Husband has left, Emotional Affair with Colleague, Can I save this?

[BarnabyRocks]

Husband of 14 years left 3 weeks ago, just told me he'd had enough, was unhappy, wanted to end it. Up and left to go stay with his sister, totally blindsided and devastated. We haven't been happy in our relationship for years, we have 2 young children and I have been in the trenches as it were with them, he has been head down, concentrating on his business. I have done the lion share of the care/parenting/house etc, you know the drill, working part time around their needs, feeling like I'm drowning or on a constant treadmill. We have no support from parents either side. This has caused resentments over the years with very few concessions from him, or admitting he should help more. He has been working extremely hard on his business, has had periods of burnout and dizzy spells and had reluctantly admitted (since he left) that he had been focussing on this and not us. I will admit we have had a dreadful communication style between us, with me pleading for help at times, him being defensive and dismissive, sulking on both sides then very little repair, just a gradually going back to normal after a few weeks, he has ot slightly better over time, helping a bit more, but it wasn't enough and he has said he felt that whatever he did was never good enough. I have been carrying lots of 'scars' from when I have felt let down and unsupported by him, he I think has felt unloved by me. On top of the communication style, I have been going through the menopause with all of the dreadful symptoms, including not wanting to be touched or intimate. He knew this but I admit I had been keeping a lot of how I was feeling to myself, as is my style plus through almost burnout myself, and just getting my head down and getting on with the jobs that needed doing.

My 2 kids are traumatised by him leaving, we have just been getting by. In his leaving speech to me,after some pressure from me, he admitted he has declared feelings for a married colleague and she has told him the same, that she is also leaving an unhappy marriage with her 3 children, he has assured me that nothing physical has happened but I'm not convinced. They are going to be at the same event together next week for 2 days/1 night. He knows I know this, it has been planned for 6 months, a work thing. He keeps saying 'nothing has happened', 'I haven't gone behind your back', but I think, as he's already told me he wants out and has left, that mentally he will think if something happens physically, that that won't be cheating. I'm not sure how I am going to cope with these two days, knowing they will be together. I still love him, I still want to try to work things out. We are in a dreadful place. We talked 2 days ago, the first time properly since he left, both admitting how we had been feeling for years and it turns out he thought I had been treating him like a doormat and I thought the exact same of him, we just hadn't been expressing it to each other or accepting each others feelings. Although I have tried in the past, this would, I felt, fall on deaf ears.

He has said his reason for ending it has got nothing to do with the other woman, and is purely because he is so unhappy in our relationship. That it is just a coincidence that she is also leaving at the same time..

How can I tell him not to take that step next week when they are together, and do anything physical with her? Should I? I know this will appear like I'm begging him but I love him and I cannot bear the thought of him kissing or being with another person. If I don't say anything, I think he will take that as my knowing he is going to do something anyway, that because he's already told me he's leaving, he can do it with a clearer conscience. I want him back, or at the very least, I want him to not take that step with her, so we can work on our relationship, even if it's just so we can not damage it further, but I don't know if me telling him that will push him further away?

In fairness the marriage sounds like it was dead anyway. I'm not saying he didn't physically cheat but it also wouldn't be surprising if he left regardless.

From observing many a split...the best you can do is have him have the children weekends. it keeps childrens weekday routines going with mum and REALLY puts a dent into the ex's weekend with the new squeeze. Gadding around together sightseeing/trying new restuarants or long lazy sunday morning lie ins...all not going to happen. After a week of work/sleep he/they can have a full on weekend. Lots of children to look after . You on the other hand will get a weekend to relax and heal.x this type of arrangement is looked well upon in divorces as it is sooo reasonable to keep the children in a routine. :-)

@Outside9 , that's because men don't normally hop from a home an family to a cold bed in a bedsit. They leave the wife with the DC, spend a few night with a friend or relative then move in with the OW.

This thread is to help a woman who's husband is leaving her. Your attempts to shoehorn in support for men and malign women trying to help another woman who has been hurt by a man are misplaced. What you imagine would be said in entirely different circumstances is irrelevant here.

I’m afraid there is part of this I agree with, there is nothing wrong with leaving a marriage you’re really unhappy in, and the op is clear, they have both been unhappy for years. This could also explain his focus on work, not just for the financials, and he clearly has a good relationship with his children.

if the roles were reversed and it was the woman leaving she’d be told it was the right thing to do.

