(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

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Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

You don't have to have sex with anyone you are not willingly to do so and actively and engaged with.

This is wrong on all sorts. I can't actually believe this is a "thing" yet another label to excuse an absolutely abhhorent act.

No real man would have sex with their sleeping partner. Sleepy sex (both awake, conscious and engaging with each other but cosy) is one thing but this is just beyond belief.

You do not have to have any sort of sexual encounter in which you do not want be involved.

I can't believe this lie is real, in terms of it being a properly scientifically proven, particularly in terms of women's point of view (And I've been around for quite a few years).

Madness!

My husband has this also. It is a real thing. I was stupid and didn’t know what was going on but j was able to push him off somehow even though he’s twice my size! I was a fool and didn’t tell him , no idea why, but like other posters say he needs proper treatment for this. He needs to know it is a problem. It left me feeling reslky violated and scared.

You are being raped OP

You should seek help from a Rape Crisis Centre , or some organisation such as Women' s Aid. From people in a position to give you support and advice.

This is rape. My husband would rather tie himself to his side of the bed rather than do this. The cruelty in gaslighting you that there’s nothing he can do and the pouting after. This is the most disturbing thing I’ve ever read on mumsnet. He is fully aware before he goes to sleep he could rape you and he doesn’t care. It’s absolutely abhorrent.

If it is a medical condition that a very small minority of men (which I am absolutely dubious about) have then please listen to PP whose husband's would rather sleep on the sofa or get away and seek treatment, rather than put you through this.

Please seek advice for yourself rather than justify / or rationalise his actions.

‘behaviour around all this is concerning ‘ If he has sexsomnia he doesn’t know he is doing it so yes it’s all very concerning

Read the facts
That’s why he needs assessing and treatment

Average 7% of the population of men and women combined

Mostly men at 10%
( but women also have it )

I don’t think 10% is a small %

Wake him & tell him to stop!

I think this might be the most important line of the study @ProfessorDrPrunesqualer linked: “Patients do not often attempt to conceal their actions and are typically upset when they become aware of them.”

OP’s husband couldn’t act more to the opposite of that, first brushing it off, and now, when he realizes that OP isn’t just going to accept rape, he’s moping. MOPING. I can’t even really imagine, but I would hope that if any man I know was raping his vulnerable partner during his sleep, knowing that she specifically did not give consent and was very clear that she didn’t want sex, he would be absolutely horrified, offer to sleep on the sofa or the floor until it was resolved. And we don’t even know if this is sexomnia - he needs to be properly diagnosed, and if it’s real (for him), he should WANT to be properly diagnosed and get help. Suspicious as fuck that he doesn’t care, and that this only happens when OP has said “no” while awake. OP, I know you say there’s no room, but an inflatable mattress fits almost anywhere. Put him in the baby’s room and bring the baby in with you.

Out of what scale of investigation? I couldn't quite cut through it but I think the max was 14 people?

Btw who are also interested in investigating such things maybe?...

From your "source"

Absolutely this.

1000 men and women in Norway ( ie the one I copied )

Other studies have been smaller in sample ( as far as I’m aware)
It was first ‘understood’ as a form of sleep related disorder in 1897.

There are many cases of both men and women having sexsomnia for decades and not knowing what it is. I think it important people are made more aware

I think this is rape, not sexomnia.

Can you replace sofa with a sofa bed and he sleep there?

Would wearing pants and pajamas help? If he tried again at least one of you would wake up before it starts due to the fuss of undressing involved.

When he's inside you pretend you're asleep too, then sleepily whisper another man's name in his ear. Kaboom.

Partners note that patients, when engaged in sexsomnia, are more direct, aggressive, less inhibited, less focused on the partner, and sometimes display sexual behavior that is atypical for the individual.

From your own report. Do you not understand that there is a woman who does not need to have an excuse for her abuse. You call yourself a feminist who likes facts, I also would like to see the source of this report or 1000 people, and their background and why they are taking part in such a survey.

For a start, I’d go to bed wearing a onesie. I’d be looking to see his reaction to that. Like many posters, I don’t believe he’s got sexomnia: you say he’s feeling sorry for himself, which sounds far more like someone who knows he’s been caught out than someone who was asleep the whole time. I would also expect him to move out.

I think I'd develop a sleep disorder where I punched folk who woke me up or grabbed a dildo and rammed it up their arse ... 'oh sorry dear, I was asleep so it's no bother is it?'

Seriously, whilst I can accept this is real, its also rare - people CAN do all sorts of things in their sleep, my Mother used to get up and wander around, she could unlock the door and we didn't hang around to find out if she could get the car keys and start the car once we realised that! My friend would sit up in bed, start talking to you, she'd even light up a ciggy, but what she was talking about would rapidly not make sense and she'd try to stub out her ciggy literally anywhere.

People with scary sleep disorders are generally quite upset about them and do their best to not cause harm to themselves or their partners.

So either he is lying - and the fact this only happens when you won't agree to shagging him suggests this is the case..

Or he really does have it... and does not care that he is raping you in his sleep.

Either way, it paints a picture of a pretty unpleasant person.

This is a description of one occasion. Has it happened multiple times?

I don’t understand why he hasn’t moved to the sofa. DH would be fucking horrified if this happened and would remove himself from me.

I believe it’s real but I’m not sure your DP has it tbh given he doesn’t seem particularly concerned about the prospect of raping you.

If you have a bed frame that you could hand cuff him too, I’d seriously be doing it. Also long johns, and pillow dividers.

He should be on the fucking sofa! My god. The fact that he feels sorry for himself and not for the fact that he is essentially repeatedly raping you is utterly horrendous.

There must be a way you can get out of this situation. This shouldn't be your life.

I’ve slept in bed with a man with it before (not a partner just a friend) who warned me prior and told me if he did anything to literally push him out the bed even if it meant them landing on the hard tiled floor. He was embarrassed and ashamed and concerned that he didn’t harm me physically or emotionally.

He did get handsy and humpy but if I elbowed him he would roll over asleep mumbling - the same way you’d expect someone who is snoring to…you elbow them, they’d stop snoring and be obviously asleep… they just garble nonsensical words then fall back into deeper sleep.

it still didn’t feel nice but it was very obvious he was asleep. It’s a form of sleep walking, if someone was sleep walking you’d realise after a second or two that they aren’t in their conscious mind.

i know you’re sleep deprived but it seems odd that you wouldn’t wake up - are you wearing pyjamas? Sorry if you answered this already. From my (one and only experience) it would be difficult for them to manoeuvre through clothing - they aren’t acting on external reality so how would he be consciously aware that your clothing was in the way? And how would he be able to softly remove enough clothing without waking you up - essentially they’re like a dog trying to jump your leg…there’s no degree of subtlety…

and I know you said you’re sleep deprived so fair but it seems odd still that you wouldn’t notice at all until he’s already half way done. Are you wide awake after these encounters? Are you hearing the baby? is the baby in your room still?

You’ve been r@ped. Im so sorry

This is rape. Whatever the reason, whatever the excuse, whoever’s asleep or not asleep, it’s still non-consensual sex which is rape. Sorry OP but your husband is abusing you.