Husband has left, Emotional Affair with Colleague, Can I save this?

[BarnabyRocks]

Husband of 14 years left 3 weeks ago, just told me he'd had enough, was unhappy, wanted to end it. Up and left to go stay with his sister, totally blindsided and devastated. We haven't been happy in our relationship for years, we have 2 young children and I have been in the trenches as it were with them, he has been head down, concentrating on his business. I have done the lion share of the care/parenting/house etc, you know the drill, working part time around their needs, feeling like I'm drowning or on a constant treadmill. We have no support from parents either side. This has caused resentments over the years with very few concessions from him, or admitting he should help more. He has been working extremely hard on his business, has had periods of burnout and dizzy spells and had reluctantly admitted (since he left) that he had been focussing on this and not us. I will admit we have had a dreadful communication style between us, with me pleading for help at times, him being defensive and dismissive, sulking on both sides then very little repair, just a gradually going back to normal after a few weeks, he has ot slightly better over time, helping a bit more, but it wasn't enough and he has said he felt that whatever he did was never good enough. I have been carrying lots of 'scars' from when I have felt let down and unsupported by him, he I think has felt unloved by me. On top of the communication style, I have been going through the menopause with all of the dreadful symptoms, including not wanting to be touched or intimate. He knew this but I admit I had been keeping a lot of how I was feeling to myself, as is my style plus through almost burnout myself, and just getting my head down and getting on with the jobs that needed doing.

My 2 kids are traumatised by him leaving, we have just been getting by. In his leaving speech to me,after some pressure from me, he admitted he has declared feelings for a married colleague and she has told him the same, that she is also leaving an unhappy marriage with her 3 children, he has assured me that nothing physical has happened but I'm not convinced. They are going to be at the same event together next week for 2 days/1 night. He knows I know this, it has been planned for 6 months, a work thing. He keeps saying 'nothing has happened', 'I haven't gone behind your back', but I think, as he's already told me he wants out and has left, that mentally he will think if something happens physically, that that won't be cheating. I'm not sure how I am going to cope with these two days, knowing they will be together. I still love him, I still want to try to work things out. We are in a dreadful place. We talked 2 days ago, the first time properly since he left, both admitting how we had been feeling for years and it turns out he thought I had been treating him like a doormat and I thought the exact same of him, we just hadn't been expressing it to each other or accepting each others feelings. Although I have tried in the past, this would, I felt, fall on deaf ears.

He has said his reason for ending it has got nothing to do with the other woman, and is purely because he is so unhappy in our relationship. That it is just a coincidence that she is also leaving at the same time..

How can I tell him not to take that step next week when they are together, and do anything physical with her? Should I? I know this will appear like I'm begging him but I love him and I cannot bear the thought of him kissing or being with another person. If I don't say anything, I think he will take that as my knowing he is going to do something anyway, that because he's already told me he's leaving, he can do it with a clearer conscience. I want him back, or at the very least, I want him to not take that step with her, so we can work on our relationship, even if it's just so we can not damage it further, but I don't know if me telling him that will push him further away?

@Franklyannoyed he didn’t exactly centre the kids when he left before Xmas. Most people wait to have a last Xmas and split up but unfortunately the husbands actions are lust and penis centred.

He didn't leave his children and he deserves to have as much contact as he pleases. He left a woman he no longer loved and who no longer seemed to be in love with him. Their relationship was bad. Yes he could have handled it better but we only have one side of the story here and reality is likely to be more complicated.

Encouraging the OP to really lean into the whole betrayed victim narrative isn't helping her and encouraging acrimony doesn't help the kids.----

OP try not to let other posters encourage you to be spiteful by not letting the kids see their dad at Christmas. The bitter strangers are not the ones who will be on the receiving end when he does the same to you, or having it put before a court as evidence of bad behaviour on your part. It's not "playing happy families" it's a dad seeing his kids.
It's no reflection on you that he's left. You don't need to demonise him. He just wasn't happy. It takes guts to call time on a marriage. No-one wants to be left and it is very hard, so you need to look after yourself and not get drained by unnecessary acrimony.
It would be much worse had he pretended everything was fine over Christmas then dumped you straight afterwards.

