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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

583 replies

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 01:08

Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
mathanxiety · 30/11/2025 02:11

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 01:21

@Houmousandcrisps he tried to downplay it at first, since this isn't the first time it's happened in our relationship I think he was hoping I'd not make an issue of it. Once he realised how bad it made me feel he took it seriously and is now feeling sorry for himself

The 'feeling sorry for himself' part is very telling.

You're not dealing with a decent or honest man here.

I don't think he has a medical condition. However, he is putting you at serious risk of a medical condition.

I think he needs to sleep on the couch.
Or if you have a garden shed, he could sleep there. That in particular would focus his mind on getting medical help for this 'condition'.
Packing his bags and moving out would be an even better idea.

SpetacularlyLost · 30/11/2025 02:11

SunnyKoala · 30/11/2025 02:07

It has been used as an excuse in many rape cases just like the 'rough sex' defence for murder.

It is obvious why believing it is a lie is too horrible to contemplate but people are right to say look to his reaction. He's raping you and he's not that bothered about it?? Please find your own real life support. Perhaps a visit to a female GP?

Yeah... sadly, it sounds a bit Gisele Pelicot-ish

sickofsixseven · 30/11/2025 02:11

It's still rape from your perspective regardless if he actually has this condition or not. Its on him to put himself in a situatuon where he cant do this to you by sleeping elsewhere. Also, its grim but you have to make sure that your child is never in the bed with you. Ever. If he really doesn't know what he's doing how can he be trusted? He is dangerous and I can't believe any normal person would simply shrug it off like he is doing. Surely if it really is unintentional he would feel horrific about the whole thing?

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 30/11/2025 02:14

If he gave a shiny shit about you, he'd volunteer to sleep on the sofa. That he doesn't, speaks volumes.

Contact Women's Aid. This is rape and you can and should leave him.

ProfessorDrPrunesqualer · 30/11/2025 02:14

OP
8% of people studied at a sleep centre had sexomnia with the number higher for men than women

These are people who are monitored as they sleep in a room on their own so have no ‘alteria’ motives

Its far more common than I think people realise

Doctors do arrange sleep centre apointments for sleep apnea, perhaps your gp could have your dh assessed for sexomnia too

MyballsareSandy2015 · 30/11/2025 02:15

@ProfessorDrPrunesqualer are you a bloke?

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 30/11/2025 02:15

If my DP thought he had a medical condition that meant he was raping me in his sleep he would move heaven and earth to sort it out and he would sleep elsewhere while he did that. Why isn’t your DP sleeping on the sofa? Why aren’t you demanding that he does?

And why won’t you answer if he has been formally diagnosed by a sleep expert/doctor as others have asked?

Plum02 · 30/11/2025 02:17

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 01:54

I'm not being drugged, I am just terribly sleepy deprived which he is too. Apparently sleep deprivation can trigger this as well as just sleeping next to a partner.

I do believe it is an actual thing and a made up lie, it has been medically recognised so I didn't really come here to dispute the legitimacy of it. I just don't know where that leaves me in terms of my feelings

I’m so sorry OP but please have no doubt that your partner is raping you. He’s gaslit you into thinking this behaviour is out of his control and something you just have to put with. Sexomnia may be a real condition but any non-rapist with this condition would be absolutely horrified to learn they’d raped you during their sleep and would do everything in their power to stop it - including psychological help from the first time it happened, learning what their triggers are to ensure they can either avoid the triggers altogether or sleep separately when they know those triggers such a sleep deprivation are there and they are at high risk, for example by sleeping on the sofa or on the floor to create physical distance. They’d be so horrified to learn it had happened again they’d be trying to get support for you as any non-rapist would realise that being raped in your sleep (accidentally or not) would be absolutely traumatic for you. Instead his behaviour and attitude you’ve described show he has no desire or motivation to stop raping you in your sleep and think it’s perfectly fine. Sexomnia is a very convenient excuse. Please contact a local rape crisis centre for support.

FrodoBiggins · 30/11/2025 02:18

MyballsareSandy2015 · 30/11/2025 02:15

@ProfessorDrPrunesqualer are you a bloke?

A bloke who can't speak ulterior, or link a study?

