In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

I really don’t understand his game. Initially I assumed he’d asked to split in the heat of the moment, then didn’t know how to get out of it and was just hoping to cling on and slowly creep back to normality. However it’s gone on for too long for that. However he really doesn’t seem to be making any attempt to move things along and seems quite content cohabiting with you which is weird.

Its right to document it, but are you telling him in a way that provides evidence?

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo Agree, now it's time to take those records and consult with a solicitor. Good luck, hope it moves quickly for you.

He really feels entitled to your childcare and domestic labour doesn't he @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo
Not surprising, but worthy of note.

He was still a (dismissive) twat in mediation just less blatantly than behind closed doors.

If he did somehow convince a family court to give him 50/50, it would fall apart fast.

Please keep pushing back on jumping in to help when he is on his days with DC.

I agree with the posters that are urging you to evidence it via texts. Otherwise it is just a written account of your perspective rather than digital evidence to show he is not doing what he said he would.

Yes thank for this advice, it's all on text, I always follow up his ridiculous comments on text to 'confirm what's happening'.

Part of my job is auditing so I'm pretty good at documenting things for use later.

Thank you, honestly I can't believe he didn't even try and cover up how much of a prick he is, in front of the mediator, but he didn't even try!

The word is entitled, he feels like I should just keep up with all of his childcare needs and receive no maintenance for it, because why I wouldn't I agree to that?

This advice is absurd. No matter what is going on you don't need to be playing games to get him to leave. Get legal advice ASAP if you haven't already

I'm guessing that mediators and those involved in family court decision making are very familiar with his type of behaviour.
Even if he did try to make it less obvious, he would probably "tell on himself".

He will eventually have no choice but to realise that in choosing to separate, he is NOT entitled to endless support from you (childcare or anything else).

I don't know how you keep your patience with him or the time it takes for official changes to be made.

Honestly I know doing this is easier said than done, especially with children involved, but I would be very tempted to rent myself something temporary and then force him in to the 50/50 split and not pick up the slack. He wouldn't last 5 minutes.

Agree - and how helpful he is showing how unreasonable he is.

I think the fact that he stuck to the same behaviour in front of the mediator is really interesting actually. It shows he has absolutely zero insight into what’s reasonable and genuinely feels that even after you split you are obliged to run around after him and help.

Thus would suggest he’s not just being a dick to annoy you but he really does have that level of entitlement. He believes that’s right and fair. He gets to lead his Big Important Life and you constantly adjust your crummy, small life to accommodate him. Because that’s all you’re there to do.

Absolutely fucking wild.

Ultimately he’ll come unstuck though because when you’re in separate houses he can’t just piss off out at 5am. And if he tries to dump the kids on you on his days or fails to do the school run, you take him back to court - and they won’t be impressed.

I’m glad you’ve got an auditing background so your solicitor can rip him apart with the trail of texts that show he’s incapable of 50/50 and even worse, doesn’t understand what it means to care for the DC.

You just need to get through these next few months. You tried mediation. You e tried being reasonable. That reflects well on you. Now let your solicitor wreak hell. Bastard deserves it.

You need legal advice on who has the right to remain in the property until it's sold - because that would probably be the best thing. You can't afford to buy him out and you can't continue living together in this situation - so you need to find out your rights. If not from a solicitor - via Shelter

You also need to find out your rights to child maintenance. Just because he's saying he won't pay it doesn't mean he can dodge the responsibility

And if you can afford to rent somewhere else in the meantime if he won't go then you maybe need to do that. You need to separate properly and then get advice on who is going to live there long term or whether the house needs to go on the market

I’m actually pleased (but not surprised) that the prick continues to behave in this entitled manner even in front of a mediator.

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo you do realise now that you can’t have anymore mediation? It will now have to go through solicitors/courts as you’ll need to know that he will make it as difficult as possible.

He won’t want to play fair. He wants everything his way to the detriment of your shared DC.

I would call WA and rights of women to get advice on this.

And keep a record of every.little.thing.

