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Original poster

Husband has left, Emotional Affair with Colleague, Can I save this?

358 replies

BarnabyRocks · 04/12/2025 07:06

Husband of 14 years left 3 weeks ago, just told me he'd had enough, was unhappy, wanted to end it. Up and left to go stay with his sister, totally blindsided and devastated. We haven't been happy in our relationship for years, we have 2 young children and I have been in the trenches as it were with them, he has been head down, concentrating on his business. I have done the lion share of the care/parenting/house etc, you know the drill, working part time around their needs, feeling like I'm drowning or on a constant treadmill. We have no support from parents either side. This has caused resentments over the years with very few concessions from him, or admitting he should help more. He has been working extremely hard on his business, has had periods of burnout and dizzy spells and had reluctantly admitted (since he left) that he had been focussing on this and not us. I will admit we have had a dreadful communication style between us, with me pleading for help at times, him being defensive and dismissive, sulking on both sides then very little repair, just a gradually going back to normal after a few weeks, he has ot slightly better over time, helping a bit more, but it wasn't enough and he has said he felt that whatever he did was never good enough. I have been carrying lots of 'scars' from when I have felt let down and unsupported by him, he I think has felt unloved by me. On top of the communication style, I have been going through the menopause with all of the dreadful symptoms, including not wanting to be touched or intimate. He knew this but I admit I had been keeping a lot of how I was feeling to myself, as is my style plus through almost burnout myself, and just getting my head down and getting on with the jobs that needed doing.

My 2 kids are traumatised by him leaving, we have just been getting by. In his leaving speech to me,after some pressure from me, he admitted he has declared feelings for a married colleague and she has told him the same, that she is also leaving an unhappy marriage with her 3 children, he has assured me that nothing physical has happened but I'm not convinced. They are going to be at the same event together next week for 2 days/1 night. He knows I know this, it has been planned for 6 months, a work thing. He keeps saying 'nothing has happened', 'I haven't gone behind your back', but I think, as he's already told me he wants out and has left, that mentally he will think if something happens physically, that that won't be cheating. I'm not sure how I am going to cope with these two days, knowing they will be together. I still love him, I still want to try to work things out. We are in a dreadful place. We talked 2 days ago, the first time properly since he left, both admitting how we had been feeling for years and it turns out he thought I had been treating him like a doormat and I thought the exact same of him, we just hadn't been expressing it to each other or accepting each others feelings. Although I have tried in the past, this would, I felt, fall on deaf ears.

He has said his reason for ending it has got nothing to do with the other woman, and is purely because he is so unhappy in our relationship. That it is just a coincidence that she is also leaving at the same time..

How can I tell him not to take that step next week when they are together, and do anything physical with her? Should I? I know this will appear like I'm begging him but I love him and I cannot bear the thought of him kissing or being with another person. If I don't say anything, I think he will take that as my knowing he is going to do something anyway, that because he's already told me he's leaving, he can do it with a clearer conscience. I want him back, or at the very least, I want him to not take that step with her, so we can work on our relationship, even if it's just so we can not damage it further, but I don't know if me telling him that will push him further away?