Depending on what the children knew or had an inkling of, this will be very new and raw to them and they will be in shock. They are no doubt reeling in the face of their new reality and at this time of year it will feel especially painful. It must be incredibly hard for @BarnabyRocks at the moment, trying to deal with her own pain, adjusting to her own new reality whilst trying to be strong and reassure her children at the same time.
It’s easy from the outside to think we know what’s best from our armchairs then go back to our lives, OP is living every minute of this, it’s her actual life.
@BarnabyRocks whilst protecting yourself and being proactive for your future, I would let Christmas unfold, pick where you want to be, discuss it with the children and then tell him what you and the children have planned and are going to do. If the children want to plan time in to see him, tell him when that is going to be, then do as you all wish. As tempting and natural as it might be to want him to suffer, it should never be at their expense. I have seen this play out in my career and nobody ever ‘wins’ in this scenario and the very worst affected are always the ones who didn’t choose it and had no say in the matter and no power over what to do about any of it. Your children will feel like their life is out of control and having a voice and a choice will reassure them that they matter in this situation and that their needs are taken into consideration.
I think seeing your children getting the most out of what will be a difficult Christmas will gladden your heart that you did the right thing and however he behaves going forward, you will never want anyone, especially your children, to reproach you later for vindictive behaviour.
To me you sound like the last person who would do this, but there’s a lot of egging on going on here which will only do damage long term.
Christmas is a short season which will be over and then it will be easier to find your new normality and routine.
I’m no affair apologist, I’m with Dante on the separate circle of hell for betrayers, but sometimes being an adult is really hard and really unfair and you do have no choice but to gag down one more shit sandwich from life’s buffet to avoid harming the innocent.
It sucks, it’s unjust and might make you feel like smashing up the kitchen but it’s the right thing to do. I’ve done things on occasion that have really stuck in my throat for my kids and I don’t regret it.
For now I’d take it a day at a time and prioritise yourself and your children, he must fit in around you since the difficulties you all face are all because of his own selfish choices.

Did you read any of the OP's first post? Their marriage sounds like a prison sentence. Nothing to do with "lust". He has done her a favour.
He's probably said to himself many times "one last Christmas for the kids."

As said, you need to try really hard to see past the infidelity, it’s clearly triggering you to such an extent you can’t absorb what else the op has said. I hope you find some peace in whatever has happened to you, but I’d advise stepping away from the thread if you can’t cope.

@Franklyannoyed I think it’s you that’s getting triggered if anyone doesn’t have an opinion that coincides with your own.

@Tartanboots and @Franklyannoyed I have read all the updates from the op including the first one. She doesn’t believe the relationship was “dead in the water”. - that’s your opinion and not a fact. But really ladies, this man is showing little regard for his dc. Within a week of him leaving he is letting them down - his new shiny life is their priority. So if that is the case, why give him more opportunities to let the children down? I don’t understand your logic but you seem to want to say anyone that is anti infidelity is “triggered”.

I haven't said anyone is triggered. Her husband has left to live on his own. There is no need for her to weaponise the children. It is cruel to all of them. She has enough on her plate without doing that.
I think some people do have odd views on marriage, it's only a happy/ tolerable one if both are happy/ content to soldier on. Saying "but we were happy" is just not true, if one person has left. They were not. Their experience is valid too. No-one wants to be left, there is never a good time or a good enough reason, if you don't want them to go. It's shit.

I find it annoying when people say 'don't tell the husband' etc -- why shouldn't she if she wants to, even if it is petty? I think it's fine to do a few revenge things like that.

The OP says she doesn't believe the marriage was dead in the water, but read her first post again. It sounds horrific. She admits they have been unhappy for years, that there have been long periods of mutual recriminations and sulking, that she can't stand to be touched or intimate. She has acknowledged that her husband has felt unloved and unsupported by her and she felt the same by him. Why would anyone want to stay in this utterly miserable situation?

Infidelity is obscuring the reality here. This was a profoundly unhappy marriage and even if the OP wanted to keep working on it, the husband no longer did. He was unhappy and he no longer loves her, or at least is no longer in love with her. It is very sad, especially for the children, and ideally it would never have got to this point. But now divorce seems inevitable and the best thing the OP can do is focus on her children and on moving forward as civilly as possible. Encouraging her to dwell on the other woman or to use her children as weapons is not helpful.

honestly reverting to the I know I am and what are you, is just childish,

the op doesn’t need to weaponise her children, seek revenge on her husband, be spiteful, make this harder that it was. This is not a simple case of he cheated and dumped the op. This is a marriage that’s long dead with two unhappy people and a man ending it to live on his own.

it is clear you and some other posters can’t get past the fact he’s feelings for someone else, and want the op to cause him as much pain as possible as a form of revenge for that, and to use her own children, on Xmas as well, to do it. To appease you.

and the rest of us are saying this isn’t ok. It is always hard when a marriage ends. And yes of course it’s hard to know he may have developed feelings for someone else after years of being unhappy and celibate. But it is not the be all and end all you are desperately trying to make it, not in this story, and it is certainly not something she should seek revenge by using her own children as weapons on Xmas day for.