StruggleFlourish · 30/11/2025 02:19

Although many seem unconvinced, let's go with the assumption that this is a real thing, and not a misogynistic excuse of marital rape.
You're physically exhausted from being with your newborn and being postpartum.
You're sleeping so soundly, and you wake up while he's touching you, molesting you, inserting himself, etc.
You're not to blame here. I'm a light sleeper so it's hard for me to imagine being this oblivious but, sleep deprivation, definitely. So yeah, you're being heavily asleep is not consent.
If your husband realizes he has this condition (self-diagnosed or has he actually been to a doctor?) and has not received any medical or psychological treatment for it,
And sees absolutely nothing wrong with what he's doing because in his defense, "well I was asleep I didn't know..."
That could be a defense once, maybe twice, until you figure out that holy smokes, this is actually a thing.
After that, sleeping separately, (him on the couch... Until he gets treatment)... That's also a thing.
I'm not saying that it should be up to you to be on the defense, but seeing as how almost everything is available online these days, by any chance, does anyone make the modern day equivalent of a chastity belt that can be worn while you're asleep?
You shouldn't have to put up with the discomfort of wearing such a thing, the cost etc, actually to be honest it's your husband that should be wearing this, but we can all imagine how much she'd agree to that if he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing because he can use the excuse that he didn't know he was doing it.

mathanxiety · 30/11/2025 02:19

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 01:54

I'm not being drugged, I am just terribly sleepy deprived which he is too. Apparently sleep deprivation can trigger this as well as just sleeping next to a partner.

I do believe it is an actual thing and a made up lie, it has been medically recognised so I didn't really come here to dispute the legitimacy of it. I just don't know where that leaves me in terms of my feelings

Has he personally been diagnosed?

If it's even a suspicion for him, why in the name of all that's good and holy is he not taking himself off to sleep on the bloody couch every night?
Or sleeping in Speedos?

Answer - because it's not bothering him at all that he's 'having sex with you despite knowing you have never consented to it'. There is a word for that, and he's getting away with it.

ProfessorDrPrunesqualer · 30/11/2025 02:19

MyballsareSandy2015 · 30/11/2025 02:15

@ProfessorDrPrunesqualer are you a bloke?

No
Youre welcome to check me out
on the feminist thread

hence my professor tag joke if you were on recent ones

I just don’t like people making assumptions
I’m aware sexomnia is a thing
Im aware there’s support available

Better advice that telling OP to leave

I have suggested dh sleeps on the sofa and he takes sleeping tablets until the route cause is sorted

sandraoliver989578 · 30/11/2025 02:21

Hello

ProfessorDrPrunesqualer · 30/11/2025 02:21

FrodoBiggins · 30/11/2025 02:18

A bloke who can't speak ulterior, or link a study?

I am crap at spelling 🤣🤣

k1233 · 30/11/2025 02:21

Number of ways to stop him without waking yourself up - though personally I'd be waking up and telling him if it ever happened again I'd snap his fucking penis (yes they can break)

If his arm is over you, reach up to his inner bicep, use your knuckles to get a pinch of skin and pinch hard and twist. Practise on yourself to see how it feels - hurts a lot even with little pressure. Repeat everytime. Follow up with a backhand punch to the nuts as he moves away from you. Your reflexes to protect yourself from non consensual sex are just as valid as his sexomnia

(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia
mathanxiety · 30/11/2025 02:22

Plum02 · 30/11/2025 02:17

I’m so sorry OP but please have no doubt that your partner is raping you. He’s gaslit you into thinking this behaviour is out of his control and something you just have to put with. Sexomnia may be a real condition but any non-rapist with this condition would be absolutely horrified to learn they’d raped you during their sleep and would do everything in their power to stop it - including psychological help from the first time it happened, learning what their triggers are to ensure they can either avoid the triggers altogether or sleep separately when they know those triggers such a sleep deprivation are there and they are at high risk, for example by sleeping on the sofa or on the floor to create physical distance. They’d be so horrified to learn it had happened again they’d be trying to get support for you as any non-rapist would realise that being raped in your sleep (accidentally or not) would be absolutely traumatic for you. Instead his behaviour and attitude you’ve described show he has no desire or motivation to stop raping you in your sleep and think it’s perfectly fine. Sexomnia is a very convenient excuse. Please contact a local rape crisis centre for support.

