25 year old SIL. No comparison, no jealousy.

[KKD90]

Hi all,

I’m 35, extremely career driven and this year have started family planning. My husband bought a new car this year and saved long and hard. His brother and his wife are younger than us, they have the most luxury but budget life and it makes no sense on how they afford it. She works as reception manager and he’s just help desk (not knocking jobs) but they both drive a BMW each, have lots of gold jewellery, and the other day, my SIL walked in with an LV bag (something I have wanted for around two years but, priorities). She revealed my brother in-law bought it for her. They also have an 11 month old. They have made comments about me and my husband buying groceries in M&S and how expensive it is?!

I immediately felt pretty shit when I saw her walk in with the bag. Not because she had it, but I work hard and hadn’t been able to buy it. I also sacrifice a lot, we don’t own our own home yet and are also working towards that (we live with my in-laws). This isn’t a comparison, but I feel so shit. My husband earns well, bought his luxury car and his clothes. I don’t own anything like it. It’s just a shitty feeling. My money goes towards saving for a house, handing him £500 towards the car .. that I don’t drive.

You have a DH problem, not a SIL one

Basically you have all of your priorities wrong. You aren't really saving for a house deposit you are paying off an unnecessary car expense (why not buy a nice car rather than a luxury one for half the price?). You are stuck at the beginning of middle age still living with parents and not truly being independent. You won't do this but what you need to do is get DH to sell the car. Buy one at half the price and use any savings plus this for a mortgage deposit for a house. Or LTB.

It's fascinating how different people are.

OP, comparison is the thief of joy. Stop looking at your SIL and wanting what she has. Figure out what your priorities are and make peace with that.

I can't afford a designer handbag or fancy car. But I have my own house and 2DC'S. If your husband is rubbish with money, then you will need to set your own financial boundaries and keep to them. If you are saving up for your own home and children then buying luxury cars is bonkers. If he wants to do that, you will have to decide if you want to be financially entangled with someone that prioritises shiny status symbols over family goals.

If your SIL is 25 then she may not be thinking about house deposits and funding maternity leave and childcare which leaves more to spare on fancy things.

A colleague is a member of a bag rental scheme where she gets to borrow fancy bags. If you have cash for that you could give that a go.

Could be max debt, second hand items, dodgy? I have an in law who's never worked yet has hundreds of designer items which they've never worn or used. Maxed out credit cards and BF in prison for a number of crimes. Thankfully I don't care about labels, rather feel it's sad anyone would want to collect this type of stuff to pretend to be rich!

Well, this is also my point. I am not jealous and I am not comparing, I save every month, but we are so closely related sometimes you wish you had what others have. They have privacy at her parents house, her parents are also very independent, my in-laws are the opposite, we get dragged into all their problems.

Well, I wouldn’t be paying any more towards that car.

I would hate to own an LV bag. Their only purpose is to ostentatiously display how expensive they are. That’s the opposite of good taste. You’re just declaring to everyone that you’ve been so taken in by branding and marketing that you’ve wasted a load of money in a rather desperate attempt to outdo other people in extravagance, presumably because you don’t believe you yourself are an interesting, stylish and worthwhile person in your own right.

To sum it up in a word: naff.

Stop paying towards your husband’s car and move out. Stop focusing on your SIL’s handbags.

I worked with a woman who was all about image with accessories, handbags and clothes and I came to realise she must have kept tags on her clothes and returned them, as she would only wear these expensive outfits once. It was not hugely impressive to me (couldn’t care less about fashion trends). But some people were so responsive to it and would gush over her outfits and she just fed into it and continued.

They have privacy at her parents house

You could have privacy if you weren't living with your husband's mum! How much have you got saved?