In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

Thanks for this, I appreciate it! All the support on here has really helped me.

I have finally done it, I've sent the letter telling him the new structure, finally some structure! He's just found out so I've blocked him on everything. We do have a parenting app so we can still communicate over the kids.

I've told the school, they did say there's not always a lot they can do as he has Parental reasponsibility as well. I'm nervous he'll go and get the eldest from school, and unsure what to do then.

I spoke to the police this morning who said what I was doing was entirely reasonable, but to get to court ASAP. And to report anymore intimidating behaviour, they've been very supportive,

I just feel so nervous and like I'm in the wrong still! Like I should be letting him see them and he's allowed to dictate to me when I can see them, with no routine, as that's how it's been for so many years.

Everything else I can start to forgive, but damaging the kids I just don't understand. My therapist said 'he hates you more than he loves the kids' and that hit me like a ton of bricks.

Thanks for this, I need to hear this... my solicitor has now got aggressive and has told him from now on, we will be in a routine, and when he's having the kids... today is the first day he was meant to have them and isn't getting them.

I'm going to pick them up, so I expect him to turn very nasty, I'm very nervous.

What happens if we both turn up to school?

I dont think that its you he hates as a human being if that makes sense OP. Its not having full control that he hates so transfers that on to you. He would do tgat to anyone and everyone because thats what narcissist are like. The fact that hes prepared to harm his kids just to have control says it all.

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo presumably school is aware of the da and that you had to leave your home with the dc to escape him? Can you advise the school of the solicitor’s letter and that you’ll be collecting the dc as it’s your time? You may have to get there early and wait in reception for the dc. If he turns up, try and remain calm as he hopefully won’t kick off in front of everyone. If he does - call police.

Well done OP, standing up to him is the first step, you now need to hold your nerve! Make sure you have some support around you for the hard days and hopefully court will come round soon.

Good luck. I hope he doesn’t try anything.

How do you know he isnt getting them? Has he communicated this via the parenting app?

If so then yes collect them, if hes verbally said it, I would have waited out but been on hand to collect when school calls.

He is aware most parenting apps can be downloaded to use in court??

I hope you're okay OP.

Do you mean today is the first day he wanted to have them on his mad, random schedule, but your solicitor has said no?

Had I read this up earlier I would have suggested you collect early to prevent any risk of meeting him at the gate. Was he there?

It's so wrong that you're having to go through this unnecessary anxiety just to make life better for your kids.

Is he supposed to have them tomorrow? Do you think he will show?

Sending support 💐

My thoughts are with you, OP.

I just feel so nervous and like I'm in the wrong still! Like I should be letting him see them and he's allowed to dictate to me when I can see them, with no routine, as that's how it's been for so many years.

Completely get this. And it’s not just about the kids but about everything he dictated. With regards to the kids it’s about what is in their best interests not his. I have a note attached to my fridge that says “a narcissist is going to tantrum no matter what you do. So you might as well start making choices and decisions that work for you, and let them tantrum”. It’s a hard mindset to switch to when you are used to being nice and trying to please them all time. I still find myself worrying about what there reaction is going to be for everything but I hope in time it will get easier.

So yes, yesterday was his day on the mad chaotic schedule, imposed entirely by him.Yesterday was the first day I stood up to him and said no, and went and collected them early. I need to do the same again today, as his day isn't until tomorrow.

He then rang my eldest scaring him, asking him if he was 'safe', and then my ex MIL was ringing my eldest saying Dad was looking forward to having you...

My eldest then ended up really upset.

Finding this very hard, I want to over explain and feel bad doing this, but I can't continue with him getting every single hour of childcare his way, it wasn't working!

That's so very true, I'll get talked about and chastised for even trying to do the right thing, and indeed have been! So may as well do what's right for the kids. Excellent point.

It's so hard when they target the kids for manipulation like this. I think it's ok to explain that they need and deserve to know what the routine is, and the routine has to work for everyone all the time -so it's not ok for dad to change the days every time.

How old is your eldest? When mine was little and her dad pulled his heartbreak nonsense, I was just quite breezy, oh yes, but you'll see him soon, and we're going to do this/that. I also told her explicitly that she didn't have to ring/facetime me, because she never wanted to (she told me it made her miss me) and yet her dad insisted on it. I said I missed her too, but I did things I couldn't do with her, like go to the gym, so she didn't need to worry about me. As she got older, I did tacitly support her when she was too busy ( didn't want) to chat on the phone when he rang and when she was little and he rang I chose if we answered or not.

Your eldest needs to know it's not ok for adults to behave like this. You don't have to spell it out but support him in his own choices, decisions, conclusions about why granny and dad would do and say these things.

Massive support. They are such arses.

The Ex mother in law is massively overstepping. Is there anyway that when your son is with you that you can block her number. She has no right to contact your son directly without checking with you first.

You need to have a frank conversation with these children and age appropriately explain that their dad is upset and struggling to manage his emotions and he might act a bit strange and say some odd things for the next little while and not to worry. There’s so much emphasis on keeping a neutral stance and not bad mouthing the other parent etc they end up A. Confused and B. Believing the loudest voice. I ended up losing my youngest to him as he convinced her all sorts of shite was true about me like I cheated and left him etc (I left because of his abuse of us all) I got her back a year later in a right state. I should have been more proactive in helping them see his behaviour for what it was

Hold firm, it’ll get worse before it gets better but these animals need to see you being strong. You’re doing amazing