Every word of this.

torien · 30/11/2025 02:23

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 30/11/2025 02:15

If my DP thought he had a medical condition that meant he was raping me in his sleep he would move heaven and earth to sort it out and he would sleep elsewhere while he did that. Why isn’t your DP sleeping on the sofa? Why aren’t you demanding that he does?

And why won’t you answer if he has been formally diagnosed by a sleep expert/doctor as others have asked?

This, a dozen times over.

He hasn't done a damn thing to address his 'condition,' has he?

Noshadelamp · 30/11/2025 02:24

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 01:21

@Houmousandcrisps he tried to downplay it at first, since this isn't the first time it's happened in our relationship I think he was hoping I'd not make an issue of it. Once he realised how bad it made me feel he took it seriously and is now feeling sorry for himself

He's not taking it seriously by feeling sorry for himself. He should be feeling sorry to you if he was actually taking it seriously.

Has be been diagnosed properly by a psychiatrist or something other professional?

Guavafish1 · 30/11/2025 02:25

Get his to sleep on a mattress/floor until he gets proper treatment

SunnyKoala · 30/11/2025 02:28

ProfessorDrPrunesqualer · 30/11/2025 02:14

OP
8% of people studied at a sleep centre had sexomnia with the number higher for men than women

These are people who are monitored as they sleep in a room on their own so have no ‘alteria’ motives

Its far more common than I think people realise

Doctors do arrange sleep centre apointments for sleep apnea, perhaps your gp could have your dh assessed for sexomnia too

Where's your link? And I'm not sure how they are measuring likelihood of raping without awareness when there is noone there to rape.

Without a link I really think you should withdraw your comment as it could well encourage women, including the original poster who is currently bring raped, to put up with sexual abuse.

ProfessorDrPrunesqualer · 30/11/2025 02:31

FrodoBiggins · 30/11/2025 02:18

A bloke who can't speak ulterior, or link a study?

One such study

Sexsomnia is a specific parasomnic behavior recognized in the DSM-5 and the ICSD-3. DSM-5 lists sexsomnia under the diagnosis “non-rapid eye movement [NREM] sleep arousal disorders” (Ref. 1, p 399) and notes that it may also be called “sleep-related sexual behavior.” The ICSD-3 indicates that “sleep-related abnormal sexual behaviors” (Ref. 2, p 232) may represent a subtype of confusional arousal or sleepwalking, which themselves are disorders of arousal within the category of NREM-related parasomnias. Fedoroff and colleagues first described parasomnic sexual behavior in a 1997 case series assessing the motivation of men who sexually assaulted sleeping victims.4 Shapiro and colleagues subsequently coined the term “sexsomnia” in 2003 in a case series of 11 individuals who engaged in sexual behaviors while asleep.5Sleep-related sexual behavior is increasingly recognized as more common than initially presumed. In a population-based, cross-sectional study of 1,000 adults (51% women) in Norway,

the lifetime prevalence of sexual acts while asleep was 7.4 percent.

Comparatively, 22.4 percent had a lifetime prevalence of sleepwalking, 66.8 percent of sleep talking, 10.4 percent of sleep terrors, and 4.5 percent of sleep-related eating.6
Characteristics of Sexsomnia
Sleep-related sexual behaviors are as varied as sexual behaviors that occur while awake. Sexual acts performed while asleep include masturbation, spontaneous orgasms, sexual vocalizations, oral sex, anal sex, fondling another person, attempted intercourse, and completed sexual intercourse.7 In one study of sexsomnic behaviors, 75 percent of the individuals who engaged in sexual activity while asleep were men.
The most common behaviors included sexual intercourse and fondling.8
The most common diagnosis for individuals engaged in sexsomnic behaviors was disorder of arousal (86%), and the second most common was obstructive sleep apnea (14.3%).
About a quarter of the cases resulted in legal consequences.