Next time you have to drive somewhere for a meeting, is it possible to stay in a hotel etc the night before? Or was it that it was your night the night before and he was taking over in the morning.

As he didn’t put the effort in to alter his behaviour, to present well, in front of the mediator, it makes me wonder:

1. was the mediator a woman and STBexH is sexist,
2. the mediator’s opinion is not sufficient to be worthy of his respect, in his opinion,
3. is he completely blinded to the real world by his overpowering sense of entitlement?

Tbh I would ditch mediation as it’s not going to change him. He’s only interested in what he thinks and thinks everyone else should work around him.

Go to the solicitor tell him what you want and go to court for it.

Sorry I haven't been back to update we've been away on holiday, first one on my own which was quite hard, but lovely to be away from him.

No further forwards in sorting anything out, which is so very frustrating.

I am still expected to pay equally to all our bills, despite the fact he's currently earning 3 times as much. He didn't contribute a penny to a holiday we just went on that was booked before he broke up with me, that I didn't want my kids to miss out, so now I'm struggling!

I am just going to put 1/3 of what I normally would into the joint account next month, I need to stop making living here a nice experience for him, as he is doing for me. Proportionally that's right and fair as well.

50/50 from him still isn't materialising, he keeps saying work are going to change his working days, but they haven't... he keeps insisting they will, so for now I'm picking up all childcare for him when he can't do it.

on the days I have the kids he is REFUSING to leave the house, the mediator suggested it, but he flat out refused. I'm trying to get out when I can which is helping a bit.

Solicitor did mention kick starting the C100 as that would start the court process, which would be something at least. She did also say I should contact the domestic abuse charity that the Gp suggested, as even though the court probably wouldn't kick him out, it just helps my case.

........on the days I have the kids he is REFUSING to leave the house, the mediator suggested it, but he flat out refused. I'm trying to get out when I can which is helping a bit

God, he's a piece of work.

Mediation with these types is never successful.

I'm sorry you're in financial shit because of the holiday. What a bastard not paying anything towards it, for the children.

Unbelievable.

I would be putting in less than a third of what you normally do. He earns three times what you do. You are in hardship because of his demands that you pay equally to the bills. The answer to that is no. He's been getting a very easy ride on the bill front because he earns so much and you still need to pay half

If you’re having to cover his 50/50 childcare then you should definitely
pay less !

You only have 25% of household income. Subtract some more to charge him for childcare.

If both the GP and solicitor suggest contacting a domestic abuse charity, they're probably right, no? Give it a go - nothing to lose.

Thanks- he's got everything the way he wants it, so I don't think the current situation bothers him at all. He sees the kids whenever he is not at work, and I'm still default childcare. He CANNOT see that me and the kids wanting to have some kind of routine is reasonable. No one knows if they're coming or going with the current set up, I hate it.

His March working schedule is once again all over the place, I've ended up taking every single weekend, as he's at work. April will be even worse.

The solicitor has recommended I just start the court process with a C100, child matters form, to start to force his hand, as the divorce will be finalised in July and at this rate nothing will be sorted. She did say, if anything this shows you're serious and he has to come the table with SOMETHING that isn't 'you need to completely fit around my random work, and be available all the time, with no financial compensation for that'.

I also want my solicitor to send him a later stating I WILL NOT be paying jointly into the joint account, as he earns more than me right now, and my pay is capped by being default childcare, AND that when we have the kids we're in the house, when we DON'T have the kids we both leave during those respective times.

God knows where I'll go but I need to get away from him, I will also call the domestic abuse line today to see if there's anything they can do.

Yes I will give them a call, I've had this advice so many times now, and it could really help.

Thanks for this, I'm glad to hear others agree, he could be on nearly £200k with his bonus. You'd think he's on £25k the way he talks about it.

He's keeping you poorer than you should be - pretty controlling behaviour. It would be more reasonable for you to contribute based on your earnings. So if he was earning much more than you a contribution proportionate to salary would be fair - not 50/50