25 year old SIL. No comparison, no jealousy.

[KKD90]

Hi all,

I’m 35, extremely career driven and this year have started family planning. My husband bought a new car this year and saved long and hard. His brother and his wife are younger than us, they have the most luxury but budget life and it makes no sense on how they afford it. She works as reception manager and he’s just help desk (not knocking jobs) but they both drive a BMW each, have lots of gold jewellery, and the other day, my SIL walked in with an LV bag (something I have wanted for around two years but, priorities). She revealed my brother in-law bought it for her. They also have an 11 month old. They have made comments about me and my husband buying groceries in M&S and how expensive it is?!

I immediately felt pretty shit when I saw her walk in with the bag. Not because she had it, but I work hard and hadn’t been able to buy it. I also sacrifice a lot, we don’t own our own home yet and are also working towards that (we live with my in-laws). This isn’t a comparison, but I feel so shit. My husband earns well, bought his luxury car and his clothes. I don’t own anything like it. It’s just a shitty feeling. My money goes towards saving for a house, handing him £500 towards the car .. that I don’t drive.

I honestly don’t understand the sense of buying £1K a month cars, designer handbags and the food shop at M&S and not having a home to live in! Honestly stop all this visible wealth shit and save every penny to have the security and privacy that is essential for a happy and healthy marriage. My car is 5 years old and my handbag I bought in the Next sale years ago but I can close my own front door and not have to live with relatives and that’s priceless to me.

The best thing would be for everyone involved to get over the obsession with luxury goods. It all sounds ridiculously materialistic and pointless.

What you need is to get your own front door. Preferably one where your husband doesn’t have a door key.

Has anyone said, "Comparison is the thief of joy", yet?
Trite but very true...you are all separate people who have made differing choices.

You lost me at ‘living with in-laws’ - and who’s to say SIL doesn’t work hard too?

What a bizarre setup.

I wouldn't like to have their credit card bills. Or their underfunded retirement. You go on doing what you do best, and just feel sorry for their flashy shallow life. I'm 72 and have never had a "designer" bag, but I do have a lovely home and a good pension and lifestyle.

"Not because she had it, but I work hard and hadn’t been able to buy it"

Sounds like they work hard too? Do you think you and your husband work harder because you have better paying jobs and therefore you deserve luxuries more?

Why on earth is your husband seeing his income as separate to yours? If you divorced you would own half that car and those clothes resell value. He sounds absolutely vile - why are you giving him 20% of your salary? Why do you not have a joint account? Why are you 35 living with parents and no kids? It’s normal that parents live with you, not you with the parents - why are they not helping out? Sounds like a very materialistic driven and dull life.

Not the point of the thread but... I've yet to see an LV bag that wasn't ugly as hell anyway.

Wow you are so materialistic. Things don’t make us happy you know op.

She probably borrowed the bag, cars are also ones on hire.
You have much to be proud of and your life will improve the harder you work.
Focus in you .

BIL and SIL afford their luxury items by living with in-laws and thereby having very few bills to pay. And also probably living with debt. Surely that’s obvious OP.

You say that’s not what you want. You want your own home and a family and are trying to work towards that.
The problem you have is that you are no longer sure your husband is on the same page as you. Stop subsidising his need for a luxury car as a status symbol for a starter. Why would you do that?
If you told him to sell the car and put the money towards the house fund what would he say?

Actually, I think you aren’t that sure yourself either, if you want the house or the status symbols. I think you appear to want both. But you know it’s not possible without debt.
You have to make your own mind up about what you want before taking it up with your husband.

If you aren’t on the same page as him, maybe you’d be better off saving just for your own future security, especially if you are as career driven as you make out.
He is draining your hopes and dreams. Get that £500 back if you can.

Why are you giving him £500 every month of your money for his luxury car? That makes no sense, I would stop doing that and he can get a cheap car with lower running costs.

Do you really love the look of the LV bag or what it represents (money)? Would you like it as much if it was a good quality bag but worth a few hundred pounds? I've seen a meme somewhere about people showing off designer bags with no money in them (as it got spent on the bag) and I couldn't agree more. What's the point of having one if you are saving for a house, using credit cards (not saying you do, just talking generally) and basically need the money it costs? By the sound of it, your SIL can't really afford her bag (which doesn't mean she was unable to find the money for it) so I'd not envy her at all.