OP posts:
MrsCompayson · 04/12/2025 09:36

Thewookiemustgo · 04/12/2025 09:25

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you.
He is and has been having an affair, you are right that nobody leaves a marriage or suddenly declares feelings for somebody overnight and upends their lives.
Do not listen or buy into the things he is saying which blame you and the marriage.
Your marriage has a 50/50 responsibility, he has to take 50% of the blame for the state of it as do you.
The affair, however, is 100% his fault and his responsibility, not yours at all, he could have been honest with you but chose to cheat instead. Emotional affairs are also cheating. He is leaving because of his OW, because of his affair, not because of you. He wants to blame you and the marriage because then he can feel justified about the disgusting way he is treating you and his children and free himself from the guilt and shame of it.
Waste no time on beating yourself up or feeling like you were not enough for him or that she is better than you. He is clearly not enough for you and has betrayed you and his children, and that is all, yes, ALL on him. She is also a dishonest person upending her family over an affair and therefore of course she’s not a better woman than you, she’s no loyal wife and mother like you are, she’s far beneath you.
Cheating is a choice. There are zero excuses for infidelity, nobody has to be unfaithful no matter how ‘unhappy’ they are. Truth and an effort to repair should have been his choices, not chasing other women. Shame on both of them devastating two families and five children. Hold your head high, you have stayed ‘in the trenches’ and he is a cowardly, selfish deserter.
Please, please, although this is so, so hard when you are in shock and in pain (I know there is no pain like this, they say only the death of a child feels worse) protect yourself. Protect your health by feeding yourself properly, even if you can only sip soup at present, and protect your family by getting financial stuff sorted and get to a solicitor asap.
I know you want to salvage this, and I understand why, but at present he doesn’t want to salvage this, he wants to leave, and may have been planning this for a while, so try with all your strength (believe me I know this is a big ask because of how you feel right now) to get to that solicitor.
Until he is saying to you he’s made a terrible mess of his life and wants back in, there is absolutely nothing to salvage here. He’s mid-affair and can’t see the wood for the trees, you might as well try to reason with next door’s cat. Don’t spend time puzzling about “how could he do this?” or wishing he’d come to his senses, at present let him do him, he’s a different person at present, people in affairs have lied to themselves as well as you, he has a well-worn false internal narrative that persuades him that he’s right, he’s justified, he deserves it, his OW is sone kind of saviour. It’s bollocks.
She isn’t, she’s just his mistress, just another normal woman who is telling him everything he wants to hear and is no doubt justifying her appalling behaviour in the same way. Their similar circumstances are feeding each other’s need to be victims, not perpetrators so at present they are locked in their ‘us against the world’ mentality, ignoring the fact that the world isn’t against them unjustly, the world is against lying, manipulating, betraying, dishonest cheats.
So don’t listen any more or plead or try to reason with him, it won’t work at present, it genuinely is a total waste of time, he’s on another planet and fighting desperately to be right in the middle of doing something very wrong.
The more you insist or plead, the more he digs this heels in. You being assertive and confident would totally blindside him and put him on the back foot. Tell him that whilst he has a mistress you don’t wish to communicate with him about anything other than the children. You won’t feel like it, but fake it ‘til you make it OP. It will be the last thing he expects and take away the power he thinks he has.
Take great care of yourself, try as hard as you can to get to that solicitor. You need protection.

This is good advice.

I am sorry this has happened to you. I hope you can find a way through. Best wishes.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 04/12/2025 09:37

I'm so sorry you are going through this - it will get better.

Your marriage is clearly dead. You both know it, his relationship with this woman is a symptom not a cause.

Trying to go backwards won't work, and even if it did, it wouldn't last.

It sounds like the two of you communicated well on how had both felt during the marriage. Build on this to co-parent well. Don't start asking him to come back, it's not happening and it will make it harder for you to move forward together.

Pull all your financials and see a layer so you know where you are likely to be financially. Try to reach an amicable agreement via mediation. It sounds like you are going to continue to do most of the parenting so you need good financial support from him - if you focus on moving forward amicably you are more likely to achieve this without rancour. (if he acts like an arsehole then change tactics and go in tough - do not disadvantage yourself financially.)

Help you kids accept this new reality but accepting it yourself. The kids will be fine. It will all get better, just give it time.

ComfortFoodCafe · 04/12/2025 09:39

Op, i mean this kindly but hes already gone, your marriage is finished. You cant tell him what to do/not to do anymore. Its done.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 04/12/2025 09:43

If OW has no bearing on his decision to leave why did he mention her? He's softening you up.
It's a horrible situation to face but now is the time to appear indifferent. You've said your piece so it's up to him how he proceeds. I think you know what he's planning...
Get yourself sorted with a good divorce lawyer and take him to the cleaners

GloriaMonday · 04/12/2025 09:48

I really dislike it when someone misuses the word disinterested, @Franklyannoyed . It means impartial not bored by.

Cucy · 04/12/2025 09:49

How can I tell him not to take that step next week when they are together, and do anything physical with her?

He is not going to listen to you.
He has already made up his mind.

What if he says ok I won’t do anything with her - would you actually believe him.

Why are you clinging on to a relationship that doesn’t work?

You cannot stop him from doing anything with her. You are officially not in a relationship with him anymore.
Asking him not to do anything is not going to make a difference.

My heart breaks for you but this is out of your control.

Instead of clinging on to something that isn’t working, use this as the final sign to let go and start living life again.

Outside9 · 04/12/2025 09:50

GloriaMonday · 04/12/2025 09:48

I really dislike it when someone misuses the word disinterested, @Franklyannoyed . It means impartial not bored by.

disinterested
adjective
1.
not influenced by considerations of personal advantage.
"a banker is under an obligation to give disinterested advice"
2.
having or feeling no interest in something; uninterested.
"her father was so disinterested in her progress that he only visited the school once"

Good day to learn that words can have multiple meanings.

GloriaMonday · 04/12/2025 09:50

@BarnabyRocks , don't contact the OW or her husband. Don't try to stop them.
The affair is probably in full flow already. He's gone.
Look after yourself and your children. See a divorce solicitor.

Outside9 · 04/12/2025 09:53

OP, I would hesit\ate before taking any further advice from MN.