In a recent review of 351 forensic referrals to a sleep center, 41 percent (n = 145) were referred due to sexual assault allegations. Of the initial 351 referrals, 31 percent (n = 110) were believed to be possibly sleep-related and were accepted for the purpose of a forensic sleep evaluation.9Reasons for rejection included behavior better explained by another medical or psychiatric condition and concomitant alcohol intoxication or illicit drug use. Of the 110 cases accepted for investigation, 52 related to sexual assault allegations. Sexsomnia was the most common diagnosis, representing 46 of 110 cases, with other diagnoses including disorders of arousal (n = 22), pharmaceutical toxicity with zolpidem or zaleplon (n = 18), and sleep deprivation (n = 7). Notably, the authors did not diagnose malingering in any of the 110 referrals.
Triggers for sexsomnic episodes, like other NREM parasomnias, include alcohol, recreational drug use, sleep deprivation, fatigue, circadian rhythm disruption (e.g., from airplane travel across time zones), psychotropic medications, and other sleep disorders like obstructive sleep apnea, bruxism, periodic limb movements, and restless leg syndrome.10,,12The majority of patients have a history of current or prior sleepwalking, sleep talking, or sleep terrors; studies have demonstrated that 11.1 to 35.3 percent of patients with sexsomnia may have no evidence of prior or current nonsexual parasomnic behavior.13,14 Most sexsomnic events occur during the first third of the night. Partners note that patients, when engaged in sexsomnia, are more direct, aggressive, less inhibited, less focused on the partner, and sometimes display sexual behavior that is atypical for the individual.13 The episodes are usually brief, lasting less than 30 minutes, and are initiated abruptly.7 Most sexsomnia patients do not have any recall of the sexual episodes; in one study, 96 percent of patients reported complete amnesia for the episode.8 A minority of patients have reported patchy or full recall of sexsomnia, especially if the partner reciprocated the sleeper’s sexual engagement.13 Patients do not often attempt to conceal their actions and are typically upset when they become aware of them.7

( There's more OP on how it’s treated on this study )

Facts and making information available are everything
Jumping to conclusions are not

Assuming I’m a man because I care about science and facts is really sexist !!!

(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia
Noshadelamp · 30/11/2025 02:33

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 01:54

I'm not being drugged, I am just terribly sleepy deprived which he is too. Apparently sleep deprivation can trigger this as well as just sleeping next to a partner.

I do believe it is an actual thing and a made up lie, it has been medically recognised so I didn't really come here to dispute the legitimacy of it. I just don't know where that leaves me in terms of my feelings

You are absolutely entitled to your feelings. You're allowed to feel how you do and I can't imagine not feeling violated in your situation.

It is worrying that he expects you to downplay it. Like pp have said, any decent man would be horrified that they had rsped their partner. Because they is what it is - he is having sex with you without your consent.

It's not your responsibility that he has a medical condition that means he's unconscious. It doesn't actually change the definition of rape.

In which case he needs to take responsibility for his actions against you and how you feel afterwards. He needs to take measures to ensure it doesn't happen ever again.

How on earth does he expect you to sleep in the same bed as him if there's a possibility you'll be violated as you sleep?? That's absolutely crazy, I don't know how you can sleep at night.

Also, is there a safeguarding issue with the baby? Where does the baby sleep?

ProfessorDrPrunesqualer · 30/11/2025 02:38

ProfessorDrPrunesqualer · 30/11/2025 02:31

One such study

Sexsomnia is a specific parasomnic behavior recognized in the DSM-5 and the ICSD-3. DSM-5 lists sexsomnia under the diagnosis “non-rapid eye movement [NREM] sleep arousal disorders” (Ref. 1, p 399) and notes that it may also be called “sleep-related sexual behavior.” The ICSD-3 indicates that “sleep-related abnormal sexual behaviors” (Ref. 2, p 232) may represent a subtype of confusional arousal or sleepwalking, which themselves are disorders of arousal within the category of NREM-related parasomnias. Fedoroff and colleagues first described parasomnic sexual behavior in a 1997 case series assessing the motivation of men who sexually assaulted sleeping victims.4 Shapiro and colleagues subsequently coined the term “sexsomnia” in 2003 in a case series of 11 individuals who engaged in sexual behaviors while asleep.5Sleep-related sexual behavior is increasingly recognized as more common than initially presumed. In a population-based, cross-sectional study of 1,000 adults (51% women) in Norway,

the lifetime prevalence of sexual acts while asleep was 7.4 percent.