I do not understand people who act like such passengers in their own life. You know you only get to do this once, don’t you?

Stop contributing to the car that you don’t want and don’t drive, and you can afford an LV Neverfull by Easter.

Do you really love the look of the LV bag or what it represents (money)? Would you like it as much if it was a good quality bag but worth a few hundred pounds? I've seen a meme somewhere about people showing off designer bags with no money in them (as it got spent on the bag) and I couldn't agree more. What's the point of having one if you are saving for a house, using credit cards (not saying you do, just talking generally) and basically need the money it costs? By the sound of it, your SIL can't really afford her bag (which doesn't mean she was unable to find the money for it) so I'd not envy her at all.

Why on earth are you blowing money on luxury cars at £1000 repayment/month and considering spending thousands on designer bags when you can't even afford to house yourselves despite having no children?! That's plain crazy.
Why are you funding your husband's luxury purchase but putting all your money aside for a joint house? If he wants a luxury car, as opposed to a joint car or a functional car, he can pay for it from his own salary.
Apart from thse odd decisions, the two of you are clearly very materialistic. Fast cars and expensive handbags don't make you happy @KKD90. Getting rid of the husband and working on yourself might help though.

Your husband prioritised a nice car, which he needs you to partly pay for, over moving out of his parents’ house. There’s your problem right there.

OP - do you think the status “stuff” matters to you and your DH so much because you have decent jobs but haven’t achieved the lifestyle status successful people entering middle age should normally expect to have? You are mid-to-late 30s with good jobs but you’ve not been able to buy your own home, you’ve not started a family, however stuff like a designer bag or a good car is pretty much all you could have to differentiate your lifestyle now to that of teens first entering the workforce.

Id suggest you and dh go out for dinner and have a serious talk, you want house and baby. If he doesn’t want these, he needs to be honest with you. (And the car must go! He cant afford it.)

And £1000 month on a car for anyone who isn’t properly loaded is ridiculous, at least until they’re fully set up in terms of property / pension / savings. And I love cars, admit to spending more than I really should on them but FFS that’s pure stupidity.

Can you explain what you spend all of your money on?
You are 35 and career driven so surely you must be earning at least £30k. If your husband earns twice your salary you must have £90k coming in between you if not a lot more.
Living with mummy and daddy must be cheap or are you paying for the whole household?
You should be rolling in it, or at least have a few hundred for a designer bag.

OP I’m also Punjabi, a couple years older than you.

Its not common as you think and I think you’re part of the minority of Punjabi people who live with parents post marriage… my exh and I both bought our house before we married and moved straight into that.

we divorced and then each took our share of the property and managed to buy a small home each.

Your SIL is a red herring. The biggest issue you have is how on what planet buying a luxury car whilst you’re BOTH supposed to be saving for a house even came about? And why are you paying towards it?

you sound ridiculously mismatched.. I don’t think I could live with another man and his parents where he refuses to grow up. Parents pay the mortgage and wife pays towards his car so he can look cool and like a baller with his flashy car? The lack of priorities amazes me! OP people who are serious about saving would get the house first and THEN splurge on the car. He clearly has no plans to leave!

Stop paying for his car. You need your money to save for a house. In fact I’d leave this man child who is clearly waiting for mum and dad to pass on and to have the house you live in just handed to him on a plate. You’d be better off doing it alone! (I managed with a 1 year old at the time!)

Your BIL and SIL are immaterial, so put them to one side, because deep down this isn't about a LV bag. You are both supposedly saving for your own home, but your husband has bought a luxury car. A car that you are helping pay for. I don't dispute your husband needed a car, especially as he used to share one with his brother, who has moved out. He didn't need a luxury car though, he needed a decent car that would enable him to get from A to B. How much money is he actually saving towards a deposit??! Or is it just you that's saving? It's all about priorities. Your husband appears to be quite content to be living with his parents, and spending his money on luxuries, rather than changing your living situation. I understand in certain cultures several generations living under the one roof is common, and probably encouraged. However, it sounds as if, you don't want this to be a permanent situation, especially if you are trying for a baby. If you become pregnant whilst living with your in-laws, you current living situation will never change. The baby will be an excuse why you can't live in your own home - 'why bother, you'll have support already here', 'let's wait until the baby is older' etc. You need a conversation with your husband about where he sees your future. You need to make it absolutely clear, that you want your own home.

Excellent answer….OP, your older self will thank you if you take this advice xx