25 year old SIL. No comparison, no jealousy.

[KKD90]

Hi all,

I’m 35, extremely career driven and this year have started family planning. My husband bought a new car this year and saved long and hard. His brother and his wife are younger than us, they have the most luxury but budget life and it makes no sense on how they afford it. She works as reception manager and he’s just help desk (not knocking jobs) but they both drive a BMW each, have lots of gold jewellery, and the other day, my SIL walked in with an LV bag (something I have wanted for around two years but, priorities). She revealed my brother in-law bought it for her. They also have an 11 month old. They have made comments about me and my husband buying groceries in M&S and how expensive it is?!

I immediately felt pretty shit when I saw her walk in with the bag. Not because she had it, but I work hard and hadn’t been able to buy it. I also sacrifice a lot, we don’t own our own home yet and are also working towards that (we live with my in-laws). This isn’t a comparison, but I feel so shit. My husband earns well, bought his luxury car and his clothes. I don’t own anything like it. It’s just a shitty feeling. My money goes towards saving for a house, handing him £500 towards the car .. that I don’t drive.

Your problem isn't your SiL, it's your husband.

If he did his share of saving, you'd be moved out by now. I suspect,

1. He doesn't want to leave mummy and daddy

2. He is selfish

3. He is spendy

If he has purchased a luxury car, it is a choice that you do not own your own home. wasnt this a decision you made jointly?

Why on earth are you giving you husband £500 a month for a car you don’t drive? Why?

You’re upset with your husband, this isn’t about your sil

What’s it got to do with having children?

I understand your feelings and I think there’s lots to unpack here.

• How do they afford it? likely credit cards etc. Not the best idea re creating financial security but their choice
• comments re food from M&S- they might cut costs on food and instead spend on other things- no right or wrong, just different choices
• living with parents works for some, not for others- again no right or wrong just preference
• values- to some extent you’ve bought into this idea about status/success coming from material things (the handbag) in the same way they have and your DH has re the car
• But there is significant value to working hard and saving towards a goal- you are creating future choices for yourself through this
• the sticking point for me is your DH and you being required to hand over £500 a month for a car that you don’t drive, that he doesn’t ‘need’, at a time you are supposedly saving for a house and planning a family. Particularly when you say you earn less. There is little sense of ‘team’ in this. I am quite shocked he is happy to do that and I’m sure he’s selling it to everyone how ‘he’ got a new car, like he’s the one with the big bucks. He’s getting the thing he always wanted with your input, but what you might really want doesn’t seem to matter? That sounds off to me.
• And maybe the fact your SIL said her DH got it for her also hit a nerve because you’d like your DH to show he values you in some way (not necessarily through a bag but something)
• I don’t know what your relationship is like with your DH but I think there needs to be more honest conversation about what you want and how you want to operate as a team. It can’t be that you sacrifice and he goes around living his best life. That simply isn’t fair.

I would be WELL unimpressed if my husband prioritised an expensive car over saving for a house deposit. What an absolute wanker.

Erm, you're 35 and just starting to plan a family, whilst not having your own home?

If you divorced tomorrow, what are you left with? Is the savings for a house accessible by you?

I mean, seriously, what have you been doing?

I really thought my husband was good with money, 4 years in and i’m really unsure.

Well he's in his 30s & despite living at home has had to save "ling & hard" for a car, albeit luxury.

Is he a low earner?

This.
A friend of a dd was always shopping for designer items, and ‘had’ to have an expensive car. What would people think if she drove a cheap one??

She once asked dd to go and see her, because she was depressed - about her £35k cc debt! And this was probably at least 15 years ago.

She had only just been shopping ‘to cheer herself up’!

She eventually ended up bankrupt, with IIRC some adviser cutting up her credit cards in front of her.

Stop paying for his car - if it’s in finance and being paid for monthly then he doesn’t own anything like it either

I would pause the family planning tbh.

Are you happy with your husband? With the life you have?

A few thoughts...

If the BIL and SIL are living with her parents, then all of their income may be disposable. Imagine not paying rent, a mortgage, utilities, or maybe even for food, other than going out? All of that income becomes "fun" money.

The BIL and SIL are likely spending every dime they earn, in credit card debt that they may never get out from under, and have little to no savings. Their future is bleak unless they start earning more, spending less, or get a nice inheritance from her parents.

I don't understand...are you married? But it's his money versus your money, and you give your husband money toward his car? It's all one pot, imo. No more his/mine. Marriage means OURS.

If your husband got a luxury car that "you" are helping to pay for, and you feel like you aren't getting something nice that you'd like, then you should absolutely balance things out a bit.

I'm guessing living (rent free?) with parents [budget] while buying what they like [luxury].

This is common in some cultures. I have a friend in Brazil in her early 40s. She is an architect so earns quite a lot of money. But, because she's single and has no children, her parents wouldn't want her to live alone. Nor would they consider charging her rent because she is their child. She has a great life! Unusual by UK standards but apparently not for her culture (evangelical Christian, upper middle class, urban Brazil).

Just me bombing down the towpath on my Muddy Fox, with my Fila rucksack, happy as a pig in poop..

Let it go OP, that shit will ruin your life, the comparisons, the competition with family, the expectations. The things you own, will end up owning you. Practice gratitude for what you have and enjoy your life.

Poor OP, it sounds like you’ve had a bit of a lightbulb moment and it’s given you pause to reflect on where you are in life, I really feel for you.

You mentioned paying £500 overall towards the car so 20% of your salary is £500 and you're on 2.5k a month (gross or net)? And by double below his do you mean he earns 5k a month? And you have minimal housing expenses as you live with his parents yet you're both struggling to save for a house? I think a review of your expenses would be good and also portioning out a fun fund each which you can spend on whatever you like (but is a limit that can't be exceeded each month).

Your overall finances sound a bit chaotic (plus living with in laws won't be helping. I'd never date a man who hadn't lived alone as they tend to then overrely on their partners to do the day to day chores and drudgery)

I'm guessing living (rent free?) with parents [budget] while buying what they like [luxury].

Oh, exactly like the OP and her husband are as well then? 😂

my salary is double below his

What does that mean? You earn less than half what he earns?

You have a husband problem. Not a SIL problem. She actually isn't relevant to your problem. Separate the two.

Why does your husband have a luxury car when it's obviously not affordable.

Why are you giving him £500 for it if you don't drive it? How does that benefit you? Why doesn't he downgrade to a car that he can afford himself?

Why do you not have investments for yourself, either cash or gold or similar.

Agree with going to the woods. The woods don't care how much money you do or don't have and it's fresh and crisp and sorts your head out.

You need to to be more involved in the finances then you will know whether you can afford an LV bag or not. Your SIL could have bought it second hand who knows?!

Also I often see women talking about wanting something and complaining that their partners are not buying it for them. If you want something save and buy it yourself. Also if you get more involved in the finances you will know if there is any money left after paying bills for these luxuries. No point asking for something which is not attainable if there is hardly any money left after paying bills.

You all sound like immature losers - adults still living at home and whining over handbags.

You can't be that "work focused" and earning well if you're in your mid-thirties and don't even live away from parents yet!

It's all so cringeworthy, tacky and pathetic.

Do they have credit cards? Secret drug dealers?! (I jest)
Maybe SIL has had some inheritance you don't know about? Gambling addiction?
None of your business. Let it go. Go buy the bag on credit if you're that fussed

Don't put the blame on his parents. You are both living off them.

Blame yourself for enabling your husband to be the way he is.

Don't look to blame the in laws or your SIL for your unhappiness. The problem is your husband.

Stop funding his shortfalls and he will have to think twice about choices he makes.