Comparatively, 22.4 percent had a lifetime prevalence of sleepwalking, 66.8 percent of sleep talking, 10.4 percent of sleep terrors, and 4.5 percent of sleep-related eating.6
Characteristics of Sexsomnia
Sleep-related sexual behaviors are as varied as sexual behaviors that occur while awake. Sexual acts performed while asleep include masturbation, spontaneous orgasms, sexual vocalizations, oral sex, anal sex, fondling another person, attempted intercourse, and completed sexual intercourse.7 In one study of sexsomnic behaviors, 75 percent of the individuals who engaged in sexual activity while asleep were men.
The most common behaviors included sexual intercourse and fondling.8
The most common diagnosis for individuals engaged in sexsomnic behaviors was disorder of arousal (86%), and the second most common was obstructive sleep apnea (14.3%).
About a quarter of the cases resulted in legal consequences.

In a recent review of 351 forensic referrals to a sleep center, 41 percent (n = 145) were referred due to sexual assault allegations. Of the initial 351 referrals, 31 percent (n = 110) were believed to be possibly sleep-related and were accepted for the purpose of a forensic sleep evaluation.9Reasons for rejection included behavior better explained by another medical or psychiatric condition and concomitant alcohol intoxication or illicit drug use. Of the 110 cases accepted for investigation, 52 related to sexual assault allegations. Sexsomnia was the most common diagnosis, representing 46 of 110 cases, with other diagnoses including disorders of arousal (n = 22), pharmaceutical toxicity with zolpidem or zaleplon (n = 18), and sleep deprivation (n = 7). Notably, the authors did not diagnose malingering in any of the 110 referrals.
Triggers for sexsomnic episodes, like other NREM parasomnias, include alcohol, recreational drug use, sleep deprivation, fatigue, circadian rhythm disruption (e.g., from airplane travel across time zones), psychotropic medications, and other sleep disorders like obstructive sleep apnea, bruxism, periodic limb movements, and restless leg syndrome.10,,12The majority of patients have a history of current or prior sleepwalking, sleep talking, or sleep terrors; studies have demonstrated that 11.1 to 35.3 percent of patients with sexsomnia may have no evidence of prior or current nonsexual parasomnic behavior.13,14 Most sexsomnic events occur during the first third of the night. Partners note that patients, when engaged in sexsomnia, are more direct, aggressive, less inhibited, less focused on the partner, and sometimes display sexual behavior that is atypical for the individual.13 The episodes are usually brief, lasting less than 30 minutes, and are initiated abruptly.7 Most sexsomnia patients do not have any recall of the sexual episodes; in one study, 96 percent of patients reported complete amnesia for the episode.8 A minority of patients have reported patchy or full recall of sexsomnia, especially if the partner reciprocated the sleeper’s sexual engagement.13 Patients do not often attempt to conceal their actions and are typically upset when they become aware of them.7

( There's more OP on how it’s treated on this study )

Facts and making information available are everything
Jumping to conclusions are not

Assuming I’m a man because I care about science and facts is really sexist !!!

Edited

Title didnt fully load

(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia
ProfessorDrPrunesqualer · 30/11/2025 02:44

SunnyKoala · 30/11/2025 02:28

Where's your link? And I'm not sure how they are measuring likelihood of raping without awareness when there is noone there to rape.

Without a link I really think you should withdraw your comment as it could well encourage women, including the original poster who is currently bring raped, to put up with sexual abuse.

It’s to do with eye motion, brain activity ( you are hooked up to monitors ) etc all related to Sexsomnia
They aren’t watching and monitoring to see if someone gets up and tries to bonk the bed post

ive posted the key part of one study upthread

In terms of suggesting there is inaccurate information in my posts there isnt

Im discussing how OP should get her husband to be tested to evaluate whether he has sexsomnia.

It’s surely other posters shouting leave him that aren’t helping at all when in fact he may have a condition that if he gets assessed could be sorted.

MyballsareSandy2015 · 30/11/2025 02:55

@ProfessorDrPrunesqualer do you not understand that his behaviour around all this is concerning … this isn’t a loving worried husband needing a diagnosis ffs