What’s really going on here, Miserable Husband Syndrome?

[MeadowsRed]

2 weeks ago I had to ask my husband what was wrong. He has been gradually disengaging from family life over the last couple of months and I had had enough. After much silence he told me he was not happy with life, and keeps feeling like he wants to move on. We have been together many years and have child who is 11. He says he is unhappy, doesn’t know why, there is no one else etc….. since this revelation my thoughts and feelings have been all over the place. I know it’s a cliché but I honestly feel like he is having a mid life crisis. I don’t believe he is having an affair but obviously I don’t know this for sure…. We started couples counselling last week and whilst I initially felt it was helpful to get things out there the more I process the more I rage I feel….. I have seen a couple of articles about “miserable husband syndrome” … has anyone heard/experienced such a thing? …..I have asked him what “moving on” looks like in his mind and does he think he would be happier… he said “not necessarily but at least I wouldn’t be inflicting my unhappiness on others”. I have asked if he thinks he is depressed, he says not….just not sure what to think….

His health problems sound quite concerning, is it possible some of this is because he’s not handling them well both physically (including by keeping up the drinking) and mentally? Possible side effects of the meds? Do you think he’s given you a completely accurate account of what’s been said to him and do you think he understands it? And has he been overdoing the googling? Is there any read across from his family experience to how he’s coping - parent who died young, or just poor family experience of dealing with difficulties. You mention “another heart episode” - did he have a bad experience and how has he processed it? If any of this resonates with you (and it may not) maybe take a look at the BHF.

I know it’s not your job to fix him, but it’s also normal to want to understand and you clearly have a sense that it may genuinely be about himself (acknowledging how often it’s not).

I have to be honest op, if he is talking about leaving I would not be surprised if there was someone else in the picture - or at least a situation where he has had his eye on someone and wants to be free to take it/another future possible relationship further.

It's one thing to be depressed, mid-life crisis, male menopause etc, but talk of leaving home is definitely wanting to shuffle off his married status. He seems quite specifically focused on that, rather than changing career, climbing Mt Everest etc.

I would at least keep an open mind to that/prepare yourself.

I do think men are prone to mid life crisis.
Yes life can be tough and it can be a treadmill with children,responsibilities and work.
Same is true for women .
But generally women just get on with it whilst men start naval gazing get depressed and come out with a load of crap like they've been forced into the life they have and have had no agency.
DH had similar. I just kept reminding him of all the positives,the good times and yes sometimes life is a treadmill, but that's parenting and adulting - I feel it too but just get on with it.
I suggested he take up swimming one night a week with a swimming club as he swam competitively in his youth,at the time he didn't get "me" time.
Plus side it cheered him up, downside someone he swam with did triathlons and an obsession started.
Now he's not depressed ( I think he was but he refused to acknowledge it or go to GP) but he spends a LOT of time exercising which does impact our time as a couple and as a family-we are away atm and he got up at 7 and ran for 90 mins in the rain!!
He says he does it early so it doesn't impact anything else but in reality it does because by 8pm he's asleep on the sofa(or 2pm at a weekend given half the chance!) So he has no energy for anything else.
Anyway my sympathies OP, sounds like you have a no nonsense approach.
However I wouldn't automatically think another woman, it might be depression, worried about aging,realising he's not young anymore and has loads of responsibilities (of course all this is true for you too!)
Don't let him make it your fault or let you believe he didn't want to make decisions and choices he did such as marriage and kids.

@PunnyOliveTigerin response to your post more or less saying that men and women essentially have the same emotional needs and desires then in brackets stating it's sex dependent. I don't dispute that but the sex dependent bit is very relevant because it does make men and women different. I would also say that as in many of the responses on here, my first thought was not that my husband had been looking elsewhere because I believed him with my whole heart when he said he loved me. He continued to buy me flowers, treat me well and look after me as he always had, but he seemed disconnected and preoccupied at times. I found out why quite by accident. I saw messages on the computer and texts in his phone. I was not looking. I was not suspicious. I really did not think he would do something like this because he had always prided himself on being honest, loyal and a man of integrity. It turned out to be rubbish. He may have wanted to be that person but sneaky text and other messages proved otherwise. He said she came on to him as if that made it alright. He denied it went further than a kiss because "it felt wrong ". Whether it did or didn't doesn't matter to me because the effect on trust is the same. We are together because when push came to shove he didn't want to leave. Whether he didn't want to leave me or the lifestyle being a couple affords him is debatable. But I've withdrawn from many of the things we did together before because I just don't want to do them anymore. I have my own social life separate to him and I enjoy it very much. He's a kind person but I cannot see him in the same light as I did for the first 10 years of marriage. In these days of personal computers in our homes and on our phones, it is possible for people to have an on line sexual or emotional relationship that is entirely unknown by anyone else.

