In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

Why aren’t you making a court application?!

Court application for full custody for you, 1 weekend a month for him. As he has no schedule, you can push for that. Make sure you save all the evidence of his work schedule so he can't lie to the court about it.

I’m just looking at the c100 now, annoyed it’s come to this! Nervous what a judge will say as well, what if they side with him?

He does have them 40-50% but it’s all over the place and each month it looks very different, so kids don’t know if they’re coming and he uses his mum a lot.

I am following this thread, not much to add but solidarity. I am glad you took the step of moving out, well done.

It is completely unreasonable to have the kids randomly transported between households I would hope that you get 100% custody and that you can let him see or have them some weekends when he is available and if he is not available he misses out. Otherwise how are you supposed to work, or how can the kids have any kind of stability?

It won't be about siding with either him, or you. They will decide what is in the kid's best interest, which won't be the disruption and inconsistency they have now. And it's why you need to take this route. He is not going to act in their interest, because his whole raisin d'etre with this is fucking with you. You are still dancing to his tune, and while it's understandable how you got here, it's frustrating to read. You need someone to arbitrate in the best interest of the kids alone. Get the C100 done ASAP.

just wondering as I can’t see from updates, is the divorce sorted as 6 months on from start of thread?

I needed this to be fair, C100 is currently being filled in...

Divorce is being held up, as we haven't agreed on finances yet. I applied for the divorce in December.

THIS!!! He just can't see it at all, driving me mad! He'll tell me tonight what the plan is for end of June, and begging of July, and he just expect me to accept it. I try and push back and he says no... I think I need to call the police again.

Oh and also, get a different lawyer. You can't take this one with you into a divorce with this man. He is going to be nasty, and you need someone to fight your corner. The advise, the letter writing, it all seems terribly passive. They should have been advising you to go to court about childcare. You need to be on the front foot, with someone tenacious. Maybe you chose this person subconsciously because you want to be conciliatry and non aggressive. But that isn't going to work. You need to find solicitor who'll knee your husband in the balls.

Agree.
Go back to the police and change your legal representation to a rottweiler.

Softly softly doesn't work with abusive men.

You need to tell him that if he changes it then it doesn't work for you. Put the phone down on him and send him a message telling him he is being unreasonable as he doesn't get to dictate the childrens lives. if thats the way he wants it then he needs to go to court to get them. From there on in withold the children.

If he turns up somewhere to get the children and he shouldn't be there call the police and report him.

You really need to get tough with him and stop letting him walk all over you. You also need a new solicitor as the one you have is awful.

He sent his July plan, I've got no full weekends this time, having all of them in June! It's all over the place and loads of grandparent help.

Went to the house today to collect some belongings. He was there, blocked my entry, I had to remind me I was legally entitled to get into my own house, he followed me around stopping me taking my own things, shouting at me, and told me my brother wasn't allowed near the property. All in front of our children. It was awful.

As I was leaving he pressured me to agree to the July child care plan on the spot, in front of my children, I said I needed to speak to my solicitor first and he got aggressive about it.

The worst part, when we got in the car my youngest asked me "why can't you and daddy be friends?" and started nervous tic-ing. I'm devastated.

I've emailed my solicitor urgently and I'm calling the domestic abuse charity today.

For July, do I just need to say 'you're having them every Wednesday and every other weekend and if you disagree speak to my solicitor?'

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo yes! He can’t dictate this crazy schedule where no one knows what’s happening, it’s not in the best interest of the children. You need to get this sorted through the courts asap but in the meantime get your solicitor to send a letter stating that he can have the children every other weekend and one evening a week. If he does not pick them up or can’t due to work, that’s his problem, it does not mean you then have to hand them over when ever he decides he’s available. The children need to be told this is the plan, as do the school and the grandparents. Then stick to it. He’s walking all over you right now, no judge would agree to what he’s doing, it’s insane.

You also need to change your solicitor. Ask WA for recommendations.

i would also contact 101 and tell them about what happened. If you need to collect anymore of your belongings, then you need to have assistance. Wether that be via the police/relatives.

l agree this contact arrangement is insane. You have to go to court. He’ll try to railroad into what ever is in his best interests….not the best interests of your DC.

Thank you, I've got an emergency app with my solicitor tomorrow. I logged it with 101, I've got an ongoing case.

I've also completed the C100, court here we come...

I haven't read it all but my opinion: This man wants the house. ie he wants all that asset. He doesn't want the kids, he is using them and your attachment to them to beat you up emotionally.

My ex husband was like this (we did not have kids). He wanted the house and not me, so he made life difficult to get me to eventually leave. He thought that by me leaving the house I was seen as abandoning it plus he got to go and wail to my relatives about how upset he was that I had left him. In reality he had emotionally left me and the marriage some time before. He just wanted to wrangle the house from me.

That is the impression I get from your husband. He 'wants the kids' only in such a way as to upset them and you. If he really wanted the kids he'd make all necessary adjustments to provide them with a stable routine.
He's got you out of the house and now he doesn't want you going back, even to get your stuff. He thinks he's won by you moving out and now he's getting aggro when you go back.

That sounds absolutely awful, i'm very sorry to hear he treated you like that. It's actually made me cry a little because of the way its affected you and especially your little boy - i can understand why you feel devastated.. Kids don't need to see or hear that kind of behaviour.

Report him to the police for his abuse when you were there, don't let him off with it. IF you go back get someone to go with you - ideally the police because of the abuse. Can you video your visits so you have evidence of him abusing you? something like a body worn video camera? you get button hole cameras and pen cameras which aren't so obvious - not that i think he would care about them.

I'm glad to hear you have the C100 form in now, hopefully things will progress in the right direction. Your solicitor needs to be all over this given the abuse that's involved.

I would just tell him that every weekend doesn't work for you and no it will not happen. Get your solicitor to write to him telling him that. I would be tempted to tell him not to speak to you from now on - txt only from now on or contact via solicitor.

Thanks so much for your advice, and indeed to all the amazing support on this thread! I was so upset when we were in the car and I was having to explain we are friends, Dad was just feeling grumpy... then dc started nervous tic-ing a problem since the divorce. 😞

I reported it with the police yesterday, they've not been in touch yet. I spoke to my solicitor this morning and we'e sending a letter that says from now on it's every Wednesday and every other weekend, starting from next week.

C100 process has been started... we should be in court in 5-8 weeks apparently.

Good for you Op, he's never going to be reasonable and put the DC first. Once you've got a court order you can plan your own life instead of running around after him

I'm glad you are taking steps to deal with the abuse and you've got the form filled out and submitted.

I can imagine how upset you were and your son was. Poor wee lad.

Yep he is never going to be reasonable. Not about the children and not about anything much else I suspect.

I think that you have to come to the realisation that you will have to go to court over everything with this man. He is and will not play fair!

Just remember, he tried to actively stop you from entering your own home. Followed you around which is aggressive and dictates when you will have the DC so it fits his needs.

I think you need a far more aggressive solicitor. He will not entertain letters, he will only listen to a court order.

i hope that you have called WA.