DH blamed sex life on me being fat

[Dululu]

So for context I am size 16-18, approx 15 stone, so objectively yes I am fat. When we got married seven years ago I was 11 stone and size 12-14. I put on some weight during lockdown, some after having our daughter, and some more due to taking prescribed steroids. My ‘normal’ weight is more like 12-12.5 stone and a standard size 14.

We are having fertility treatment at the moment and our sex life has been dire. So much so that on ‘scheduled’ days DH sometimes just w*nks until he is ‘ready’ and then I come in at the end. Sex has been an issue for years really, with me wanting more sex and us to go to bed together, but he likes to stay up and watch tv alone.

Tonight we’ve had a horrible argument- he made a joke about my boobs being saggy which I didn’t find funny and told him so, he then marched off saying ‘have a sense of humour’ and mocking my voice. Later he said he was really offended that I had previously suggested he look into his testosterone levels as his libido seemed low. And that he was fine when we got married, and what had changed, looking me up and down i.e. it’s all about my weight. He also said ‘Are you blind or are you dumb?’ when referencing this.

This isn’t the first time he’s been nasty about my weight, he’s thrown it in my face a few times before. I wouldn’t mind things being said in a kind way at a calm time as part of a sensible decision discussion, but it’s always been as an insult.

He doesn’t seem to care about upsetting me. I think this might be the end.

Um I was a 16 - 18 at 15 stone, height and muscle mass is the key differentiator, surely you must know this?

Glad you've reached out to your dad, please allow him and anyone else to help. I promise although it seems really scary right now, down the line you'll start to feel better and I should imagine a lot calmer without someone playing games and talking to you so badly.
You really do deserve so much better! Sending hugs.

Exactly this. And if he himself is 18 stone like OP said, then he really needs to reel the insults in! He could've just suggested they go on a get fit kick together if they both wanted to, supporting each other along the way rather than be nasty or use shame. The man is a horror.

What a deeply unpleasant individual he is.

You don’t have to put up with being treated like that, and that doesn’t make you a princess, it makes you tired of his shit.

While I acknowledge change in size can impact physical attraction, even for one's spouse, the way he expressed it was disgusting. His comments about your boobs was especially disgusting given that is not fully in our control. (Mine have started to sag unfortunately and part of it is weight gain.)

I know you want another child but do you want one with this man? He will destroy your self-esteem.

Not true - our whole society places enormous value on looks - especially on how women look but increasingly on how younger men look too. At 15 stone, OP is obese not just fat and that is a serious health risk for her regardless of what her husband thinks or says. She needs to get help to stop comfort eating as being this overweight is as dangerous as drinking too much or smoking.

Absolutely this. So glad you have reached out to your dad. Dont stay married to this man, let alone have another child with him. He doesn’t love you, in fact it sounds like he doesn’t even like you. You don’t have to put up with this, you deserve more.
Incidentally, I do agree physical attraction can be affected by size. It’s how he has expressed that, and how he is treating the op that is disgusting.

I would never have another baby with a man like this just wow.
There are non rude ways of telling you things.

He is actually more like 18 stone himself.

Oh honey no no no no no! That makes it worse.

I thought it was fair....till I saw that he was 18 stone.

Not sure that's fully true. It can impact sexual desire but he has handled it wrong.

Plus he is fat too so case of pot meet kettle.

How do you not understand how different height and body build impact dress size?

I am a size 18 exactly. And apple shaped size 18 yet I weight 17 stone. Because I am tall with a solid frame for a woman (tall, broad shoulders, big hands, big feet.)

If love disappears if a person alters from some ideal then it suggests a shallow relationship. Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds...
Being overweight is a bad idea, true. And OP needs to lose some. I am a size 14/16 and I don't weigh anything like 15 stone, so she's not a size 16 either.

We live in a shallow society that only values looks and youth. Supporting doing so does no-one any good. If you are only with someone because they fit the modern ideal of looks and reject them if they change, then you are a) shallow b) have no clue what love means.
Yes, OP is obese. Also lying to herself. At 15st she is not size 16. But her DH could put it more helpfully and maybe help her change her eating habits etc rather than just carp.

Another person who does not understand how height and frame can impact what different dress sizes different weights need....

She should lose weight….approximately 18st in one go by slinging her DH and his suitcases out the door.

Please leave
Please don't have a baby with this vile man

You’re right when you say it could be said in a calm way as part of a discussion.

Absolutely no need to say it in a nasty way.

I gained weight over the last couple of years, I wasn’t obese but my BMI was 28 and I was very unhappy. It was only after I’d lost all the weight, that my husband admitted he really didn’t like me fat. Still loved me, but didn’t find me as attractive. Of course he didn’t; I couldn’t bear to look at myself in the mirror. I’d not be thrilled if he gained weight either.

I have made him promise to mention it if I ever gain weight again. Couples should be able to say this to each other in kindness, not anger.

Christ, I wouldn’t want to kiss someone who told me I was too fat to fancy, either. I really don’t think you can be blamed for that. He’s horrible.

She says she’s 16-18. I’m a 16-18 and I weigh 14 stone - and I’m only 5’2”! If the OP’s taller than me she could easily be that size and weight.

When I was a size 8-10, I weighed just over 10 stone. My friend was the same size but was 8 stone! It’s perfectly possible for someone with a naturally strong and muscular build to be 15st and a 16-18 - especially if they’re tall.

Not that any of this matters, because the OP’s husband is a cunt either way. W

Thanks for the support, posts debating whether I’m really the dress size I say I am really not helpful, not sure why I’d have any reason to lie!

I’m tall and do weight training, for what it’s worth.

Being obese directly impacts fertility as well overall health and yes sexual desire for most people who are a healthy weight. Her husband is a hypocrite as he's also obese.

The dress size doesn't matter one way or the other.
Dress sizes have increased over the past 30 years.
A size 10 back in the eighties is now a size 6 or 8 all to delude women that they are a healthy size when in fact we have an obesity epidemic.

It literally does not matter. I’m a 16-18 and my DH tells me every day that I’m beautiful and he adores my body. He has been with me thinner and bigger but he loves me, and is attracted to me. So weight changes to not change that!

You deserve this too. Peoples bodies change for many reasons but it doesn’t ever change your right to respect.

I would also ask why you’re willing to have a baby with someone who treats you like this