Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH blamed sex life on me being fat

238 replies

Dululu · 26/11/2025 22:52

So for context I am size 16-18, approx 15 stone, so objectively yes I am fat. When we got married seven years ago I was 11 stone and size 12-14. I put on some weight during lockdown, some after having our daughter, and some more due to taking prescribed steroids. My ‘normal’ weight is more like 12-12.5 stone and a standard size 14.

We are having fertility treatment at the moment and our sex life has been dire. So much so that on ‘scheduled’ days DH sometimes just w*nks until he is ‘ready’ and then I come in at the end. Sex has been an issue for years really, with me wanting more sex and us to go to bed together, but he likes to stay up and watch tv alone.

Tonight we’ve had a horrible argument- he made a joke about my boobs being saggy which I didn’t find funny and told him so, he then marched off saying ‘have a sense of humour’ and mocking my voice. Later he said he was really offended that I had previously suggested he look into his testosterone levels as his libido seemed low. And that he was fine when we got married, and what had changed, looking me up and down i.e. it’s all about my weight. He also said ‘Are you blind or are you dumb?’ when referencing this.

This isn’t the first time he’s been nasty about my weight, he’s thrown it in my face a few times before. I wouldn’t mind things being said in a kind way at a calm time as part of a sensible decision discussion, but it’s always been as an insult.

He doesn’t seem to care about upsetting me. I think this might be the end.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 27/11/2025 10:59

Leave him. Find someone who will love every inch of you regardless of how your body may change - cause trust me it’s not done changing yet.

He doesn’t care if he upsets you. That’s the bottom line. He has no respect or care for you. Leave him and love yourself.

ClawedButler · 27/11/2025 11:06

He's a pig. He's worn your self-esteem down to make himself feel superior. Because deep down he knows you ARE too good for him.

Nothing he says is real - it's all about bringing you down. A wise woman once said, don't pay attention to what men say, pay attention to what they DO. The actual words he's using are beside the point - if it wasn't weight, it would be something else. It's the ACT of trying to erode your self-respect, making you doubt yourself, hurting you, upsetting you - that's the point.

Kick this insecure nasty bullying manchild into the long grass.

Happyjoe · 27/11/2025 11:10

I am sorry, you could be the size of a house and you would still be too good for him, weight has nothing to do with this either, it's his attitude. He's a bully, unkind to the woman who he is supposed to love no matter what, he's shown zero understanding either about having a kid and being on steroids and lacks any self-awareness if he's 18 stone himself.

...and of course, he is not a good role model for children.

If he's not going to sit down and talk to you as an equal, sort out troubles between you then I can't see why you'd want to stay to be honest. It'll just be more of the same for your whole married life.

Unicorn34 · 27/11/2025 11:16

Im so sorry you're having to listen to him speaking to you like that. I wouldn't want to even hold hands with him, let alone have sex.

Please respect yourself more. If you're holding off walking away for any reason then you need to shut yourself down from him emotionally and physically. Love yourself and your child, dont let him into that loving relationship.

I bet you anything you like he will start to want a physical relationship with you once you no longer want it - then its your turn to say "no, I'd rather do it myself as I no longer find you attractive (you fat, rude git)"!

Bigboldfont · 27/11/2025 11:22

Please don't have a child with an abusive prick. You will end up leaving him eventually, may as well be now. Go find someone who does appreciate you and want to have sex with you and be happy.

AmythestBangle · 27/11/2025 11:32

What a disgusting man. You cannot stay with him, for your own sake and that of your daughter you have to leave this relationship. The longer you stay the more you are damaging your own mental health and hers. Absolutely do not have another baby with him.

Burntt · 27/11/2025 11:36

I think him feeling the way he does about the weight is fair but the way he has approached this and how he has spoken to you is disgraceful and unforgivable

AlphaApple · 27/11/2025 11:49

Bigboldfont · 27/11/2025 11:22

Please don't have a child with an abusive prick. You will end up leaving him eventually, may as well be now. Go find someone who does appreciate you and want to have sex with you and be happy.

She already has one child with him. It's not as easy as going off to find the next bloke...

U53rName · 27/11/2025 11:50
  1. Not feeling sexual attraction to a fat person is a valid way to feel.
  2. It’s interesting when that view comes from someone who weighs 18st themselves, and doesn’t have a physique to rival Joe Wicks. Pot, meet kettle…
  3. Verbal abuse on the matter is 100% inexcusable.
  4. LTB
user1471538283 · 27/11/2025 11:56

Well that's that then. My ex called me fat when I was pregnant with my DS, then said I had to lose the weight, then when I lost the weight I was a "skinny bitch". 30 odd years later that stayed with me. He was insecure and useless so he projected.

I would leave.

UnhappyHobbit · 27/11/2025 12:01

Please listen to what he is saying. Your weight and clothes size is actually the same as me before and after lockdown. My DH has approached it with me in a far kinder way. He’s very encouraging of any changes I’m making and also reassures me how much he still loves and fancies me. You deserve to be treated nicer.

Grammarnut · 27/11/2025 12:07

If you love someone and want to be with them then how they actually look isn't an issue. Do dump this misogynist.

Novemberbrain · 27/11/2025 12:08

You and DC deserve a loving home and not this nastiness 💐

Edited my first post as missed that you already have a child together - sorry, stupid of me.

Wickedlittledancer · 27/11/2025 12:09

Grammarnut · 27/11/2025 12:07

If you love someone and want to be with them then how they actually look isn't an issue. Do dump this misogynist.

No but it can impact If you want to shag them or not.

