What’s really going on here, Miserable Husband Syndrome?

[MeadowsRed]

2 weeks ago I had to ask my husband what was wrong. He has been gradually disengaging from family life over the last couple of months and I had had enough. After much silence he told me he was not happy with life, and keeps feeling like he wants to move on. We have been together many years and have child who is 11. He says he is unhappy, doesn’t know why, there is no one else etc….. since this revelation my thoughts and feelings have been all over the place. I know it’s a cliché but I honestly feel like he is having a mid life crisis. I don’t believe he is having an affair but obviously I don’t know this for sure…. We started couples counselling last week and whilst I initially felt it was helpful to get things out there the more I process the more I rage I feel….. I have seen a couple of articles about “miserable husband syndrome” … has anyone heard/experienced such a thing? …..I have asked him what “moving on” looks like in his mind and does he think he would be happier… he said “not necessarily but at least I wouldn’t be inflicting my unhappiness on others”. I have asked if he thinks he is depressed, he says not….just not sure what to think….

I think he needs to think very carefully about exploding his family, and seek a variety of sources of support to make a plan.

If you were to feel a bit miserable and decide to leave, would he think that was ok?

If you were, I imagine you’d seek medical help, get counselling, and make a variety of changes to support your staying within your family. I can’t imagine you’d get ever more sullen and expect the people around you to sort it out for you.

He needs to give his head a wobble. And don’t you start pussy footing around trying to make him feel loved and wanted. You don’t exist to cosset a grumpy man into happiness while he sits and critiques your performance.

So common isn’t it. I actually wonder if men’s hormones start going haywire around this time.

From experience and from reading loads of these threads, there usually is another woman even if they’re just fantasising about them from a distance. OR they start projecting all their unhappiness onto you.

Not sure what to suggest though! My friends husbands even moved out of the house for a bit, she spent about a year guilting him into working on things for the sake of their child. And it worked. Don’t think I’d have that in me though, do you?

There is no pussy footing going on here, believe me. I will admit my initial reaction was to worry about his mental health but I was so upset and confused, but the more my mind processes the more angry I feel. I feel angry as he wasn’t even man enough to raise it with me. I had to drag it out of him kicking a screaming.

My initial instinct was to suggest counselling, as the idea of our family being blown apart was just too huge. However the more I reflect the more I think forcing a situation on someone who doesn’t want to be here would be more harmful for our daughter than him leaving … I am not going to beg, I am worth more than that. I won’t lie though the logistics of a separation, particularly financially really scare me. We only bought our current house last summer and on a 5 year rate and I couldn’t afford to buy him out

I’m so glad to hear it. So often men behave badly and women inadvertently reward them for it by cosseting them. It’s like we’re programmed to pander to them and protect them from their mistakes.

If it were me I’d carry on generally as if nothing has changed. Bright and breezy. He is the one with the problem, he needs to make a plan to sort it out. Resolutely ignore it.

While quietly checking out your options in case.

It’s so true isn’t it. In our first counselling session he said he felt like he has “drifted through life, with work and his marriage, going along with things and not really thinking about what he wants for himself” … I suggested to him that it seems he is has been thinking about himself quite a lot recently, whilst I have been busy managing daily life for everyone!

What a self indulgent knob.

Being honest I suspect a lot of us who have been married for many years feel like this, but just put it down to middle age / general disenchantment with life and find other things to focus on and get excited about. The difference is he’s voicing it. If he’s just having a moan that’s one thing but does he actually want to split up?

I think, in his mind right now he does want to leave, if I am honest. He has clearly been giving this some thought for some time, just didn’t think to me mention to me that he is was unhappy. I do think there could be something going on with his mental health, he also has a lot issues around ”family life” as he has a crap childhood and didn’t ever experience what it felt like to be in happy home… but I don’t think any of that excuses the lack of communication when we have been together 23 years… unless of course there is an external factor (person) in the frame that I am yet to find out about 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’d bet my mortgage he’s had his head turned.