I think both sexes feel this.. infact I would say far more unhappy women but maybe more scared to say it.

No what I said is that our physiological systems are sex dependent in a biological sense. That doesnt change that both men and women are capable of the same range and depth of emotions.

Do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? I would say that the reason doesn't matter - whether it's an affair or depression or midlife crisis, he is saying he thinks the marriage is over.

Counselling might show him what he will lose, it might cause him to think differently about his future, but ultimately? He wants out. I would let him go. Let him see that the world doesn't open like some fabulous oyster for a man in his 40's, filled with opportunities and other women. If it IS depression or midlife crisis, being on his own might force him to seek help rather than lean on you to support him. If it isn't - well, you will soon see.

He is not on weight loss drugs. Was naturally lost weight as he gad undiagnosed diabetes

tge weight loss meds are based on diabetic meds

Well, I'm a woman and feel more or less the same
(47 years old, time for a change). No kids, long term happy marriage. Of course I'm not going to "explode" my husband's life, as a poster said, but it's not only men.
They just feel entitled to move on, for some reason.
I would let him!

It's not man hating, unfortunately it describes their character. I don't see any hate.

Agreed.

Not happy with life
Possibly suffering from depression
Needs time alone
Going to stay with parents / siblings / friends
Getting therapy

AKA "I've met / got my eye on someone else so I'm going to see if it works out with her whilst I string you along, pretend I've got depression and am working on myself, then if it doesn't work out with her I will come back to you and nobody will be any the wiser. If it does work out with OH then I will announce it around 6 months down the line and say we met after we separated so I don't get any blame either way".

First thought is he's met someone. A private crush, a mutual emotional affair or an actual physical entanglement.

Start digging because if it is so, he will lie, conceal and deny. And this won't go away.

Second - midlife crisis, middle aged blues, mourning lost youth, what might have been, 'if only, is it too late, is that it?'

Has it all fallen into a predictable dull pattern, with the terrifying prospect of ageing and decline on the horizon? I get that, so JFDI, saying yes to scary things and new things is something we consciously do.

Third - medical. Hormone drops, depression, an undiagnosed condition.

Taking responsibility for his own health and wellbeing is something so many men fail at. I once came home to find my IH googling 'what should I do about this pain in my chest?'

Whatever it is, he's been thinking it all over for a long time, bottling it up, hiding it until now - and you're blindsided. They do this. Time to find out which of the three lie beneath. Once you know, then you can decide what to do.

I think it’s worth pushing therapy as a first step. I know the feelings of anger/frustration you must feel and they are very valid but the first step should be for your husband to talk to a therapist about why these feelings have come up and why now. More than likely, it’s nothing to do with you or your DC and he’s just having some sort of mental health crisis. You guys are easy to blame because he doesn’t have to be accountable/responsible for ‘fixing’ anything. He doesn’t have to reflect on his own role in his unhappiness and what he needs to do.

Things like depression are so awful to deal with because the person suffering can be in total denial. It’s a survival technique that just drags them further down. You mention he has stopped enjoying his main hobby - that’s a huge red flag for depression. If you can, I would also go to therapy yourself. Living with someone with depression is really hard and you need somewhere to vent to as it will have an impact on you and how ‘seen’ you feel in your relationship. Your feelings about this matter just as much but your husband is probably not capable of looking beyond his own spiral to support you too.

Of course, you may do therapy and still end up not together. But I think the description you give sounds much more like depression/burn out so should be treated like a physical injury. Get him to therapy, go to therapy yourself so your voice is still heard by someone and see where you are. As someone 2 years down the road, I can say that it was never a family issue, you’ll be okay and therapy can be lifesaving.

@BlueSkies2026

Love your response: I agree wholeheartedly 😀

To come in from another angle, this is completely normal. It's very easy to spend the first half of your life until 40 'ticking boxes', you think you need to do xyz, go through the motions. In reality, you're partly sometimes making choices based on what you think you should do, based on other people's expectations of you. It doesn't mean they are not good choices.
There's a beauty in it - as in from this point forward you can explore what you want your life to look like going forward.
Its harder because its harder to make changes when you're tied down (don't mean kids, I mean mortgage, job etc.) - there's fewer available options, but it doesn't matter, as sometimes just learning to appreciate what you have got can be enough to feel that you are seeing things afresh.
The idea of perseverance is a good one to cultivate.

