What’s really going on here, Miserable Husband Syndrome?

[MeadowsRed]

2 weeks ago I had to ask my husband what was wrong. He has been gradually disengaging from family life over the last couple of months and I had had enough. After much silence he told me he was not happy with life, and keeps feeling like he wants to move on. We have been together many years and have child who is 11. He says he is unhappy, doesn’t know why, there is no one else etc….. since this revelation my thoughts and feelings have been all over the place. I know it’s a cliché but I honestly feel like he is having a mid life crisis. I don’t believe he is having an affair but obviously I don’t know this for sure…. We started couples counselling last week and whilst I initially felt it was helpful to get things out there the more I process the more I rage I feel….. I have seen a couple of articles about “miserable husband syndrome” … has anyone heard/experienced such a thing? …..I have asked him what “moving on” looks like in his mind and does he think he would be happier… he said “not necessarily but at least I wouldn’t be inflicting my unhappiness on others”. I have asked if he thinks he is depressed, he says not….just not sure what to think….

Thank you, that’s really helpful to hear. Depression is just awful isn’t it 😞

What a toxic response, this forum is literally built on threads by women who are unhappy in their relationship are looking to leave for whatever reason they choose- and are supported in that, yet men are “Smug selfish little boys” for wanting the same thing

This made me smile thank you ☺️

Pat him on the head, call him a silly boy, and then put it out of your mind and enjoy your day.

Which weight loss meds is he on, some can have a depression or low mood as a side effect,

Thank you

@MeadowsRed

I really suggest you try and engage with what your husband is saying and feeling rather than second guess his emotions or accuse him of anything.

I think that we can all be guilty of forgetting that men do have feelings too, and just like we women can become reflective and wonder if we made the right choices, men can too. They are also human beings. It's very easy to get swept up with what you're meant to be doing and what other people expect you to be doing rather than considering what you want. You can feel like you owe it to people to stick around.

I know that I felt that in more than one relationship where it was ok and I wasn't unhappy as such, so I just went another day and another day and during thise days, the relationship progressed and more commitments and entanglement were created. I knew I felt that BEFORE I met their family, but thought maybe meeting their family would change things, so I did, and now we aren't just dating, I'm going to their Gran's for tea that Sunday and no, my feelings haven't really changed but now I can't break it off before Sunday. So I stick around and see if Sunday does change anything.

You've been together since you were young adults, and it is perfectly possible that by this time, you have grown apart or he has grown away from you. Yes he is a man, but he has the same neurological, endocrine and cognitive system as all other humans (sex dependent). He is capable of feeling negatively about you without it being some primal urge just to shack up with someone else.

Men don't just need sex. In fact, some of them can happily live without sex. They also want many of the emotional components to a relationship that women want and you can't have that if someone thinks you are incapable of having such needs. They want someone they can talk to and confide in without shame or judgement, too.

If I was in a relationship trying to explain that I feel chronically discontent, and my partner then turned around and said that I just have had my head turned, I'd KNOW that the relationship has indeed run its course. If my partner thinks I am incapable of feeling that without the presence of another sexual interest, then they really think lowly of me (or maybe women in general) and I am making the right decision by pulling away from them.

It would show me that they are incapable of understanding my emotional needs and therefore cannot meet them. It would show me that staying in the relationship is just going to damage me further.

As to why I might have taken a while to express these issues, well that is pretty simple too:

• thought the feelings would pass so stuck it out

• didn't feel I'd be believed and understood and my feelings would be seen as childish

• didn't want to hurt partner who hasn't done anything wrong per se

• didn't want to provoke partner's wrath because I hate feeling like the bad guy

• genuine fear of their reaction as they are abusive

What I want you to imagine is going to a couple's therapist and telling them that you don't believe that men/your husband can be unhappy without their being another secret woman on the scene or any of the things that are commonly said about men on here and other similar sites. What do you think a therapist would say to you about your relationship with a man if you believe those things about All Men? What do they say to men who think All Women are X or think X?

I agree with @Probablyshouldntsay

I also think a huge number of men are active in getting into relationships... then become these inert objects that only respond to inputs with close to zero output.
THEN some midlife metamorphasis happens and they "awaken" and want to claim that that they didnt chose any of this and their life is drudge! when the reality is they chose drudge.

