In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

My ex only realised he could not brow-beat the world into bending to his will when the courts got involved. You have done the right thing in taking this to court. You need the support of a court order to be able to enforce boundaries he so clearly has no hesitation in trying to bulldoze through. If the grand parents are now supplying child care that’s great, they can continue to do so in the designated times the court allocates him when he is away. Step back from all contact with him other than through your solicitor and the parenting app. Make all handovers at school so you don’t need to see each other. From my experience, courts understand too frequent phone calls can be disruptive - every other day is more than ample, and if the kids don’t engage, so be it. My ex arrived in court with a QC - yours may be tempted to - don’t worry, I found the courts were used to seeing Dads turn up with expensive lawyers and were more than capable of ensuring this didn’t skew decisions. In the end you’ll probably agree a schedule in the corridors outside the court (or your lawyers will), but the fact the judge is there if needed if agreement is not made does focus minds on what actually works best for the kids.

I know, my therapist pretty much said the same thing, I just don't get it.

Yes I do record everything, he's even got some of the Mums on the school run on his side, and one of them messaged me, pathetic. He's very charming and has a very good job, he can do no wrong in their eyes!

I have now given an age appropriate talk to both children, telling them the outline of why we left and what's going on. It's such a shame I needed to, but I don't want them thinking he can do no wrong and I'm the villain for trying to put some structure in place, so they end up seeing him less.

Thank you, I'm finding it incredibly hard to stick up for myself. Unfortunately his family are vile and so are some of his friends, one of whom is trying to turn other people against me!
I know I need to stay strong and stick to my values and my plan. I am going to limit the phone calls when they're here, they don't help.

School are aware, I've got a meeting with them today as well.

I have started seeing someone, nothing serious, so maybe this might scare him off?!

My brother wants to leave him an angry voice note and so far I've told him not to, but maybe I should!

She hates me, and had a go at me a few weeks ago, so unfortunately that communication line is now down...

Exactly this! He literally won't do anything I say and we all have to stick to his mad chaotic plan, which fits entirely around his weekly work schedule. He can't see that that's unreasonable!

I can't wait for a judge to (hopefully) back me up!

Well I'm very pleased your therapist agrees with me, it's good to know I'm not giving you bad advice. You just don't get it @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo because you have a completely different mindset to your Ex. It's simple really, your first instinct is to put your DC first and not to upset them anymore, your Ex cares about winning, he wants to be the injured party who did nothing wrong so he has to paint you as unstable, unfair, that wicked woman whose keeping him away from his DC, he doesn't care that it's not true, he just can't cope with losing.
He's just used to having it all his own way, he thought you'd go on fitting in around his work and social life as you did before, now he's found out different he can't handle it. Hold you head up Op, if anyone asks just tell them the courts will resolve it

PLEASE do not bring a new boyfriend into this. It will backfire spectacularly and actually, regardless, of how much of a massive plonker your ex is (and there's no doubt he is) your new chap must not get involved with this at all. Keep him as your venting partner. Nothing more.

To be fair I wouldn’t even vent. My ex ended up leaving after a year because my exh was a nightmare. Keep your new man for fun. I’d actually recommend not bothering at all at this stage but if you are getting into it, try and keep the two completely separate

I don't think your brother should do anything that will blow back on you.
Making threats that can be played in court would be a disaster.

Keep your boyfriend out of this.
Your ex will twist it somehow.

Continue with your baby steps.

Well done for speaking to your children.
Absolutely limit their phone contact while with you, completely if necessary.
Tell the school everything so they know how difficult things are.

Keep notes, don't hesitate to contact the police.
Ignore anyone on his side.
Keep reminding yourself that for him the children don't matter.
It is so hard to comprehend this, but you have to work very hard at accepting it, as it will make you stronger when you do.

Everything you are doing is in the childrens best interests.
You will get through this.

Very good advice above.

Also.. the friends he's turning against you. You can dump them when you dumped him.

MIL - she is not helpful and is only listening to him. Don't bother.

School gate Mum. This stupid gossiping woman needs to mind her own business.
She is likely reporting back. Just remain calm and unbothered (even if you are seething) "I know you mean well ( you know she doesn't) but This is something exDH and I, as DC's parents will have to work out. It's not helpful or necessary for outsiders to get involved."
and stay out of this woman's way as much as possible. Don't give information to any of the parent friends your ex charms.. ( He may not be as popular as he thinks they are probably more interested in the gossip.)

Put on a brave, calm, unperturbed unfazed face and walk tall. You are a good parent with your children's best interests at heart. Let that give you confidence. Save your cares and woes for real friends outside of this circle who you know are not going to run to ex with tales.
Plan some nice activities for your DC to keep them all busy and with "friendly" school friends, which will show that you are keeping things as calm and normal as possible for your DC and that will speak for itself. (Record keeping is important as he probably won't be able to organise these social activities)
Luckily, its nearer the end of term so there's not too many weeks of this school gate nonsense to go. And when you see these idiots - As George Costanza used to say "Serenity Now!"

Just keep breathing.......

Judges are/should be directing contact as is best for the children. You demonstrating chaos should shoot him in the foot.

So he’s gearing towards parental alienation. Campaigning towards turning people against you, changing the narrative and planting seeds (of are you safe) so that your relationship with your own DC are affected.

I would call WA and get some advice, document everything and also be calm etc at any school pick up (as you know everything is being reported back to him).

I'd be tempted to allow all the phone calls to the children - but tape them. Judges are not too keen on parental alienation and you'd have proof of the attempts and possibly of them distressing the children.

Thanks, he definitely did think he could leave me, we'd live in the same house together, me at his beck and call for childcare, completely around his hectic work schedule... then when he was given lower hours he'd move out and get 50/50... but again I'd fit completely with his random work hours.

I haven't and to be fair he wouldn't... he's a lovely distraction right now, and that's all I need him to be!

Thanks so much, I am going to limit phone contact a bit this weekend, I know his grandparents have been talking to them both about me 'wanting to keep them all to myself'... it's not good for the stress for my eldest either having his Dad ask if 'he's safe?!' ridiculous. I am just keeping going, just do the next thing...

I read every word of this and I know you're right. I've got some lovely friends at School, I'm seeing one of them tonight, and people have been hugely supportive.

I am a bit of a people pleaser and I really don't do well when people don't like me, it makes me feel so nervous on the school run. But I cannot control what he is saying, and I cannot control who will be influenced by him.

I just hope she doesn't manage to pollute any of the friends I like! But if that happens I guess they weren't my friends anyway. I'm quite an anxious person and my mind is definitely jumping to worst case scenario!

She's actually completely ignoring me now, which I suppose is a good thing.

I have spoken with a local domestic abuse charity, and have been recording everything. I am not gossiping at school about it at all and being very careful who I speak to! I'm surprised he's gone this low to be honest, but the advice he's getting is only hurting him in the long run. Yes they can think I'm the devil and a bitch, but a judge is only interested in the children and he's missing that right now with these women in his ear!

Remember @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo he might also be making up half of what he says, to get inside your head.

Not always. I left my ex of over 20 years (bored) with no one else involved. It happens.

On the bright side @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo - You're having a proper clear out of useless nobs from your Christmas card list.

Annoying dramatic MIL - GONE
Gossipy school run mums - BYE
Exs horrible mate - SEE YA
Chaotic egotistical ex - OFF YOU POP.

When the dust has settled in a couple of years, You're going to look at your calm, settled life and be so much happier; and all this stress will be nothing but a bad memory. Meanwhile, they will still be awful but they'll be doing it elsewhere.