The road your on, is one that Users often guide those seeking relationship advice to.

It sounds like you've both pulled away from each other over the years. The natural transition at this point is to walk away.

GloriaMonday · 04/12/2025 09:53

@outside,
Disinterested: Refers to someone who is impartial or neutral, often in a decision-making context. For example, a disinterested judge is unbiased and does not have a personal stake in the outcome.

Uninterested: Indicates a lack of interest or concern in a subject or activity. For instance, if someone is uninterested in a movie, they simply do not care to watch it.

BlackSwan · 04/12/2025 09:55

He's not telling you it's just emotional affair to spare your feelings.

He wants to avoid the judgment of friends and family (including your own children) because he knows he's fucked up and this is indefensible.

What a craven little liar he is.

Outside9 · 04/12/2025 09:57

GloriaMonday · 04/12/2025 09:53

@outside,
Disinterested: Refers to someone who is impartial or neutral, often in a decision-making context. For example, a disinterested judge is unbiased and does not have a personal stake in the outcome.

Uninterested: Indicates a lack of interest or concern in a subject or activity. For instance, if someone is uninterested in a movie, they simply do not care to watch it.

You are wrong. Disinterested has two meanings. Look it up. It's right there in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Being wrong strong is a bit weird when you can google it 10secs.

ThatCyanCat · 04/12/2025 09:59

BarnabyRocks · 04/12/2025 08:22

Thank you everyone for the comments so far. It is extremely painful for me to read what I know are honest responses.
He does deserve to be happy, we both do. I thought/hoped things would improve. I take responsibility for not improving it in the past, I have tried to broach this in my own way, but don't feel like it was accepted by him, he does have a quite dismissive attitude towards house work/parenting (he absolutely disputes this, has been adamant for years that he thought he contributed 50/50, still does maintain this, when it has been more like 90-10% at times).

I suppose I am trying to start again or try to re-start our relationship, because I think (I know this is a stage of grief) it can be better and also because of the damage it is causing to the children. I know I am being desperate but I feel desperate. I have booked a counselling appointment.
Finances- I am on it, looking into those, he saying everything is declared/he has been upfront about it all.

I have said he must think I am stupid to believe 'nothing has happened' between them, I have pressed and pressed on this and asked him to tell the truth. I have said all of the things to him mentioned above, such as no-one leaves a marriage on the strength of one telephone conversation, but he is insistent 'nothing has happened and that he is leaving becuase of us, it's just a coincidence that she is also leaving her husband at the same time... yeah right.

Part of me wants to speak to her or her husband, so she knows the devastation this is causing. I know how to contact her, I also want to tell her husband what has been going on for a what I think is a very long time. Should I do that? Even just to get it off my chest? I worry if I do that it will drive them closer together.
I am aware of how pathetic I sound, I need all the advice/help i can get.

You don't sound at all pathetic, you sound like you're in agony and I'm really sorry for what you're going through.

I don't think speaking to either of them is a good idea though. You'd be doing it banking on a particular reaction from them that would make you feel better, and I think it's unlikely you'd get that reaction. But I definitely think you should get counselling and call upon your support network. You absolutely deserve to be happy and when the smoke clears, you will be.

rainbowsparkle28 · 04/12/2025 10:00
  1. you cannot control someone’s actions, if he wants to make things physical he will, you will not stop that unfortunately. I am also sceptical of him insisting is just emotional, but that’s another matter.
  2. why do you want him back?! Aside from him having feelings for someone else, you have said by your own admission it hasn’t been a happy marriage for a while now, what kind of a lifetime is that staying with someone where you aren’t actually happy?! Know your worth and focus on finding someone decent (if you want to be in a relationship that is).
LoveSandbanks · 04/12/2025 10:00

He’s shown you who he is and he’s someone that opts out rather than putting effort in. He’s no prize.

Hes put himself first rather than looking at what would be best for the children. If he was unhappy he could have gone to counselling etc and put work in but he opted out. He’s weak and a coward. In time, you’ll realise that he was never the husband you deserved. Much love ❤️

Linenpickle · 04/12/2025 10:06

Your relationship is well and truly dead. You need to get your ducks in a row for separation and divorce. Go through any paperwork you have to get copies of accounts, pensions etc. start thinking about yourself and your kids, not your now ex.

GloriaMonday · 04/12/2025 10:08

I'm not wrong @Outside9 . The words have distinct meanings. If you wish to discuss it further, start a thread in Pedants' corner. Inthe meantime, do a search on 'disintersted vs uninterested'.

fucit · 04/12/2025 10:09

It’s really difficult. On the one hand, I generally think that if you’ve been married for 14 years and have 2 children, then sometimes those marriages are worth fighting hard for and sometimes can be saved.