Once in a Lifetime by Talking Heads sums it up for me...

And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"
...
And you may tell yourself, "This is not my beautiful house"
And you may tell yourself, "This is not my beautiful wife"
Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down

Etc.

You get the jist..

It's the universal exetential crisis

I’m guessing its to do with his health, (whilst continuing his alcoholism.)
basically depressed, mid- life blaming his own choices/ being stuck, on the relationship you

A lot of men believe that getting into a relationship means you no longer have a say over certain things because they believe that media image of a bossy woman and a henpecked, exasperated husband. A lot of women perform this role when they "settle down". They think that's part of what they have to do. That's playing grown up.

I've seen it in my young adult niece and pulled her up about it recently. She was saying she "will have John do it". Say like "I'll have John move it when he gets back". I had to remind her that it is their joint home and that she could ASK John what he thinks and if he agrees, ASK if he will move it.

She shouldn't get in the mindset where she sees it as her dictating what goes on and him doing the donkey work. It reinforces her as the homemaker and him as the provider and protector. The moment he feels like he has no control, he will try and seize it anyway he can and that often means financially. It's best to avoid this type of dynamic to begin with.

Thank you for this perspective as I know it can often be lost in a sea isn suggestions that there is “someone else”.

if my first thoughts has been he was having an affair, I probably wouldn’t have suggest couples therapy at all. My initial reaction was ask him why he was unhappy and whether he felt it was something which could be overcome. The reason why I feel he could be depressed is because of the way he said (when I asked him if he felt he would be happy if he moved on) “no necessarily but at least I wouldn’t be inflicting my unhappiness on other people” …

I accept it could be quite possible that he feels we have just drifted apart there is no other reason, but I feel as though our 23 years together deserves a more than just “I feel like need to move on” … I might be after some counselling nothing has changed but at least I can say we tried

I think many of us (men and women) hit that ‘is this it?’ point in our 40s. But most people push on - they don’t vocalise it and potentially blow up their family because of a nebulous feeling of dissatisfaction. When someone brings it out into the open like this there’s usually a trigger, a potential reward that’s perceived as greater than the risk. I’m inclined to think that trigger is another woman. It may not even be an actual affair - it could just be the new barmaid at the pub that smiles at him, or a work colleague who brings him a coffee. But there will be something that’s made this go from a thought to an action.

Yes I think it could be a good idea. If you do decide to part ways, counselling can help you decide how you do that in the best way for all.

Just really don't go in with this "he is only unhappy because he must have met a pretty lady" or anything that assumes this is the only reason men leave. It will make you seem a really detached and inconsiderate partner.

But maybe that's the fault of the people who decide to just put up with it anyway. If more women decide just to tolerate an OK marriage than men, I don't think that is positive about women. It probably speaks of the fact we are more trapped in practical ways so our quality of life would be worse away from the OK marriage by our own estimation. Maybe men realise they will be financially worse off and lose some other benefits, but actually having options is better than being in an OK marriage for life.

We should perhaps commend and mirror their bravery while acknowledging the social inequality that still traps us, rather than think men are worse humans for making changes that better their lives.

It isnt commendable to have stayed in mediocre marriage for 50 years and never experience true happiness in your companionship.

Rubbish. It’ll make her look like someone who considers the most likely explanation, even if it isn’t the only one.

what a fantastic balanced response, rather than the usual rubbish that gets trotted out

@PunnyOliveTigerI wasn’t making a point about men v women, just offering my thoughts to the OP and her situation. Your three name first-time-poster posts read like AI by the way.

He is having an affair.

Men are so predictable.

It's the usernames that the site suggests for you. Probably is AI.

This sort of mindset just isn't normal or healthy.

Is it possible this health diagnosis has knocked his ego and confidence?
He realises he is not the swaggering young buck anymore and alcohol is a depressant they say. That won't help.

Is he expecting YOU to come up with a cure for him @MeadowsRed ?
Will he mope about feeling unfulfilled for the rest of his life or DO something.
He needs a rocket or a boot up his arse. Re writing history is weak and childish.

@BeAppleNow are you trying to be obtuse? I've no issue with men (or women) leaving marriages they're unhappy in. I have an issue with selfish pricks who try to make it all their wife's fault so they can retain their "good guy" image by slowing disengaging from family life all whilst possibly having a side piece who "understands" them.

