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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

583 replies

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 01:08

Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 20:24

I may have to step away from this thread as I'm finding constantly reading about it really upsetting. I don't plan to put my head in the sand about this but I can't give you all the update you want just yet. I wish I could pack my bags and just leave but I truly have no one to go too. I don't think I could cope right now completely on my own. I just need to take this one step at a time and make sure I do it right so I don't end up backing out.

Thanks to all that shed some light on sexomnia. I do agree that, wether dp has it or not, what is most alarming is his lack of willingness to do anything to stop the risk of further incidents. He just seems to laid back about it all, which to me means he is quite happy to have me deal with this as it doesn't affect him negatively.

There is a serious lack of respect and care in my relationship. I'm taken a back by how much so. I didn't think our relationship was this weak.

Anyways, signing off for the night. Thanks everyone

OP posts:
FrodoBiggins · 30/11/2025 20:25

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 20:20

So we had another talk which got my back up as I felt he was trying to excuse what had happened rather than just being sincerely sorry.

It was like "oh but you said X was okay before we went to sleep"

I fail to see how consenting to one thing means he can decide to have penetrative sex with me, when I've already said no prior to that, and then decide to finish inside me and risk pregnancy impacting all of us as a family.

I'm just beyond speechless.

No I can't ask him to leave as this is his place and we aren't married...hence the dp!

Why would a conscious discussion have any relevance to his unconscious acts if he's truly unaware of them?

Blizzardofleaves · 30/11/2025 20:25

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 20:20

So we had another talk which got my back up as I felt he was trying to excuse what had happened rather than just being sincerely sorry.

It was like "oh but you said X was okay before we went to sleep"

I fail to see how consenting to one thing means he can decide to have penetrative sex with me, when I've already said no prior to that, and then decide to finish inside me and risk pregnancy impacting all of us as a family.

I'm just beyond speechless.

No I can't ask him to leave as this is his place and we aren't married...hence the dp!

This is so serious, can you possibly ask him to go to his mother’s house, as you need some space. Or can you and dc go to your parents? A friend or relative?

It’s pretty horrendous that he isn’t even remotely sorry op. I am speechless too. The brazen indifference to raping you is just sickening. Absolutely sickening.

LoisPuddingLane · 30/11/2025 20:27

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 20:24

I may have to step away from this thread as I'm finding constantly reading about it really upsetting. I don't plan to put my head in the sand about this but I can't give you all the update you want just yet. I wish I could pack my bags and just leave but I truly have no one to go too. I don't think I could cope right now completely on my own. I just need to take this one step at a time and make sure I do it right so I don't end up backing out.

Thanks to all that shed some light on sexomnia. I do agree that, wether dp has it or not, what is most alarming is his lack of willingness to do anything to stop the risk of further incidents. He just seems to laid back about it all, which to me means he is quite happy to have me deal with this as it doesn't affect him negatively.

There is a serious lack of respect and care in my relationship. I'm taken a back by how much so. I didn't think our relationship was this weak.

Anyways, signing off for the night. Thanks everyone

Take care OP. Don't feel you owe us any outcome. We just want you safe.

OtterlyAstounding · 30/11/2025 20:29

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 20:20

So we had another talk which got my back up as I felt he was trying to excuse what had happened rather than just being sincerely sorry.

It was like "oh but you said X was okay before we went to sleep"

I fail to see how consenting to one thing means he can decide to have penetrative sex with me, when I've already said no prior to that, and then decide to finish inside me and risk pregnancy impacting all of us as a family.

I'm just beyond speechless.

No I can't ask him to leave as this is his place and we aren't married...hence the dp!

It's absolutely not fair on you, but you may just need to sleep on the sofa, OP, with him behaving that way. At least then you'd be able to sleep unmolested. Is there a reason you'd feel incapable of doing that? Or incapable of telling him that if he tries it on again, you'll react violently?

Because if you feel you can't be blunt and angry with him over this for fear of his reaction, then the relationship seems abusive in general and you need to make plans to extricate yourself.

Hopelesscase32 · 30/11/2025 20:32

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 30/11/2025 19:02

Lemme see:

  • Shock.
  • Denial about what's just happened to her.
  • Concern that the high dose of hormones will get into her milk supply.
  • Belief that lactational amenorrhea protects her.
  • Lack of money to buy it
  • Inability to get to the pharmacist with a baby in tow.

Do you think this prince amongst men will support her in getting emergency contraception? Some men use rape and forced pregnancy as a means of controlling their wives.

I'm not quite sure why you are being so aggressive. It was a simple question. It never came from a judgemental place.
She said she has not too long had a baby and her husband is raping her in her sleep. So yes i am wondering why she wouldn't go and protect herself against an unwanted pregnancy

Blizzardofleaves · 30/11/2025 20:49

Op I posted as you did. Take as long as you need, and do things your way. You certainly don’t owe us an outcome - but please do what you can to protect yourself now you know what’s happening is rape. You must feel so overwhelmed.
The GP can offer free counselling now both in person, on line and over zoom. You might find this really helps you process this.

Starlingsintheloft · 30/11/2025 21:00

As a victim of domestic abuse you do have rights, regardless of whose name is on the tenancy/mortgage. You can call police on 101 for help and advice or log a report on your local force’s website. https://womensaid.org.uk/ can also take you through your options. A solicitor can also help.

BeenThereBackThen · 30/11/2025 21:07

Haven’t RTFT but on practical side, how is this even possible? If you go to bed wearing knicker and a pj on top- that’s quite a few layer to get through and claim it’s ‘sexomnia’ or whatever bullshit excuse he wants to use.

