What’s really going on here, Miserable Husband Syndrome?

[MeadowsRed]

2 weeks ago I had to ask my husband what was wrong. He has been gradually disengaging from family life over the last couple of months and I had had enough. After much silence he told me he was not happy with life, and keeps feeling like he wants to move on. We have been together many years and have child who is 11. He says he is unhappy, doesn’t know why, there is no one else etc….. since this revelation my thoughts and feelings have been all over the place. I know it’s a cliché but I honestly feel like he is having a mid life crisis. I don’t believe he is having an affair but obviously I don’t know this for sure…. We started couples counselling last week and whilst I initially felt it was helpful to get things out there the more I process the more I rage I feel….. I have seen a couple of articles about “miserable husband syndrome” … has anyone heard/experienced such a thing? …..I have asked him what “moving on” looks like in his mind and does he think he would be happier… he said “not necessarily but at least I wouldn’t be inflicting my unhappiness on others”. I have asked if he thinks he is depressed, he says not….just not sure what to think….

@MeadowsRed He’s got drinker’s doom, and he needs to quit if he wants to stop circling the drain.

Yes, he may neither be dependent nor a binge drinker, but habitual drinking will eventually drag you down, too.

It’s type 2 diabetes

I think lots of people in midlife think "What's it all about?" You say the change in him came about after the diabetes diagnosis and that his mother, who was diabetic, was a large part of his childhood trauma. Diabetes is grim and he has other health problems as well. For him, this time in his life could be a perfect storm of serious health issues, linked to a problematic parent, which has probably triggered a lot of stuff in itself. Health problems can make people think about how much quality time they have left and what have they been doing so far with their time. Add to that the drinking to blot out all this probably painful stuff. People numb themselves with drink and I don't agree at all with PP that he's a "self-indulgent knob" to be treated with "breezy" indifference. He's a human being who seems to me to be suffering. I hope the counselling allows the space to unravel all of this and hopefully you come through.

This really is very young though isn't it? I see this (and have experienced this myself) in lots of people that got into their 'forever' relationship in their early 20's.

Cant edit original post so just wanted to say...my gut instinct is that he probably isn't seeing someone else or there would be more signs. He does sound depressed and genuinely unhappy in the relationship, but this doesn't mean it is your fault or doing just that you may have grown apart. I believe you are doing the right thing by doing couples counselling. Can he stay with his parents for a week or two so you can both have a breather from one another?

Drinking to excess can cause diabetes:

https://www.diabetes.org.uk/living-with-diabetes/eating/what-to-drink-with-diabetes/alcohol-and-diabetes

Diabetes and depression and other mental health issues are linked:

https://www.diabetes.org.uk/living-with-diabetes/emotional-wellbeing/depression

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9699801/

The andropause is generally accepted as affecting 'the ageing male' and a drop in testosterone can be worsened by excessive drinking. Do you recognise any of these in him?:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/male-menopause/

https://www.baus.org.uk/patients/conditions/7/male_menopause_androgen_deficiency

It does seem likely his gradual sliding down is all connected. I wouldn't instantly assume The Script here; just have it in your pocket as a possibility.

I agree with a lot of what you say although I do think men get more criticism for just trying to make positive changes in their lives. While the clichéd trappings of a mid life crisis (flash sports car, motorbike, dramatically quitting job, affair etc) can invoke humour I find the mocking of men making positive lifestyle changes to their diet, fitness, looks or wardrobe a bit OTT at times. Im a coach down my local sports club, every year we get dozens of 40/50 something men and women who have done very little exercise for decades wanting to get back in shape and its quite inspiring to see both the physical and mental changes several months down the line. However it is notable the different reactions to these changes where the women are overwhelmingly praised for their efforts and achievement where the men are often mocked. Wearing lycra, buying new clothes due to weight loss, change of haircut, signing up to other challenges like half marathons or bike rides seems to solicit way more accusations of 'mid life crisis'. Im thinking the dude has just lost 30kg and looks so much more happy and confident and has made new friends but no, its a mid life crisis let's take the piss.

I do see the point you are raising here regarding stereotypes, they can be really demeaning both towards men and women in equal measure. All I can do is talk from my own experience which is that I have really supported my husband over the last year. I encouraged him to go to the doctors, I fully supported him when he was diagnosed as diabetic. I made sure the food we had was suitable and supported a healthier lifestyle. I have spent an inordinate amount of time helping him get new clothing etc…now he has lost weight and clearly feeling good about how he is now looking…. What has my reward been? ….. for him to tell me he is no longer happy in our marriage……

Sorry to hear this. Usually at the start of each course I run I ask everyone to introduce themselves and say a few words about what motivated them to join up. I would say at least half have had a health scare in the recent pass (blood pressure, cholesterol, early signs of diabetes, very overweight) and they are trying to affect positive changes. Its really hard for some people who have done pretty much no exercise since leaving school so Im so impressed when people stick it out and transform themselves and seem much better mentally.

