(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

[Smoggle123]

Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

He can always wear a chastity belt if he really can’t control it.

but until he has a diagnosis act with scepticism and keep him far away from you

@Smoggle123 this may be useful but electrified.

Let’s be clear it is much more statistically likely he is a serial rapist and he is lying to op

Please call rape crisis op
https://rapecrisis.org.uk

They will offer you full support. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

This is not okay, I would be buying a new mattress and sleeping anywhere else. On the floor in the kids room is better than this.

Unless you’re in a bed sit. There’s somewhere else for him to sleep so he needs to sleep elsewhere.
If he does this in his sleep you need to wake him up. Slaps or squeeze his balls hard, bite him, pinch him somewhere tender hard. If it’s real it’ll wake him up and he’ll stop and if he’s faking it he’ll stop.
He needs to go to the doctors. Unwillingness to go to the doctors or sleep elsewhere unfortunately would point more towards faking it.

He is out of order but you need to stop him immediately, even if you don’t wake up until halfway.

I do not believe the crime of rape requires proof of intent. Sexual penetration without consent is rape.

Christ on a bike. If this was genuine he would be mortified. He would have gone to the doctors immediately. He'd voluntarily remove himself. He would show a bit of concern and respect for you - your bodily autonomy and the fact that you need your fucking sleep because you are knackered looking after his newborn. He's a rapist. Kick him out. Then go to the police. This is intolerable.

He is raping and assaulting you

So @Bournetilly if it is not rape and the man just can't help it. Surely he would go to the GP to try and get help as even though he didn't mean to as he had no control in essence he has raped his wife who has said she's not ready at the moment to oarticipate.
So what happens if he doesn't get treatment and this happens when he's near one of the kids.
Thankfully since 2003 his actions have been outlawed in the UK. Whichever way he dresses this up it is rape.

The cure for Sexomnia is to push him off and then knee him in the nuts. Whether he is asleep or not, his subconscious will eventually register this response. Scientifically this is known classical conditioning after Pavlov's dog, of which your husband does sound like one.

You can thank me later.

Medically recognised by whom?

Look, if and it’s a very, very, very, very big he has the condition he doesn’t care what it’s doing to you. If you don’t consent it’s rape, no ifs or buts. You said it yourself, he’s feeling sorry for himself because he sees himself as the victim. Why isn’t he sleeping and locking himself in the bathroom? It’s because in his eyes having sex with an unconscious person is no biggie. That tells you all you need to know about this man.

He’s got a get out of jail card to repeatedly rape his wife and he’s ok with that. Urgh what a despicable human. If your daughter was in a relationship with such a man, what would you advise her to do?

The OP isnt coming back

Unfortunately many men do use this defence in rape cases.

Has he seen a doctor about this sexomnia?

At the very least, he needs to sleep elsewhere and you stick a wedge under the bedroom door until he's seen a doctor. He doesn't get to rape you unconsciously or not. He should be wanting to get treatment for it.

If he's not willing to do any of that, then he's just a common variety rapist.

He needs to see a GP about his ‘problem’. And either he sleeps elsewhere, or you should folllow previous advice of wearing a onsie - I would add the extra precautions of a safety pin (or nappy pin) fasting the zip up.

She might be still reading. It’s important that she knows she is a victim of rape, and gets proper support.

She is living with a man, potentially a predator, and he is repeatedly raping her, regardless of whatever excuse he is trotting out, and she urgently needs support and protection.

If it's genuinely sexsomnia, then you should be deeply concerned that he could rape your children in his sleep, quite aside from him already raping you repeatedly, and it's not safe for him to sleep unrestrained in the house.

Once you've pointed that out to him, I'm sure he'll be happy for you to handcuff him at bedtime to ensure that he can't molest you again, or, god forbid, his children. Right?

...Unless of course he's just a disgusting pig who thinks he's entitled to sex despite you not feeling ready, and is using 'sexsomnia' as an excuse to rape you whenever he feels like he's not 'getting enough'. Which I'm fairly certain is the case.

I'm sorry, OP. What a shitty situation for you. I hope you can get away from him sooner rather than later, because having to tolerate your husband using your body at night without consent, and then blaming it on a medical condition, is no way to live, and honestly doesn't sound like a salvageable marriage.

So sorry you’re going through this. I’d invest in a couple of onesies and wear pants underneath in the meantime and get the morning after pill in your bedside drawer until you get him an appointment with the GP at the very least.

That’s a good point re your children’s safety op.

It would be much safer if he lived elsewhere for now. Supervised contact only with the children until you have explored what the options are for treatment IF it’s diagnosed.

Neither you or your children are safe currently.

So if your husband did this to (for example) a fourteen-year-old girl who just so happened to be staying the night at your house, it wouldn't be rape? He wouldn't have raped her? She wouldn't have been raped?
"Your honour, I don't remember holding her down and sticking my penis in her repeatedly against her will, traumatising her for life, therefore I'm not guilty of doing so!"

Jesus Christ, the mind boggles.

I find it very odd that his episodes coincide with you asserting boundaries.
And he seems to just accept that once in a while he'll rape you, but lolz, what can he do?
He needs to immediately remove himself from your bed (he can treat himself to a blow up mattress if need be). Next he needs to get medical help.

I think you should seriously consider moving to a place of safety until he has taken steps to fix this. Or permanently.

I have parasomnia, meaning that I do various things in my sleep. I have talked, walked, and masturbated over the years.
I don't know if I've masturbated - that relies on whoever I share a bed with telling me I've done it.
Sometimes I wake myself up talking, so I know I've done that.
Walking - I only know I've done if I see evidence of what I've done whilst sleepwalking. I've mostly lived on my own, so there generally haven't been many who've witnessed anything.

I have woken up thinking someone broke into my house while I was asleep, because a drawer had been completely pulled out from the chest in my bedroom, and placed on the floor.
I regularly top up the liquid hand soap dispenser with water in my sleep.
I have turned my alarm off in my sleep.
The most worrying instance was when a steak knife went missing from the drainer overnight, a couple of years ago. It was one of a vintage boxed set of six. I distinctly remember washing it up and putting it in the cutlery drainer the night before. There was nobody else in the house, and it wasn't there in the morning. Worrying for my own safety, and that of others, that I'd taken to walking around with a sharp knife in my sleep.
I've never found that knife; checked the bins and cleared out every drawer and cupboard. I can only think that I did actually leave the house with it. It's a horrible thought.

My parasomnias seem to be triggered by insomnia and/or stressful points in my life, so it makes sense that your partner is doing this now. So I guess the thing to do is try to reduce stress, if he can.
Counseling around the current lack of intimacy may be helpful for him; I feel my period of sexsomnia was related to relationship issues at the time. No other partner has ever reported that I've done that, although I've never lived with anyone else.
It might be worth a visit to the G.P. - perhaps there's some medication he can take to help with sleep and/or stress.

I'm really sorry that you're on the receiving end of it.