Hi @MeadowsRed I went though similar with my DH. There was no one else. He basically went a bit mad for 2 years. I agree that something seems to happen to men’s hormones or what ever it was.
It was a very painful time. He moved out for a period, withdrew from us all including the DC.
He had therapy and we had some marriage counseling- you need someone who will help rebuild connection as often the issues are in their head rather than real issues iyswim. Especially when combined with the rubbish childhood.
I just maintained that I loved him, that we were married and I was going to stay faithful to our vows. I cried a lot.
There was never another woman. Just a messed up man who was very confused and destructive.
He came home, we reunited, we are now very happy and he still takes anti depressants.
I don’t have any real advice other than carry on as much as normal. Protect yourself emotionally and find friends/family who can support you.

My Husbands 'miserable husband syndrome' was called Adrianna....
It's possible of course he's just struggling with life but based on my experience and dozens of posts here I would keep your eyes very wide open.
My dh withdrew from me and family life when when our dc were about the same age as yours, an affair was the route of this but to put it in context this is a funny stage of life. You've been through a wedding, career building, new babies and the little years. I think there's something about realising the 'big' things are ticked off that makes us face that this is life now and its not exactly what we imagined and with no big moments to look toward that opens the mid life crisis.
Whatever it is in your husbands case don't make it comfortable for him to stay in that funk.
Spend time on yourself and doing things you enjoy and make clear what you will and won't tolerate- to yourself and to him. Don't give him the luxury of moping about thinking he's got all the time in the world to decide what he wants and you'll still be there until he decides he does or doesn't want you.

I think this is it.

I mean, sure, my life would be a lot easier (apart from financially) if I didn’t have to think about anyone else or have my DC half the time. I could do/eat/watch whatever I liked, within reason, without having to take anyone else’s needs or interests into consideration. Sounds blissful - even at a point when my DH and I are getting on pretty well.

Except my DC would be heartbroken, and we’d all be skint.

The fantasy is that you could put all the drudgery and compromise on pause for part of the week, to catch your breath and top up your reserves of joie de vivre. Who doesn’t want that?

But it’s not possible - and it’s certainly not possible to try to do that without huge consequences.

I do think the same autopilot that drives men to ‘drift’ through their lives, making choices without considering the consequences, is the same thing that drives these midlife strops.

They’re still drifting, prioritising what’s easiest, not thinking about how it will all actually work.

Most times they still rely on their wives to make the separation and divorce actually happen - and then either sink into miserable squalor on their own with nobody managing their lives, complaining they’re lonely and skint and their kids don’t pay them enough attention - or quickly find some other woman to abdicate responsibility to.

Wish I knew what the answer was.

To add a little, as I think it might be helpful regardless of the route of his behaviour, I made clear to my husband throughout that I loved him and what I wanted was for us to be together.
But I was also clear that I wouldn't tolerate a half arsed husband. If he wasn't sure what he wanted he needed to leave.
And I've continued in that vein, so he's had to step up. He's having counselling and things are a lot better but it all started with me being clear on my boundaries. I couldn't change his behaviour.

But why should you have had to put up with 2 years of crap from this man.

It just isn't fair.

It is so often the men, and then they get to enjoy the happy life after.

Yep. The script usually comes through.

Men rarely leave a warm bed unless they have another one to jump into.

Sorry OP. I'd be telling him to piss off elsewhere to do his navel gazing.

This happened to me at the start of the year, I had to ask the question ‘do you even still love me’ and he left just like that. Refused therapy, this also came after a big life change for him with his work.

he’s not been the same since he left, says he doesn’t feel much about anything in life, can’t explain how he feels. It’s been really hard and I have stupidly still been a ‘wife’ to him so to speak but it’s come at a cost to me.

I often wonder if it’s depression, he’s guilty or thought life would be better once leaving, and it’s not.

I hope your husband can realise what he will be giving up and you can work through it.

So what does leaving actually look like? What’s this life he’s fantasising about that he can’t have now and wants to run off to?

I think that’s a good topic for a therapy session. He needs to unpick what that is going to look like.

Because I’ve been pretty miserable with life a few times. But leaving Dh and my children would not have made me un-miserable. I can imagine few things more depressing that being hugely in debt in a bedsit because I had to sell the family home at a loss. Eating a sad little meal for one that I had to cook myself. No one to talk to most days. Still in my shitty stressful job. With no money for travel or hobbies because I had no one to share the expense with anymore.

That sounds pretty damn miserable. Sometimes we get the urge to implode our lives for various reasons. He needs to actually unpick what he’s searching for. Because it’s unlikely to be what he ends up with.

I did ask him that very question and so did the counsellor… he gave two different answers

to me - in our first conversation about this he said “ I am can’t say I would be happier but at least I won’t be inflicting it on other people” ….. fast forward to last week at our first couples counselling his reply was “ the idea of being single appeals, I acknowledge that I am a “grass is greener” type of person and I see others around me who seem much happier” …..

Because I am worried about him being depressed I suggested he get some help, he really didn’t want to do therapy on his home but said he would agree to couples counselling