(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

[Smoggle123]

Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

Separate rooms.
I'm highly sceptical of men that claim to have sexomnia, it is just too convenient.
Honestly, anyone in your position would feel violated. It's just not on.

@OverlyFragrant we just don't have the room for that. It's so hard to prove/debunk as I am always asleep and abruptly woken up mid way with him having sex with me. He doesn't usually "come to" until the end, by then he is confused as to what has happened (but never complains about it happening)

You need to invest in cameras. Ultimately you are being molested, and he's either doing it unconsciously or fully conscious with intent and knowledge.
Have you tried waking him? Poking him somewhere painful, or splashing water on him?

Ugh I'm so sorry that is absolutely horrible. He sounds like a pig, even if he is actually asleep, he should be mortified. And he sounds a bit awful when awake tbh.

Do you not wake up yourself? If sleeping separately or leaving him wasn't an option, I would sleep in something which can't be taken off without waking me (eg a onesie) and if i woke up to him "asleep" trying to get it off I would throw water on him or slap him.

Rubbish. He’s lying. Bit of a coincidence that he suddenly wakes up right at the end isn’t it.

Yes if you wake up during the act, do you wake him up?

He has sex with you for a period of time and is totally unconscious throughout? I just don’t believe it, I’m afraid.
What happens if you try to push him off? Most importantly, is he not sorry after, as he knows you are not ready, being pp? My DH would be absolutely horrified if this genuinely happened to him, so at best he is content with knowing that he has violated you, against your will, even if he’s unconscious.
At worst he has raped you - I’m sorry.

@geekygardener tbh when it happened I am so exhausted from waking up during the night bfing dbaby, that I really tried not to wake myself properly. I'm awful at getting back to sleep and I had somewhere to be early that morning. I did remove his hand, but it didn't stop him proceeding. He doesn't remember me moving his hand away, or so he says.

If it’s real then he needs to go to the GP asap and he can sleep on the floor until he’s diagnosed and medicated. It’s awful and I can’t see how it isn’t rape?

@Houmousandcrisps he tried to downplay it at first, since this isn't the first time it's happened in our relationship I think he was hoping I'd not make an issue of it. Once he realised how bad it made me feel he took it seriously and is now feeling sorry for himself

You don’t have to put up with this.

I think when he finishes it wakes him up, or he wakes up mid way during actual penetration. The fondling he does to me beforehand he has no recollection of.

@geekygardener I really can't just up and leave. I have a baby, no where to go and DC who is due surgery this week.

He’s lying OP.
There’s a reason it only “happens” when you’re going through a dry patch and he’s frustrated.

If he is having sex with you without your consent it is rape , it's that simple.
Has he been to a docs / physiatrist or seeked help in any way ?

In the very short term if I were you he would be sleeping on the dofa and there would be a lock on the bedroom door.
I'd have a motion sensor light in the bedroom by the door
And it be wearing knickers + pj's .

I am not saying thus isn't a really issue for him ( I don't know enough about it) but you need him to sort himself out, be that medication or psychological.

Don’t believe a word of it

Nah, sorry. If it was Mike Tyson sleeping beside him I don't think he'd have no recolection of where he sticks his willy. You are fragile, tired and recovering, defo dont need the rape. You need to buy time and space, until you gather yourself to deal with it as a serious relatioship mayter... try wear a onesie, tell him to sleep on the floor, book a GP appt and tell him to medicate. And don't let him sleep beside with your baby.

He feels sorry for himself!
WTF ! * *

I don’t understand why you can’t stop him OP? Or is he physically forcing you?

Punch him firmly in the bollocks and see if that wakes him up?

Has he been officially diagnosed by a doctor who is a sleep specialist? If so, I assume he’s already made an appointment with them to flag that the issues are ongoing and he needs further support/treatment? If not, you must INSIST he contacts his GP on Monday to ask for a referral to get proper, specialist medical help for this condition. This will help to identify the cause and, more importantly, what options are available to treat it?

In the meantime, you would not be unreasonable to demand he sleeps on the couch and install a lock on your bedroom door to prevent any more ‘accidental, unconscious’ midnight fumblings.

If he genuinely has no control over his actions and he truly loves and respects you @Smoggle123 he’ll be more than willing to make this sacrifice to ensure your safety and to avoid risking any unwanted/unsolicited sexual interaction with his dear wife and mother of his children is incapacitated and unable to positively consent. If he refuses or sulks, I’d genuinely be considering separation and reporting him to the police.

It’s rape and this will ruin your life.

@Imnotsobadreally I was also asleep and woke up to him already doing things to me.

I don't know why I didn't stop it, he was already in the swing of things if you get my jist and I just didn't. It wasn't until after I woke up properly in the morning that I realised how it made me feel. I didn't really digest or think about it properly at 2 am. Baby woke up immediately after, so I settled her back down and went straight back to sleep

What in the world .. I’m quite shocked is this actually a thing?? Surely not, I’d dread being next to him. I second punching him in the bollocks. Please don’t sleep next to this atrocity tell him to sleep on the sofa. I’m very sorry you are going through this OP.