@MeadowsRed he is clearly feeling good about how he is now looking yet he’s unhappy, wants to leave his marriage, is drinking too much and depressed.
Most depressed people feel generally numb and lose their enjoyment of things overall. During a bout of depression people usually care very little for how they look. Clinical depression affects everything, it is not selective in that you can feel perfectly normal and good about some things but only numb and unhappy about others.
It’s a cart/ horse thing here, as in which came first. Did he notice how people looked at him/ treated him differently once he had improved his appearance and start wishing he was single, felt guilty about that and started to feel trapped in his current situation, which has led to depression medicated by drinking, or did he get depressed, drink too much to medicate and decide that it must be his marriage and life choices that are at fault so he thinks the grass is greener elsewhere? Very hard to tell.
As he has mentioned greener grass himself, it might be that he has had more attention from women since looking better and has had opportunities to cheat which he hasn’t acted on but have made him see that there could be a new, more exciting version of himself he could try out. Affairs are often about escape and reinvention. Not escape from their existing relationship (most want to go back home on discovery. The greener grass usually turns out to be Astro turf.) but actually to escape from themselves.
Maybe he’s seen opportunities to try out a different him, a different life and compared that to the version of himself he is now. If he turned his interest in this more exciting life towards you and his marriage, instead of looking for external validation, ironically he might be happier than he’s ever been.
To take your love and support in improving himself and then let possibly let his ego allow himself to turn his back on you in this way (if this is what it is) is very hard to forgive.
I would be asking him to define what this ‘greener grass is/ looks like and what it is that he is looking for. I feel for you as he is painting a very confusing picture for you to try to work out.

They are so pathetic. He’s involved with someone mentally. Maybe not done anything yet.

The grass is greener when it has been watered. If he hasn't watered his lawn it is on him and if he has a habit of forgetting to water the lawn, the new lawn will wither too.

I trod that same road. You literally can turn yourself inside out to help. I researched. I made suggestions. It comes though at a cost to yourself. They will drown you in their attempt. Time to move on to your new or regained self unfettered by the fucker.

This sounds SO familiar. I'm long divorced from a similar man child. We both worked but he had a long commute so I did all the cooking, shopping, housework and all the drop offs and pick ups for our child. After a work trip to Australia he came home and started talking about open relationships and asking me if I'd like to move out there! Well no as we had no relatives or friends there and I had an elderly Mum and LD sister I supported! Gradually withdrew from me over the next few months, moving from his life was wrong to I was the problem. Announced he was leaving by phone and that was it. Had a group of work mates mostly women who full on supported this (I think he may have slept with one of them) all of whom were really heavy drinkers. One has since died from alcohol related causes. He immediately moved away, so barely saw our child and basically lived the life of a single bloke around town. He said there was no other women but I think there were affairs. Basically he'd made his mind up and left our marriage long before and was shocked at how devastated I was! Now I look back and think God I missed a bullet! He lives on a barge with a partner who leeches off him and hasn't worked since they met. He also supports her three children. I kept the house and my child and have built a good life for myself.

The bit about being at him being surprised how devastated you were rings so true for me! He said he couldn't understand why I was so upset, insinuating I must have known it was coming. Well kind of, but I had given him space to do all his hobbies etc and have his midlife crisis while I held the fort with the kids and house. I didn't expect the payback to be leaving me once he'd completed his journey of self improvement. So cold.

I have never heard of a man leaving his family UNLESS he already has another woman waiting in the wings

honestly, both in real life and on MN it is extremely rare. I hope you are making sure you are doing what you can to protect yourself financially and emotionally

checking out like this is so selfish of him. You say he has lost weight and improved his health (with your help), so he has had a glow-up and now fancies his chances with …. someone else?

I'm not surprised you're angry. And after he told the couple's counsellor that he likes the idea of being single... I'd be furious.

My advice is to stop supporting him and to focus on yourself, because he won't support you.

I think this could be depression and with a diagnosis of diabetes too he may just be overwhelmed realizing he’s not immortal and feeling very vulnerable . When I was diagnosed with diabetes they (medic)were so bloody negative and tell you how it affects your body , you could lose limbs , have heart problems etc . Honestly I wanted to cut my wrists! Maybe see if it that ,if not nothing lost , it depends if you both want the marraige to continue but he needs to want it too .

He’s not leaving he’s trying to trying to provoke the op to tell him to leave. My exH had no OW (he ended up back living with his parents) and this is what he did.

If diabetes is not well controlled (which with alcohol it won’t be) this can cause mental health issues but my previous comment still applies - he has to want to stay and do the work. And that doesn’t seem to be the message he’s giving in counselling.

I told him exactly that at our counselling session. We have our second session on Thursday. I told him that he can’t just hang around because the logistics of leave are difficult, he has to want to stay for us ….

if I honest don’t know if his unhappiness has led to his doubts about our marriage or whether it’s the guilt or realisation that he is “stuck” in a marriage he no longer wants has led to the unhappiness… 🤷🏻‍♀️… I guess I won’t know unless he is truthful and, right now, I feel so angry I am not sure I would believe what he says.

during our first conversation about this I asked him if there is someone else, he said “no I wouldn’t do that to you” … at the time I believed it, but again, am I a fool to?

All these questions have been going through my head. It’s hard to tell what the genuine catalyst is when you are told he “doesn’t know” … so he either is lying or doesn’t want to tell me the exactly truth as he knows it will reflect badly on him.

Don’t get me wrong I am sure I am not a perfect human I can be crap at communicating sometimes and I am definitely guilty of allowing there to be an imbalance at home, where I feel I do everything and receive little help… but I never for one moment expected to be in this position

No one ever does.

Hi op it sounds like depression to me and his drinking will be making it worse. Would he try medication sometimes people just get into a rut and don’t know how to deal with it. The fact he’s drinking might mean he’s blotting out his misery I hope the counselling works.

@PunnyOliveTiger. Yes, a broad range of emotions, though it doesn't make men and women's feelings the same. Yes there are individual differences but we have different hormones at play and even now, different socialisation and we experience life differently because of these things. There is no doubt that we are different from each other, as it should be. The older you get the more you can see it. And the more times you hear about The Script.

My therapist pointed out that by not being honest about his feelings or intentions my dh was being manipulative as he wasn't providing the information I needed to make decisions for myself.
That phrasing changed my perspective a lot- I hope its helpful to you too x