25 year old SIL. No comparison, no jealousy.

[KKD90]

Hi all,

I’m 35, extremely career driven and this year have started family planning. My husband bought a new car this year and saved long and hard. His brother and his wife are younger than us, they have the most luxury but budget life and it makes no sense on how they afford it. She works as reception manager and he’s just help desk (not knocking jobs) but they both drive a BMW each, have lots of gold jewellery, and the other day, my SIL walked in with an LV bag (something I have wanted for around two years but, priorities). She revealed my brother in-law bought it for her. They also have an 11 month old. They have made comments about me and my husband buying groceries in M&S and how expensive it is?!

I immediately felt pretty shit when I saw her walk in with the bag. Not because she had it, but I work hard and hadn’t been able to buy it. I also sacrifice a lot, we don’t own our own home yet and are also working towards that (we live with my in-laws). This isn’t a comparison, but I feel so shit. My husband earns well, bought his luxury car and his clothes. I don’t own anything like it. It’s just a shitty feeling. My money goes towards saving for a house, handing him £500 towards the car .. that I don’t drive.

It sounds like this comparison is just a distraction from the real issue, which is your husband.
Why does he have luxury things and you don't? You're supposed to be a team and therefore live similar level lifestyles, either you as a couple can afford these things, or you can't, in which case why is he spending on them? Why are you seemingly the only one prioritising the bigger goal of a house?
Why are you expected to pay towards a car that you don't use?

Leave your husband. Live for yourself.

OP you and your husband (and probably a whole load of punjabi/Indian families need to watch this podcast and take note, esp from 23 mins+). If the link is not allowed, search Frugal Freak on you tube - video titled ‘your luxury car and designer handbags are embarrassing’. This guy articulates the system so well and it’s about time more people woke up to it.

I also have experience of this situation and the best decision I made was to get out early as I knew that if a flashy car and his mums opinion was more important than building a foundation then there was never going to be any hope surviving in that household. All they cared about was material things, she even demanded my jewellery and wages off me. Sorry I know this isn’t about me, but the general consensus here is that this man is a waste of space. To be blunt - he doesn’t want to leave, nor settle down with kids; if he did he would’ve prioritised these things over a silly car especially 4 years in, and at your age.

Do yourself the biggest favour to your future self and ask yourself if this is the life you’d want for yourself, or the freedom to buy and do what you want on your own terms with no one controlling you or the purse strings. This man child will never grow up nor will he ever put you or his own family first. It’s the sad state of a cultural upbringing where dramas are used as inspiration, DIL’s are treated as cash cows all in the name of putting on a front for other people and bragging to others.

It’s also not about how your SIL chooses to spend their money or fund their lifestyle choices. Tend your own garden first, before judging others.
anyway I hope you find peace and the answers you are searching for.

I think you should all stop living with your parents.
All the living with parents is making you all into giant jealous babies.
Move out, join the real world and you'll soon work out how idiotic it is to even consider buying a tacky LV bag when you have an 11 month old baby.

Op it sounds like your sister in law has a few things you want. Mainly the baby? Your dh has put a car before a home. Handbags and nice cars don’t compare to being happy. Does he make you happy because you don’t sound it currently. Why are you paying towards his car if you don’t use it. What your sister in law has is her business it may be debt? Or her parents paying who knows. It isn’t your problem but comparison and jealousy occur I think when people are unhappy.

With respect you need to getover yourself and stop making an idol of material things. Take no notice what others have no idea what goes on behind anyone's closed doors. Enjoy life, your health and whatever comes your way without constantly looking to your next accumulation.

prioritise getting your own home and leaving your in-laws home over new handbags and cars. It sounds very toxic

Things don't make us happy.

You say you’re extremely career driven, but then go on to say you live with your in-laws. Something has gone wrong somewhere.

So your husband did in fact no save long and hard for the car if you're giving him 500 a month for it.

You do seem materialistic, more jealous of a bag than pissed off at living with pil at 35.

You'd have had thar house sooner if hubby didn't splurge on the car.