I think it’s likely he has cheated, but it is feasible he has not. It it is really not the issue here, this is a marriage that was very unhappy for both people that is ending. So trying to do it with as much respect for each other is the way forward. He’s told the op he’s feelings for someone else. Such honesty I’m not sure is wise, he’s said he hasn’t been intimate, I suspect that’s dishonest, but I don’t think at this point it matters, the feelings are. But he’s clear the marriage was unhappy and he’s leaving due to that, and the op is not disputing the marriage was unhappy.

no one needs to live miserable. No one needs to stay in a marriage that’s dead. And children can be managed and cared for, millions do it. They should never be weaponised, some posters are urging the op to make this as acrimonious as possible and at this stage I don’t think that’s sound advice.

she needs to focus on financials. The near term, the longer term, custody, living, etc, and stop focusing on him with any new partner. She can’t stop that. And it’s only causing her pain, the marriage is over, he’s moving out. Sorting the arrangements now is what’s key.

@5128gap it's an open forum, and my posts do not violate forum rules. You are not the the arbiter / determinant for what's relevant.

My guess is that he wants to leave himself the option of claiming that he hasn't actually cheated just in case she calls it off. That's why he's claiming its only an emotional affair.
He is playing to win, trying to leave his options open so that he gets the best outcome for himself.
@BarnabyRocks he is not your partner he is your opponent, and you should also be playing to win. Be strategic and make sure that you and your children are the winners.
Let him have the impression that you are falling apart and can't cope, but privately get everything organised and make sure that you out maneuver him.

You’re clutching at straws blaming other factors. He’s a cheat and he’s picked her.

Accept this and move forward.

Given his historical uselessness I actually kind of agree with this.

Get your head in the game now and start playing to win... my prediction is he will get nasty fast so you need to understand he is not your friend.

The "i want 50/50" (ie i begrudge maintainance for my own children) combined with he "handles the money..." rings big alarm bells for me.
This period is classically where they are remorseful and you can push through something reasonable financially if you are prompt and not too greedy.

He does not sound like going to offer a 70/30 or 65/35 split in your favour and will likely try and avoid even a 50/50... by hiding assets and / or lying

I would be quietly skimming some cash off day to day living for the next few months while working out where everything is kept in terms of assets... (you will likely need the cash once things get rough pre settlement)

My prediction is He is going to have no problem painting you as a cash stealing villian while shafting you financially as he will see you as blocking his "new life".

No, but as you say, it's an open forum and the same principles that entitle you to say something unhelpful and demeaning of the women on the site entitle me to tell you you're unhelpful and irrelevant. So we've both had our say.

If you genuinely want to rescue this relationship, and aren't simply clinging to the wreckage because you're afraid you'll drown otherwise, the best thing you can do is walk away. Chasing him and begging him won't restore your relationship, but it will make him more confident that he can always fall back on you if this new love doesn't work out.

Right now he's in the throes of a new romance and your feelings are not a priority for him. Right now, he doesn't love you. For your own sake you have to move forward into a life where you are thriving and happy without him.

When the gloss has worn off this new romance, saddled as it is with five kids, he may look at you blossoming in your new life of freedom and regret what he lost. That's the point at which he may suggest you try again. By then you need to have reached the point in your own life where you don't automatically say "Yes" simply because life with him is all you know. You can move forward and create new options for yourself, and I don't just mean romantically. Many good things await you in your future. I know, because I was in your exact shoes once. My life is great now. I wish you all the best of luck.

Thanks for your moot contribution, I guess

@Outside9 , do one.

This would be valid if they hadn’t been unhappy for years. But they have been. This is the clear differentiator. If it doesn’t work out with this woman, it is unlikely he will go back to an unhappy marriage.

Take your own advice x

My love... I have been in exactly the same place as you. Exactly. I could have written what you wrote.

So I know that me telling you to walk away with your head held high will fall on deaf ears, because I didn't. I, like you, was desperate to save the marriage, for the sake of our young son and also because our marriage was all I had ever known and I was petrified. I did everything I could to try and make my then-husband stay - but it takes two people to save a marriage, you both have to WANT to, and it has to be salvageable.

With all the love in the world, your marriage isn't. Your husband has mentally and physically checked out. And he may well realise the grass isn't greener - my ex-husband did - but I sincerely hope that, like me, you get to the point where you realise there's no going back, and so if he ever comes back to you expressing regret, you can share that regret (because it IS sad), but gently say that there's no going back.

