25 year old SIL. No comparison, no jealousy.

[KKD90]

Hi all,

I’m 35, extremely career driven and this year have started family planning. My husband bought a new car this year and saved long and hard. His brother and his wife are younger than us, they have the most luxury but budget life and it makes no sense on how they afford it. She works as reception manager and he’s just help desk (not knocking jobs) but they both drive a BMW each, have lots of gold jewellery, and the other day, my SIL walked in with an LV bag (something I have wanted for around two years but, priorities). She revealed my brother in-law bought it for her. They also have an 11 month old. They have made comments about me and my husband buying groceries in M&S and how expensive it is?!

I immediately felt pretty shit when I saw her walk in with the bag. Not because she had it, but I work hard and hadn’t been able to buy it. I also sacrifice a lot, we don’t own our own home yet and are also working towards that (we live with my in-laws). This isn’t a comparison, but I feel so shit. My husband earns well, bought his luxury car and his clothes. I don’t own anything like it. It’s just a shitty feeling. My money goes towards saving for a house, handing him £500 towards the car .. that I don’t drive.

Your post reeks of jealousy - your husband could have bought you a LV bag but chose to buy himself a new car which depreciated the moment he drove it off the forecourt. I’m not knocking him whatsoever but deep down I’m sure you wish he’d bought a one year old car and treated you to the handbag

Op you need to sit down with your dh and talk seriously and honestly about what it is that you both really want your future to look like and the time line you're each envisioning things happening at?

The individual priorities and the timescales themselves don't matter- what matters is that you're aligned on it and clear on what your joint priorities are.

It sounds like this arrangement is suiting your dh very well - you're living with his family so presumably he has both his wife and mother running after him? He's able to save plenty of money and has prioritised getting an extravagant new car (as opposed to a less extravagant new or fancier but second hand car) over saving for your house deposit. And is taking a very large chunk of your earnings which are significantly less than his in order to cover and run the car costs. I would see that as extremely selfish to be honest and I think the bag is the visualisation of that selfishness- because his luxury wants are coming at your expense but he has no intention or interest in reciprocating that for things that matter to you.

I think you need to really look at how you're splitting money - do you have access to all of your money - do you have separate bank account and access to joint funds- do you know how much he actually contributes to your savings for the house each month? Do you know what the discrepancy is between leftover 'fun' money for each of you at the end of the month after you've each covered your share of bills and how equitably have you portioned out those costs? Do you both work full time?

To me a fair split would be looking at the percentage difference between incomes and then split the bills proportionately to those percentages. Then agree a fair amount to be put into savings each month that you both need to agree what those savings will be used towards. The money leftover should be equal between you for you to spend as you wish on luxuries or things you individually need/ want.

The other side to this is how able you feel to stand up for yourself in this op. But I would absolutely not be having a child with a man who is treating me in this way and who is so much more focused on his own goals over shared goals.

I also think this is wildly unfair. House prices in some areas are now eye wateringly high for houses that in reality really aren't worth those prices. For a lot of younger people buying feels very unobtainable unlike other cheaper goals like a nice car or holiday or nice bag that reminds them that they are actually doing well in life- it's just that we're operating in a brutal housing market at the moment.

Then you factor in the insane rise in rental prices over the past 5/6 years- people used to be able to rent AND save, but for many now they can just rent as wages have not increased comparatively.

My child is only 2 at the minute and honestly I really worry about whether things like owning a home will ever be obtainable for him because I know how difficult it was for me. And yes, I'd happily put him up for as long as possible to help him with that rather than lining the pockets of a landlord with a grand every month.

Four to six months of not paying for your husband’s car that you don’t drive, will get you a lovely mid range LV. Enjoy!

I think your husband maybe doesn’t know that you would like these type of things and downplays them “who would be so materialistic!” . It’s definitely affordable for you both. 1/2k as a one off would not hurt and would make you really happy.
My DH occasionally treats me because he knows I like it. However we do get comments from people who earn way more than us, they could clearly afford ten LV bags if they wanted. They act as if we are the most glamorous people ever 😆

Because she is a fool living with her in-laws and he's a jerk off.

The bag’s probably a good fake from China.

When you say “luxury” car, what do you mean? A Ferrari that only your DH uses and no one else can. Or a new or nearly new reliable and well reviewed family car?

I don’t buy into the MN theory that we should all be driving around in old bangers or 15 year old cars to save money. An old car that is always breaking down or unreliable is not a money saver.

A bag's a bag. You put your phone, keys & lippy in them. They don't need to have a designers name on them to be useful.

DH has always been into cars, and had a childhood dream to own an expensive one. I couldn’t care less. I made it very clear many years ago that if that fancy car turned up before we bought a house he would be sleeping in it on his own. There was certainly never any suggestion that I would be helping to fund it.

After many years we’ve now got the house and he achieved the dream. You need to explain how you feel clearly and make sure you have the same goals. This mismatch won’t get better on its own.