On the other hand, it sounds a bit more than just the affair. It sounds like communication was poor, there was no intimacy, household jobs were not shared well etc. The only thing that was going well was the children. They were having a very good upbringing primarily due to your hands on work. They will suffer because their very nice environment is going to change. I do think the 50:50 comment was strange from him and wonder if it’s to avoid paying maintenance. 50:50 doesn’t sound best for your children as he’s hardly spent time with them, and having been very settled and happy in the family home, they will need to go between homes - not just for a weekend, but for larger chunks of time,
or very frequently.

I also think he’s heading for a bit of a dumpster fire if he ends up moving in with her, or even just seeing her. She has 3 kids, presumably teens, who could be exceptionally resentful of their family breakup and could blame your dh - they’ll have full understanding of the situation. And I doubt they want a pair of new younger step siblings. It sounds like he’s already well into an affair with her and I would say very likely it’s got physical. Like others have said, you don’t blow apart the homes of 5 children willy nilly.

Overall I think that it might be best for you to try to see a way forwards without him. The OW is pretty much irrelevant in your process - I wouldn’t contact her.

Outside9 · 04/12/2025 10:11

GloriaMonday · 04/12/2025 10:08

I'm not wrong @Outside9 . The words have distinct meanings. If you wish to discuss it further, start a thread in Pedants' corner. Inthe meantime, do a search on 'disintersted vs uninterested'.

Really no need when the confirmation you're wrong is so widely available.

www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/disinterested

80smonster · 04/12/2025 10:11

I’d lead with practical questions/actions:

  1. locate details of other assets apart from home - value £
  2. do any decorating/last minute things that need to be done to house and invite x 3 estate agents to value with view to listing in new year
  3. ask for details of your DH’s pensions and locate details of yours
  4. if you have the money to do so, make a meeting with a solicitor (with details above in hand) and discuss your position
  5. when you’ve done everything on this list, call a meeting with DH and ask if he can provide his solicitors details so the two may liaise regarding the settlement owed
  6. fill out the E1 form
  7. Confirm the 50/50 split and tell him it starts today, this is what he has asked for, so give it to him.

Clearly and calmly spell out the serious financial implications for everyone. The relationship between he and his colleague is unlikely to last, as the repercussions play out it will become less and less sexy. Think of the weekends that they would have x 5 kids to look after between them. Sound like fun to you?

AnonAnonmystery · 04/12/2025 10:13

Let’s see how rosy it is in real life when he’s living with the ow and her three kids!
I am disgusted by your husband and very sorry for you and the children x

Starlight1984 · 04/12/2025 10:16

CharlotteLightandDark · 04/12/2025 07:09

The marriage sounds well and truly dead to me.
you’re just panicking because of the sudden change/loss which is normal but after a while you’ll see that it’s probably for the best that it ends because it sounds like you’ve both been miserable for years.

Edited

Absolutely this.

OP, I know you're upset / panicking / worried but please don't contact the OW (or her husband). It will just cause you more upset, more drama and the end result will be exactly the same.

Read your own post back. You have said you've been unhappy for years. Why would you even want to go back to that?!

Citrusbergamia · 04/12/2025 10:17

Ah I'm sorry OP; it sounds as though the relationship is over and you need to face the future and move on.

Whilst it's tempting to call the OW out, the satisfaction of it won't last long and could have repercussions further down the line so I wouldn't think about doing this.

As for your STBXH, sorry but utter bollox he hasn't slept with her. Of course he has. And he will on this work thing they've got coming up. Sadly this story is as old as time.

It'll be hard but you'll get fantastic advice from people on here; I hope you have people to support you in real life.

Ansjovis · 04/12/2025 10:17

The best thing for you is to focus on your children at this time. Please don't do the "pick me dance" because the best outcome is that you'll look back in a few years and cringe and at worst they'll both be laughing at you. You're worth so much more than that.

Dweetfidilove · 04/12/2025 10:21

I think so often we become so accustomed and committed to the misery and dysfunction of holding a relationship together, that when the other person calls time, we are somehow blindsided (affronted) they've had the gall to do so. Even though his bravado has been spurred on by a new love interest.

I am sorry you've been left devastated OP, but what you describe was a miserable and unsustainable marriage to a man who had no interest in you, the children or repairing the marriage. It will be some time yet, but you'll hopefully emerge stronger, happier and relieved this burden has been lifted from your life. You deserve to be loved, cared for and respected. There's no point even playing the disengaged, confident game with this man who has seen you at breaking for so long and not cared. He deserves none of your efforts.

Look after yourself and your children, and I hope you have the means to engage a good solicitor who can help you come out of this as best as possible.

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