25 year old SIL. No comparison, no jealousy.

[KKD90]

Hi all,

I’m 35, extremely career driven and this year have started family planning. My husband bought a new car this year and saved long and hard. His brother and his wife are younger than us, they have the most luxury but budget life and it makes no sense on how they afford it. She works as reception manager and he’s just help desk (not knocking jobs) but they both drive a BMW each, have lots of gold jewellery, and the other day, my SIL walked in with an LV bag (something I have wanted for around two years but, priorities). She revealed my brother in-law bought it for her. They also have an 11 month old. They have made comments about me and my husband buying groceries in M&S and how expensive it is?!

I immediately felt pretty shit when I saw her walk in with the bag. Not because she had it, but I work hard and hadn’t been able to buy it. I also sacrifice a lot, we don’t own our own home yet and are also working towards that (we live with my in-laws). This isn’t a comparison, but I feel so shit. My husband earns well, bought his luxury car and his clothes. I don’t own anything like it. It’s just a shitty feeling. My money goes towards saving for a house, handing him £500 towards the car .. that I don’t drive.

I think all four of you need to rethink your entire attitude to money. Looks like no one has a pot to piss in but is obsessed with designer brands and luxury cars.

This^^
Sorry OP but you and your husband sound very immature - almost like teenagers.

Yes. It's childish and vulgar.

I remember an old thread of yours OP.

The family is so unhealthily enmeshed, your MIL is horrible to you, your FIL is an alcoholic and your husband (as is evident from this thread) is an a selfish prick. Earning double what you earn and expecting you to pay £500 a month towards his luxury car?! calling you materialistic?!

It’s time to take a step back and look at your life objectively. You’re 35. You can’t afford time wise to waste more years on someone who is fundamentally unkind and has a toxic family dynamic, if you want to have children.

I think you would be absolutely mad to stay with him.

Its not about anyone else.
You need to move out. Start your family 35 is not young in terms of having children . So getting a home sorted should be a priority over a car. Especially in London.
Or do you plan to have kids and stay living with parents.
When you see yourself moving forward with the big things I bet you wont even care about a bag . Which let's face it is a tad pointless.

Sister in law mentioned her husband bought her an LV bag. That's just stating a fact, sharing something you're pleased about, like, "Do you like this new jacket I just bought in XXX ?". It's not flaunting.

She mentioned that you bought food in M&S and it is expensive. Again, just stating a fact, she wasn't saying you shouldn't or asking how you can afford it. I've heard people say the same many times, some very well off. It means nothing. I buy from M&S sometimes, not all the time, many do. We all think M&S food is expensive but there are bargains and offers, same as anywhere else and it's a pleasant shop.

You are being rather sensitive, as if you have a chip on your shoulder and that is making you unnecessarily defensive. I have come across this before, it makes people never want to share anything.

What your relatives do with their money, how they manage, is their business. We're all different, our priorities vary. What matters is are they nice, decent people and if you like them.

I would also love to know what them having a baby has to do with anything. They have and many other people do too :-); you probably will. Is it a big deal to anyone other than the parents?

Your SIL can spend her money on what she likes. It's really none of your business how she affords it although I'd be willing to guess her credit card is taking a bit of a battering if what you say is true.
Your problem seems to be your DH.
Buying a car should be a joint decision if you're both paying for it. He might have needed a car but did he need a flashy car? Not for me to say but it doesn't sound as though you can actually afford it.
You need to have a serious talk with him about where you are going. There is no point you planning things if he isn't onboard and is frittering money away. You both need to get on the same page.
And you need to work out a better plan for how you contribute to household expensives. Becaues 50/50 is only fair if you are earning the same. Doesn't sound like this is the case for you.

Both sides of this are a bit mad. Shopping in M and S and a £1000 a month car payment before you own a home is madness, let alone coveting LV bags. Equally, they'll either be fakes/outlet store knock offs or it'll be a credit card job. I'm only a few yrs older and we are very lucky because we both earn v well, but I don't buy designer handbags or clothes because it's a waste, instead we enjoy our own home, the odd nice holiday, our children and we drive sensible cars we buy 2nd hand for cash we've saved up. Neither you nor your in laws are living within your means and eventually it will all come home to roost.... it's not sustainable on normal salaries to spend thousands on LV and range rover sports.

I remember your other thread about your MIL @KKD90

I'm aghast that you're still TTC before you've bought your own house.

I'm actually aghast that you're still with your spineless husband, too.

I'm even more aghast that you are wasting so much money on his car every month.

£1k on car payments a month when you’re living with your pil and saving for a deposit? That’s going to put a major dent in the savings! So bonkers!

Why are you paying for half of his car?

SIL probs living on credit, or he's a drug dealer 🤣

You have a DH problem. He’s treating you like a mug and you’re letting him.

I’d sort out where you live before worrying about handbags. Priorities.🙄

I think a LV handbag is just as ridiculous a waste of money as a stupid car. You all sound shallow, materialistic and have you priorities all messed up.

All sounds so petty. Misery over nothing. I'm glad I'm not like that.

Yup!

That said, if I was living with parents & paying low bills, saving 3/4 grand to splurge wouldn't take that long to to do anyway!

Sorry…the only people who should have a £1000/month car payment are those earning £250k+.

Maybe what you really want is more freedom, OP? You sound as if you are furiously fitting in with other people's expectations rather than living your own lives.

Subject line is very misleading. Your foundational problem is with your DH, not your SIL.

Not sure but I think you are saying that you earn less than half of his salary?
But ALL your money is going into savings for a house and £500 pm for “his” car. You might not need it for a commute to work, but do you have a driving licence and a set of car keys?

Do you have access to the joint savings or your own savings account? Do you know how much you have contributed thus far?

I completely understand the points you have made. It’s not the bag per se but the principle here. On paper you should have your own place by now and be starting a family but in practice you’re not sure where the money is going?

If you don’t have access, ask to see the bank statement and then you need to make some choices about the rest of your life. If the balance is healthy and the car is the only vice, what’s the timetable to move out? Can you even afford childcare u less you live with your in-laws?
If there’s little in the way of savings, he earns double what you do and you’ve been funding HIS lifestyle then in your shoes I’d stop contributing immediately, get a deposit for a flat or a house share and get the hell out. But I’m not in your shoes and I recognise that culturally that’s really difficult.

The problem is that even if he held up his hands, admitted fault, and started saving you would be years away from enough savings for a baby and a house. Time is not on your side to be indecisive.

"I immediately felt pretty shit when I saw her walk in with the bag" I find this hard to relate to, for a start LV bags are ugly. Secondly its just a thing, for all you know it's just a good quality fake. My SIL lives in fakes she orders from China, sometimes she gets a dud and charity shops it but if its decent she just styles it out and people probably think they are kosher.

Perhaps you need to treat yourself to something in your budget so you aren't feeling so hard done by? Don't go though life feeling envious of other peoples stuff, that's such a dumb waste of your time and energy.

Stop giving him £500 a month for a car that you don't even drive. Save it and youll be able to afford your own bag in a few months.

This isnt about SIL, this is about your whole life being managed by everyone else, DH, his parents etc.

Bear in mind SILs could be fake......

Good for them if they’re all happy. Intergenerational living is great if all are on board.

This is a DH issue.

All materialist items that are ridiculous whilst living with parents, crazy.