An expensive bag isn’t going to make you happy. No object will. You need to find other ways to make yourself feel like you have value. Everything else is just a valueless trap to make you feel like shit and work yourself into the ground. Why would you be jealous that they have a bag and a child and no house?! Just focus on you and what makes you happy/unhappy.

Something is very wrong financially here.

You and your husband are living with family, which should be cutting your costs, and it sounds like you are both in higher waged occupations than your BIL and SIL.

Yet you're contributing to your higher-paid husband's car and there's no money for luxury items for you? So where is your money going? Where is his money going?

It can't just be M&S groceries.

He's wanted it for a long time? So what? Seriously. So what? Most people want things; doesn't mean they're entitled to get them when they want them at the expense of others ... here, 'you'.

He's not good with money. Or you wouldn't be living with his parents subsidizing HIS luxury car, HIS lifestyle, while you work hard and go without for yourself.

I'd be rethinking what you've signed up for here and not have children unless you're sure this is the life you want... always coming last

Another thread bashing a woman relative when really it’s your husband that’s the problem.

I don’t buy into the MN theory that we should all be driving around in old bangers or 15 year old cars to save money. An old car that is always breaking down or unreliable is not a money saver.

Ermm...well, this is one of the methods whereby we, and our parents, and my own DC, saved a lot of money. Relative to housing, cars used to be very expensive back in the day. They had to last, and were looked after really well (by a kind relative). Our current car, small, economical, I bought 15 years ago, new. I've done 250,000 km in it, and the only major expense has been replacement tyres. It replaced a 27 year old, third-hand car which actually had begun to cost and was ditched. What's wrong with an "old banger" that you look after? I used to work in a highly prestigious school, with the DC of the aristocracy and fringe royals. Nothing fancy about their cars. People buy fancy, expensive cars because of their own sense of inferiority, or perhaps superiority, not primarily because of the vehicles' reliability.

Sounds like he's good with YOUR money. You're subsidizing him.

It's easier to fixate on the SIL than to face the reality of her DH being a selfish dick.

How did that start happening that you pay a large sum of money towards his car? Sounds like some manipulative behaviour must have been happening for some time.

Are also from the Punjabi culture yourself? Is the whole living set up what you expected or is it more of a surprise for you?

OP I can tell you from personal experience if you stay living with your inlaws you will never advance in life. Your husband needs a kick up the arse to cut the umbilical cord and move out. Him buying this luxury car whilst in the financial safety of his parents home irrespective of the impact on a future mortgage shows he does not want one. He will be quite happy living there as his life hasn't changed, yours has by moving in with a family that is not yours and will never see you as truly part of theirs. This is the brutal truth.
You also need to give your head a wobble, why the fuck are you paying towards his car?? If he can't afford it he doesn't have it. Don't wait for him to buy you nice things, keep that £500 and buy your own things.
You need to shake this up as you are bring mugged off from one Punjabi to another. Find your voice and use it your future self will thank you, keep your finances separate from your man child husband x

I have never had a designer bag or clothes and I don’t have a lot of jewellery ( a few nice bits , some were gifts for 18th and 21st Birthdays when I was young )
But …we own our own decent sized home , mortgage free in a nice area and have a decent reliable car that is compliant with LEZ as we need to head to the city sometimes

The bag could be fake? The cars on finance, they could be in shitloads of debt.

Sort out your issues (ahem DH ahem) and you won’t care.

Forget your sil.

You need to find a more fair and sustainable solution to your joint finances before you even think about bringing a baby into this situation. Having children leaves women much more vulnerable financially than it does men - especially selfish men.

Mate if he was good with money you wouldn't be living with his parents at 35 years of age while he drives a luxury car.

Spot on.

I am a lot older than you and have the watch, I dont have many LVs because they are not really very classy, the monogram ones anyway but I do have a Birkin and a Chanel collection. I also have a fancy car. But it doesnt matter a jot, it doesnt make me any happier. People make people happy, pets and my job make me happy also. I am not saying its not nice to have but only as a bonus, and collected over many years. They arent badges of happiness, connection or belonging. Those things you have to actually work at and only come with maturity. Focus on the life, not the stuff, uou will have plenty of time to get the stuff.

I don’t understand! You have your money and you choose to live with your in laws. You sound like you must moan at your sil if she is commenting on your food shop. I shop at Lidl spend under £30 a week for two, if I bought luxury food from m and s in three months of not buying that I would have money for a bag like hers. But and here is the rub, they probably know you are jealous of everything and the bag is either secondhand or fake and they are relishing your attitude.
They live with her parents. Maybe they are really good at budgeting, maybe her parents buy pretty much everything, perhaps she secretly inherited a sum, or maybe they are in debt or running drugs. Whatever, you need to stop being jealous and work on your own life, expectations and budget.
You have not expressed any passion, love or like for your husband, did you think he was going to be your free pass to designer world?
Does a LV bag make a relationship a happy one?