In the kindest way you sound like an. entitled pampered princess who covets material things. Your values need a shake up.

Oh dear OP this not good. I’m assuming you’re on okay wages being career driven and working in London. What have you got to show for all your hard work?

It’s time to re-evaluate, make serious changes and move forward in life, with or without your BF.

I’m hoping your name isn’t on the car finance.

Many years ago we had friends like this. Both drove brand new cars flash holidays designer clothes. Could not work it out. Years later they divorced -she told me they had been living way beyond their means and had crippling debts. They actually lost the house and the cars.
All that glitters is not gold.

@KKD90 I think you need to channel a bit more Mary Beard and a bit less Kim Kardashian. It all sounds very fur coat and no knickers.

dying to know what the car is

Stop planning a family and start planning your escape. You are being taken for a ride and it will not improve, get out now abd do not have children with this man.

So basically your husband buy whatever rhe wants for himself and you pay half. Anything you want is a waste. His brother on the other hand is more generous and buys his gf gifts. I would be jealous too.

I think the fact you married a man who still lives at home with his parents is the issue here. He won’t ever move out. Why would he when he gets to fritter his money away on luxuries on himself.

huge red flag

I hope you read this please!!

You need to get financial literacy because it seems like you don't know what's going on.

He put down large deposit for the car but you are paying £500 a month towards it?!?! This makes no sense, especially if you are contributing to the car and you husband is "paying" too...how would extras and insurance amount to anything close to this figure.
You do not drive the car but as you are paying for it, ask for the ALL paperwork so you do your due diligence and account for these costs....for a car not in your name and you don't use. If he does not provide the paperwork, refuse to pay for it. This is extremely suspicious.

The fact you earn considerably less and are being asked to fund his suspiciously extortionate car is madness!! It doesn't add up whatsoever. You feel uneasy because deep down you know something isn't right.

Forget the SIL and BIL, you need to get to the bottom of your marital finances and husbands financial control/ab*se

I agree with the majority of the comments, the problem is a DH one. I understand wanting to treat yourself as you work hard and have so little to show for it. Do you actually know your financial situation? How much do you have in savings? Are you sure that your salary is not going towards your in-laws? Your DH sounds really spoiled.
Have you sat down with your DH to work out how much of a deposit you have and when you can move out?
I really don't understand this obsession with getting loans for luxury cars. We see it on the school run, neighbours have cars that are 40/50k plus whilst living in tiny housed. They all have designer bags and branded items but their homes are tiny.
What are your priorities OP? Security or the illusion of wealth and status? If you want security, I'd leave your husband and set up a new life, you couldn't be worse off!

What other people spend their money on is none of your business. What your husband spends his money on is your business and it doesn’t sound like your priorities are aligned.

I'm guessing double below means that you earn half as much as he does. Your husband probably can afford to buy you that bag, he just does not want to buy it for you. His brother wanted to buy it for his wife. He would rather take a 5th of your wage so that he can buy himself nice things.

He is good with money. Your money.

He's treating you like a mug and it will get worse if you have a baby. Please, please, please put yourself first. He is not meeting your needs and he is actually charging you for the privilege!

You must strike out for your independence. There's no point in working hard and having no joy from your salary.

You deserve to treat yourself sometimes, KK, that is only fair. It would be different if you were struggling on the breadline but you are not, your husband earns well, you earn less but still a reasonable amount and no doubt you do your share of tasks.

Buy yourself what you want occasionally, it won't hurt, doesn't make you materialistic. Your sister in law and her husband have nothing to do with it, they may have the right idea actually. Nobody is young forever, you need to have some fun while you can.

Seriously consider your options before having a baby, just don't take too long about it. Be straightforward with your husband. No doubt he thinks everything is OK - and it isn't. If he loves you and values your marriage he will listen and be prepared to change or at least compromise, all is not lost.

If that doesn't work, look on Rightmove and found yourself a little flat - and maybe a new man but, more importantly, be yourself and independent.

Good luck, we're all behind you.

So realistically you could between you have saved about 50,000 in the past four years?

Husband

what have the 2 to do with each other?