Also, he’s not ridden with shame and guilt and apologising- that is also speaking for itself.

Knee in the nuts every time as a cure. You’re having a nightmare every time it happens and act in your sleep, therefore can’t help it.

LoisPuddingLane · 30/11/2025 21:29

BeenThereBackThen · 30/11/2025 21:07

Haven’t RTFT but on practical side, how is this even possible? If you go to bed wearing knicker and a pj on top- that’s quite a few layer to get through and claim it’s ‘sexomnia’ or whatever bullshit excuse he wants to use.

Also, he’s not ridden with shame and guilt and apologising- that is also speaking for itself.

Knee in the nuts every time as a cure. You’re having a nightmare every time it happens and act in your sleep, therefore can’t help it.

Of course it's possible. Most things you wear in bed have elastic and are easily pulled down, if that is what someone wants to do.

ThatCleverCoralCrow · 30/11/2025 21:49

Er OP do not trust this man. What a load of manipulative bullshit. This is sinister stuff and I think you are being lied to/manipulated and understandably very confused. You do not have to accept being treated like this.

Boeufsurletoit · 30/11/2025 21:54

Take care OP. You don't owe us outcomes or updates, and you've got a lot of women on here wishing you a safe night.

Intrigued20 · 30/11/2025 22:03

You look after yourself.

Imdunfer · 30/11/2025 22:13

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 20:20

So we had another talk which got my back up as I felt he was trying to excuse what had happened rather than just being sincerely sorry.

It was like "oh but you said X was okay before we went to sleep"

I fail to see how consenting to one thing means he can decide to have penetrative sex with me, when I've already said no prior to that, and then decide to finish inside me and risk pregnancy impacting all of us as a family.

I'm just beyond speechless.

No I can't ask him to leave as this is his place and we aren't married...hence the dp!

Holy shit OP, I'm so sorry. You're facing a Christmas knowing you aren't with the man you thought you were. I don't know whether to be more incensed at the rape or the possible pregnancy. I hope you find a way forward from this.

rainbowruthie · 30/11/2025 22:21

Sending kindest thoughts to you x

Ripplemoment · 30/11/2025 22:21

I can well understand that this is overdue OP.
Please tell your GP so there is a record of it should you need it.

He is a very bad man.
This is all on him.
I'm so sorry.

Bigcat25 · 30/11/2025 22:26

Hopelesscase32 · 30/11/2025 20:32

I'm not quite sure why you are being so aggressive. It was a simple question. It never came from a judgemental place.
She said she has not too long had a baby and her husband is raping her in her sleep. So yes i am wondering why she wouldn't go and protect herself against an unwanted pregnancy

She's exhausted with two young children. Give her time to react. It's not easy to get to a pharmacy and take painful meds.

Hope you're ok op.

Thatsalineallright · 30/11/2025 22:42

Wishing you peace and safety, OP. Take care and only post again if you think it will be helpful to you, you don't owe anyone anything.

Lamentingalways · 30/11/2025 22:52

I think he needs to be on the sex offenders list personally. I know it’s hard OP and I can see you don’t want to believe it but even if he were telling the truth (he’s not) then he would want to get help to stop raping his wife and he hasn’t because he wants to do this. It’s a conscious decision he makes. Surely being housed by the council is better than being raped by your partner. Can you set a voice recording going forward? So that you can record yourself saying no to him? If you have proof that you fled an abusive relationship with children in tow then you should surely get help. Also, report this! Your children (daughters?) will be adults one day and apparently he can’t help this at all and has no control over it right? You see where I’m going and I’m sorry to do that but if he was telling the truth then that would be something to worry about.

JoClogs · 30/11/2025 23:00

This reply has been deleted

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Moggies3 · 30/11/2025 23:06

Absolute bullshit
He knows what he's doing and it's rape
End of

OneFineDay22 · 30/11/2025 23:21

In the meantime OP, my friend who has it puts a pillow in between them and their partner and this stops it from happening. You could do that. There shouldn’t be a reason he would object to it under the circumstances. Also, could you take a morning after pill if you’re worried about the possibility of pregnancy? You don’t owe anyone on here your obedience to their advice, or any updates.

CatzAndDogs · 30/11/2025 23:34

Take care of yourself OP. You don't need to come back here if you don't want to. Just know there is support out there for you when you need it.

KeepAwayFromChildren · 01/12/2025 06:26

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 20:24

I may have to step away from this thread as I'm finding constantly reading about it really upsetting. I don't plan to put my head in the sand about this but I can't give you all the update you want just yet. I wish I could pack my bags and just leave but I truly have no one to go too. I don't think I could cope right now completely on my own. I just need to take this one step at a time and make sure I do it right so I don't end up backing out.

Thanks to all that shed some light on sexomnia. I do agree that, wether dp has it or not, what is most alarming is his lack of willingness to do anything to stop the risk of further incidents. He just seems to laid back about it all, which to me means he is quite happy to have me deal with this as it doesn't affect him negatively.

There is a serious lack of respect and care in my relationship. I'm taken a back by how much so. I didn't think our relationship was this weak.

Anyways, signing off for the night. Thanks everyone

What about wearing one of those spiky anti rape devices in your vag?

It would be interesting to see if that 'woke him up'.

If he objects, tell him it's a non negotiable in your life until he gets treatment.

He's using you in every respect. You might as well be a sex doll.