What’s really going on here, Miserable Husband Syndrome?

[MeadowsRed]

2 weeks ago I had to ask my husband what was wrong. He has been gradually disengaging from family life over the last couple of months and I had had enough. After much silence he told me he was not happy with life, and keeps feeling like he wants to move on. We have been together many years and have child who is 11. He says he is unhappy, doesn’t know why, there is no one else etc….. since this revelation my thoughts and feelings have been all over the place. I know it’s a cliché but I honestly feel like he is having a mid life crisis. I don’t believe he is having an affair but obviously I don’t know this for sure…. We started couples counselling last week and whilst I initially felt it was helpful to get things out there the more I process the more I rage I feel….. I have seen a couple of articles about “miserable husband syndrome” … has anyone heard/experienced such a thing? …..I have asked him what “moving on” looks like in his mind and does he think he would be happier… he said “not necessarily but at least I wouldn’t be inflicting my unhappiness on others”. I have asked if he thinks he is depressed, he says not….just not sure what to think….

Ah yes, having read your update though, this is almost certainly related to the drinking. I say this as a recovering alcoholic myself. If he’s drinking heavily still, despite being diagnosed recently as diabetic with high blood pressure, he is definitely going to be physically feeling not great and his mental health will be all out of whack. He’s probably looking for an easy out so he can carry on drinking without eyes on him, without having to regulate his behaviour, without having to be responsible for family life. He wants to be free to draw the curtains so to speak and not have to ‘adult’. That would absolutely be my guess from someone who was in a very similar situation with similar health issues. He needs to stop drinking, but he has to decide that for himself.

That’s a positive he accepted couples counselling, my ex husband is so shut out when it comes to feelings he refused it all.

It’s a really tough situation because a lot of people will say let him leave, do this and that but it’s hard when you’re worried about their MH.

Boundaries are what I think I a, beginning to feel clearer about now. When he initially told me what was in his mind I just felt broke and my instinct was to try and protect and preserve our marriage because after 23 years I can’t imagine a life where he is not in it. However, as the last couple of weeks have moved on, I feel more angry (as well as upset) and I feel my self respect taking over more

Honestly, my experience of doing the counselling was I just got more and more angry listening to his self indulgent bullshit. I'd cut your losses now, otherwise you're going to end up feeling like you're having to perform and constantly feel like you need to regulate his emotions for him.

Right.
So essentially he lied to you, then told the truth to the counsellor.

I absolutely understand that. My first instinct was to throw myself into fixing things and getting my life as I knew it back.
It took a minute for me to realise that my happiness mattered too, that I couldn't 'bring him around' to my eay or thinking or makw him love me like I wanted him to. All I could do was express what I wanted but hold onto to what I wouldn't tolerate.
It hasn't been easy. He left for a bit (with a lot of protest - he thought he could stay in the spare room while he figured things out), the kids found it very hard and my heart broke for them, but it gave him clarity. He asked to come back less than a week in (I said no for a while). Its not easy to love someone so much but still reinforce your boundaries but it's been worth it in the long run.
The anger will help with holding those boundaries firmly.

Yeah, it does appear that way. I think possibly when we had our initial conversation he told me part of the truth, but obviously chose the part which make me more sympathetic than an explanation of “well I feel unhappy and I think the grass might be greener” ……

We have talked about the alcohol before and (of course) he has always assured me it’s something he can just go without if he wanted to…. And he did for months earlier this year when he was diagnosed as diabetic. I was worried at the time how the diagnosis might impact him as his mother (who was the main protagonist in his childhood unhappiness/trauma) dies at 66 from issues related by poorly controlled diabetes.

I appreciate that it might be as simple as him looking for a way out and I should tell him “on your way”, but I worry his mindset won’t improve and the impact that will have on our daughter, so I feel that we need ti see what the counselling brings. I know I can’t fix him he needs to want that himself,

Guilt at wanting to leave, for whatever reason, (although the use of the word ‘single’ is interesting, happier by myself/ happier in a new life/ happier alone etc fits his earlier narrative but this suggests he’s seen where the grass could be greener to me) has obviously made options where he looks like a victim of something beyond his control (therefore he’s not the bad guy) easier to stomach than being the guy saying ‘I want out to live the single life, it looks better than this.’
Agreeing with you that he might be depressed, agreeing to couples counselling, saying things like he doesn’t want to inflict his unhappiness on others (bless him, he’s leaving you and devastating his family out of the kindness of his heart) smack of desperately not wanting to be the bad guy and him trying to garner sympathy from you and stop you asking for other explanations.
He’s making this incredibly difficult for you to deal with as he’s not being up front about his reasons with anyone. It’s becoming even more selfish by the minute.

Thank you for saying this (its my reply you're quoting), I agree even though it's so hard at the minute and so much uncertainty about where we will live, whether I can keep my current job or need to move for more hours etc. I do wonder how long it would have dragged on had I not called time on it. Im sure he would have been quite happy plodding on with me doing his washing and life admin while continuing not to love me, or engage with me and his children. Now he's living in his mothers spare bedroom. People keep telling me he will regret it but I actually don't think he will, I think he's quite happy there getting everything done for him and having the kids 2 nights a week and doing performative trips out when he has barely bothered with them til now. His mother is doing most of the parenting for him anyway.

