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Original poster

What’s really going on here, Miserable Husband Syndrome?

171 replies

MeadowsRed · 30/11/2025 20:50

2 weeks ago I had to ask my husband what was wrong. He has been gradually disengaging from family life over the last couple of months and I had had enough. After much silence he told me he was not happy with life, and keeps feeling like he wants to move on. We have been together many years and have child who is 11. He says he is unhappy, doesn’t know why, there is no one else etc….. since this revelation my thoughts and feelings have been all over the place. I know it’s a cliché but I honestly feel like he is having a mid life crisis. I don’t believe he is having an affair but obviously I don’t know this for sure…. We started couples counselling last week and whilst I initially felt it was helpful to get things out there the more I process the more I rage I feel….. I have seen a couple of articles about “miserable husband syndrome” … has anyone heard/experienced such a thing? …..I have asked him what “moving on” looks like in his mind and does he think he would be happier… he said “not necessarily but at least I wouldn’t be inflicting my unhappiness on others”. I have asked if he thinks he is depressed, he says not….just not sure what to think….

OP posts:
Nearly50omg · 01/12/2025 06:42

Canwerecover · 01/12/2025 06:15

@MeadowsRed I am going through something similar, and have a thread about my DP of 11 years being diagnosed with depression and whilst he says we are still together, he is currently staying with his parents and has been there a week.

This is definitely a phenomenon - talking to a few friends, they have either experienced this themselves or know someone who has. I’d like to know why so many men retreat from their responsibilities into a ‘cave’.

My DP starts counselling very soon, as do I (separately, through my work) as I need support to work through my feelings and need help deciding how to approach the future. I won’t tolerate him being AWOL for long. I wish you all the best 💐

You can guarantee there is someone else that has turned his head - a “friend” 🙄 they all make out they were not involved with anyone else when they left but if they emotionally have had feelings or thoughts
about another woman other than their wife then they are cheating and you can believe it isn’t one sided

Whodrankmytea · 01/12/2025 06:49

Sounds like the conversation I had with my exH. There was someone else which he denied initially. Then she was just a friend. You can guess the rest. I'm not saying this is the case in your scenario but just make sure you have your finances secure and keep your eyes open for any signs.

Velvian · 01/12/2025 07:06

I think, almost certainly, he has his sights set on someone else, even if nothing has happened and she is unaware.

The depression is the effort it will take to achieve his goal and concern about his reputation.

PersephoneParlormaid · 01/12/2025 07:10

Honestly, I’d ask him to leave while he navel grazes.
Id bet he’s had his head turned and is having thoughts about how his life could be.

Shoemadlady · 01/12/2025 07:15

I’m absolutely not saying that your husband is having an affair or preparing to leave, but I think what can be scary is not having all of the information you need. If you love your husband and want the relationship to continue, keep up with the counselling as it might take a few sessions to get to the bottom of what’s happening.
Also, go and see a solicitor (alone) get some advice out where you stand financially and get some ducks in a row as honestly, that will take the stress out of that side.
Wendell suffer from peaks and troughs and sometimes life can seem a bit monotonous but he really owes you some truth and honestly here about how he would ideally like to move forward. Do he have many friends / much of a social life?

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 01/12/2025 07:18

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/11/2025 23:59

Yes, he's following The Script.
They all think they're different, and they think they're being clever.
But they're all the same. They say the same things and do the same things, in the same order.
It's pathetic.

Edited
Show quote history

This. The most ironic thing about the script is that the bloody idiots reading from it don't even know there is a script. (Most) men are truly awful creatures. The immaturity makes me soooo angry.

Stormywalks · 01/12/2025 07:23

It’s a prime age sadly mid 40s. I hope you have rl support and some money in your own name / accounts.

Notmyreality · 01/12/2025 07:26

BitOutOfPractice · 30/11/2025 22:54

I’d bet my mortgage he’s had his head turned.

Of course you would. Because that’s MN answer for everything.

Notmyreality · 01/12/2025 07:27

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/11/2025 23:59

Yes, he's following The Script.
They all think they're different, and they think they're being clever.
But they're all the same. They say the same things and do the same things, in the same order.
It's pathetic.

Edited
Show quote history

What a pathetic man-hating answer.

InlandTaipan · 01/12/2025 07:33

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 01/12/2025 07:18

This. The most ironic thing about the script is that the bloody idiots reading from it don't even know there is a script. (Most) men are truly awful creatures. The immaturity makes me soooo angry.

Show quote history

What happened to "anyone can leave a marriage for any reason?" From the OP posts it's clear there's no love lost and nothing to save so what does it matter what his reasons are?

Probablyshouldntsay · 01/12/2025 07:34

They really have some audacity don’t they 😂 fwiw I don’t think it’s always the script, but a genuine belief that if their wife and kids hadn’t gotten in the way, that they’d be bear grills, scaling Everest or travelling the world in a van, or retiring as England football captain, or working for mi5. With several adoring girlfriends and probably slick modern house with a pool and a Maserati in the garage.
I think sometimes the humdrum of realising you are just a normal human guts them.
I agree with a previous poster who said just to behave bright and breezy and cheerfully tell him that he can fuck off if he wants to.
Start getting a good look at finances, pension, promotion opportunities for you and stop doing any wifely duties for him whatsoever.

