Husband of 14 years left 3 weeks ago, just told me he'd had enough, was unhappy, wanted to end it. Up and left to go stay with his sister, totally blindsided and devastated. We haven't been happy in our relationship for years, we have 2 young children and I have been in the trenches as it were with them, he has been head down, concentrating on his business. I have done the lion share of the care/parenting/house etc, you know the drill, working part time around their needs, feeling like I'm drowning or on a constant treadmill. We have no support from parents either side. This has caused resentments over the years with very few concessions from him, or admitting he should help more. He has been working extremely hard on his business, has had periods of burnout and dizzy spells and had reluctantly admitted (since he left) that he had been focussing on this and not us. I will admit we have had a dreadful communication style between us, with me pleading for help at times, him being defensive and dismissive, sulking on both sides then very little repair, just a gradually going back to normal after a few weeks, he has ot slightly better over time, helping a bit more, but it wasn't enough and he has said he felt that whatever he did was never good enough. I have been carrying lots of 'scars' from when I have felt let down and unsupported by him, he I think has felt unloved by me. On top of the communication style, I have been going through the menopause with all of the dreadful symptoms, including not wanting to be touched or intimate. He knew this but I admit I had been keeping a lot of how I was feeling to myself, as is my style plus through almost burnout myself, and just getting my head down and getting on with the jobs that needed doing.
My 2 kids are traumatised by him leaving, we have just been getting by. In his leaving speech to me,after some pressure from me, he admitted he has declared feelings for a married colleague and she has told him the same, that she is also leaving an unhappy marriage with her 3 children, he has assured me that nothing physical has happened but I'm not convinced. They are going to be at the same event together next week for 2 days/1 night. He knows I know this, it has been planned for 6 months, a work thing. He keeps saying 'nothing has happened', 'I haven't gone behind your back', but I think, as he's already told me he wants out and has left, that mentally he will think if something happens physically, that that won't be cheating. I'm not sure how I am going to cope with these two days, knowing they will be together. I still love him, I still want to try to work things out. We are in a dreadful place. We talked 2 days ago, the first time properly since he left, both admitting how we had been feeling for years and it turns out he thought I had been treating him like a doormat and I thought the exact same of him, we just hadn't been expressing it to each other or accepting each others feelings. Although I have tried in the past, this would, I felt, fall on deaf ears.
He has said his reason for ending it has got nothing to do with the other woman, and is purely because he is so unhappy in our relationship. That it is just a coincidence that she is also leaving at the same time..
How can I tell him not to take that step next week when they are together, and do anything physical with her? Should I? I know this will appear like I'm begging him but I love him and I cannot bear the thought of him kissing or being with another person. If I don't say anything, I think he will take that as my knowing he is going to do something anyway, that because he's already told me he's leaving, he can do it with a clearer conscience. I want him back, or at the very least, I want him to not take that step with her, so we can work on our relationship, even if it's just so we can not damage it further, but I don't know if me telling him that will push him further away?