Husband has left, Emotional Affair with Colleague, Can I save this?

[BarnabyRocks]

Husband of 14 years left 3 weeks ago, just told me he'd had enough, was unhappy, wanted to end it. Up and left to go stay with his sister, totally blindsided and devastated. We haven't been happy in our relationship for years, we have 2 young children and I have been in the trenches as it were with them, he has been head down, concentrating on his business. I have done the lion share of the care/parenting/house etc, you know the drill, working part time around their needs, feeling like I'm drowning or on a constant treadmill. We have no support from parents either side. This has caused resentments over the years with very few concessions from him, or admitting he should help more. He has been working extremely hard on his business, has had periods of burnout and dizzy spells and had reluctantly admitted (since he left) that he had been focussing on this and not us. I will admit we have had a dreadful communication style between us, with me pleading for help at times, him being defensive and dismissive, sulking on both sides then very little repair, just a gradually going back to normal after a few weeks, he has ot slightly better over time, helping a bit more, but it wasn't enough and he has said he felt that whatever he did was never good enough. I have been carrying lots of 'scars' from when I have felt let down and unsupported by him, he I think has felt unloved by me. On top of the communication style, I have been going through the menopause with all of the dreadful symptoms, including not wanting to be touched or intimate. He knew this but I admit I had been keeping a lot of how I was feeling to myself, as is my style plus through almost burnout myself, and just getting my head down and getting on with the jobs that needed doing.

My 2 kids are traumatised by him leaving, we have just been getting by. In his leaving speech to me,after some pressure from me, he admitted he has declared feelings for a married colleague and she has told him the same, that she is also leaving an unhappy marriage with her 3 children, he has assured me that nothing physical has happened but I'm not convinced. They are going to be at the same event together next week for 2 days/1 night. He knows I know this, it has been planned for 6 months, a work thing. He keeps saying 'nothing has happened', 'I haven't gone behind your back', but I think, as he's already told me he wants out and has left, that mentally he will think if something happens physically, that that won't be cheating. I'm not sure how I am going to cope with these two days, knowing they will be together. I still love him, I still want to try to work things out. We are in a dreadful place. We talked 2 days ago, the first time properly since he left, both admitting how we had been feeling for years and it turns out he thought I had been treating him like a doormat and I thought the exact same of him, we just hadn't been expressing it to each other or accepting each others feelings. Although I have tried in the past, this would, I felt, fall on deaf ears.

He has said his reason for ending it has got nothing to do with the other woman, and is purely because he is so unhappy in our relationship. That it is just a coincidence that she is also leaving at the same time..

How can I tell him not to take that step next week when they are together, and do anything physical with her? Should I? I know this will appear like I'm begging him but I love him and I cannot bear the thought of him kissing or being with another person. If I don't say anything, I think he will take that as my knowing he is going to do something anyway, that because he's already told me he's leaving, he can do it with a clearer conscience. I want him back, or at the very least, I want him to not take that step with her, so we can work on our relationship, even if it's just so we can not damage it further, but I don't know if me telling him that will push him further away?

It is standard for people to be having affairs to not want to look bad in other people’s eyes. Hence the desperate attempts to make you believe the new woman is nothing to do with him leaving.
Won’t be easy for them blowing up two marriages and factoring in three children. But they are in that stage where it’s all exciting and new and they have saved each other and all that.
You can do precisely nothing at this point except get selfish and look after yourself and the children. Stay strong. Don’t beg. It’s good he’s planning to move out. Gives you space to plan.
I don’t suppose he’s thought as far as what he will be doing about custody and access. But you can generally look forward to him having them occasionally so you will get that break. If you’re menopausal how old are DC?

I’m so sorry, this sounds so hard. But I think you should focus on you and the kids and not him. It sounds to me that the person you feel you are in love with is the man he once was or had the potential to be. But he is not that person (maybe never was?) and certainly has not been that man for years. You are afraid to lose the idea of what could have been but his actions show he is so far past that. He is delusional if he thinks he and this woman are going to walk into the sunset and live happily ever after when five children are involved. You need to focus on building yourself up so you can advocate well for you and your kids during any separation process. I know the thought of that must make you feel sick but that’s the thing to brace yourself for. He’s already made choices and you need to make choices that put you and your kids first as that is clearly not his priority. You are worth more than this. And you will get through it. Best wishes x

Couldn’t have said this better myself.