OPs husband hasn't left so I'm not sure why you're interpreting my annoyance as being for him leaving. Leaving would be a million times better than this scripted dance so many men subject their wives and kids to.

Play The Beautiful South’s A Little Time on repeat in his earshot and tell him to sling his hook.

“The reason why I feel he could be depressed is because of the way he said (when I asked him if he felt he would be happy if he moved on) “no necessarily but at least I wouldn’t be inflicting my unhappiness on other people” …”

This does sound more like depression, the hopelessness sticks out here in that he doesn’t see a way of ever becoming happy again, to be fair.
I’m wary because this really did read like the script earlier in the thread, and it sounded previously as if he was saying “I’m unhappy, I’ve been unhappy a long time and I’ve never done anything to make myself happy, so now it’s my turn” but this now sounds different. A health crisis can cause people to fade their own mortality, I agree with the existential crisis posts as well. A relative of mine (older than this though) recently went through a health crisis which has meant they can no longer do things that they previously enjoyed and it really is understandably getting them down. They are trying to be practical and have accepted that this is the way it is now, but there’s kind of a mourning period for their previous life and an adaptation time to what their life is now. The difference is that they are down, not depressed and can see a happy future, they know they just face to figure out how to navigate this part of their lives.
It must be very difficult for you as I’m torn between him being depressed due to his health problems/ facing his own mortality stuff and his choices of words around how he arrived at this point. Since we’ve had the marvellous Talking Heads mentioned here (great lyrics) I’ll add Pink Floyd “And then one day you find, ten years has got behind you, no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.”
Existential crisis or affair of possibility both? I’m absolutely certain my husband’s affair came out of a midlife crisis when he turned fifty. When he described to me how he had justified it in his own head (he knew it was bollocks, he never blamed me or the marriage) he says he told himself he was unhappy, life had become dull, he worked hard for his family and he deserved some happiness…he felt invisible…. Is this it? Etc etc. The reality was that his ego had been skyrocketed by the attention and validation from a much younger very attractive woman and he was tempted and thought there was no way I’d ever find out. He was astonished at the lies he told himself and believe me, this guy is the very last guy you would ever think would have an affair and the reality is that they are all the last guy you think would have an affair until they do. He shocked himself at how he got so good at the internal bullshit that he could justify just about anything to himself. He needed to be “unhappy…depressed….been unhappy a long time…confused about his future…feel like everyone takes me for granted…time to put me first now….” otherwise he’d have to face “What the hell are you doing to Wookie and your kids you total bastard? What did they ever do to you to deserve this?” And ain’t that a fun-spoiler when you’re in a hotel with your mistress?
The reason for this depression is the answer. Depression is usually caused by a loss of some kind, or being stuck.
Losses can be either a tangible obvious one like loss of a job, (bereavement can cause depression but is different) loss of a relationship, or an internal loss like a perceived loss of status, grieving a loss of previous good health, a loss of direction in your life or the loss of purpose etc.
It can also be caused by feeling stuck, feeling you are in a hopeless situation that you cannot change or control, you feel like you have no choices, feeling trapped by an individual or by circumstances.
Loss and/ or being stuck in a situation you can’t change cause depression. Hopelessness is a key symptom.
He could be depressed by any normal circumstances he has cited or he could be feeling trapped in his marriage by guilt because he wants to leave to be with somebody else and knows that he has done wrong. If he stays he feels unfulfilled and can’t have what he wants, if he leaves he can have what he wants but will feel guilty and ashamed so that path doesn’t appeal either. The ‘trapped in this dilemma’ feelings could have led to depression and that’s what’s underpinning it.
Only he can tell you what the real reason is, he needs to pinpoint the thoughts he has had or the circumstances he is possibly in which started before he got depressed.
To be honest I’m far less certain now but I’d never rule out a third party.
He needs to get honest with you and the therapist so that everyone knows what they are actually dealing with. Who knows at this point if the hours talking about it are being wasted because he wants to leave for a third party, or whether they are truly beneficial to a man who is just depressed?
I hope he finds honesty and stops the vague stuff and pinpoints what this is, it will benefit him and you immensely and stop your painful cycling around the ‘what if” s. It’s unfair on you to navel gaze whilst you suffer, depressed or not.