25 year old SIL. No comparison, no jealousy.

[KKD90]

Hi all,

I’m 35, extremely career driven and this year have started family planning. My husband bought a new car this year and saved long and hard. His brother and his wife are younger than us, they have the most luxury but budget life and it makes no sense on how they afford it. She works as reception manager and he’s just help desk (not knocking jobs) but they both drive a BMW each, have lots of gold jewellery, and the other day, my SIL walked in with an LV bag (something I have wanted for around two years but, priorities). She revealed my brother in-law bought it for her. They also have an 11 month old. They have made comments about me and my husband buying groceries in M&S and how expensive it is?!

I immediately felt pretty shit when I saw her walk in with the bag. Not because she had it, but I work hard and hadn’t been able to buy it. I also sacrifice a lot, we don’t own our own home yet and are also working towards that (we live with my in-laws). This isn’t a comparison, but I feel so shit. My husband earns well, bought his luxury car and his clothes. I don’t own anything like it. It’s just a shitty feeling. My money goes towards saving for a house, handing him £500 towards the car .. that I don’t drive.

One thing is for sure, there’s no way on earth I’d want to have a baby with a man who still lives with his parents at nearly 40, and prioritised a luxury car over a house.
I’m also not understanding how 2 adults who have been working in a ‘decent career’ for nearly 20 years and living with parents haven’t saved enough for a deposit for a house.

How have you ended up paying for his car - didnt you say he earns over double what you do? You also sound bad with money and materialistic tbh, not just them. But each to their own! I'm trying not to judge. Your SIL has absolutely nothing to do with why you haven't got a LV bag. If BIL/SIL want to spend every penny buying flashy ornaments, let them. You are free to do the same. Well, i guess you arent free because your husband is spending all your spare money on his luxury car! It sounds off to me that the spouse that earns far less is paying for the others luxury car. Is your relationship unfair in other ways too?

Why are you all so focussed on what you have and where you buy it?

They have made comments about me and my husband buying groceries in M&S and how expensive it is?!

Well, it is!!

Why do you buy groceries in M+S when you can't afford to move out of your/his parents' house at 35?!

I feel like all your priorities are messed up.

I was wondering the same thing.

I guess your sil is not paying much/any keep at her parents and has no childcare costs. They and you are basically living like y13 students with high paying Saturday jobs - spunking your money on “luxuries” and not caring too much about your grown up lives as it will all be fine in the end.

You need to decide what you want and what your priorities are and then make a plan towards getting there.

Do you want to move out? You need a proper budget and savings commitment towards saving to buy or you need to rent somewhere.

Do you want to be financing a £1000 a month car? If not you either need to get rid of the car or ultimately the husband. Him spending £1000/month on a car is not possible without negatively impacting on you

Do you want a stupidly expensive bag? Save up - what can you cut out (M&S, car, eating out etc) to save up.

Do you want to stay in a relationship with a middle aged man who acts like a teenager who lives with mum and spends all his money on toys? I cba with shit like that.

Why are you giving your partner £500 a month towards a car that you don’t drive?
Why did he buy a luxurious car if you are saving for a house? Why did you accept him buying the car?
Why do you put all your money into saving for the house and the car that you don’t drive, and why havn’t you bought anything nice for yourself?
Why are you buying groceries at M&S?
Why are you living with your in-laws?

You don’t have a SIL problem, you have a relationship problem. Give your head a wobble and wake up. You’re funding your partner’s luxury car when you agreed to save for a house. You need to sort out your finances and prioritise. If you want to save for a house, get rid of the luxery car and stop shopping at M&S, make sure you can move out of your in-laws asap. Honestly you all sound like you’re making immature financial choices.

Well you all sound stupidly shallow and materialistic.

However, your DH is the problem here. I think deep down you know it. What are you going to do about it?

I think you need to have a long serious chat with your husband. It sounds like owning your own home is your priority but maybe not his and everything seems to be going his way. FWIW I could afford flash watches and handbags but they leave me cold and I think a lot of people would just assume they were fake.

Does your DH actually want to move out or does he really want to stay with Mummy forever?

I agree this is what jealousy is. But I also understand it’s hard not to compare when you are closely related and know so much about each other and notice you can’t afford luxuries they can despite having much lower family income.

I agree with a pp they must be in debt. They shouldn’t be commenting on you buying groceries from M&S. It’s funny they are jealous of you too. Their priorities are weird considering they have a child.

Your partner CAN afford the bag. He could have bought a cheaper car AND the bag. He just decided NOT to. It tells you a lot about where HIS priorities are. Not you.

Why would you want an LV Bag? ridiculously try to hard if you ask me.
comparison is the thief of joy.

Trust me, they are up to their arseholes in debt.

edit: mis-read the post!

You have a husband problem, living with parents but buying luxury cars? Save for your own house, even earning the small percentage of his salary you’ll get a house quicker. I’m predicting when you have a nice pot of cash for a house deposit, he’ll be ready for an upgraded luxury car. Why would he change things?

This is a YOU and HUSBAND problem.
Its not or nothing to do with you in-laws.

You are not the sum value of the stuff you own. You are not less worthy than someone else because they own some shit that you don't own. Stop caring so much about material stuff that will eventually end up gathering dust in some charity shop, or in a landfill. Nobody whose respect is worth having will admire you because of the handbag you carry. Cultivate being a human being instead.

You're paying £500 a month towards your husbands car and resent your SIL for owning an LV bag?

This is very much a you problem. Stop subsidising your husband so he can afford a luxury car.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Also, cars could be on finance and the bag could be fake.

How do you manage your finances as a couple?

A man who buys a new luxury car while you're supposedly saving for a home is not a man I'd want to have joint finances with, tbh.

And being jealous of a flash handbag is ridiculous. I thought LV was considered chavvy these days, anyway.

My usual question really. What dfoes he bring to the party and why do you stay?

It's probably fake. And if it's not she's been ripped off anyway.

Maybe they're in shit loads of debt, maybe they are master criminals who'll end up in prison, maybe they've converted half their house into a cannabis factory?

I’m 54 and I’ve never had a luxury car or a new car, nor has DH. And we have a pretty good income of around €200k. I do own property though and my 5th and final mortgage will be paid off in February. It’s a question of priorities. Buying something that devalues is not a priority for us. There are loads of people to follow on IG to learn more about money and investing. Giving your DP £500/month towards a depreciating asset seems like a bad idea to me. Just so he can feel like billy big balls.