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Original poster

What’s really going on here, Miserable Husband Syndrome?

171 replies

MeadowsRed · 30/11/2025 20:50

2 weeks ago I had to ask my husband what was wrong. He has been gradually disengaging from family life over the last couple of months and I had had enough. After much silence he told me he was not happy with life, and keeps feeling like he wants to move on. We have been together many years and have child who is 11. He says he is unhappy, doesn’t know why, there is no one else etc….. since this revelation my thoughts and feelings have been all over the place. I know it’s a cliché but I honestly feel like he is having a mid life crisis. I don’t believe he is having an affair but obviously I don’t know this for sure…. We started couples counselling last week and whilst I initially felt it was helpful to get things out there the more I process the more I rage I feel….. I have seen a couple of articles about “miserable husband syndrome” … has anyone heard/experienced such a thing? …..I have asked him what “moving on” looks like in his mind and does he think he would be happier… he said “not necessarily but at least I wouldn’t be inflicting my unhappiness on others”. I have asked if he thinks he is depressed, he says not….just not sure what to think….

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 02/12/2025 21:08

@MeadowsRed nobody’s perfect, don’t be hard on yourself. Nobody expects to be in this position until they are.

I think when you’re with somebody for a very long time you convince yourself that you know them inside out, you think you know who they are and can predict how they will react in a given situation.
That’s why stuff like this is shocking and really hard to deal with, you start to question your own judgement and stop trusting what you perceive as your reality.
I don’t think anyone can know anyone completely, that level of intimacy is rare and relies heavily on honesty. If one person is keeping something to themselves, then it comes out in an incomprehensible revelation which totally blindsides you. You literally don’t recognise them.
You don’t have to be a great communicator to just tell the truth, and he isn’t doing either of those things.
I can’t believe anyone contemplates leaving a marriage without knowing why. It is incredibly selfish to try to protect his self-image at the expense of your emotional wellbeing and safety, if that is his motivation.
He needs to find the courage to tell you what the hell is in his head, because something is. And he knows what it is.

CamillaMcCauley · 02/12/2025 23:03

In my experience “I don’t know” usually means “I do know but I don’t want to say as it will reduce my options”.

cobrakaieaglefang · 03/12/2025 10:42

I'd be tempted to call his bluff and say 'I agree something has to change, I can't buy you out so you stay with DC, I'll go, I can afford a studio with space for DC EOW.' I bet he backtracks when his 'freedom' is daily grunt with family he is responsible for producing, and its not you doing it all.
Depression etc causes problems but ultimately with family its his problem to sort and he has to stop navel gazing and get his shit together.

noidea69 · 03/12/2025 12:16

CamillaMcCauley · 02/12/2025 23:03

In my experience “I don’t know” usually means “I do know but I don’t want to say as it will reduce my options”.

In my experience “I don’t know” usually means “I do know but I don’t want to say as you wont be happy with what i have to say"

changedmyname24 · 01/02/2026 16:14

I haven't read the full thread but had to join after the first page!

DH has just turned 49 & I'm pretty sure he's going through a mid-life crisis! He is desperate to move house so that we can be mortgage free & he can become the writer he has always dreamed of being. He doesn't want to work in a job & would happily retire right now. He spends a lot of his time sighing & sitting with his hood up.

I, on the other hand, am pretty happy. I have a job I love & lots of friends & the DC are pretty wonderful & growing up nicely. It's not all roses - his mum died in 2021, DS2 has developed epilepsy making school life difficult & my mum is an alcoholic who won't change- but I don't think moving will help any of this. If anything we will lose the support network we have (me more than him, he doesn't have many friends locally as never made much effort) & DSes will all be unhappy as will have to settle into new schools & activities.

He is convinced that having more money will make it all ok as we will be able to pop to the pub more & go on more holidays. Conveniently forgetting that we will have less income too if he isn't working 🙄

I am finding it/him very difficult to live with & largely trying to avoid him! Which can't be healthy in a relationship 😔 But I don't want to lose him.

