(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

[Smoggle123]

Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

Then he needs to do something about it… today or tomorrow…. see a dr because saying it’s a real thing and raping your partner is never ever ok….

you are seriously downplaying this

I ended a relationship because of this. But in actual fact it was just one of the things that that made me realise I was in an abusive relationship.

It would only happen when he was drunk, but it was every single time he was drunk. He claimed he couldn't remember, but in my opinion that was because he was drunk not suffering from sexsomnia.

The telling part was when I pulled him up on it, he would sulk and even ghosted me on one occasion. He claimed he needed time to process it all. In other language, he was pissed off with me for not accepting it.

I can relate to how you are feeling OP. It is kind of wtf just happened here. The first time I brushed it off but my mind was going 1000 miles per hour trying to digest what happened.

I asked him to stop drinking so excessively when we were together (we didn't live together), but that didn't happen so clearly he was not going to do anything about it.

It is a real thing, rarely.

OP, is alcohol involved here ?

I’m sorry OP but this is still rape isn’t it? If my DH did this he would be so repulsed by his actions he would immediately move to the sofa to try to keep me safe, and seek urgent medical help. He would never find abusing me in this way acceptable because he wasn’t conscious of it. And neither would I!!!

I hope your baby and other children are never in the same bed as him…

Wear pyjamas, get a camera and a camp bed for DH.
He can't sleep with you.
Do you need the morning after pill?

Husband has a choice of having the snip pronto, or wearing a spikey male chastity torture device from the Victorian era.

Husband needs to instigate visiting GP and taking remedies seriously. Is it a real thing?
I feel so sorry for you. It is very dangerous. You can never allow co sleeping with your children.
Your adult intimate life needs to be revisited

Exactly this!

In my situation this was the most wtf part.

"You have repeatedly assaulted me. Instead of accepting what has happened and actually do something about it (stop drinking so heavily, or go see a GP for advice) so that I doesn't happen again, you just go off and sulk for days and stop talking to me"

This to me was crux of the situation. He didn't stop drinking or seek help or advice.

I’m sorry but if this was actually a thing then every man would be using it as defence in court cases. I didn’t rape her I’ve got sexomania!

This man is raping you. Gaslighting and sulking when you protest and making it seem your fault. Call the police rather than a gp!

Is he abusing you in other ways? Is he controlling?
Because you seem afraid to tell him to sleep on the floor or on the sofa?
How has he taken accountability for his actions?
Does he sleep walk too?
People who have this condition also do many other stuff.
Anyway, you seem far too forgiving.
Just say he has to sleep on the sofa because you dont want to get accidentally raped again!

He's continually raping you and trying to pretend he's the victim when you say anything. You're not safe in one of the places you should be safest, in bed with your partner. Call the police, get him out and don't minimise this

If DH had this ‘condition’ I know his immediate priority would be my safety. He would move out of the bedroom, tell me (and the kids) to lock doors and would be urgently seeking medical attention. He would sit with me during the day and listen to how it made me feel, apologising profusely throughout.
The condition may be real (I’d be interested to know how many women vs men are diagnosed) but if he’s not doing everything I’ve mentioned above, the chances are he doesn’t have it.

@Smoggle123 im sorry you’re experiencing this.

you have every right to feel all the feelings you are feeljng

havent read through the data in detail so will not comment on my thoughts about the condition itself but as another PP has stated your DH response to you is very telling.

1)If I were you I would be asking him to sleep anywhere else - the sofa / blowup bed in the bathroom etc until you’re getting more sleep and feel more able to challenge this should it happen again
2) get some good long acting contraception on board - implant / coil as a huge part of the anxiety is a second pregnancy and this will allow you to have some autonomy over your own body
3) you need to sit your husband down when you’re both awake and explain that whilst he believes he has this disorder - you are feeling like you are being sexually assaulted as you’re not able to consent to what he’s doing and have stated clearly you don’t want sexual contact. What are his thoughts on how to keep you safe? If he doesn’t suggest seeing a medical professional then. I would be out. It’s frightening to me that he’s not worried about your safety.

i do struggle to see how penetrative s3x can happen without either of you being awake enough to notice - do you feel like you could challenge him once he’s started penetrating you?

hope you’re ok x

It is a real condition

Whilst some men do have sexsomnia it seems other men are ,as you have suggested, using sexsomnia as a defence in rape cases.
So taking advantage of a very real issue some people suffer from

can’t link the article I’m afraid but here’s the headliner from the Guardian

so I have been with some who one played with himself in his sleep and two tried to with me. I can 100% guarantee he was asleep it was really obvious (he did it for maybe a min and then rolled over snoring so bloody loud) so I do believe it can happen (at least the being handsy part) However if your not comfortable with it then he needs to seek help

That's what I feel. While sexomnia is a real condition it's easy to fake it and gaslight partner too.

@Smoggle123 is he officially diagnosed? By whom? What treatment has he sought/is he receiving for it.
You say there is no room. Not even in sitting room? He can sleep on couch and you can take bed and lock it till he undergoes treatment and is cleared by experts. Otherwise I do not see your relationship surviving.
Am also concerned that you don't wake up as he does this. Dont accept drinks or foods that he handles that you eat a couple of hours before bed. The stats on men that drug wives and have sex with them are shocking

If he is a loving partner and a true sexomniac he should he actively seeking treatment/therapy and in between, doing everything in his power to protect you from himself. Sleeping on the sofa should be a small sacrifice for him to make for you.

Sorry you are going through this op

This is bullshit. This is rape. He is a rapist. He knows what he is doing.

You need to literally wake up to the fact that he is raping you. He’s lying about this. He is a rapist. You need to leave, and report him to the police.

he is pestering you when awake as wrll so yes he is a shitty person.

he is raping you while you soeep. Saying he doesnt have a recollection of it isn't an excuse. If true, what is to stop him raping your children?

If I found out that I had done something like this to my DH in my sleep even once, I'd be straight to the drs, full of shame and looking for answers. I would also remove myself from the bedroom, even if that meant sofa or a roll away bed somewhere else. No way would I continue and brush it off.

Has your DH been to the Dr?

Unless he has been diagnosed you should approach it as him having sex with you without your consent.

he needs to sleep in another room until he sees a dr this is nonnegotiable. If not go somewhere with your baby. I understand you are tired and stressed and overwhelmed but this is pretty serious and you need to take it seriously.

Protect yourself, you deserve better than this. What would you advise a friend?

If your DP truly had sexomnia, he would be absolutely appalled that he was having sex with you without your consent and with no protection and his concern would be for you. In reality, he is just feeling sorry for himself because you have raised this as an issue and he has made no attempt to seek medical advice about this condition.

Like many of the other posters, I am reluctant to believe him. It may be a condition that is medically recognised but that doesn't prove that he has it. Tell him that you both need to visit the doctor together (I wouldn't trust him to go on his own) to seek help and advice.

In the meantime, he needs to sleep elsewhere, on the sofa if necessary.

You raise an interesting and scary point. Thinking back to when I had a newborn baby, despite being sleep deprived, I would still wake up at the slightest noise or movement from her. I feel like at that stage, you never really go into a full deep sleep, no matter how tired you are. It is strange how the OP doesn't wake up when this is happening.

It’s vile. He sleeps in a onesie that buttons up the back from now on.

If it was a real condition, he would be absolutely horrified to learn he hss been repeatedly raping his partner.

Any normal person would be devastated to have done this without their own consent, and partners and would have already taken measures to prevent any further harm by removing himself, going to the GP etc.