ThisWormHasTurned · 01/12/2025 07:37

XH was like this. Retreated more and more. Didn’t want to engage with family activities. Couldn’t be arsed with me. Had a ‘man cave’ and went there more and more. Refused to seek help for his low mood. Took it out on us.
In the end, I asked to end the marriage because he was dragging me and DC down. I genuinely thought he’d be happier on his own. He moved on to someone else within a couple of weeks 🤷🏻‍♀️ he says there was no overlap but I find it a tad difficult to believe that he met his ‘soul mate’ within a fortnight of our marriages ending. Ironically he has more burdens now because he’s moved in with her and her 3 teenagers!
Best thing I ever did was call time on the marriage. He had one foot out of the door already but then he could say we’s both agreed rather than that he left me (don’t think he wanted to be the ‘bad guy’).

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 01/12/2025 07:39

@InlandTaipan not sure if you meant to quote me. I've not said he can't leave for any reason? What grinds my gears is the (frankly typical) way he's withdrawn from OP, she's had to drag it out of him why and now he's reading from the same tired old script so many men use (whilst thinking they're such clever boys for coming up with this fabulous new way to leave their wives).

And @Notmyreality they make it so bloody easy though, don't they? By behaving like smug, selfish, stupid little boys.

Original poster
MeadowsRed · 01/12/2025 07:44

Shoemadlady · 01/12/2025 07:15

I’m absolutely not saying that your husband is having an affair or preparing to leave, but I think what can be scary is not having all of the information you need. If you love your husband and want the relationship to continue, keep up with the counselling as it might take a few sessions to get to the bottom of what’s happening.
Also, go and see a solicitor (alone) get some advice out where you stand financially and get some ducks in a row as honestly, that will take the stress out of that side.
Wendell suffer from peaks and troughs and sometimes life can seem a bit monotonous but he really owes you some truth and honestly here about how he would ideally like to move forward. Do he have many friends / much of a social life?

He doesn’t have massive social life (his choice) he goes out with a couple of friends every other month or so. When they do go out it’s in another town /city so stay the night. He does drink a fair bit at home and definitely more so recently… it seems to be his coping mechanism.

His one main hobby is photography but amongst all of this he has said he is giving that up and selling all his equipment as he doesn’t enjoy it any more.

Earlier this year he was diagnosed with diabetes and high blood pressure, he has lost a fair bit of weight and I feel like the change in his behaviour has happened since then. He was recently told his medication has to increase and has to go on another medication in order to lower his risk of a heart episode… but it hasn’t seems to stop his drinking… so I am unsure whether he is depressed or whether since he has lost weight he is now thinking “new me new life”? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
PersephoneParlormaid · 01/12/2025 07:49

My DH has got high blood pressure and is on statins. Funnily enough he never stops his daily alcohol habit either.

Chersfrozenface · 01/12/2025 07:52

Earlier this year he was diagnosed with diabetes and high blood pressure, he has lost a fair bit of weight and I feel like the change in his behaviour has happened since then. He was recently told his medication has to increase and has to go on another medication in order to lower his risk of a heart episode… but it hasn’t seems to stop his drinking… so I am unsure whether he is depressed or whether since he has lost weight he is now thinking “new me new life”? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Or thinking he hasn't necessarily got that many years left, possibly.

Also, how old are his work colleagues? 22 is quite young to settle down these days. Is he seeing the 20-somethings travelling and partying and feeling that he didn't get to do that?

ChamonixMountainBum · 01/12/2025 07:57

I think a lot of people go through this. Life can become a bit of a routine grind if you are not careful. We all tend to reassess where we are compared to where we thought we would be and the realisation that you are probably not going to tick all those boxes. I think women tend to be better at reconciling this and making positive changes compared to men who get into negative spiral and expect things to fix themselves.

ReetPetite99 · 01/12/2025 08:00

I don’t think it’s necessarily someone else probably more boredom with family life being mundane and maybe feeling he hasn’t achieved what he’d hoped. Some men just take up time consuming hobbies to opt out.

I split from exH after several years of him being selfish and self absorbed. he wasn’t doing anything to resolve problems and his moods were harming the rest of us and dragging my mental health down. I’m sure he was pushing me to end it as he was too cowardly to be the dad who walked away although once he’d gone he was happy to dump the dc 95% time

I do know couples where the man has been stressed or depressed and checked out and they have got though it but only because the man wanted to put in the effort and fight for their marriage / family eg by changing their stressful job, improving their mental and physical health etc. You can’t force him it has to come from him. And if he’s not putting the effort in then you deserve better.