To be clear I’m not saying weaponise the children. However it might be good for the children and op to be at her brothers. No old painful memories. The reality of what will happen is the ex h will come on Xmas day, be checking his phone while with the kids then leave for his new family. How is that good for the kids? I don’t want to comment and detail derail.

. From my viewpoint my Xmas and new years is rotated with ExH. That way kids don’t have a mish mash of a day otherwise would be spent in a car or eating 2 festive dinners. I wouldn’t weaponise my own kids so why would I encourage someone else to?

Hes left the op as the main parental carer. She needs to be looking after her mental health to take good care of her children. So letting him yo-yo in and out of their lives is not good here. The husband isn’t my concern or priority.

You don't know that the husband will come and be on his phone. The children will likely want to see their father on Christmas Day and the OP should do her best to facilitate that.

There is plenty of time for OP and her ex to discuss arrangements for the day and hopefully they can arrive at something that works for everyone.

It’s just happened, it is not an old memory, look I mean this gently, it is clear your own situation is driving your responses and whether you can see it or not, you’re urging her to go scorched earth and weaponise her children,

im sorry your marriage ended and I’m sure you managed that as best as could be, and I’m also sure they will get to altnernate Xmas;s. But a few weeks after it happens is not the time.

I agree with a PP that you should seriously think about going to your brother's or your friend's.

Your ex right now is flaking and refusing to make plans. His refusal to do so gives you the leeway to make your own plans. I don't think you can count on him to show and you need to plan accordingly. A change of scene gets them out of the house and something to look forward to and a distraction from their dad flaking on them.

In the near future, you're going to have to sit down and hammer out custody and holidays and all that.

I think this sums up the different camps.

Camp 1..put you first, punish him. Go to your brothers. Don’t let the kids see their own father.

Camp 2. put the kids first,try to make it as normal as possible as it’s just happened, enable your kids to see both parents.

Infidelity drives some people loopy.

@Franklyannoyed thanks for your sympathy but not needed. I am happily engaged and I pulled the plug on my marriage without cheating on someone else.

as @outerspacepotato has said, the ex is behaving in a flaky way and that’s the main reason for my position. Christmas is a red herring here. It’s one day. There is more important stuff for the op to think about.

He is a grown man. He can arrange his own times to see his DC and follow through with those times. He left the home and doesn't get to come back unless OP wants him there. It is on him to have a suitable place for his kids to see him. OP owes him nothing and isn't weaponizing her children by not facilitating his parenting. He needs to get his priorities straight and make a plan for his DC. Right now he won't commit to anything and that is the worst possible thing for children. He took away their stability already. He needs to give them something back. It is on him.

At this point, with him already messing about with his promises to see DC, then changing, just do what you feel will be best for You & the children. He may just flunk out again on Xmas day, or come over for a hour of presents, then jolly off to OW.
I personally would not be providing the whole Trad Xmas lunch
Your kids will be happier on Xmas day at your brothers, with family they know, & not hurting due to their father’s desertion

You really are not in a position to decide where her kids will be happier. That’s going too far.

So sorry this happened to you OP.

I had what you could probably call an EA with a colleague last year. I was blindsided by it, didn’t expect it to happen, just totally fell for the guy like an idiot. DH found out when reading through my phone a few months ago. He was devastated, I thought our marriage was wrecked. Worked really hard to save it, had counselling and come out of the other side.

Your DH clearly doesn’t want to salvage your marriage which is heartbreaking for you. Rest assured his new relationship with the OW will not last, I mean I’d put money on this anyway. It was built on the excitement of being fresh and exciting- a bit of a thrill away from their marriages. Once that thrill goes and they’re left navigating two broken homes with devastated kids either side, it won’t feel so wonderful. Very few relationships which start as affairs last because of this. He’ll end up alone eventually, as will she. It’s all really silly.

I don't think you can confidently predict this. The new relationship may well not last but that doesn't mean the ex was wrong to end this marriage. Both of them were deeply unhappy. This way maybe they can both eventually be friends again and form new, healthier relationships.

Somehow I doubt the OP would agree if he said wanted the kids to go to his new home on Christmas Day. Next year they can sort all this out well in advance but this year it seems most sensible to let him visit.

I don't think going to her brother's or her friend's is about punishing her STBX. It's about him flaking and refusing to commit to yes, I will be there from x to x on Xmas day. It's the second week of Dec. She's got stuff to do. He's not reliable.

If STBX can't commit to see his children on Xmas, OP needs to make other plans and not wait around in case he shows up.

If he doesn't show, or only spends a little bit of time with them, that's what is going to hurt those kids. Not her taking them somewhere they can enjoy and drop the hurt for a little bit and not have their dad's flakiness ruin their holiday.