Can't believe how similar this is to my scenario, my husband told me he didn't feel he loved me any more in May after a couple of years of disengaging and focusing on work and his hobbies. At first, I was devastated and panicked and we did counselling but as time went on I got angrier and angrier. The things he was bringing up in counselling were truly pathetic- he didn't like our family holidays as they weren't suited to his interests (!), he didn't like decorating with me cos we had different opinions on colours (he chose 80% of the rooms in our house). I realised he didn't give a sh*t about me, he was entirely focused on himself and his feelings. I told him to leave in October. The road ahead is scary but I feel lighter for having made a decision. Like your husband, he only said how he felt because I dragged it out of him by constantly asking. I think he was just shutting down and treating me like garbage in the hope I would eventually leave him and he could keep his nice guy persona, he won't admit to it though. No evidence of another woman yet but I wouldn't be surprised at all, feel sorry for her to be honest 🤣

I think he's met someone..whether or not he has done anything with her yet is a different matter. Whenntheynhave their heads turned, they start to question their lives. If he wants to go, let him.

Yes, he's following The Script.
They all think they're different, and they think they're being clever.
But they're all the same. They say the same things and do the same things, in the same order.
It's pathetic.

I agree. I had a similar experience and it turned out he was interested in someone else but never had the guts to talk about how he was feeling. I went through the possible depression scenario, mid life crises reasons, asked if he was unhappy in our relationship but he couldn't explain it. But I found out in the end. This was several years ago and though we are still together I would never trust him again ever. As far as I'm concerned I am still here because life separated or divorced would not be pleasant. I don't know why he's still here. He would say it's because he loves me but I don't believe in romantic love anymore so I ignore it. We get on well but I have my own life separate from his and things I used to do to support him for example at his work, I no longer do.

Hard agree

To be honest OP, the second you mentioned he had said that he felt he had ‘drifted through life with work and his marriage’ I heard The Script. That vague re-writing of history, abdicating all his choices, claiming unhappiness…..He’s conveniently forgotten that he chose his job, he chose to get married, he presumably chose to have a child, he chose to stay married to you. Nobody forced him, he made choices.
He’s gone from owning those personal choices, which no doubt whatsoever were what he wanted at the time, to saying he was operating under some trance-like ‘going with the flow’ attitude, as if he’s never done anything he chose or wanted to do, he just went along with it all like a leaf in the wind.
It’s a guilt-removing way of allowing himself to be a toddler-man and stamp his foot at the choices he’s made, which to him are now allegedly obstacles stopping him doing what he wants to do.
Which is what, exactly? Funny how he knows he wants to leave but seems silent on the topic of what he’s going to do with his freedom. He’s never done what he wanted, huh? Yet so far nada about this amazing thing he wants to do for which he wants to leave you.
Whatever this is, I think you know what you have to do at this point. I’m so sorry OP.

i think society needs to get a menopause term for mid life crises- I know so many people dealing with men just deciding life isn’t what they thought it was going to be and as a woman I’ve definitely had the ‘really, is this it? Up every morning running about?’ Add to that there’s still the stupid’men provider’ thing they seem to have, putting that pressure on can’t be good but I wish they’d acknowledge it’s a thing instead of suddenly stopping communicating instead

Did you meet and get serious very young? He may feel like he missed out on an explorative stage.

I think he was just shutting down and treating me like garbage in the hope I would eventually leave him and he could keep his nice guy persona, he won't admit to it though.

This is the way of all weak men. They feel deprived if they can’t have everything the way they want it - compromise feels like invalidation - they moan and act like victims of their own choices (freely made, of course, but later rewritten as being obliquely forced onto them) and they want to disengage from the obligations of partnership and family life while continuing to enjoy their benefits.

It’s pathetic, honestly. Although it leaves a bad taste to have to be the one to officially end the relationship
they have checked out of in all but name, it’s better than staying shackled to a selfish emotional weakling.

Head has been turned. Christmas will be a difficult time and more details will appear

Not particularly, we when I was 21 and he was 22 I am now 46.

Good luck.x

@MeadowsRed I am going through something similar, and have a thread about my DP of 11 years being diagnosed with depression and whilst he says we are still together, he is currently staying with his parents and has been there a week.

This is definitely a phenomenon - talking to a few friends, they have either experienced this themselves or know someone who has. I’d like to know why so many men retreat from their responsibilities into a ‘cave’.

My DP starts counselling very soon, as do I (separately, through my work) as I need support to work through my feelings and need help deciding how to approach the future. I won’t tolerate him being AWOL for long. I wish you all the best 💐

To be fair I feel much the same but I'm not going to abandon my kids. I think a lot of men are convinced they can leave with no consequences to their relationship to their kids but that is just not true. (Or they think that a worse relationship is worth it for the "freedom ").