BlueSkies2026 · 01/12/2025 08:04

To come in from another angle, this is completely normal. It's very easy to spend the first half of your life until 40 'ticking boxes', you think you need to do xyz, go through the motions. In reality, you're partly sometimes making choices based on what you think you should do, based on other people's expectations of you. It doesn't mean they are not good choices.

There's a beauty in it - as in from this point forward you can explore what you want your life to look like going forward.

Its harder because its harder to make changes when you're tied down (don't mean kids, I mean mortgage, job etc.) - there's fewer available options, but it doesn't matter, as sometimes just learning to appreciate what you have got can be enough to feel that you are seeing things afresh.

The idea of perseverance is a good one to cultivate.

Fimofriend · 01/12/2025 08:06

Ownedbykitties · 01/12/2025 00:40

I agree. I had a similar experience and it turned out he was interested in someone else but never had the guts to talk about how he was feeling. I went through the possible depression scenario, mid life crises reasons, asked if he was unhappy in our relationship but he couldn't explain it. But I found out in the end. This was several years ago and though we are still together I would never trust him again ever. As far as I'm concerned I am still here because life separated or divorced would not be pleasant. I don't know why he's still here. He would say it's because he loves me but I don't believe in romantic love anymore so I ignore it. We get on well but I have my own life separate from his and things I used to do to support him for example at his work, I no longer do.

Show quote history

It is good that you no longer support him at his work. People should not get away with treating their spouses like they don't matter and then still get the same help as they would if they were good spouses themselves.

I bet your husband is unhappy about his "service utility", ie. you, is now malfunctioning so he cannot get the same level of service but he broke it himself.

I am so sorry he has treated you like that. It is not you. It is him.

MrsBroccolini · 01/12/2025 08:14

i would say 21/22 is pretty young to have met the person you’ll be with, so definitely could be some “what if” thinking.

but more than that I do think he sounds depressed. My brother has had some v bad bouts of depression the last couple of years and they always fixate on his relationship and the idea that he’s just drifted through and not made any active decisions for himself - or that he’s somehow letting his wife down or things feel too serious etc.

Original poster
MeadowsRed · 01/12/2025 08:22

InlandTaipan · 01/12/2025 07:33

What happened to "anyone can leave a marriage for any reason?" From the OP posts it's clear there's no love lost and nothing to save so what does it matter what his reasons are?

Show quote history

I am curious by your response here. How is it obvious that there is “no love lost”?

OP posts:
Original poster
MeadowsRed · 01/12/2025 08:30

BlueSkies2026 · 01/12/2025 08:04

To come in from another angle, this is completely normal. It's very easy to spend the first half of your life until 40 'ticking boxes', you think you need to do xyz, go through the motions. In reality, you're partly sometimes making choices based on what you think you should do, based on other people's expectations of you. It doesn't mean they are not good choices.

There's a beauty in it - as in from this point forward you can explore what you want your life to look like going forward.

Its harder because its harder to make changes when you're tied down (don't mean kids, I mean mortgage, job etc.) - there's fewer available options, but it doesn't matter, as sometimes just learning to appreciate what you have got can be enough to feel that you are seeing things afresh.

The idea of perseverance is a good one to cultivate.

This is really one of the reasons I suggested counselling. I am not at all interested in begging someone to stay with me if they don’t want to, no matter what my feelings are. However, if this is a bit of a crisis that we can work through , then I don’t want our lives blow apart unnecessarily.

the hard part is not knowing whether what he is sharing with me is the truth of a version where he is choosing to leave out key bits 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
MeadowsRed · 01/12/2025 08:37

Stormywalks · 01/12/2025 07:23

It’s a prime age sadly mid 40s. I hope you have rl support and some money in your own name / accounts.

Thank you, we have separate bank accounts and just paying inf a joint account for bills. I have a small amount of savings but nothing huge sadly, as we put most of our money into our deposit last year 😞

OP posts:
Retro12 · 01/12/2025 08:38

MeadowsRed · 30/11/2025 20:50

2 weeks ago I had to ask my husband what was wrong. He has been gradually disengaging from family life over the last couple of months and I had had enough. After much silence he told me he was not happy with life, and keeps feeling like he wants to move on. We have been together many years and have child who is 11. He says he is unhappy, doesn’t know why, there is no one else etc….. since this revelation my thoughts and feelings have been all over the place. I know it’s a cliché but I honestly feel like he is having a mid life crisis. I don’t believe he is having an affair but obviously I don’t know this for sure…. We started couples counselling last week and whilst I initially felt it was helpful to get things out there the more I process the more I rage I feel….. I have seen a couple of articles about “miserable husband syndrome” … has anyone heard/experienced such a thing? …..I have asked him what “moving on” looks like in his mind and does he think he would be happier… he said “not necessarily but at least I wouldn’t be inflicting my unhappiness on others”. I have asked if he thinks he is depressed, he says not….just not sure what to think….

My nearly Ex-husband was exactly the same..... Turned out he was having an emotional affair with a woman he worked with.... Once he left, this progressed to a relationship! It blindsided me, as he was not the "typical" man to have an affair! Keep your wits about you!