I'm 49, the kids are 8 and 10.
They are brilliant kids, they have had so much so much love and attention from me, and the steady presence of their dad their hole lives, plus a massive extended family on both sides. They are truly devastated. There was at times general low-level bickering in front of them at times, but I honestly believe they have been extremely happy. He said on the day he left that he wants 50/50 custody. Apart from a one of two weekends a yeay when I might've gone away overnight, he's hardly spent that much one on one time with them and they are a handful. Interestingly, he hasn't mentioned wanted them 50/50 since, so the reality might've kicked in.
Thank you for your reply, thank you everyone for your replies. I feel like I'm drowning, been awake since 1 am,

Don’t contact her or her husband, it won’t make you feel any better. She knows what she’s doing as she’s blowing up her own family as well. Keep your dignity.

Your marriage sounds like my first marriage which ended 30 years ago. I had become so used to the absolute misery of it that that was my normal and I couldn't see beyond it. I desperately wanted the status quo to continue even if it was utterly miserable in reality. My exhusband had started an affair with a 17 year old colleague ( we were both 30) and left in the September. I cried for weeks and lost weight I didn't really have to lose. It was awful. It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. My second marriage is world's apart from my first but the years as a single parent, although very hard, were so much easier without sharing a home with a man who desperately didn't want to be there and would invent reasons to go into work, go out for a bike ride blah blah just to be away from us. It will get better and your children will cope.Somethjng to bear in mind in the middle if all of this..... If your husband and the woman end up properly together he is going to find himself living with 3 children who are nothing to do with him and will probably hhgely resent him. That is going to put a slight dent in the romantic wonderment of his new relationship .

Focus on you and the children. Start divorce proceedings. Never beg to get him back. It doesn’t matter if they’ve had sex or not.(Id bet they have though) He’s having an affair.

Once the divorce is underway and he realises the financial implications, his new romance will not seem so rosey( same for her).
Agree with pp. Look up the Grey Rock technique and use that on him.

So he suggested 50/50 custody but hasn’t mentioned it since ? Interesting !
If you’re going to have the kids most of the time I’d push for a greater slice of the marital assets.

See a lawyer asap.

“He has said his reason for ending it has got nothing to do with the other woman, and is purely because he is so unhappy in our relationship. That it is just a coincidence that she is also leaving at the same time.”

I don’t believe this for a second. Both him and the other woman have got to a level of intimacy where they have declared their feelings for each other. Possibly he is being honourable (in his eyes), and leaving before anything physical has happened, but many people don’t realise the concept of an emotional affair, and term this as platonic as it’s not physical.

Could he be wanting 50:50 custody to save money?

wishing you all the best fir the future.

@BarnabyRocks this is horrible but I dont think there is anything to save. Contacting her/her DH wont change anything for the better.

Focus on the practical and on the basis that he has gone.

What age are her DCs? I wonder if he has thought about the reality. They may be blowing up two marriages for a pipe dream.

I expect that at some point his DSis is going to want him gone. At that point he may want to come back to the family home. How will that work? Is there a spare room for him to go to? If there is then a practical step could be to move his stuff into it now.

Your marriage sounds terrible, not sure why you'd want to continue begging, pleading and grovelling. It's not good for the DC or you.

Honestly, he checked out years ago and it just sounds totally miserable. If someone was haranguing me all the time, what's the point in continuing, I feel a bit sorry for both of you. He's left you deal with the kids (did he want them later in life?) and you've not supported him with his business, which is clearly a source of stress.

Sort your shit out, ducks flying high, get a grip.

He wont have thought any of this through properly because hes in the exciting phase. When my exhusband left he hadn't given a thought to anyone but himself and the pert little girlfriend. He just wanted out and hadn't realised that we wouldn't be stuck there , preserved in aspic, forever. Our lives would grow and improve and we would move onward and upward and make a very good life. I picked myself up and built something new. You will too. It will work out. He is in for a huge shock when reality hits. Especially if she has her children for 50% and he has his for the same %. Organising the lives of 5 children day after day after day , never mind paying for somewhere large enough to accommodate them, their needs, proximity to schools, finances and his and her wider families and their opinions on this situation will be more stressful than he could ever imagine.

Children are 8 and 10, hers are a bit older.
He's looking at a rental next week. She is apparently also moving into a rental, so he told me. Not the same one apparently, she lives some distance away.

Please don’t contact her or her H, it will make things worse.

Have you got a good friend or relative you can talk to in RL? You need a support system around you.