NigelForage · 01/02/2026 19:20

Holidays are only good if you're happy with what you're going back to

changedmyname24 · 02/02/2026 07:12

Which I don't think he is 😔

Original poster
MeadowsRed · 02/02/2026 10:25

changedmyname24 · 01/02/2026 16:14

I haven't read the full thread but had to join after the first page!

DH has just turned 49 & I'm pretty sure he's going through a mid-life crisis! He is desperate to move house so that we can be mortgage free & he can become the writer he has always dreamed of being. He doesn't want to work in a job & would happily retire right now. He spends a lot of his time sighing & sitting with his hood up.

I, on the other hand, am pretty happy. I have a job I love & lots of friends & the DC are pretty wonderful & growing up nicely. It's not all roses - his mum died in 2021, DS2 has developed epilepsy making school life difficult & my mum is an alcoholic who won't change- but I don't think moving will help any of this. If anything we will lose the support network we have (me more than him, he doesn't have many friends locally as never made much effort) & DSes will all be unhappy as will have to settle into new schools & activities.

He is convinced that having more money will make it all ok as we will be able to pop to the pub more & go on more holidays. Conveniently forgetting that we will have less income too if he isn't working 🙄

I am finding it/him very difficult to live with & largely trying to avoid him! Which can't be healthy in a relationship 😔 But I don't want to lose him.

Hi there, I am sorry to hear about your situation . I know mine isn’t directly comparable, but I have found the couples counselling very helpful. Do you think he would be willing to do something like that?

I am not suggesting that all out issues are resolved but it has been so helpful in unpicking both of our thoughts and feelings.

OP posts:
changedmyname24 · 02/02/2026 11:06

It could be worth a try. It sounds like your situation is getting better, which is great to hear.

NigelForage · 02/02/2026 11:59

I got bored of mine being overweight miserable moaning not doing anything and told him to shape up or ship out. Give him credit he did and it's much better.

changedmyname24 · 02/02/2026 19:09

Ok, so today my DH has created a separate WhatsApp chat about The Future. Just me & him. He has been messaging me in it all day.

He wants to move Year 10 SEN DS to a different school. We had applied to the local MLD school but been told DS too academic for them. So DH (MH!) has asked Chat GTP for a list & come up with Derbyshire, Oxfordshire, Cornwall & other places. We are currently in Essex. He wants to move to one of these places, sell the house, give up our jobs & live off Universal Credit. He is sure DS1 (17) & DS3 (11) would be fine leaving everything they have ever known for nothing they know at all. Won't miss/feel sad about big expensive school trip, girlfriend, friends, family etc. Seems to think it would make him happy & DS2 would thrive.

He won't talk about anything else. Talks about it whenever we're alone, makes spreadsheets on it. Is miserable. If I don't go along with it, I don't think our marriage will last. He is the only person I have ever loved, I can't finish it. But this is breaking me. And it breaks me to see how sad he is right now 😔

gamerchick · 02/02/2026 19:21

changedmyname24 · 02/02/2026 19:09

Ok, so today my DH has created a separate WhatsApp chat about The Future. Just me & him. He has been messaging me in it all day.

He wants to move Year 10 SEN DS to a different school. We had applied to the local MLD school but been told DS too academic for them. So DH (MH!) has asked Chat GTP for a list & come up with Derbyshire, Oxfordshire, Cornwall & other places. We are currently in Essex. He wants to move to one of these places, sell the house, give up our jobs & live off Universal Credit. He is sure DS1 (17) & DS3 (11) would be fine leaving everything they have ever known for nothing they know at all. Won't miss/feel sad about big expensive school trip, girlfriend, friends, family etc. Seems to think it would make him happy & DS2 would thrive.

He won't talk about anything else. Talks about it whenever we're alone, makes spreadsheets on it. Is miserable. If I don't go along with it, I don't think our marriage will last. He is the only person I have ever loved, I can't finish it. But this is breaking me. And it breaks me to see how sad he is right now 😔

Does he know that if you both quit your jobs and sell the house you probably won't get UC?