Redburnett · 27/11/2025 12:12

There are many things in your first post that are incomprehensible. Why are you having fertility treatment when you are not even having sex? Surely the first thing to try is having lots of sex? I don't understand how you can be size 16-18 at 15 stone, I am size 16-18 at 12 stone (and average height). I don't understand why you are trying for another child, given the difficulties you are having right now, another baby will make the situation worse, not better. I don't understand why you think your DH being unpleasant about your weight is the one thing worth posting about, with so many other issues going on......

Original poster
Dululu · 27/11/2025 12:19

Thanks to everyone who has posted support. I have now told my dad a little of what’s been going on and that I think I might need to leave. Our family circumstances are changing soon in such a way that it would be much easier for me to leave.

OP posts:
JoClogs · 27/11/2025 12:22

It's not nice to be told by your partner that he's not attracted to you any more but I can understand where he is coming from as my DH is a comfort eater and he ballooned after our first child came along rather than the other way round. It was as if he thought he didn't need to make the effort any more. This also affected our sex life. He has since developed type 2 diabetes and has fatty liver disease which is impacting his day to day life.

BatshitOutofHell · 27/11/2025 12:25

Wickedlittledancer · 27/11/2025 12:09

No but it can impact If you want to shag them or not.

Show quote history

I agree, but how you deal with that is key. Do you taunt and shame them about it or are you honest, but kind? If he doesn't fancy her then he has the right to leave if he wants, but to stay and shame her isn't on.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/11/2025 12:37

Dululu · 27/11/2025 12:19

Thanks to everyone who has posted support. I have now told my dad a little of what’s been going on and that I think I might need to leave. Our family circumstances are changing soon in such a way that it would be much easier for me to leave.

I’m glad you’ve taken the first step op. Hopefully you’ll take the next few on your stairs to happiness. It is so so important for your dc that you get away from this scum. Please teach your children and yourself that any one of the things he has said to you, should render you leaving a relationship the first time they are said.

everythingswrong1971 · 27/11/2025 12:49

He’s horrible. You’re worth far more than that

Fernticket · 27/11/2025 12:51

Redburnett · 27/11/2025 12:12

There are many things in your first post that are incomprehensible. Why are you having fertility treatment when you are not even having sex? Surely the first thing to try is having lots of sex? I don't understand how you can be size 16-18 at 15 stone, I am size 16-18 at 12 stone (and average height). I don't understand why you are trying for another child, given the difficulties you are having right now, another baby will make the situation worse, not better. I don't understand why you think your DH being unpleasant about your weight is the one thing worth posting about, with so many other issues going on......

Wow, you don't understand much do you. Perhaps find a thread which you do understand. Your comments are not helping the OP at all.

AlphaApple · 27/11/2025 12:57

Confiding in people IRL is a great step 💐

browser2025 · 27/11/2025 13:08

Redburnett · 27/11/2025 12:12

There are many things in your first post that are incomprehensible. Why are you having fertility treatment when you are not even having sex? Surely the first thing to try is having lots of sex? I don't understand how you can be size 16-18 at 15 stone, I am size 16-18 at 12 stone (and average height). I don't understand why you are trying for another child, given the difficulties you are having right now, another baby will make the situation worse, not better. I don't understand why you think your DH being unpleasant about your weight is the one thing worth posting about, with so many other issues going on......

Oh my Lord. Do you really need her bra size, height, and hip measurements before deciding whether she’s worthy of your advice? Has she not already shared enough personal, intimate details for you? Do you honestly need more?

And regarding fertility treatment, how can you claim to know anything about her situation? She’s already told you they’re having sex, perhaps not in the way she hopes, but it’s happening. That’s hardly relevant to whether she deserves to share her story or receive genuine advice.

You don’t need to understand why she’s trying for a child; those reasons are hers alone. What matters is that she’s reaching out and listening to compassionate strangers suggesting it might be best not to right now. What a cruel way to push a woman down when she’s already hurting.

JoClogs · 27/11/2025 13:14

Grammarnut · 27/11/2025 12:07

If you love someone and want to be with them then how they actually look isn't an issue. Do dump this misogynist.

It does in the real world - saying that might sound kind but if she is overweight that may also be contributing to her infertility issues. Being obese knocks as many years off your life as smoking or drinking and we don't tell smokers to keep puffing away if their partner doesn't like it.

usernamealreadytaken · 27/11/2025 13:15

Dululu · 26/11/2025 22:52

So for context I am size 16-18, approx 15 stone, so objectively yes I am fat. When we got married seven years ago I was 11 stone and size 12-14. I put on some weight during lockdown, some after having our daughter, and some more due to taking prescribed steroids. My ‘normal’ weight is more like 12-12.5 stone and a standard size 14.

We are having fertility treatment at the moment and our sex life has been dire. So much so that on ‘scheduled’ days DH sometimes just w*nks until he is ‘ready’ and then I come in at the end. Sex has been an issue for years really, with me wanting more sex and us to go to bed together, but he likes to stay up and watch tv alone.

Tonight we’ve had a horrible argument- he made a joke about my boobs being saggy which I didn’t find funny and told him so, he then marched off saying ‘have a sense of humour’ and mocking my voice. Later he said he was really offended that I had previously suggested he look into his testosterone levels as his libido seemed low. And that he was fine when we got married, and what had changed, looking me up and down i.e. it’s all about my weight. He also said ‘Are you blind or are you dumb?’ when referencing this.

This isn’t the first time he’s been nasty about my weight, he’s thrown it in my face a few times before. I wouldn’t mind things being said in a kind way at a calm time as part of a sensible decision discussion, but it’s always been as an insult.

He doesn’t seem to care about upsetting me. I think this might be the end.

Why on earth are you trying to conceive another child in these circumstances? It sounds far from a happy marriage or a good situation to bring a baby in to.