Your marriage isn’t salvageable. I’m sorry. It wasn’t doing well before the affair

It sounds like things have been limping on for a long time, and that he isn't interested in working on things with you (I'm sorry), but - based on fact you said that neither of you communicate well - maybe talk to him before this work trip and (if you're really wanting to not give up yet) just lay out clearly that you would like to properly work on things, and see what he says to that. I would be amazed if he's done nothing physical with this lady already, so be prepared for that: why two people would be prepared to risk completely chucking an H Bomb on their marriages, with multiple kids involved, after only "declaring feelings for each other" is beyond me.

I think though that things have run their course and you need to prepare yourself for that. For the time being, I'd get all your "ducks in row": gather info and get legal advice. List who does what re: around house and with kids etc. Also look at if there is any UC/benefits etc you're entitled to, cost of bills/rent/mortgage, plus council tax discount etc. If you guys do divorce, then at least you're prepared and have that info to hand. If he comes back, and works on marriage and everything turns out rosy, then at least you have the information and know what is what.

FWIW, XH and I separated in the January - this was after years of me trying to help him with his issues (addiction), and trying to shield his behaviours from the DC. We said that this would be the chance for him to work on the addictions and for us to work on the marriage, without any stressors (we had young DC at the time). Few weeks later - on Mothering Sunday actually - he told me he wouldn't be coming back. And within a week, I found out he was moving to a flat share (but he wouldn't tell me where or who with). In meantime, his then best mate had found out about OW, tore XH a new arsehole (the BF had been cheated on by his XP) and said that either XH tells me the truth, or he will. XH didn't tell me (only told me that he was moving into a flat share), so the BF did and ended their friendship. Once I knew about OW, I filed for divorce.

Hindsight is an amazing thing: I should have ended the marriage bloody years before all this crap happened, but I kept trying to fix it/hold things together and felt I'd be the failure if I didn't keep trying ("in sickness and in health" kept going through my head...oh and I loved him and wanted him to be the person I had married).

I wouldn't bother contacting the OW (you can if you want, but I'd get the info and file for divorce first): she knows what she's doing, and your "D"H also knows. They won't care, I promise you. Besides, your husband made the vows and promises to you, she didn't (I promise that I'm not excusing her in this). XH's OW was actually one of my friends. She knew we were married (she came to my hen do and the wedding), she knew about my DC, she knew it all, but she didn't give a shit. I told friends/family who he'd fucked off with, but that was that. About 4 months after they moved in together, they split up (it was bloody glorious as both came crying to me and I was able to tell them both exactly what I thought of them and where to go). He then tried to come back, and I told him where to go. I have nothing but contempt for both of them/their behaviours.

What I'd do in your situation? Prepare for being a single parent, get the info you need, stay cool/polite to him, speak to a solicitor, file for divorce. Don't flog a dead horse, don't beg/plead, look after yourself. I'm still single nearly 7yrs on and I wouldn't change that for the world. My DC were a lot more settled within weeks of him leaving, my home and my life are more peaceful .

You say you were blindsided but then go on to describe years of a loveless relationship where you are both at complete odds with another and that it went on like that for YEARS!

He has left you in his mind many years ago and has now physically left.

You are not clinging on to him as such but some kind of dream where it’s all hearts and roses and he will somehow magically transform into Prince Charming.

It’s not going to happen, the time to do something about the state of your marriage was at at the beginning when there were signs that the rot had started to set in and that was many years ago.

It is too late now, the horse had bolted and you need to focus on your well being and building a new life and future without him.

I’m so sorry but you are flogging a dead horse here. 💐

100%

I can see that this has been a massive shock and you're reeling and looking for someone to blame, understandably, but you didn't want him physically, he did not help you enough, you both didn't communicate, you bickered a lot etc. For years. It's not surprising he's given up.
You only want him now he's decided to leave. The time to save your marriage is in the rear view mirror now. Don't blame the other woman. Or yourself either.
Let him go with grace and don't make it any worse for the kids. You can't blame him for seeking a better life.

Ouch just so so painful OP I feel your pain reading this.

It's very easy for people on here to tell you to be completely brutal but I can imagine if this happened to me I would beg, plead, do everything to stop my husband making that final step of betraying me physically

One possibility is you could get him alone - (away from kids) - get childcare, and just say look - out of respect for me and our marriage - I am telling you - not to make this step without counselling. And then say - if you go and spend this time with her - we are over.