I know you say you don't want to lose him, but it sounds like he's already lost. You need to stand your ground before he puts you all in a hole. Why can't he just get his own pad somewhere and live off UC if he thinks it'll.be rosy. Trial run or something?

Holdinguphalfthesky · 02/02/2026 19:53

Even without you and your DC in this, he’s not well enough informed if he thinks you can “move to one of these places, sell the house, give up our jobs & live off Universal Credit”. You can’t have savings on UC and you can’t get it if you give your job up voluntarily. You also can’t deprive yourself of assets deliberately.

Anyway, would he be willing to seek counselling of some kind? Therapy? Try a new sport… anything to get himself out of what sounds like a dark place?

changedmyname24 · 02/02/2026 20:13

We already claim some Universal Credit due to disabled DC & jobs not paying loads (he is FT, I am PT 18.5 hours per week & do 90% of caring etc). Would that not carry on?

He would be open to counselling & is trying to get a career in stand up/comedy writing going. It's just not enough for him.

One of the main points he always raises is that he doesn't want to pay a mortgage for the next 18 years & wants to retire now. I only started working again 8 years ago & love my job so I don't want to retire any time soon! However, we are due to be debt free by June then we can channel that into the mortgage, but it's not enough for him. He realises that he spends maybe up to £200-£300 per month on going out etc but thinks that it's no life if he has to go without these. My going out tends to be to friends' houses or local pub so very low spend. If I point out that other people are worse off he just says we are not them & others are better off.

I just feel like I can't win.

hmyh23 · 02/02/2026 23:39

changedmyname24 · 02/02/2026 20:13

We already claim some Universal Credit due to disabled DC & jobs not paying loads (he is FT, I am PT 18.5 hours per week & do 90% of caring etc). Would that not carry on?

He would be open to counselling & is trying to get a career in stand up/comedy writing going. It's just not enough for him.

One of the main points he always raises is that he doesn't want to pay a mortgage for the next 18 years & wants to retire now. I only started working again 8 years ago & love my job so I don't want to retire any time soon! However, we are due to be debt free by June then we can channel that into the mortgage, but it's not enough for him. He realises that he spends maybe up to £200-£300 per month on going out etc but thinks that it's no life if he has to go without these. My going out tends to be to friends' houses or local pub so very low spend. If I point out that other people are worse off he just says we are not them & others are better off.

I just feel like I can't win.

UC reduces for savings over 6 grand, if you have over 16 grand savings you wouldn't get it any more as you'd be (rightly) expected to live off the money you have in the bank.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/02/2026 01:28

He is doing the classic thing of running away thinking that the next place/job/house/woman will make him happy.

Unfortunately it wont, because the problem is in his head and his head will be going with him.

Hold hard with saying no. Either he will agree to get help with his depression or he will leave, either of which would be a win for you and the kids compared to his suggested alternative.

@changedmyname24

changedmyname24 · 03/02/2026 09:09

Thanks. At the minute, I am largely just not getting into the conversations with him & hoping it will blow over! Which makes me feel guilty.

He is out a lot, chasing his comedy dream, so I do most of the physical stuff with the kids on my own. Activities, appointments, homework. We are averaging 2 appointments per week atm & 1-2 activities each night & weekend day. It does annoy me, but I haven't got time to mope, somebody has to keep things going!

When I write it all down, I know that my advice to me would be to LTB, but I just can't bring myself to do it 😭

daffsandbooks · 03/02/2026 13:32

@MeadowsRed - how are things for you now?

This thread is so interesting. I can count numerous marriages (including my own to an extent) where the late 40s/early 50s husband has become quite miserable and discontented. They can't ALL be having affairs/had their heads turned, but it would fit that it's an age where one does become aware of one's own mortality etc, and begin to think 'is this it?'