I have to say I'm a bit baffled by how many posters are replying essentially saying to ignore him and get on with your own life. I can see how difficult divorce is going to be financially and emotionally for me and my children, but I feel at least my self respect is intact and it sounds like OP is also coming to her senses. It's actually scary how many women this seems to happen to at this age.

Or the answer is complex and both statements are in part true?

You’re welcome. As someone on the other side of it al, i can confirm leaving is hard but worth it. Three years on, my ex seems happy from the outside. He has now “repartnered” with one of his employees, who I guess is used to running around after him and appears to be living the good life, buying new clothes, and going to concerts and restaurants and overseas trips (with his girlfriend, not his kids though!) like he’s in his 20s again.

However I know he is financially fucked and the spending is a charade to get the new girlfriend locked in so he can bleed her dry like he did me. I can tell that the therapy he proudly engaged in post-relationship actually didn’t land at all (so his new relationship is likely to face the same issues eventually) and the kids are coming to see of their own accord that life is far more fun, peaceful, connected and organised at my house and are slowly losing respect for him in the same way I did.

For my own part, I’ve learned a lot about how to set good boundaries and stop being a people-pleaser, have a nice casual boyfriend, savings in the bank and get to enjoy my children’s childhood and teenage years without a miserable man around sucking my joy and energy.

He's also got "not being honest syndrome". He's closed communications to you. He's stopped being a team. That's the real problem.

Oh, and @MeadowsRed the crap childhood is par for the course here. I know bad childhoods can affect people but when it starts being pulled out as an excuse for bad behaviour, there’s manipulation going on.

My father had a crap childhood and I think that’s why I didn’t see my ex’s crap childhood as a red flag. However the difference is that my dad used his crap childhood as motivation to make a better life for himself and his children than he had, while my ex used it as a get-out-of-jail-free card for failing to do the same.

How old is he? Purely anecdotal but friends are I were discussing recently that something strange seemed to happen to lots of the men we know in their early forties. They seemed to lose a bit of life / joy / light in their eyes. Is there a male menopause equivalent?

My miserable husband of 16 years started behaving extra miserable like this. Eventually we split and two minutes later he was living with a woman he’d met a year before and spent time with at various events.

6 years later I’m now remarried to the most amazing non miserable person and my XH is living miserably with the woman he’d left us for. My kids were delighted when their dad left. We’d being walking on eggshells for years with XH and now we all live happily together with my new DH and his kids with no misery or grumpiness.

Oh don't you know it's all about their " happiness" now? There's someone else.

He might be better having 1 to 1 counselling for a bit as he may need to process some issues without you there. Although that might feel a bit challenging for you it might be productive in the long run.

As a guy, I have to admit something similar happened to me. Career flatlined, constantly wondering "is this it?". Think I need to go off and make a movie or write a book, something dramatic.
My friendship group was shrinking as good friends moved away, for bigger houses and gardens, etc.
I did the usual midlife crisis stuff, ticked off some bucket list items such as heli-skiing, but it didn't really work.
Oh and yes had the exact same conversations about the marriage. I couldn't do it as I could never have abandoned my kids. My wife was constantly saying I was being grumpy.
Anyhow I eventually started hanging out with some other dads from primary school (even though kids were at secondary) and we all sort of bonded and learned how to laugh and take the Mickey out of each other.
It can be touch and go but I really do love my wife, and had to re-realise it.
So in summary I don't know if it's hormonal, but it can make you feel bereft and pointless.
So really hope it works out for you both.

I agree

He is 47 there is lots of info out there relating to a male neophyte… drops in testosterone levels etc…

OP I had one of those that said ‘it just happened’ as though there was no personal choice in his behaviour at all. It took me far too long to throw him out.

I'm sorry. Affair or gambling habit or something secret

I do think that there is something in the male menopause idea. But it isnt really taken seriously because of how they so often "self medicate" with stupid expensive hobbies, sports cars, other women, trying to turn back the clock lookswise, so they become a joke.

Whereas for women there is an obvious reason for our changes in mid life ie the menopause. I mean that hasnt been taken particularly seriously until relatively recently either, and even then it depends on the healthcare lottery, but at least every one knew why.

But I cant help wondering that even if there was a big campaign about it and proof that men go through hormonal changes too to the point of it affecting mental and physical health (ED anyone?) how many would admit to it affecting them. We all know men who would refuse to go to the doctor with a leg hanging off, they certainly wouldnt want to admit in any way to being seen (in their eyes at least) as less of a man. See the fuss some men make about vasectomy making them "not really a man" Their ego is so closely intertwined with their manliness I think that an awful lot simply wouldnt cope with the idea. I know my exH certainly would brush off any suggestion of this.

Has he got Type 1 or Type 2 diabetes?