Do not let him think you will be there after that step happens - I. know you want to beg but it will be a better boundary if he has to face that absolute reality

Your children by the way will NOT be traumatised by the relationship ending - (my parents split very painfully when I was the age your kids are so Im speaking from experience)

What will traumatise them is your trauma - sorry I know thats painful to hear but children do get over and recover from family breakdown - they will feel pain yes but the 'trauma' will be in how they see it played out

Cry to other people, cry to your therapist - try to hold it together in front of your children. try to let them see you are coping however hard it might be - they can know and understand you are sad of course but try not to let them think you actually can't cope.

I also agree with others - that you have to have some self acceptance that you were not trying to fix this while he was still available to you.

rather than suddenly be filled with regret and shame - because you have lost him - try to really focus on the fact that he made you unhappy.

IF he was the right man for you = you wouldn't be in this position now.

Maybe write down all the ways he made you unhappy over the years and really try to focus on that.

He also isn't a good man if he is walking away and leaving you feeling humiliated like this without proper efforts to talk before he walks.

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you.
He is and has been having an affair, you are right that nobody leaves a marriage or suddenly declares feelings for somebody overnight and upends their lives.
Do not listen or buy into the things he is saying which blame you and the marriage.
Your marriage has a 50/50 responsibility, he has to take 50% of the blame for the state of it as do you.
The affair, however, is 100% his fault and his responsibility, not yours at all, he could have been honest with you but chose to cheat instead. Emotional affairs are also cheating. He is leaving because of his OW, because of his affair, not because of you. He wants to blame you and the marriage because then he can feel justified about the disgusting way he is treating you and his children and free himself from the guilt and shame of it.
Waste no time on beating yourself up or feeling like you were not enough for him or that she is better than you. He is clearly not enough for you and has betrayed you and his children, and that is all, yes, ALL on him. She is also a dishonest person upending her family over an affair and therefore of course she’s not a better woman than you, she’s no loyal wife and mother like you are, she’s far beneath you.
Cheating is a choice. There are zero excuses for infidelity, nobody has to be unfaithful no matter how ‘unhappy’ they are. Truth and an effort to repair should have been his choices, not chasing other women. Shame on both of them devastating two families and five children. Hold your head high, you have stayed ‘in the trenches’ and he is a cowardly, selfish deserter.
Please, please, although this is so, so hard when you are in shock and in pain (I know there is no pain like this, they say only the death of a child feels worse) protect yourself. Protect your health by feeding yourself properly, even if you can only sip soup at present, and protect your family by getting financial stuff sorted and get to a solicitor asap.
I know you want to salvage this, and I understand why, but at present he doesn’t want to salvage this, he wants to leave, and may have been planning this for a while, so try with all your strength (believe me I know this is a big ask because of how you feel right now) to get to that solicitor.
Until he is saying to you he’s made a terrible mess of his life and wants back in, there is absolutely nothing to salvage here. He’s mid-affair and can’t see the wood for the trees, you might as well try to reason with next door’s cat. Don’t spend time puzzling about “how could he do this?” or wishing he’d come to his senses, at present let him do him, he’s a different person at present, people in affairs have lied to themselves as well as you, he has a well-worn false internal narrative that persuades him that he’s right, he’s justified, he deserves it, his OW is sone kind of saviour. It’s bollocks.
She isn’t, she’s just his mistress, just another normal woman who is telling him everything he wants to hear and is no doubt justifying her appalling behaviour in the same way. Their similar circumstances are feeding each other’s need to be victims, not perpetrators so at present they are locked in their ‘us against the world’ mentality, ignoring the fact that the world isn’t against them unjustly, the world is against lying, manipulating, betraying, dishonest cheats.
So don’t listen any more or plead or try to reason with him, it won’t work at present, it genuinely is a total waste of time, he’s on another planet and fighting desperately to be right in the middle of doing something very wrong.
The more you insist or plead, the more he digs this heels in. You being assertive and confident would totally blindside him and put him on the back foot. Tell him that whilst he has a mistress you don’t wish to communicate with him about anything other than the children. You won’t feel like it, but fake it ‘til you make it OP. It will be the last thing he expects and take away the power he thinks he has.
Take great care of yourself, try as hard as you can to get to that solicitor. You need protection.

He's already shagged her.

Divorce.
I don't usually say this, these "battles" make my stomach turn, but take him for what you can and more.
Time to put yourself and your children first.

Yep, he clearly deserves to be punished even more for having the gall to leave a loveless sexless marriage, and losing his home in the process.