It's understandable that anyone, male or female, might be feeling like this at this age. What I cannot STAND though, is how SO many men seem to become so grumpy and difficult in the face of it, and start questioning their entire life set up. They start blaming their female partners for what their life at this age looks like - as if they didn't have their own free will to choose their own careers/get married/have children somehow.

It's what being an adult is, right? Building your life and taking responsibility for it, and, you know, being loving and kind to those who are part of it! So why DO so many men hit this age and go 'waaah I don't want this actually!' and become quite hellish to live with?

Whereas women, who are probably asking the same midlife questions AND are having to navigate the tumult of menopause, just get on with it!

Highhello · 03/02/2026 14:19

I think depression and possibly a low testosterone level could be an issues in a lot of men who go down this road. Men do seem to have a lot of regrets as they get older and get very disillusioned with married life and their kids. My dad became grumpy in his 50’s and stayed that way. My poor mum put up with him like that for years.

hmyh23 · 03/02/2026 14:28

daffsandbooks · 03/02/2026 13:32

@MeadowsRed - how are things for you now?

This thread is so interesting. I can count numerous marriages (including my own to an extent) where the late 40s/early 50s husband has become quite miserable and discontented. They can't ALL be having affairs/had their heads turned, but it would fit that it's an age where one does become aware of one's own mortality etc, and begin to think 'is this it?'

It's understandable that anyone, male or female, might be feeling like this at this age. What I cannot STAND though, is how SO many men seem to become so grumpy and difficult in the face of it, and start questioning their entire life set up. They start blaming their female partners for what their life at this age looks like - as if they didn't have their own free will to choose their own careers/get married/have children somehow.

It's what being an adult is, right? Building your life and taking responsibility for it, and, you know, being loving and kind to those who are part of it! So why DO so many men hit this age and go 'waaah I don't want this actually!' and become quite hellish to live with?

Whereas women, who are probably asking the same midlife questions AND are having to navigate the tumult of menopause, just get on with it!

Edited

Exactly what my husband did, said he wanted marriage and a family, I gave him it and when the novelty wore off he became miserable and distant, avoiding us at all costs to do his expensive hobbies. Finally confronted him to be told he didn't love me any more, which he felt very sorry for himself over (didn't appear to grasp it was an active choice he had made to ignore me for years). He was consumed by hate and resentment for me...for giving him what he said he wanted?! Anyway, 3 months into the separation I'm getting on fine and rebuilding my life after being dumped after 20 years and he's in his mothers box room feeling sorry for himself. Shockingly, it seems the problems weren't all caused by me after all! Who'd have thought it? I'm positively gleeful at the thought of his misery if I'm honest 💪

changedmyname24 · 03/02/2026 14:46

daffsandbooks · 03/02/2026 13:32

@MeadowsRed - how are things for you now?

This thread is so interesting. I can count numerous marriages (including my own to an extent) where the late 40s/early 50s husband has become quite miserable and discontented. They can't ALL be having affairs/had their heads turned, but it would fit that it's an age where one does become aware of one's own mortality etc, and begin to think 'is this it?'

It's understandable that anyone, male or female, might be feeling like this at this age. What I cannot STAND though, is how SO many men seem to become so grumpy and difficult in the face of it, and start questioning their entire life set up. They start blaming their female partners for what their life at this age looks like - as if they didn't have their own free will to choose their own careers/get married/have children somehow.

It's what being an adult is, right? Building your life and taking responsibility for it, and, you know, being loving and kind to those who are part of it! So why DO so many men hit this age and go 'waaah I don't want this actually!' and become quite hellish to live with?

Whereas women, who are probably asking the same midlife questions AND are having to navigate the tumult of menopause, just get on with it!

Edited

This is so true, it's a big cliche and none of us think it will ever happen to us, until it does 😏 I always say I don't have time to dwell on things & be miserable, which I don't! Even the DC have commented that Mum gets on & does things & Dad just sits for hours on end.

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