed by someone’s kinks that they practised with previous sexual partners if they don’t align with your kinks/sexual preferences. If I reject a ‘cross-dresser’ (the word for men who get off on dressing as women escapes me) because the thought of men becoming aroused by dressing as women repulses me and does nothing for me sexually, am I a bigot?

I don’t understand why it’s surprising that heterosexual women are not sexually attracted to non-heterosexual men, I really don’t. How is it different from not being sexually attracted to someone in the BDSM community when you’re vanilla?

I think it's ridiculous to state with absolute confidence that you can know how anybody else feels.

Sexual attraction and sexual chemistry work on physical level - but it's not only defined by observable physical features. This is why it's is normally impossible to judge sexual chemistry based on a picture alone. At least for me.
I can always see the physical feature and say - someone is "attractive" theoretically - but I won't know if I am attracted to them until we meet in person, speak and feel the rest of physical, non-physical and intangible aspects of attractiveness.

I have no idea if others feel the same or different.
I am probably quite picky and don't find many people attractive in real life.

Maybe you can get attracted to a transman and then find our the are trans. It does not work this way for me - transmen are biologically female - they look and behave differently. And even if they grow facial hair, etc - they don't look/feel masculine in the way I perceive to masculinity. So - no, I can say for sure that my attractiveness works along biological lines, not along self identification/pronouns.

The same about bi-sexual men. Of course, you can not see it on pictures or on a profile. But in personal interactions, at least in my experience - they are different. It's intangible, and I can't explain.
Is it possible for a bi-man to hide it, and not disclose - I guess, maybe. But no deep relationship will result from not being really open about yourself, and these sort of things do come out.

In general, according to research - in women more areas of brain are involved in sexual arousal than there is in men. Men are mostly primal and visual. Women have other areas also involved, and are less visual.

Exactly. There’s a big difference between thinking someone is objectively physically attractive and being sexually attracted to them, wanting to engage in sexual acts with them etc. I can find anyone objectively beautiful - men, women, gay, straight, trans etc., but I only want to have sex with (some) heterosexual men.

I am pretty sure OP’s question was about sexual attraction, not whether women find him objectively attractive. So the whole ‘physical attraction’ thing is irrelevant to the discussion. The question is, bluntly, “would you have a sexual/romantic relationship with a bisexual man?” and most women wouldn’t.