My ex-husband married the woman he was having an affair with - like your husband, he denied it vehemently but his friends told me the truth. And bitterly regretted it. Was miserable for most of their marriage. It ended in divorce.

All I can say is, you will be fine. More than fine - you will be HAPPY. Free of a relationship that, for whatever reason, wasn't right for you. People change - especially when children are added to the mix. You either grow together, or you grow apart. You guys grew apart. It's really sad, but it happens.

You will be absolutely fine. You will discover that life is easier on your own when you're not resenting someone 24/7, even if practically there are some sticking points. You will be forced to expand your social circle or hobbies and actually discover a whole different you in there, that you didn't know was there and wouldn't have come out under the shelter/confinement of your marriage. You will - if you're like me - have a doomed, wildly romantic relationship with a devastatingly handsome, charming man who takes your breath away with his magnificence, and then marry a man who takes your breath away with his love and care and attentiveness.

But more importantly, your children will also be fine. It might not be what you planned for their future - and god knows I still hate that for my son - but he is FINE. He is just walking up the drive now coming home from college, sticking his tongue out at me and waving (my desk is in the window). He has a good relationship with his dad, and with me, and his step-dad, and his new step-mum. He's doing well at college. He's the happiest, sunniest person I know.

It will all be OK.

This bit is utterly SHIT.

In 6 months' time, you'll feel infinitely better.

You can do this. x

No, but she's quite right that it's pretty horrid to go into a thread by a woman who's reeling from her husband leaving her to complain that MN doesn't centre men enough for you.

Thank you so, so much for your reply, my kids are truly amazing and we have the best bond.

You ladies of Mumsnet are lifting me up today when I honestly thought I couldn't make it through 💔♥

I disagree. Not a complaint, just a perspective, and it wasn't the only thing I said.

You can do this op, you will be fine. Please ignore the two posters hijacking your thread to rudely argue with each other, you can report them, I haven’t, but it’s not ok.

Oh, there is always a poster that likes to make out a cheating husband is in the right. The inference is that the Op deserved to be cheated on. Nobody deserves a partner that starts up relationships outside of the marriage and then blames you for it.

Personally I think if I were considering leaving my spouse I'd want to make sure that we had tried everything to improve the relationship. Counselling for us both (together and individually) as a starting point and then a real determination to check in with each other. Otherwise it smacks of getting your head turned by someone else.

Op - you've had loads of good advice. Accept there is no turning back from this. He doesnt want to try. Eat. Multivitamins. Tell your siblings. Get a lawyer. Allow yourself to grieve.

You wont experience a straight line of progress, some times will be harder than others but December 2026 WILL feel a lot better. Hang on in there.

Don't forget that in your part time caring role looking after his kids, you've lost some pension contributions so ensure any settlement reflects that. Get the advice of a family solicitor asap.

If you have time, see a couple of solicitors practices for their half hour free sessions. Stops them representing him.

Open a separate bank account and secrete some money away as a rainy day fund where he can't immediately see who/what you're paying.

Look for further Ed opportunities as that could be counted as part of your settlement given your career's had to take the back seat in child raising years.

Op , I deal with divorces on a daily basis . Your marriage is gone , he doesn’t love you and he is already cheating . Put your ducks in a row financially and get support to you and your children and prepare for a divorce .
Very few men will leave their families unless they have another one waiting.

Want to know what your future could look like ?

You getting therapy and realising that you are better off without him.
Having time for yourself finally because he is forced to finally have the children.
You realising that you have neglected yourself for years for “the family”.
Having a moment of freedom when you finally don’t have to pick up his slack.
Your home becoming your sanctuary.
New hobbies and interests.
Meeting new friends and having a new relationship maybe.
Discovering that it wasn’t the menopause making you go off intimacy it was this awful relationship.
A girls holiday.
A him free holiday.
No more annoying in-laws or friends of his that drove you nuts.
No more supporting him aka sacrificing your own dreams for someone who is ultimately selfish.
Your kids growing up and admiring how strong their mummy is.

i promise in the future this could be the best thing that has ever happened to you. I highly recommend getting the financial settlement and child arrangements in early while he still feels guilty. They turn to cold stone when they realise the grass isn’t greener and want you back but sadly you are now happier than ever and never want them back. This is when the bitterness can set in for them once you are happy and they realise that they torpedoed their life for an imaginary future with someone else.

They are also her kids, she is not the nanny, do not treat her as such,